Fadedwords

I am in an incredibly rough position financially. Like… incredibly rough. After car payment and cell phone bill, I will have $63 in my checking account that is supposed to last me until the end of the month. That doesn’t include groceries that need to be purchased to get me through, or Weight Watchers cost. It doesn’t include the fact that my car is nearly on empty and I have to put gas in it. It also doesn’t include the fact that my student loans are due on the 27th, and I don’t get paid until the 28th… and that’s another $163 that I don’t have.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I have a very small amount of money in my savings account that is not spoken for. If I take it out to get through this month, that means I have to start over trying to save. There is more money in that account, but it is money I have been putting aside for horseback riding. If I spend that, I will have to cancel riding.

Jake owes me money for groceries, and I feel bad even thinking about it because I know that I have left him hanging on bills in the past. But I know that that $100 would help substantially. I should be geting a mileage reimbursement check next Wednesday for about $102, and I should also be getting a check for providing homebound service… but I don’t know how much that will be for. Those things will help a great deal. But they don’t help me right now.

I am so sick of living like this. I am always struggling, always unable to do anything fun for myself… always worrying. And I don’t know how to fix it. I could cut out Weight Watchers… but damnit it is the only thing that works. Then there’s riding… and I guess that’s what I should not do. But then I think about how much I love that and how it’s the only God damn thing that I love doing. And I think I need to be doing it for my own mental health. But I can’t keep living this way either. All I do is worry about money. I never have any, and if there was an emergency I would be absolutely screwed.

I don’t have time for a second job. I don’t have anything else that I can cut out of my budget. Everything else is a mandatory bill. Mortgage. Cable. Electric. Student Loans. Credit cards. Insurance. Medicine. Groceries. Dog Food. Gas. Cell phone. Car payment. And I refuse to shirk my financial responsibilities in this house anymore; I have been an unreliable mate financially, and it’s not fair to Jake.

And I’m sick of being the kid that turns to her parents or aunt every single time money isn’t working out… which is incredibly often. And if I asked for help I couldn’t even lie and say, “I’ll pay you back” because I couldn’t afford to pay them back. And I don’t want to mooch off of my family; they have their own lives to support. If I’m not worrying about money, I’m feeling guilty and irresponsible because I seem completely unable to manage it effectively. I don’t feel like an adult 90% of the time, because I have this weighing on me all the damn time.

I know that everybody is struggling right now, and that there’s no way to fix this. I’m just incredibly overwhelmed and I don’t know what the hell to do.