The past few months have been incredibly difficult for me on a personal level. Despite the fact that there have been some changes made that were good, especially where my physical health is concerned, other changes have left me feeling quite sad and quite alone.
Several months ago I ended my friendship with someone I’ve been friends with since I was in 7th grade. 24 years. I was friends with him longer than I have not been friends with him. There are many reasons I made the decision to do this, none that I want to really get into in depth. They were good reasons, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Knowing that he is no longer a simple phone call away is devastating to me. Knowing that I will never speak to him again makes me feel like there is a part of me missing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Song lyrics, but appropriate.
In July I said some things to someone who has been, perhaps, the most destructive person in my life for about 16 years. That likely sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s not. My relationship with this person is something I look at as a catalyst for many, many other negative things that happened. That relationship changed me, fundamentally, and not in a good way. The things I said were things that had needed to be said, probably 15 years ago. And every day since then. Saying them was hard. Dealing with the fact that saying them means that person is gone is not easy either. Again… right thing/hard thing. Accepting the fact that I miss someone who did nothing but hurt me leaves me feeling infuriated with my own dysfunction.
And now? Another friendship has ended, an important friendship. There are a lot of reasons, reasons that have been there for a long time. Reasons that I tried to communicate on several occasions, but nothing ever changed. I am not without fault. In fact, I probably bear the majority of the fault. I know that my choices, and my decision to cut ties have hurt someone I care deeply about. I also know that I have been hurt deeply, and I could not continue to do friendship like that. I go about my daily life, and I put on the face I have to put on… which likely makes me seem devoid of emotion or as if I don’t care or I’m not affected by this. It probably seems as if I’m not upset. I am though. I am deeply, deeply affected and more upset than I have words for.
I have to believe, in the long run, that these changes are for the best. That they will lead me to something good and right and that I will be happier in the bigger picture because of them. Right now it’s hard though. Really hard.
“Is there a reason why you’re gone, I didn’t mean to be so wrong
I tried so hard to be the best that I could be, but still it seems
I always end up alone
Is there something inside me that I don’t see
Is there something wrong here with the way I love…”