Fadedwords

Guilty (working title)

Jay Hamilton had done a good job of avoiding all unnecessary contact with other human beings since his release from prison almost a year and a half ago. He had only one person he called a friend, and everyone else he let fall by the wayside. His family had disowned him before he’d even been found guilty of statutory rape of a girl at a party his fraternity held his sophomore year of college. Jay figured it was just as well; he was guilty after all. He’d served almost four years in the state penitentiary, and had been drifting ever since trying to find a place he could live the quiet life he was craving. Jay Hamilton just wanted to find a place to disappear.

“I’ve got a line on a job for you Jay,” his parole officer, Ethan Waters, said one Thursday afternoon. It was their standing appointment, and Jay actually looked forward to it. It was the one time during the week that someone who knew about his past didn’t look at him as he may run out and do it again. The parole office was a dreary place, though. As Ethan rifled through papers Jay looked around at the gray of the cinderblock walls, staring at a poster he’d looked at nearly every week for the past year and a half. The corners were rolling downward, the edges yellowing, and the writing was so faded that it was illegible. The picture showed a man in stripes, hands wrapped around the bars. Jay often found himself wondering what on earth that poster could’ve said.

“What’s the job?” he asked, looking back at the stocky man behind the desk. Ethan held up a piece of paper, smiling broadly.

“Farm hand at a big place just outside of town. They give you a small apartment in exchange for your labor, as well as the paycheck. Pays twelve dollars an hour… but I think the manager would go for more given your resume before you got in trouble.” Jay glanced away again, trying not to think about any time before. He tried to never think about that time, because he knew that was as good as a dream he’d woken up from.

“I haven’t really been around horses in awhile… not sure I’d know the head from the ass anymore,” he replied. Ethan grinned at him and shook his head.

“C’mon Jay, you’ve done the grocery store thing since you got out. All of your supervisors have been impressed with your intelligence and work ethic. Give this a chance. It’s what you were aiming for when you were in school, isn’t it?” Jay gave a halfhearted shrug.

“I was nineteen the last time I was in college Ethan. That whole time is pretty much done and over with in my book.”

“Well I gave the manager a call and told him about you. He said he wouldn’t mind meeting you. Be there this Saturday at 1:30. His name is Michael Brewster.” Jay’s gaze flew from the dingy window to Ethan’s face.

“Did you say Michael Brewster?” he asked incredulously.

“Yeah, have you heard of him?”

“He’s one of the most successful trainers on the east coast. The horses in his breeding program are some of the most coveted animals in the industry… and his riders are simply brilliant. Getting a job training for him is nearly impossible.” Ethan nodded slowly.

“You’ve kept up to date on him then?” Jay shrugged again, trying to look indifferent.

“Not much else to do when you’re locked up,” he muttered.

“Well then you’ll be able to impress him with your depth of knowledge. Here are the directions and the job description. Go in there and put your best foot forward Jay, this is a good opportunity for you,” Ethan said, reaching across his cluttered desk to hand him the papers. Jay took them and gave a tight smile.

“Thanks man,” he said, standing and walking slowly from the room.

Jay sat in his small apartment that night, a box on the bed in front of him. He hadn’t taken it out since his release, knowing that the memories would be too painful. It never did any good to think about the life he’d screwed up. His conversation that afternoon with Ethan had made him think about all he’d left behind. Slowly he reached into the faded box and pulled out the first thing, a photo album. It was black, and his name was written on the front in small silver script. He flipped through several pages, stopping at a photo of him sitting astride his black and white paint gelding. They had just won the regional championship at his college, and they both looked proud of this accomplishment. It had been taken at the end of his freshman year. Jay tossed the album aside and pulled out the notebooks full of notes on business management, successful breeding programs, and training techniques meant to bring out the best in both horse and rider. There were framed photos in the box, and one gave him pause. It was a photograph of his fraternity, the day after he’d pledged. He looked at it for several moments, and even though he knew that it wasn’t the fraternity that had sent him to jail, he hurtled the picture across the room anyway. It hit the wall, and the glass exploded in a rain of shards.

Michael Brewster was taller than he looked on television. He came out of the management office in the main barn, and extended his hand to Jay.

“You must be Jay. Ethan faxed me your resume,” he said. Jay nodded, swallowing hard at the firmness in the older man’s grip.

“Yes sir. It’s a real pleasure to meet you. I really appreciate you giving me a chance to talk about the job with you.”

“You have quite a strong base of knowledge… I was kind of surprised when I read your information. Ethan and I are old friends… did he tell you?” Jay shook his head, silently cursing.

“No, he didn’t mention it.”

“I suppose he wouldn’t have wanted you to think I was doing him a favor. So you know, I’m not. I hire people based on their merit and their abilities… and based on your resume you’re a talented young man.”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve been in this kind of setting,” he murmured, looking around. The rich smell of leather and hay had hit him as soon as he’d walked in the door. Horses were still inside, as the weather was rainy and dark that day. He could hear them munching on their afternoon snack. The aisle of the stable was impeccably maintained, and he could see farm hands moving around cleaning stalls, filling water buckets, and keeping the floors swept.

“Ethan explained your recent history. He said that you’re one of the few parolees he’s had that actually is taking responsibility for what you’ve done.” Jay shrugged, raking his fingers through his thick black hair. He’d come to this interview almost immediately after his shower, so it was still wet.

“Well, I did what they said I did. No reason to try to say I didn’t or blame it on anyone else… tempting sometimes, but it’s a waste of time.” Michael nodded slowly.

“And if you mean that, it’s half the battle of getting back on track.” Jay opened his mouth to speak, but Michael held up his hand and asked, “Did you read the job description?”

“Yes sir. It seems pretty straightforward.”

“I would also like someone that can travel to shows and really take care of the animals while we’re there. We have one very skilled groom, but I’ve been looking for another.”

“I’d be able to do that… but I’d have to talk to Ethan depending on where the show was. I’m kinda’ limited on where I can go,” he muttered, hanging his head slightly. Michael nodded.

“Well we’ll see what we can do about it. If you want the job, it’s yours.” Jay couldn’t stop his jaw from dropping.

“Are you serious?” he demanded. Michael smiled, a slow smile that reached his eyes.

“You might not realize this Jay, but I remember you from… well from before. You rode against my son in a show; you must’ve both been in your first year of college. You beat him. I looked at my wife and I told her that you were someone to look out for somewhere down the line. I’m not usually wrong about these things.” They were silent for a moment. “In any case, let me show you where you’ll be staying. It’s not much, but it’s got air conditioning, heat, and a kitchen.” Jay nodded, but followed silently as Michael led him toward his new home.

Moving into his new place didn’t take long at all, as most of Jay’s belongings were still at his parents’ house. He assumed they were more likely at the local dump, considering his family’s feelings about him. He finished hanging up his clothes before walking back into the living room. This was the nicest place he’d had since his release from prison. There was a large living room with beige walls and tan carpets. The kitchen was right off the living room, with a row of cabinets above and below the counters. Beyond the living room was a short hallway that led to a fairly spacious bedroom. There was a queen sized bed there, and the room was open and airy. A large window dominated one wall and looked out over the rolling fields of the farm. He could see horses grazing in the green meadows. Jay took a deep breath and decided to go down to the barn to see if there was anything he could do to help out. He wasn’t due to start work until Monday morning, which was two days away. He couldn’t imagine what he’d do with all that free time. It was an overcast day, and he could see people leading horses back inside before the impending thunderstorm made the process tedious. Michael Brewster was standing in the large doorway of the barn, and when he saw Jay he smiled.

“Are you getting settled?” he asked. Jay nodded slowly.

“Yes sir. I’m actually all done unpacking. Anything I can do to pitch in?” Mr. Brewster’s smile grew.

“That’s a refreshing attitude around here. Let me introduce you to our barn manager. Tory, come here!” he called. A tall, lean man jogged over. He was wearing faded jeans, a t-shirt, and muddy paddock boots.

“What’s up boss?” he asked.

“I wanted to introduce you to Jay Hamilton. He’s our new farm hand… has lots of potential. I’d say anything you need done, he can do.” Tory gave him a look with serious brown eyes.

