I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings. Don’t worry, the irony of that isn’t lost on me; I’m a counselor that struggles to express herself. There are lots of reasons I suppose, none of them worth delving into here. Suffice to say that I have ample reasoning in my mind about why, and so I just don’t.
I don’t like to upset anyone. I don’t like people to be angry with me. I don’t like it when there’s a chance that someone could, potentially, throw up their hands and say ‘You’re not worth the trouble.’ This is what I equate allowing myself to showing I’m angry with. If I am outwardly angry or upset or anything like that, I will alienate everyone. Irrational? Yes. What my brain thinks? Yup.
So rather than admitting, openly, that someone has ticked me off or hurt me, I suck it up and quietly choke on it. It’s much better, in my mind, to let it eat at me than to hurt someone I care about. So I let it gnaw at me. I cry in private. I am angry inwardly. I do this even when I have every right to be furious or deeply saddened or incredibly disappointed. I shove it down and deal with it silently, saying that I’m “fine” or “everything is fine”… because I want it to be. I want to never inconvenience anyone with my emotions, because I don’t want to cause anyone else an ounce of discomfort. I’ve become a master of “fine”… I am the queen of fine.
It’s not like I’m fooling anyone. The people in my life who know me, the ones closest to me? They know darn well that I am not fine. They also have learned that it’s better to just let me stew, because I’m not going to admit otherwise.
The past few days have not been good. They’ve been pretty crappy actually. After reading the above I hope you’ll realize it takes quite a bit for me to admit even that very general description of the last few days. And I’ll get over them… I’ll go back to being ok and fine and all of those other pleasant things that people expect me to be. Right now though, I’m feeling pretty rotten and struggling to look forward and remind myself that things will get better because they always do.