Fadedwords

A year ago today I made a decision…

It was a decision that, at the time, tore out my heart.

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same…”

At the time I couldn’t imagine actually doing what I knew I had to; ending a painful time in my life meant saying things that would likely cut all ties with a person that I cared a great, great deal about. After seven months of allowing myself to feel worse than I ever had before, I decided that I really needed to stop.

So I did.

It wasn’t an overnight thing. I felt awful for the way things had gone, for the things I said… for hurting someone that I had loved so deeply, and despite everything still cared for. I missed the friendship we had shared. But I knew, in my head and in my heart, that I had taken the first step forward. The first of many steps. So I just kept going.

It’s been a year since that awful first step. There have been hundreds of steps in between. Some have been easy, but most have been hard. I will always wish that friendship could have been salvaged… and I will likely always miss having that person as a part of my life. I will forever regret how things happened a year ago, but not that they happened. This past year has brought me to this place I am today. I am working as a school counselor, something I’ve wanted since my first year of college. I will be bringing home my dream dog in 3 weeks, something I’ve wanted since I was 10 years old. And because of what happened a year ago… I met and fell in love with Jake.

I can look back on last October… and all of last summer and spring, and while I’m sometimes saddened by what happened, how it happened, and what was lost? Mainly I’m thankful. I found where I’m supposed to be because of it. All that confusion and pain? It led me to my future. I’m happier now than I ever have been, and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. Not even what I wanted so desperately last year.

“Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same…”

Because of last year I realized how strong I was, I learned what I wanted and didn’t want from a relationship, and also got to a place where I refused to take anything less than what I wanted… and absolutely deserved. And now I have it.

Thank you.

“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good…”

Yesterday I baked oreo cake. Thought I’d include the recipe for it and the frosting I use.

Cake:

I prefer Devil’s Food chocolate cake mix. Betty Crockers. Prepare that cake according to box directions. I can do a cake from scratch, but it’s tedious. Betty Crocker has already perfected it, so why mess with it?

While the cake is cooking, make the frosting:

• 1/2 cup of shortening or butter. I used a mixture of both this time… added butter to taste.
• 16 oz. confectioners sugar
• 3 tablespoons of milk
• 2 teaspoons of vanilla

Blend ingreedients. Add the sugar slowly and beat on medium speed after each addition. I recommend tasting after each addition as well. After it’s set just how you want it, crush up some oreo cookies…. about a dozen. Mix the crushed pieces into the frosting with a spoon. Then, spread on to a COOL cake. I recommend cooling the cake about an hour or so before even trying to spread this frosting. With the cookie pieces in the frosting, it’s kind of tricky anyway… so a cool cake helps things go more quickly. You could leave the cookie pieces out and just crumble them on top, but it really doesn’t turn out the same.

I actually doubled the recipe this time, which you might want to do for oreo cake. Although, I did NOT use 32 oz. of confectioners sugar. The frosting just didn’t need that much. Of course, if you like your frosting sicky sweet, by all means add all 32 ounces. If you like a thinner frosting, add more milk. If you like a thicker frosting add more sugar. It all depends on taste.

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• I went and paid for the propane for my heat yesterday. It cost $596.
• Something I was really, really hoping (and quite frankly, needed) for is not going to happen.
• It’s raining. That’s the only thing that makes much sense right now.

I guess the easiest thing to do is get right to it:

I still do not have heat.

My landlord had called someone to come fix it. He gave the guy the wrong phone number for me. Luckily he came by the house yesterdy afternoon as Courtney and I were leaving for the Homecoming Game. He looked at my tank and said, “You need a regulator cable, which the gas company will provide.” He told me to call the company whose phone number was on the tank. I did.? They said they “didn’t know when they could get someone out,” but that I should come by and pay for the gas in the tank and then they’d send someone to hook it up. So I stayed at Courtney’s again last night.

I checked on Wisdom last night and this morning. He seems ok… albeit a little ticked off that he’s been left alone for three nights. Hopefully they’ll get to the house tomorrow to hook up the heat. The temperature is going back up starting tonight though; it’ll be in the 50s so he’ll definitely be ok.

My frustration level has reached its peak with this situation. My landlord has absolutely no idea what is going on at the house.

In other news? There could be some big things coming. I can’t get into them now, but hopefully after tomorrow I’ll have something very interesting to say.

So last week I had begun the process of having my heating tank filled up. This was based upon my landlord telling me it was likely empty and needed fuel oil to make the heater heat the house. So I went to the oil company and went through their credit check and got prepared to dish out the extremely exorbatent price it would cost to have my tank fixed. They called Friday to say I was approved and asked when I’d like a delivery. I called Monday (yesterday) and said it’d be great if they could do it that day because it was supposed to get down to the mid-30’s at night.

I got a call back about an hour later saying they’d gone to the house, but one tank was on its side in the back yard (which I knew) and the other was a propane tank and they didn’t service propane… and in any case it wasn’t hooked up. So I called my landlord and asked him if he’d please go take a look at it.

He left me a message at about 3:30 saying that he went out, my tank was 80% full, and it just needed to be hooked up. He said he’d try to get someone out to the house at a time when I could be there.

Needless to say, I stayed at Courtney’s house last night. It was a fun night; we commiserated about our job woes (which are too many to get into at this juncture). It was nice to have a warm and cozy place to sleep.

I went by the house this morning to check on the cat and brush my teeth (as I had forgotten my toothbrush the night before!) and there was air blowing through the heating vents. The house temperature was 50 degrees, which it wouldn’t have been had there been no heat coming through the vents. I turned up the heat to about 65 before I left the house and I’ll see when I get home what happens. I’m also going to call my landlord again to see if he called anyone to come hook it up last night or not… it doesn’t make sense that it would’ve kicked on and blown all by itself if he hadn’t hooked it up. It was too cold outside to be 50 degrees inside. So we’ll see.