“You have experience with horses?” he inquired. Jay nodded.

“Yes… I rode for about nine years and was in school for equine business management with a minor in training and breeding.”

“Great. So I can trust you with the horses right off… definitely a plus. How long’s it been since you were near something with hooves?”

“You mean other than my former cellmate?” Jay asked, and then blushed. “Sorry… I don’t mean to bring things like that up,” he muttered. But Michael and Tory were smiling.

“It’s nice to see someone with a sense of humor about a bad past. Why don’t you do some work cleaning up the horses that are in? They got pretty mucky being out in the field, and we get lots of visitors in on the weekends. We like to keep the animals looking well kept,” Tory explained.

“OK. Where can I find some grooming equipment?”

“Follow me,” Tory said.

“I’ll see you guys later. After you’re done you should take a look around Jay, get yourself used to this place,” Michael said.

“I’ll do that,” Jay replied.

“I’m going to be doing Erin’s training today Tory. Christine had to take the afternoon off! Keep the other riders out of the arena from four thirty on,” Mr. Brewster called. Tory nodded and they continued up the aisle.

“Who’s Erin?” Jay asked. The other man looked at him with a raised eyebrow, seemingly surprised that Jay didn’t know the answer.

“Mr. Brewster’s daughter… he’s grooming her to be an Olympic contender,” Tory explained. Jay nodded.

“Oh… I see,” he said. They continued their walk in silence.

Jay finished grooming horses at about five o’clock. He couldn’t shake the smile on his face at having spent so much time doing something he loved so much. He had decided to take his boss’s advice and look around. He made his way up and down the aisle, looking into rooms he hadn’t been in yet. There were two tack rooms, two offices, and a locker room. Near the middle of the aisle there was a hallway to the left, and he could hear talking coming from that direction. He walked quietly down and soon found himself looking into a spacious indoor arena. Mr. Brewster was standing in the center of the ring, barking instructions to the rider in the saddle. She was riding a large chestnut warm blood that had a ground-eating stride. They were cantering toward a huge fence, and she looked ahead with a determined expression on her face.

“Erin, focus! You’ve got the stride all muddled up!” Michael called. Jay stood in the shadows, watching as the girl frowned and narrowed her eyes. The duo flew over the fence, and to Jay they looked fantastic. “Jesus Erin, who taught you how to ride?”

“What was wrong with that?” she demanded, easing her horse to a stop. She brushed sweat from her brow angrily. Her gray polo shirt was clinging to her back with sweat. Jay could see sweat stains at the small of her back and under her arms; apparently this training session had been a difficult one.

“You took too many strides leading up to the fence. Couldn’t you feel how forward he was? You can’t rush a fence like that,” Mr. Brewster scolded. Erin gave a shake of her head.

“I’ve been doing this since I was six… I think I know how to ride a fence,” she shot back.

“There’s always room to improve, especially when you’re riding like that.” Jay watched as the horse moved off at a walk. Erin dropped her stirrups and rolled her shoulders forward and back.

“I’m done for the day,” she tossed over her shoulder. Mr. Brewster stood in the center of the ring, watching as his daughter rode away. With a sigh he walked out of the ring, never seeing Jay standing in the dim light to the side. Suddenly Erin and the horse were halted straight ahead and she was looking right at him. “Enjoying the show?” she asked. Jay cleared his throat, shaking his head.

“No… I’m sorry. I was just enjoying watching you ride… you’re good,” he stuttered, forcing himself to look away from her and at his feet. She was beautiful… something he knew he didn’t need to be thinking. She laughed, drawing his eyes back up.

“Didn’t you hear what he said?” she demanded. Jay shrugged.

“I don’t care what he said… I was watching you ride. What he said doesn’t factor into it for me,” he said, turning and starting to go.

“Wait a second!” she called. Jay stopped, but didn’t look at her. “Who are you?” she asked.

“I’m Jay… new farm hand.”

“Oh. I’ll see you around,” she said. He nodded and hurried away. Erin stared after him for a long time before moving off at an easy walk to cool down her horse.

Erin sat in a field one evening, watching the sun set. It had been a long week, and sometimes sitting out with the horses helped her unwind. A noise behind her made her turn quickly. The new farm hand was standing there, holding a halter and lead in his right hand.

“Oh! Jay, right?” she asked. He nodded slowly but didn’t step toward her. She brushed her long auburn hair over her shoulder. “What’re you doing?” she asked, and then sighed inwardly. “Never mind, that was a stupid question,” she said with a little laugh at her own expense. She turned back to watch the horses.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve done that a lot this week,” he said. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled broadly.

“Good to know I’m not the only one.” She patted the ground beside her. “Pull up some grass. I bet Dad and Tory are working you to the bone,” she said. Jay hesitated and she laughed. “Jesus, I won’t bite. I won’t even tell on you. Have a seat,” she said. He took a deep breath and moved forward, sitting down at least a foot to her right.

“What’re you doing out here?” he asked after a moment. Erin gave a shrug, turning to watch the horses.

“Eh… getting away from all the hubbub back in the barn. I need to get up in the saddle and ride some, but I just don’t feel like it today. Of course, if Dad doesn’t see my name on the board as having ridden at least an hour, he’ll be on my case about it.” She sighed and shook her head slowly, glancing at him again. He was looking at her with serious blue eyes.

“He takes it pretty serious doesn’t he?” he asked. She smiled, and the beauty of it nearly took his breath away.

“Like a heart attack,” she said. Jay laughed a little.

“I can’t figure why he’s so tough on you… you really are good.”

“Ah, so that isn’t just a line you use on all the girls you meet?” she kidded. Jay glanced away then, but not before she saw his face fall.

“Nope,” he murmured, getting to his feet. After a moment he looked down at her. She was looking up at him, her arms wrapped around her knees and her hair swirling around her shoulders. She smiled a little and held out her hand.

“Help me up,” she said. Jay swallowed hard before reaching out and taking her hand, pulling her up from the ground carefully before putting his hand in his pocket.

“You better get back and ride,” he murmured. Erin nodded slowly.

“Thanks for listening,” she said, turning and walking away. Jay nodded, forcing himself to turn away from her retreating form. He raked his fingers through his hair as he walked, shaking the thought of her smile from his brain.

Jay finished filling the last of the water buckets and took a moment to lean against the weathered wooden doorframe when he finished winding the hose up. It was pouring outside that day, rain falling in gray sheets across the muddy gravel path. All the horses were in their stalls, per Mr. Brewster’s request. There was a fairly big show that weekend, and he wanted all the horses well rested and taken care of before the big day. He’d been working at the farm for nearly three weeks now, and was well accustom to the routine. His new boss seemed pleased with is work, and he was hoping that he’d be able to do more hands-on work with the horses.

“Sleeping on the job?” a voice asked. Jay whirled around, his breath catching when he found Erin standing behind him. She was wearing a faded blue t-shirt, jeans and had a pair of brown leather chaps tossed casually over her shoulder. Her hair was pulled into a sloppy ponytail at the crown of her head. He cleared his throat and turned back to the view.

“You could say that I guess. Just taking a breather… everything’s done,” he assured her. Erin laughed, moving to lean on the door jam across from him.

“I’m not your boss you know. You don’t have to give me an explanation of what you’ve done and haven’t,” she assured him. Jay glanced at her and nodded.

“OK.” They fell into a silence, and he was surprised at how comfortable it was. The rain was starting to let up.

“I have an idea,” she said suddenly. He looked at her with curious eyes.

“What?” he asked.

“Let’s go on a ride. I heard Dad and Tory saying that you knew your way around a saddle… you haven’t been up since you got here. Want to?” He was shaking his head before she finished talking.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Ms. Brewster,” he muttered, pushing off the door and starting to walk away. He felt her hand slide over his bicep and he froze.

“My name is Erin,” she said, stepping in front of him. She was smiling, apparently unaware that he’d stopped breathing. Jay stepped back.

“OK… I don’t think that’s a good idea Erin,” he repeated. She frowned.

“Why not?” she demanded. He shrugged, shaking his head at the same time. He turned his attention to a halter that’d been tossed on the floor. He picked it up and focused on trying to pick the mud out of the seams.

