Fadedwords

Clearly I haven’t been writing all that often here.  I think I mentioned before that I wasn’t feeling in the mood.  If not, there you have it: I haven’t been in the mood to write.

There aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done.  I get up at 6am, go to work, then do homebound service, get home at 6 or 6:30 or 7.  Then it’s time to do 99 things around the house to try to keep it looking like human beings live there.  Then I cook and try to get some dishes done.  By the time I’m done eating it’s 7:30 or 8 o’clock, and I’m so exhausted that I crawl into bed and pass out. 

Or I lay awake thinking about all the things that need to get done, all the bills I have to pay that I don’t have money for, or 100 other things that are weighing no my mind.  Then the alarm rings at 6am again whether I’ve had 9 hours of sleep or 2.  Lately it’s been more like 2.

I’ve had a bad WW week, and I’m 99% certain that I’ll have gained.  That’ll upset me because I was only .2 pounds away from my 10% goal last week.  Then I came into this week, and for various reasons just said, “I don’t give a f*ck” and made several bad choices.  I don’t see any real difference in how I look, and that’s frustrating.  I’ve lost nearly 25 pounds, and I see absolutely no difference in my body.  I’m still fat.  I’m still gross.  I hate it.  I hate that it’s going to take losing 50 pounds to really see any change.  And so I just decided not to care this week.  I know I’ll be kicking myself for that tomorrow.

Horseback riding sucked the big one last night.  I’m in the lowest group, and I was still the worst rider.  I had a horse that I had to kill myself just to get to move.  My instructor didn’t want me doing the same stuff as everyone else, and after the lesson was over she said, “I know a lot of that was beyond you.” Fantastic.  Thanks for that boost of confidence.  And I know it’ll come back, but right now it’s not back.  Knowing that I’ll be back to competent in 2 months does not eliminate the fact that it sucks to be the worst rider in a group of beginners, especially after you’ve been riding since you were 11 years old.

I am frustrated with so many things.  I’m frustrated with never having any time to just breathe.  I work.  I clean.  I cook.  I sleep.  And then I do the same things again the next day.  Over and over and over again.  Even the weekends are more of the same.  I get up, I clean and do laundry and grocery shop and then I go to sleep.  Then I start over the next day.  There is never a break.  I’m frustrated with the fact that I see no change in myself after all this hard work.  I’m frustrated that riding sucked last night.  I’m frustrated. 

I need a vacation from my life.