Fadedwords

Something that I had really, really been hoping for did not work out.

At this point, I more than wanted it to work out.  I needed it to work out.

When you have nothing to look forward to, what do you do then?

I went over to S and D’s house last night to bring L her birthday gift.  While there we talked about the house and moving in.  They will have the keys for me tonight, and I will fill out all the paperwork and give them rent and deposit.  I can start moving in on Thursday.  I will likely do a quick trip to get some boxes on Thursday after school, and then be done with it until Saturday.  Not sure how many helpers I will have, because several people are going out of town, and some have to work… but I know that the people who do come will be appreciated more than I’ll ever be able to tell them.

On one hand all I can think is how good it will be to get in to my own space.  I’ve appreciated my friends so much for opening their homes to me… but I’m ready to be in my own bed again.  I’m ready to be with my own things.

On the other hand, when I think about loading up cars with my things and leaving my home… I am absolutely devastated all over again.  I hate this situation.  I hate that I have to talk about it in certainties and black and white.  I hate that I have to be all business about it.  I hate that it always seems to come out as if this is something I want to happen.

Because it’s not.

People keep telling me how well I’m doing and how proud of me they are.  And I guess on some levels they’re right.  On the surface I’m doing great.  It’s my brain that’s the problem.  I know I just need to give it time.  I know that it will get easier… or so everyone says.  I’m overwhelmed and I’m depressed… and I want this to not be happening.  I would give anything for this not to be happening.

I’ve applied for several part time jobs and received no response yet.  I’m pretty stressed about that.  I need to find something that’ll help me bring in $150-200 extra a month.  I’ve given up on horseback riding, at least for the next year.  I’m devastated at losing that, but there’s no way to make it work.

In any case, I hope to have some pictures up of the house tomorrow.  I’m trying to remain positive, to think of the fact that I’ll have all the space and time to decorate and do what I want.  I’m just having a really hard time being positive.  I didn’t want a new life or a new house.  I don’t want any of this.  But I’m getting it all anyway.

A list of things that I’ll need to buy for the new house… simply because I don’t have any of them that are “mine.”

-Kitchen garbage can
-Can opener
-silverware  (Bre might have some)
-glasses  (Dana might have some for me)
-Cutting board (2)
-crock pot
-dish drainer
-strainer
-shower liner (2)
-Shower curtain (spare bathroom)

I’ve added some of this to my Amazon wishlist, but I want to have it in several places just so I can keep it all straight in my head.

I had a panic attack at 4 o’clock this morning.

I had a dream, and when I woke up I started thinking about everything… how I’m going to afford to live, how I’m going to live in a house by myself, how I’m going to deal with the very real possibility that this isn’t all going to work out… and I sat there in the dark and had a panic attack.

Happy Monday, right?

I just have to keep believing that this is going to get better or easier.  It’s only been a week and a half.  It can’t always hurt so much or suck so much.  It can’t.  Right?

This has been exactly the weekend I needed.  Granted, it’s been incredibly strange and slightly ridiculous, but it was just what I needed.  I’ve seen friends that I missed more than I can say, laughed more than I thought possible, and shaken my head at the sheer ridiculousness going on around me.

I had a really nice conversation with a friend on Friday before I left for work.  Unexpected, but really nice.  I sent an email prior to the weekend that I meant with every fiber of my being, and hope that it helped somehow.  I left JoCo feeling as positive as I have in a very long time.

I can always count on a trip to Plymouth to bring a smile to my face, and it’s because my friends here are just as wonderful as my friends in JoCo.  Granted, this is a different scene entirely, but that makes it no less awesome.

Friday I saw my friends Jay and Cliff.  I’ve missed both of them very much, and I’m glad they were both able to find time out to see me.  It wouldn’t be a trip here if I didn’t get to see them.  My conversations with both of them were incredibly interesting, and left me shaking my head and smiling.  Jay told me a lot of things that I really needed to hear, and Cliff told me some things that were interesting and… ridiculous.  After I saw them, I went to a game night at Kristen and Jeff’s house.  I’m always sad thinking about the fact that I didn’t really start to get to know Kristen or Jeff before I moved.  They’re super cool, and I wish I had known them before so we could’ve hung out more.

Yesterday was Courtney’s birthday party.  It was a costume party.  I went as a homeless guidance counselor!!  My costume was sweet.    The party was a lot of fun, with some drama thrown in for good measure (yay fighting drunk men).  I got to see more friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, including Preston, Nick, and Jim.  These are all friends that I didn’t really start getting to know until after I left P-Town, so they’re others that I wish I had known longer.  I spent most of the night sitting with Preston exchanging looks that said, “What the heck just happened?” We were the only remotely sober people after awhile.  One guy kept trying to get us to hook up (which we didn’t, in case anyone had the ridiculous notion that I’m down here getting my groove on… I laughed typing that).  It was just a ridiculous, ridiculous night.

I went to bed at 4:30am.  Don’t ask me why I woke up at 10:30… I couldn’t begin to tell you.  I have a lot to do today before I head back home.  There’s laundry to be done.  Then I need to call around and see which of my friends I’m staying with this week

There aren’t many pictures from the party.  I don’t like to have my camera out after people get to a certain point of intoxication.  But you can see what there are here.  I wish I’d had it out until Preston and Nick showed up; I have zero pics of them.  Perhaps next time!

As an aside: keep your fingers crossed that I will be able to move in to the house next weekend.  I set up the cable installation for October 7th, which is the earliest they can get someone in… and if I’m not in at that time I’ll be waiting until like the end of the month for installation.  I do not want to go a month without cable.