“I, uh, I just don’t think your Dad would be OK with it. I work here and everything… I should probably find something productive to do,” he said. He heard her sigh.

“Dad!” she called, surprising him. His gaze flew up, and he groaned inwardly. Mr. Brewster was walking by them, but stopped when she called for him.

“Hey Erin. You getting ready for a ride?” he asked, pausing to place a kiss on her forehead. She made a face, but nodded.

“Yeah. I was thinking I’d show Jay some of the trails… you said he was a pretty good rider right?” she inquired. Mr. Brewster nodded.

“Sure did. He beat the pants off of your brother in college.” Erin’s eyes clouded over, and Jay wondered why.

“Well then he must be brilliant. Is it OK with you that I put him up on Elliot?” The man seemed to think for a moment, glancing at Jay. The young man looked up at him, and his blue eyes were clearly begging him to say no. Michael smiled a little.

“It’d do Elliot some good to get out for a ride. Just be careful, and if you see him riding like an idiot give him some pointers. I spent thousands of dollars on your training degree, so you should put it to use. Besides, I can’t have him up on one of our horses looking like a dolt,” he said, sauntering off. Erin grinned.

“See? Come on, I’ll show you where the tack is.”

“Erin, I don’t know,” he began. She took his hand in hers and began to pull him down the aisle.

“Let’s go. Don’t act like you aren’t dying to get up in the irons again,” she said. She was right about that, at least. Jay sighed to himself, pulling his hand away but continuing to follow her down the aisle.

The rain had all but stopped, and the horses trotted down a tree-lined path. The ground was soft, and gave beneath them with soft squishing sounds. Occasionally a drop of water would fall from the green leaves above and land on his hand or the fabric on his jeans. Jay posted along with Elliot’s smooth gait, glancing over at Erin. She was riding the same chestnut he’d seen her riding several weeks before. Her ponytail bounced up and down on her back as she posted.

“Are you OK?” she asked, glancing over at him. He nodded, easing Elliot to a walk. She did the same, leaning forward to pat the large gelding’s neck. “Good boy Punch,” she murmured.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s been awhile,” he said, rolling his shoulders and readjusting his position. She eyed him critically.

“You do look a little stiff. How long’s it been?” He hesitated for a moment, glancing down at his hands.

“Almost six years,” he replied finally. Her jaw dropped, and she gaped at him with wide hazel eyes.

“Six years?” she asked incredulously. “God, how on earth did you go six years without getting on a horse? Did you live in Antarctica?” Jay smiled a little, chuckling.

“No, not quite. I might’ve liked that a little better though,” he muttered. She raised an eyebrow. It was something she seemed quite prone to doing.

“What could be worse than Antarctica?” He halted Elliot and looked at her seriously.

“Prison,” he said simply. Erin was silent for a moment, and she urged Punch back into a walk. He had little choice but to follow.

“Prison,” she murmured, turning the word over on her tongue thoughtfully. “What did you do?” Jay swallowed, the words sticking in his throat. He hated this part, the moment when potential friends took the first of ten steps away from him… putting distance between themselves and someone like him.

“I… I was convicted of statutory rape,” he said. Punch eased to a stop and she turned the big animal so she was looking him in the eye.

“Did you do it?” He nodded, but said nothing. “Sounds like quite the story. You’ll have to tell me about it sometime,” she said. Punch moved off again at a walk. It took Jay a moment to realize that she hadn’t cantered off, fear in her eyes.

“What?” he demanded, trotting Elliot to catch up. She glanced at him.

“I said you’ll have to tell me sometime. Not now though… we’ve only been friends for like half a day. I try to save the really hard stuff until I’ve been friends with someone for at least a week.” Jay shook his head slowly.

“Unbelievable,” he muttered. Erin smiled a little.

“My father taught me to give everyone a chance… that’s his big thing, and always has been. Besides, if you can be honest about going to prison, I figure I can trust you to be honest about pretty much anything else.” He nodded slowly, but neither one said anything for the rest of their ride.

Jay finished grooming Punch early Saturday morning. Erin was riding in a class that morning, and he wanted to be sure the big gelding looked perfect.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Erin said, leaning against the stall door and looking in at him. He had on a pair of grungy jeans and a gray sweatshirt that morning, his hair was still wet from his shower.

“This is kind of why your Dad brought me along,” he replied, sliding a light sheet over Punch’s back to keep him clean.

“Ahh… and here I thought it was so I’d have an actual cheering section,” she kidded. He glanced at her over his shoulder, frowning slightly.

“I’m sure you don’t need me for that,” he murmured. She had apparently come to the barn directly from the hotel that morning. She was wearing a purple tank top, a pair of white shorts and flip flops. He could only guess that she’d slept in that, and then shook the thought from his head.

“Well it’s not like Dad will do it,” she shot back. He took a mane comb to Punch’s tail and put the finishing touches on his braiding work.

“He doesn’t even let up here?” he asked. Erin shook her head, walking in and giving Punch a strong pat on the shoulder. She casually tossed her long braid over her shoulder, pushing loose strands behind her ears.

“Like I said, he takes this pretty seriously. I’ve been showing since I was six… that’s going on seventeen years now. Whether I win or lose, there’s always something he wanted done differently… better I guess.”

“It’s not like you’re stinking up the ring.” She shook her head and smiled, reaching out and taking the comb from him. He looked up at her. “What?”

“Nothing. He just looks fine… take a break. Did you eat this morning?” Jay shook his head, brushing past her and waiting for her to exit the stall before pulling the door closed.

“Nah. I’m not much of a breakfast eater,” he said, tossing brushes into their container and putting all of it in the tack box.

“You should keep me company then,” she said. Jay stopped, turning to look at her. Surprisingly, he seemed angry.

“Why do you want to hang around me so much Erin?” he demanded. She frowned slightly, her hazel eyes clouding over.

“I was just trying to be nice. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I was just guessing that you didn’t either. I thought maybe…” Jay shook his head, cutting her off.

“Well you thought wrong. I’m just here to do my job,” he muttered, stalking away. Erin watched as he went, her frown deepening.

Erin was waiting when Jay led Punch to the warm up ring. She had changed and was wearing a pair of tan breeches, a white dress shirt, and a black riding jacket. Her boots were polished so thoroughly that he probably could’ve seen his reflection in the black leather. She took the reins from him without a word. Jay sighed inwardly.

“Do you need a leg up?” he asked. She nodded quickly, standing beside Punch with her hands up on the saddle. She bent her left leg, and Jay moved to her left side. He slid his hands around her knee in a cup and said, “One, two three.” On the word three he boosted her up into the saddle. Erin leaned down and checked her girth quickly, then settled herself into the stirrups.

“Thanks,” she muttered before riding off. Jay stood by the gate, holding the cooler they would need when they finished riding in the show. Mr. Brewster walked up and gave him a nod.

“Morning Jay,” he said.

“Morning Mr. Brewster. Nice day for a show,” he added.

“Better than all that rain we were having. How’s Erin looking this morning?” he inquired, his eyes scanning the ring until he found her. She and Punch were moving around at a beautiful extended trot.

“She seems fine,” Jay answered. “I took good care of Punch.”

“That’s what I like to hear. Did she seem nervous at all? She doesn’t talk to me about that kind of nonsense, knows I can’t deal with all that emotional mumbo jumbo.” Jay shrugged, glancing away.

“She didn’t really say much to me about it,” he muttered. Mr. Brewster looked at him for a long moment.

“You know Jay… it’s ok with me if you talk to her, or anyone else on the farm for that matter. You don’t have to keep to yourself.” Jay looked up at him, wondering why on earth someone would want their daughter to talk to a man who had spent time in prison. As if reading his mind Michael added, “Everyone makes a mistake now and then Jay. All you can do is make your amends the best you can and then move on.” With those words the man moved off to meet Erin as she rode out of the ring.

Jay finished checking the horses late that evening. They had come home after the show, and most people had retired early for the day. He’d volunteered to close things up for the night, knowing that everyone was tired. It had been a good day for the farm; three of their riders had placed first in their respective classes. Erin had taken a blue ribbon in her only class, along with a hefty sum of prize money. She had been right though; her father still found something to pick at about her ride.

