Fadedwords

Those of you who have known me for the last three years, and even some of you who’ve been around a great deal shorter time, know that I had to have a complete thyroidectomy in December 2005.  I had already begun to gain a little weight prior to the surgery, and afterward it was if a switch had been flipped.  No matter what I did, I kept gaining.  There was a time that I was on the tredmill for 8+ miles a day, eating less than 1200 calories a day, and participating in very strenuous riding training 2 times a week… and I continued to gain weight.  When I asked my doctor, I was told that I “must be eating too much.”

When I moved to North Carolina, I found a wonderful doctor who told me that not only wasn’t I eating too much, I was probably eating too little.  On top of that, my thyroid hormone levels were incredibly off.  She said the combination had caused me to be unable to lose weight.  She said that it would be a problem I would have for the rest of my life, even with the supplemental medication I was taking to replace the thyroid function.  She said that losing the weight I gained post surgery would be difficult, and that I would likely not see results quickly.

I’ve decided that’s bullshit.

There was a time that I was a size 12.  For someone who is nearly 6 feet tall, that’s ridiculous.  I dated a man that made it pretty clear that he wouldn’t accept any fat whatsoever, so I kept myself thin.  It wasn’t difficult for quite awhile, and looking back I wonder if I wasn’t hyperthyroidic.  I’ll never know.  What I do know, is that at the time I was really proud of myself and thought I looked totally fantastic.  Looking back I realize that I looked anorecti and I never want to be that thin again.

It’s nice to be in a place where I recognize what healthy weight loss will mean for me.  I don’t have unrealistic goals.  In fact, my only goal is to be healthy.  I would like to get back down to a size 14… but if that isn’t where my body wants to be and I can still be healthy I’m OK with that.   I want to feel positive about my body and my level of health.  I think I can achieve that and not be too skinny, and also not feel the way I do now.

Today I mentioned to Jake that I was thinking of joining Weight Watchers when I go home this summer.  My mother has been a member for a long time, and has lost ridiculous amounts of weight.  To say I’m proud of her would be an understatement; she looks fantastic.  I know she’ll probably say something about how she’s gained some back, and to that I say… ptttht :-p.  You’re beautiful and you look amazing.  I say.  Jake said that he’d thought of joining over the summer too, and we talked about how we both wanted to feel healthy and positive about how we looked.  I told him that I was just sick of feeling bad about myself all the time… which I do.  I feel like a failure, because I’ve tried so much that hasn’t worked.  I’ve given up and I’ve tried again.  He said, “That’s the only thing I care about… that you feel bad about yourself.  You have nothing to feel badly about.”

I’m a lucky woman.  I know a lot of girls who starve themselves because their boyfriend would accept nothing but tiny and “perfect” women.  I know because I dated one.  I am thankful beyond words that I have found a man that loves me no matter what, and just wants me to be happy and healthy.

I called my Mom after this conversation and asked her if I could go to Weight Watchers with her while I’m home.  She immediately said how glad she was, and how I didn’t even need to ask.  I think starting out it will help to be with her, someone I’ve seen firsthand have so much success.  I’ll have her support, and hopefully I’ll see results in those first weeks.  Results will keep me working hard.

We’ll see what happens.  I’m looking forward to going home.