“Hey there big guy,” he said, letting himself into Elliot’s stall. He hadn’t ridden since the afternoon he’d gone out with Erin, but he’d grown fond of the big bay gelding anyway. He gave him a pat and then held out the carrot he’d brought with him. Elliot lipped it up, blowing a warm breath into his hand. “Maybe I’ll be able to take you out for a spin tomorrow,” he murmured. Everyone was taking the day off from strenuous training. He hoped there would be time to do some riding. He was still incredibly sore from their trail ride. The muscles across his shoulders were tight, and it hurt to walk. He knew it wouldn’t last long though. He gave Elliot one final pat before moving back out of the stall. He shut off all the bright overhead lights, leaving just the wall lamps on. It was a beautiful March evening. The crickets were chirping, and fireflies dotted the sky. Jay walked outside and paused at one of the fence posts to look out across the fields. He could see Erin sitting amid the tall grass, watching the horses. He took a deep breath and climbed through the fence, walking slowly to where she was sitting. She gave a sideways glance when she heard him, but said nothing as she turned back to the twilight. Jay sat down, drawing his knees up and leaning his forearm and chin against them. They sat in silence for a long while, listening to the grazing horses. “I owe you an apology,” he said finally.

“Really?” she replied, not looking at him.

“Yeah, really. I was out of line earlier… I’m not good at this anymore.”

“Good at what?” she asked, turning to look at him. Her hair was hanging loose around her shoulders, and the wind blew several strands across her face. She brushed them away with a grimace.

“Being friends with someone. It’s been a really long time since that’s been something I’ve had to think about.”

“What about people you were friends with before?” Jay smiled sadly.

“Most people don’t want to be friends with a convicted rapist.”

“Statutory rapist,” she corrected. He shrugged.

“Whatever. To most people the specifics don’t matter. My family stopped speaking to me, and basically all of my friends disappeared. My only friend right now is my parole officer… which is pretty fucked up, but that’s how it is.”

“Don’t you want friends?” she murmured, watching him closely. He looked at her for a long time.

“I don’t know… it seems easier sometimes not to complicate things.”

“It kind of seems like you’re still punishing yourself for something you spent a lot of time paying for already.”

“I’m not sure that you can ever be punished enough for doing what I did,” he replied. Erin frowned, turning back to the field.

“You said it was statutory rape. What happened?”

“I was stupid and I went to jail,” he replied. Erin laughed softly.

“I think you’re over simplifying this. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I was just wondering how awful you really were,” she said. When he hadn’t spoken for several minutes, she thought he’d decided not to say anything more about it. Just as she was about to say something else, he started to speak.

“It was the middle of my sophomore year in college. I had just pledged to a fraternity and things were going pretty well. I lived in the house with the other guys, and school was good. I was training my own horse finally, and we were showing well. We won regionals my freshman year. It was just all pretty good. I was lonely though… I’d never been very popular with girls. So my brothers… frat brothers that is, they decided to throw a party. They said they’d find someone that I’d love.”

“Nice of them,” she said softly. Jay shrugged.

“I guess so. So the night of the party they introduced me to Heather. She seemed really nice… she was pretty too. I was so nervous though, so they told me to have a few beers and relax. So I did, and it helped. Heather and I danced and laughed and talked… we stayed up so late just hanging out. She told me that she was a freshman at a nearby college, and talked about what she was majoring in. Then we started to mess around. Before I knew it we were having sex, and then we fell asleep together. In the morning she got up and left. She gave me her number and we talked a few times after.” Erin was frowning.

“I don’t understand,” she began.

“Neither did I when the police showed up at my door two weeks later. Her parents found out what had happened… I guess her Dad saw an instant message from me telling her I missed her. He freaked out, and I guess I don’t blame him. If some nineteen year old was talking that way to my sixteen year old daughter, I’d be pretty pissed off too.”

“Sixteen?” she said, the word slipping past her lips in an incredulous whisper.

“Yeah. She was visiting her older sister that weekend at school. My brothers didn’t know that though; her sister had told them it was her best friend from home visiting and that she was ok to be there. It didn’t matter in the end though. Her parents pressed charges and I went to jail.”

“That’s awful,” she said. He nodded.

“I guess so.”

“She should’ve told you how old she was.”

“I should’ve asked,” he replied. She was quiet for a moment.

“You served how long in jail?” she asked.

“Four years. I was supposed to do six, but they released me on parole. That’s how I got the job here… my P.O. is apparently friends with your Dad.”

“Ethan?” she asked. Jay nodded.

“Yeah. You know him?” She laughed a little.

“He and Dad go way back. He used to come to all my horse shows when I was little. He’s a good guy.”

“He is that.”

“So you don’t blame her at all for this?” Erin asked after another long moment of silence. Jay shrugged, looking away from her.

“I guess I do a little. She tried to apologize, but it was in court when they were taking me out after the verdict. I don’t blame her though… it was a stupid situation, and one that could’ve been prevented had I just thought and acted responsibly instead of behaving like a hormonal teenager.” Erin laughed.

“You were a hormonal teenager,” she said. Jay looked at her then, smiling a little.

“Yeah, I was. Figures that my first time with a girl would send me up the creek though.”

“Jesus,” she muttered.

“Pretty much.” They sat in silence, looking out blankly across the fields. They could no longer see the horses through the darkness.

“I should probably get up to the house. Dad will be wondering where I’ve disappeared to.” Jay stood up and then held out his hand to help her to her feet. She took it and then walked beside him through the slightly damp grass.

“Why do you still live with him? It’s pretty obvious that you have kind of a strained relationship.” Erin laughed.

“I don’t live with him… I stay in the smaller house near the back of the property. Dad likes me to drop by and say goodnight, especially after a show. He wants to talk strategy and all that while it’s still fresh in our heads.”

“Oh. Well then you’d better hurry on up,” he said. She gave him a playful nudge with her elbow and then moved off toward her father’s house.

“Yeah, I live for moments like these,” she said with a grin. Jay stood and watched as she made her way up the path.

“Hey Erin?” he called. She turned, walking backwards for a moment.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for listening,” he said. She smiled, brushing her hair from her face.

“Sure thing,” she replied, turning and jogging the rest of the way.

Jay was up early the following morning, dressed and at the barn. He fed and watered the horses, and then did some quick clean up of the hay that had landed on the aisle floor. When he was done he got Elliot’s tack and got the horse ready for a ride. He hesitated only briefly before leading the big horse into the arena, hoping that his boss wouldn’t mind him riding the horse again. He clipped a helmet in place and then swung into the saddle. They moved around the ring at an easy walk for several minutes before Jay urged the animal into a trot. They went around, and he found himself smiling. Elliot was in good form, moving out at a flowing working trot with no real urging.

“If you collect that, you’ll feel a real difference in him,” a voice said. Jay halted Elliot quickly, turning to see who had spoken. Erin was standing by the rail, her face resting on her palm.

“I know I probably shouldn’t be riding him without…” She held up her hand, smiling.

“You don’t need to apologize. Elliot belongs to me and it’s fine that you ride him. You look good on him actually.” He let out the breath he’d been holding.

“Thanks. Were you planning to ride this morning?” he asked. She gave a shrug, pulling her hair into a sloppy ponytail.

“I’m in no real rush. Why don’t you keep going? You looked great… just some fine tuning needs to be done.” He hesitated for a moment.

“Would you mind staying and watching? Just give a holler if you see anything really awful.” She smiled and shook her head slowly.

“I’m sure I won’t see anything really awful,” she kidded. He gave her a withering look and she laughed. “I’ll hang around. Mind if I come to the center? I’ll be able to see better.” He shrugged indifferently and moved off at a walk as Erin entered the ring. It was a chilly morning and she’d worn a pair of baggy sweatpants and a long sleeved cotton shirt. He could tell that she had on her riding clothes underneath.

“I’m just going to get back to where we left off,” he said. She nodded and watched as Elliot moved back up into a working trot. Jay took her advice and soon was moving around at a beautiful collected trot.

“Control the posting!” she called. He gave a nod and she could see the effort he put into controlling the motion of rising and falling in the saddle. “That looks a lot better.” They kept moving around her and she said, “You could toss in a twenty meter circle at the top of the ring here… work on bend and counter bend while you’re on that.”

“Ok,” he said. She moved to stand closer to the area of the ring he was working on as he guided Elliot on a precise twenty meter circle. For several times around Elliot bent naturally on the circle, his inside shoulder hollow on the arc they made. Suddenly the horse bent the other way, hollowing his outside shoulder and turning his head slightly to the outside. She could barely see the aides Jay was giving the large horse, although she knew he was working hard. Elliot hated lateral work.

“That looks great,” she said. He smiled slightly but said nothing, letting Elliot go back to his natural bend before moving off around the large ring again. He did a quick change of direction across the arena before going back to the twenty meter circle and completing the exercise again. When they’d finished he pulled up and glanced at her.

“So what do you think?” he asked. She smiled slightly.

“Like I said, I didn’t see anything really awful,” she replied. He rolled his eyes.

“Very funny. Really, what did you think?”

“I think you look pretty good for someone who hasn’t been on a horse in six years. I’m impressed. Elliot absolutely hates lateral work.”

“So you were trying to set me up with that little exercise?” he said, a smile playing in his blue eyes. She laughed and gave a one shouldered shrug.

“I guess a little. Getting him to counter bend like that always takes some work… or usually does.”

“I did a lot of dressage prep… wanted to work up to grand prix level one day. Actually I would’ve liked to event, but dressage was always kind of my biggest thing.”

“Hmm… I wouldn’t have guessed that about you.”

“Why not?” he asked, turning Elliot up the center line of the arena and having the horse leg yield left across the ring. They crossed so close to her that his leg brushed her arm. She smiled as she turned to watch him ride away.

“I don’t know. You just seem like someone who would crave the fast paced action of jumping.”

“Like you?” he said.

“Yeah, I guess so. I live for that feeling… the way the horse just launches you over a five foot fence that way. Nothing feels as good as that.” Jay smiled.

“Jumping is fun too. But out of a three day event, the dressage has always been my favorite. When I find my stride again and look halfway decent up here, I’ll show you.”

“That’d be great.” He moved Elliot into a canter, and she watched how easily he collected the big horse. They were poetry in motion. When he pulled up he caught her staring at him.

“What?” he asked. She shook her head slowly, glancing away for a moment.

“Nothing. I just don’t see Elliot going that way too often… you make a good team. You should probably call it a day though. You’re going to be sore.” He nodded, slipping his feet out of the stirrups and beginning to cool down.

“Going to be? I’ve been sore since our ride. Your father is lucky I can still lift bales of hay.” She laughed, giving Elliot a pat as she walked past him.

“I’ll see you later. I need to get Punch out to the cross country course today… it’s about time we did some good work over those fences.”

“Want some company? I know I always liked it when there was someone to watch as I went along.”

“Yeah, that’d be great. It’s been awhile since I had anyone pacing me. Meet me out front in fifteen minutes,” she said, walking away. He nodded, watching as she jogged into the barn.

Jay rode along a path that was parallel to the cross country course. Erin and Punch were flying along, and doing well so far. Watching her he knew that he was looking at someone that might just be world-famous someday. The duo was approaching a large water jump at a ground-eating canter, when suddenly Punch skidded to a halt. Jay was shocked when he saw Erin coming out of her saddle. She landed with a tremendous splash in the middle of the water, still holding her reins. He cantered to her, dismounting quickly.

“Are you ok?” he demanded, standing at the edge as she waded toward him. She was looking past him and glaring at Punch.

“I’m fine. Once every three months or so this idiot decides that water jumps are for losers, and this is what he does.” Her helmet was still in place, but her hair hung over her shoulder in wet ribbons. Her shirt and breeches were soaked through. The only lucky thing was that she had been wearing a pair of old leather high boots. She had reached the bank of the jump, and could see that Jay was trying very hard not to laugh. “I’m glad you’re finding this amusing,” she muttered, turning her glare to him as he extended his hand to help her out. She took it, giving it a sharp tug so he lost his balance and toppled toward her. They both came up sputtering, and now she was laughing.

“That was not necessary,” he said, wiping his hand over his face and pushing his hair from his eyes. The water wasn’t quite waist deep, but they’d both gone under when he fell in.

“I didn’t want you to feel left out,” she said with a grin. He shook his head but couldn’t help but smile. He climbed out and extended his hand to her again. This time she took it and let him pull her on to dry land.

“You’re sure you’re ok?” he asked. She nodded, ringing out her shirt carefully.

“Other than being ticked off at Punch I’m fine. Are you OK to watch me finish up?” He smiled and swung back into the saddle, making a squishing sound as he sat.

“Yup. Try to stay on this time,” he said as he trotted back to the path. Erin smiled and swung back aboard Punch to finish the course.

Michael Brewster glanced up from his paperwork when someone knocked on the office door. It was the middle of May, and they were moving in to the busiest time in the spring show season.

“Come on in!” he called. Jay let himself in and closed the door behind him. “Hey Jay. What can I do for you?”

“Umm… I came to tell you that I’m not going to be able to go to the Maryland shows. Ethan said that he couldn’t get the judge to approve that. I know that’s a real inconvenience to you…”

“Actually, it’ll turn out to be helpful. Tory and three of the other stable hands are going with us for those two weeks, and I was wondering who I could leave behind to keep up with things here. Would you mind kind of making sure everything gets done while we’re gone?” Jay’s jaw dropped.

“Are you sure Mr. Brewster? I mean, that’s a pretty big responsibility,” he said. Michael looked at the young man seriously.

“Jay, you’ve worked for me for nearly three months now. You work harder than any of my other hands, and I’m real impressed with you. I trust you to keep things going smoothly while I’m gone. It’ll just be feeding, cleaning, and turn-out. You can handle it.”

“Thank you. I’ll be sure everything gets done while you’re gone,” Jay said, smiling broadly. He turned to go.

“Jay?” Mr. Brewster asked.

“Yes sir?”

“Be sure to get in some riding time while everyone is away. I know how busy you keep yourself, but Erin mentioned that you and Elliot had hit it off. It’s nice to hear that someone is getting some good work out of that big lug.”

“I’ll be sure to do that. Thanks again Mr. Brewster,” he said, walking out and closing the door behind him. He walked quickly down the aisle of the barn, and in his excitement he didn’t see Erin come around a corner. They slammed into one another, and he grabbed her upper arms to steady her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, smiling up at him. He shook his head, stepping back quickly.

“No, totally my fault. I wasn’t paying attention.” They looked at one another for a moment and then both laughed.

“Where were you going?” she asked. He shrugged.

“Going to eat some lunch and enjoy the conversation I just had with your father,” he said, starting to walk again. Erin walked beside him.

“What did you guys talk about?”

“He said he wanted me to watch things here while you guys are at the shows for those two weeks… end of May and beginning of June. I can’t believe that he’s leaving me responsible for all this.” She tried to hide that her face had fallen.

“That’s great. He thinks you’re doing a good job,” she said. He glanced at her as they walked out into the sunshine.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. She shook her head, smiling at him.

“I’m just being stupid. I kind of liked having you at the last few shows… it was nice to have someone that told me how well I rode.” He gave her a nudge with his elbow.

“You’re going to be great whether I’m there or not. Just don’t let your father bug you. He’s hard on you because he wants you to succeed.” She sighed, raking her fingers through her hair.

“I know,” she muttered. They lapsed into silence as they walked into a field. Jay moved toward one of the horses and slid a halter over the animal’s nose and head. “It’s great that he asked you to stay here and take care of things. Congratulations,” she said finally. Jay smiled.

“Thanks,” he said, handing her the lead and moving to another horse to bring it inside. They walked together out of the field, pausing to latch the gate behind them. The sun was starting to set, casting a warm orange glow over everything it touched. Jay reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and she looked up at him. “Cheer up,” he ordered. She smiled.

“OK,” she replied. They walked the rest of the way in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

Most of the regular farm crew had been gone for a week, and Jay was enjoying the solitude. Only one other farm hand had stayed behind, and they fell into an easy routine. Jay made time to ride every evening, and he and Elliot began making steady progress in their dressage training. Jay even took the time to go out and spend some of his hard-earned paycheck on a new pair of breeches and high boots. Late one night he walked the aisle of the barn, doing a last check of things. Since he was there alone he liked to do a late-night check to make sure none of the horses needed anything. A noise from a stall caught his attention and he went to it, and he was surprised to find Punch standing inside. Erin was crouched down by his right front leg, unwrapping his legs.

“What’re you doing home?” he asked. She stood and turned toward him, then away when she remembered that she’d been crying.

“Oh, umm… nothing. Just felt like calling it quits a little early on this run,” she replied, sniffing and returning to her task. Jay hesitated at the stall door before going in and crouching down beside her. He put his hands over hers and they looked at one another.

“Why don’t you let me do this? You must be tired,” he said. She nodded and stood up, turning away from him to brush tears from her eyes.

“Thanks,” she said after a moment. Jay shrugged and finished unwrapping Punch’s legs. He tossed the wraps into the grooming kit and picked it up, walking out of the stall. Erin walked beside him, silent. They stopped off at the tack room and then she watched as he turned off the overhead lights before starting to walk up the aisle. She put her hand on his arm and he turned.

“What?” he asked.

“Don’t you want to know what happened?” He looked at her for a long moment, taking in her red, puffy eyes and her hair as it swirled wildly around her shoulders. She was still in her dress clothes from the show she must’ve ridden in that day, minus the jacket. Her white sleeveless shirt was wrinkled, and she’d untucked it, probably as she drove he guessed.

“Only if you want to tell me,” he replied. They walked for a minute or so more until they had reached the main door, and she stopped to lean against the doorframe. He did the same, standing across from her and watching her closely. She opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again, shaking her head in frustration. Her hair spilled over her shoulders in tangled waves.

“I don’t know really. I rode and placed second… then Dad freaked out. He was lecturing me about how I can’t expect to make the Olympic team taking second place like that. So I told him I didn’t give a shit about the Olympics.” Jay frowned.

“That must’ve made him extremely angry,” he observed. She glanced at him and nodded, biting her bottom lip to keep from crying.

“He told me that he’d worked too hard to watch me throw all of this away so I got upset. Because you know, he hasn’t been the one working all that hard. I’ve had another trainer for the past four years and I’ve busted my ass to get myself where he wanted me to be. That’s not hard on him at all. I’m the one riding myself into the ground.” He nodded, watching as a tear slipped down her cheek. She brushed it away angrily.

“He’s been driving you pretty hard, for a long time hasn’t he?” he murmured. Erin nodded and tossed her hair over her shoulder, looking out into the darkness.

“Yes… harder lately. In any case, I told him that he could find someone else to tyrannize. I loaded up my trailer and drove back here. I’m sure he’s absolutely furious. I had two more shows to ride in before I was done with this series… and missing these means I’ll miss the rest of the circuit of shows that go along with them.”

“He’ll get over it Erin,” he assured her. She let out an incredulous laugh.

“You’ve met my father right? I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me to pack up my gear and my horses and find another barn.”

“I don’t think he will. He loves you.” She shrugged, beginning to walk again.

“I suppose he does… by default anyway.” She was walking up the path slightly ahead of him, but he jogged to catch up. He put his hand on her arm and turned her gently to face him.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked, looking at her seriously. She shook her head quickly, pulling out of his grasp and walking a few steps.

“Forget it,” she muttered. Jay sighed, unsure of how to continue. He’d never seen her upset, and it had been a long time since he’d been in a position to talk like this with someone. Especially a woman. With a deep breath he put his hand on her shoulder gently.

“Erin, you can’t just say something like that to someone and then expect them to drop it.” When she still hadn’t said anything, he stepped in front of her and looked at her with serious blue eyes. “We’re friends right?” he asked. She gave a quick nod and he said, “You can talk to me about this. I promise I’m not going to go back to your father and tell him or tell you you’re stupid for feeling however you’re feeling.” She looked up at him for a long moment, tears brimming in her eyes. He watched as she walked further up the trail, stopping at her front porch and plopping down on the steps. He sat down next to her, noticing that he couldn’t sit far enough from her so that they weren’t touching.

“You know about my brother?” she asked. Jay hesitated for a moment.

“Umm… I rode against him a couple times in college. What’s he doing now?” She smiled sadly, turning her head to look at him.

“Eric died about three years ago,” she said.

“He… Jesus. How?” She drew in a deep breath, raking her fingers over her scalp and pausing with her fingers still tangled in her hair.

“It was a car accident. He was driving home after a long stretch of shows… and I guess he hit some bad weather. The police said that his car skidded off the road on a curve in upstate New York. He died on impact.” For a moment neither one of them spoke.

“That must’ve been hard on you,” Jay said. She nodded, looking at him again. She wasn’t crying, and he was glad. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if she started.

“It was, but it was harder on Dad. He and Eric were incredibly close… and Eric could do no wrong when it came to riding. He had a spot on the Olympic team waiting for him when he died. If he hadn’t, he would’ve been representing the United States in the games. Dad was devastated.”

“I can’t even imagine how awful that must’ve been for you both.”

“It got worse after the funeral. All of a sudden Dad decided that I should pick up where Eric left off. He wanted me to change my major in school and try to get an equine business management degree… or something with equine reproduction. I didn’t do that, although I minored in equine training and therapy, but I did start riding five times a week. I hadn’t really been that into the whole riding scene since I went to college, but it seemed to cheer Dad up to see me up there. I mean… I had never given it up, but I wasn’t a really driven rider. It was never something I dreamed about doing full time or professionally, not like Eric. It was what he’d wanted since he was ten years old and watched Dad in the Olympics. I did it for Dad though… it was the only thing that kept him going at first.”

“What about now?” he asked. She shook her head and sighed.

“Now I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. I’m not Eric. I don’t want to go and ride in the Olympics. I don’t want to ride seven days a week, twice a day to prepare for weeks on the road proving myself to strangers. I’m never going to be as good as Eric either.” She saw the way he was looking at her and she held up her hand, “I know I’m a good rider Jay. That part has always come really easily to me. I just mean that to Dad, I will never ever measure up to what Eric did up there. I wouldn’t want to either. Eric sacrificed everything for it, and I don’t want to.”

“What would you be doing if you could do what you wanted?” A smile lit her face, coming straight from her eyes as she stood up.

“I’ll show you,” she said, jogging up the steps. She had reached the front door before she realized he wasn’t following her. She turned and frowned slightly. He was still sitting on the porch steps, staring down at his hands. “Jay?” He glanced at her, swallowing hard. She sighed and walked back to where he was sitting. “You don’t have to get all weird about coming into my house. I promise I’m not going to jump your bones or anything,” she assured him. She held out her hand to him and pulled him to his feet as he laughed.

“Well that’s good to know,” he muttered, following her to the door.

“At least not on this visit,” she added with a grin. He gave her a playful push.

“You’re ridiculous,” he said. She opened the door and walked inside, tossing her keys down on a small table that sat to the right of the door. The hallway was dimly lit by a lamp that sat on the table, but instead of going up the hall she started up the stairs. He followed slowly, stopping behind her as she opened a door at the head of the stairs.

“This is what I would do,” she said, turning on the light. He was immediately inundated with images. There were some in black and white, some in color… but the tones and shades didn’t really matter. They were all beautiful. The walls were covered with framed pictures. Many were portraits she’d taken of horses, but there were countless pictures of people. He moved toward one in particular. It was of Punch, and the horse was caught mid-canter as he moved across the field. The light had caught his red coat and seemed to glisten. He moved around the room, pausing at another photo. It was a picture of her father, taken as he stood in the center of a training ring. He was wearing jeans and a polo shirt, and in the photo you could see the blur of a whip as he flicked it against his hand in the process of barking orders to the rider moving around him. She had captured his intensity on film, and he couldn’t keep his jaw from hanging open.

“These are amazing Erin,” he said sincerely. He turned and caught her eye before saying again, “Really. They’re amazing.” She smiled.

“I got my degree in art with a minor in photography. I double minored, because of Dad. In college I did a lot of painting and drawing, but after I moved more to this. I’d love to work for a horse magazine or something taking pictures… or any magazine I guess. Taking pictures is soothing to me.” He walked around the room twice more, looking more closely at pictures he hadn’t noticed the first time around.

“So why don’t you?” he asked, looking at her again. She gave him a skeptical look as she tied her hair back.

“That’d smooth things over with Dad,” she muttered sarcastically. She turned off the light and he followed her back downstairs. They moved up the dim hallway and into the living room. She turned on one of the lamps on the end table next to the couch, sitting down and untying her boots. She held up her right foot and looked at him hopefully. “Help me pull these off?” she asked. He smiled and reached down to pull off the fitted boot. He repeated the same with the left boot and set them beside the couch. She curled her feet underneath herself and motioned for him to sit down. Jay sat down on the other end of the couch, glancing down at his jeans as he sat. They were filthy.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“I do actually live here… and I’m at the barn just about as much as you are. This furniture is used to horse dirt.” He smiled.

“So you can’t be a photographer because of your father,” he said, moving back to their previous conversation.

“Of course because of my father. He would have a complete breakdown if I told him I wasn’t going to carry on with Eric’s dream.”

“He’d rather you be miserable?” She shrugged, as if she’d never thought of it quite that way before. Her eyes were dark and troubled.

“I’m sure he doesn’t know that I am,” she replied. Jay put his arm on the back of the couch, leaning his elbow against the plush surface and resting his cheek on the palm of his hand.

“Maybe he should,” he said simply. Erin sighed and shook her head slowly.

“It’s not really that easy,” she murmured. He frowned slightly, glancing around the room at all the pictures there. It was clear that she had taken most of them. Anyone who came into this house would know how much her photography meant to her. He picked up a photo on the table behind the couch. It was a photo of her and her father, apparently taken after a show several years before. They had their arms slung over each other’s shoulders, and big smiles spread across their faces.

“Nothing worth doing is easy Erin,” he said, putting the photo back. She fell into a troubled silence. “I’m sorry… if I overstepped a line or something I didn’t mean to.” She shook her head and smiled at him.

“It’s ok, you didn’t. I love him and I just don’t want to disappoint him or upset him. He’s had enough of that.” Jay nodded.

“I know, but should it fall on you to make up for everything? I mean… you said it before that you’re not Eric. He can’t expect you to fill that space. Who’s filling the space you used to have?” Tears had filled her eyes and were spilling over before he had a chance to fully prepare himself.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered through tears, but continued crying. Jay hesitated for a moment before reaching out and putting his hand on her arm, squeezing it gently.

“Hey, don’t do that,” he said. She said nothing, just put her hands to her face and cried harder. He swallowed hard, looking down at his hands for a moment before scooting closer and putting his hand on her shoulder. “Come here,” he murmured, pulling her toward him slowly. She came willingly into his embrace, her body still shaking as she cried.

“Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers it’s me that he’s pushing this way, toward this goal that he and Eric wanted so much. It feels like when Eric died I just stopped existing. I hate that,” she muttered. Jay rested his chin on the top of her head, holding his arms loosely around her shoulders. He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the fact that she was so close that he could feel her heart beating and smell the shampoo she used. She smelled like flowers. He could feel her hand that had drifted to his waist while she cried, her fingers curled around the material of his shirt. Her breathing slowly evened out, and he could tell she wasn’t crying any longer.. Suddenly she pulled back, looking up at him with big eyes. “I’m sorry. Geez, I promised I wouldn’t jump your bones and here I am almost in your lap,” she said, scooting backwards a little and brushing her hands over her face roughly.

“It’s alright. I’m just not really good at this kind of thing… never was to be honest.”

“It doesn’t help matters that the first girl you had a chance to be close to kind of blew your life apart,” she observed. He shrugged.

“No, it didn’t help,” he agreed. “We were talking about you though.” A small smile appeared on her face.

“Can we call it a night on that one? I’m tired of talking of myself.”

“Of course. It’s late, I should let you go to sleep,” he said, starting to stand. She put her hand on his and he paused.

“I didn’t mean you had to run out. I just don’t want to talk about this serious bullshit anymore. Do you want to make some popcorn and watch a movie? I’m not really tired yet.”

“As long as we’re not watching some chick flick,” he said with a grin. She laughed.

“So ‘Pretty Woman’ is out?” she asked. Jay rolled his eyes.

“I’ll have to go with yes on that one,” he said.

“Alright. Let’s watch something funny… there are a bunch on the shelf under the TV. Is it OK with you if I take a quick shower and change? It’ll take me like fifteen minutes tops. You could make the popcorn,” she said, sounding hopeful. He let out a sigh in mock exasperation.

“Well alright, but you owe me,” he said with a wink. She stood up and pointed to a doorway to her left.

“If you go through there you’ll find the kitchen. The popcorn is in the cupboard to the left of the refrigerator. I’ll be down in a minute,” she promised. Jay nodded, going into the kitchen and taking out a bag of popcorn. He put it into the microwave and set the time, wondering to himself how he’d ended up with a friend after all.

Jay woke slowly, wondering what the weight on his side was. As his eyes focused, he realized he was still in Erin’s living room. A glance to his left revealed Erin asleep with her head on his ribcage, and his arm was around her. She was still sound asleep. He drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to store the feeling of this somewhere in the back of his mind. He couldn’t remember either of them turning off the TV the night before, but apparently one of them had. It was still dark out, and he could tell it was very early in the morning. He guessed it was probably several hours before feeding time. With a deep breath he moved her hair from her face gently; it was still damp from her shower. He let his thumb graze her shoulder softly.

“Erin?” he whispered. She stirred only slightly before settling back in with a soft sigh. “Erin, wake up,” he said again, giving her a gentle shake. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him sleepily.

“What time is it?” she asked, sitting up slowly and stretching. She’d changed into a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants. He’d never imagined someone could look so pretty in an outfit like that. He glanced at his watch.

“It’s three. You should go up to bed… and I should go home. I need to get up in three hours.” She nodded and stood up with a yawn. They walked up the hallway, with Erin in the lead. She went up the first stair and then turned to look at him.

“Jay?” she said. He looked at her with a sleepy smile.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for everything tonight. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you listened to all of it, and then stayed afterwards. I don’t have too many friends that would do that… hell, I don’t have any friends that would do that.”

“Then they’re not very good friends,” he said with a wink. Before he knew it she had bent down and was giving him a hug. He drew in a deep breath as her hair swirled around them. He slid his arms around her waist carefully, hugging her back for a brief instant before stepping away. “Get some sleep,” he ordered, waving her up the stairs. She grinned.

“You too. Sleep in this morning… nobody will care if you feed at seven thirty,” she said over her shoulder as she jogged up the stairs. He laughed and let himself out of the house. He made it to the front steps before he had to sit down for a moment. He rubbed his hands over his face roughly, wondering what the hell he thought he was doing. With a sigh he got up and walked back to his own apartment, trying to forget what it had felt like to wake up with her curled up beside him.

Michael Brewster walked up the aisle in his barn the next afternoon, looking into Punch’s stall and scowling.

“Mr. Brewster, I wasn’t expecting you back for about a week,” Jay said when he saw the older man.

“Have you seen Erin?” he demanded. Jay nodded slowly.

“Yeah. I saw her when she got back. She hasn’t been down here yet today though,” he replied. He set down the bale of hay he’d been carrying and took off his work gloves, tossing them down on top of the bale. Michael shook his head in frustration.

“Did she tell you that she just up and walked out of this whole series of shows? She’s blown her whole spring season now.” Jay opened his mouth to speak, but in the end thought better of it.

“Could you please talk to me about this instead of the people who work for you?” a new voice demanded. Both men turned, surprised to see Erin standing in the doorway to the office. She was looking at her father with serious eyes.

“What the hell were you thinking Erin?” he demanded as he walked into the office. The door closed behind them and Jay tried to busy himself. He could hear Erin and her father arguing, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. It went on for nearly twenty minutes before Michael stormed past him. He could hear a car door slam, and then he could hear it pulling away. He turned and looked back toward the office. Erin was standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall with her left shoulder. She smiled a little.

“It could’ve been worse,” she said with a shrug, pushing off the wall and walking up the aisle. He raised an eyebrow.

“It could’ve been worse?” he repeated. She plopped down on the bale of hay he’d left sitting in the aisle.

“Yeah. He’s not happy with me, but at least now he knows I’m not happy with him.” Jay sat down next to her.

“What did you say?” he asked. She shrugged.

“I told him that I was taking a break. He was furious and wanted to know why I was throwing all of our hard work out the window. I told him that it was my hard work and I was tired of doing it.”

“Did you tell him why?” She glanced at him and shook her head slowly.

“I figured he’d had enough of a kick in the pants for one week,” she said, turning to look up the aisle. She let out a shaky breath and hung her head for a moment. Jay leaned closer, nudging her.

“He’ll calm down about it,” he assured her. She gave a little laugh and nudged him back.

“I’m glad you’re so certain about that.” They sat there for another moment in silence.

“So what’re you going to do with your break?” he inquired. Her smile got bigger and she stood up.

“I’m going to take pictures of anything and everything… and see if I can sell some. I’m going to ride leisurely and badly if I want. I’m going to just relax… I haven’t been able to just breathe in what seems like forever.” He watched as she drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Sounds like a plan,” he said with a smile.

Jay rode Elliot around a large outdoor ring at an extended trot almost two weeks later. It was fairly late in the evening, so he had the large overhead lights on to illuminate the area. They came across the ring and changed direction, bending around the corner as they went. He eased Elliot to a walk and let out a content sigh.

“You’re better than I remember,” a voice said. Jay looked toward the fence and smiled at his boss.

“Thank you Mr. Brewster,” he said, giving Elliot a pat.

“You’ve gotten back in the swing of things pretty quickly.” Jay gave a shrug and smiled a little.

“It’s been good having a nice horse to ride. This time of night or early in the morning none of the rings are being used, so it’s a good time to get some riding in.” He let Elliot move around on a loose rein to cool down.

“I haven’t ever really focused on the dressage ring. I have a couple of riders that can hold their own, but only one that has really emphasized it in her training.”

“That’s too bad. A solid dressage basis helps out in the three day event,” Jay said. Mr. Brewster nodded slowly.

“That’s true. How are you with the jumping and cross-country portions of eventing?” Jay shrugged, easing Elliot to a stop and dismounting. He ran his stirrups up and loosened the girth a notch before leading the big horse across the permaflex footing and to the gate.

“I can hold my own I suppose. I haven’t done any of that since I started back up in the saddle… I did it in college because that was what was expected of me, and before that because I needed to be good at it to ride in school. I could probably pick it back up if I needed to.”

“How would you like to have a reason?” Michael asked, looking at him evenly. They had reached the barn, and Jay stopped to look at him.

“Sir?” he asked uncertainly.

“I just thought you’d like to try your hand in the ring again.” Jay couldn’t stop his jaw from dropping. Mr. Brewster smiled a little at his reaction.

“Are you sure Mr. Brewster? I mean, that’s a huge deal… riding for you,” he stuttered.

“I’m pretty sure. You’re a talented rider, and I’m kind of looking for someone to take up where Erin left off. Without her I’m missing an eventer.” Jay glanced at the floor for a long moment before looking back up.

“Would it be OK with you if I thought about it for a day or two? I wasn’t expecting this at all and I want to be sure I’m making the right decision.”

“Take your time. I know that you won’t be able to really start showing until October. Your parole is up then isn’t it?”

“Yes sir.”

“Alright then. Take some time to consider it and let me know what you think.”

“I will. Thank you Mr. Brewster,” he said. The man nodded and walked back out into the twilight and up the path toward his house. Jay led Elliot into his stall and untacked him slowly. After a moment he shook his head slowly, stepping back to lean against the wall. “He wants me to ride for him?” he asked the quiet.

Erin was crouched in a field of tall grass, holding what looked to be a very expensive camera in her hands. She was taking photos of a mare and her foal. Jay approached quietly, stopping several feet from her and sitting down to watch. She turned around, smiling when she saw him sitting there, and lifted the camera again.

“Smile,” she ordered. Jay held up his hand, shaking his head at the same time.

“Keep focusing on the horses Erin, they’re way more photogenic,” he said. She lowered the camera slightly.

“Quit being a pain. Part of being a photographer is finding the photogenic parts of the most unphotogenic things.” He lowered his hand and looked at her, a wry expression on his face. She quickly snapped a photo.

“What exactly are you trying to say?” he demanded. She laughed and took another picture.

“Nothing! I’m just saying…” she trailed off with a grin. Her hair was falling over her shoulder in warm waves. She was wearing a white tank top and a pair of faded jeans with holes in the knees. Even though it was only the middle of June, she was already tanned. “Just pretend I’m not here,” she murmured. He shook his head slowly, but turned to watch the horses. It was surprisingly easy to forget she was there, as his mind wandered. He couldn’t believe that his boss had asked him to represent the farm. He couldn’t believe he was sitting in a field while this beautiful woman took his picture. He let out a sigh and raked his fingers through his hair. When he looked up he found Erin staring at him, her camera resting on her knee.

“What?” he asked. She shook her head and smiled softly.

“Nothing, you just looked… I don’t know. Surprised and terrified and kind of sad, all at once.”

“Just imagine how awful that’ll look on film,” he kidded. She turned her attention back to the horses.

“It’ll be interesting,” she murmured. She heard him stand up, and soon he was sitting down beside her.

“Your father asked me something strange last night.” She glanced at him between frames.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yup.” When he didn’t elaborate she put the camera down and sat next to him.

“What did he ask you?”

“He wants me to show Elliot… for the farm I guess.” A thoughtful look drifted across her face. She was silent for several minutes, brushing her hair back as she thought. Finally she nodded.

“That makes sense,” she said. Jay cocked his head to the side.

“You’re not upset?” he asked. She smiled and shook her head.

“Why would I be? Just because it’s not my dream doesn’t mean it’s not yours. This is kind of what you wanted right… before?” He let out the breath he’d been holding and smiled a little.

“Yeah, kind of,” he kidded. “It was all I thought about growing up… in fact, for awhile in college I really hoped to try out and get a chance to ride for your father. I was impressed by the work he was doing with training and breeding.”

“Then this is fantastic.” He nodded slowly, looking out across the fields.

“I was worried that you’d be upset or something…” he said, trailing off with a shake of his head. Erin put her hand on his arm and he looked at her.

“Why would I be upset Jay?” He shrugged.

“I don’t know. I mean… I know how hard it was for you to finally talk to your Dad about everything, or even part of it. I didn’t want you to feel like I was trying to take your spot.”

“I’ve been waiting for someone to do that for quite awhile,” she murmured. He put his hand over hers, where it still rested on his arm.

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing I came along then,” he said. She smiled.

“I guess so.”

Erin stood in her darkroom late that night, finishing up with the role of film she’d taken that morning in the field. Several that she’d taken of the horses had come out beautifully, just how she’d intended. She picked up another piece of photo paper that she’d just exposed and slid it into the developer face down. She sloshed it around for the appropriate amount of time and then picked it up with a pair of plastic tongs to put it in the stop bath. After two minutes passed she moved it to the third tray, this time laying it face up. Jay stared back at her, that wry expression on his face. She smiled to herself and moved the photo to the tank of plain water to rinse the photo. While that was sitting she went back to the exposure machine and moved on to the next negative. She set the timer for fifteen seconds and waited until the light clicked off to begin the developing process again. When she flipped the picture over in the third tray, she felt her breath catch. In the photo Jay was looking off into the distance, the surprised, terrified, sad look caught on his face. Behind him there was a horse galloping by. Erin picked it up and ran her fingers along his jaw line in the photo. She let out a breath and slid the photo into the water. When they were properly rinsed she hung them on the line that spanned the room like a clothesline. With a final look at the picture, she turned and walked out, trying not to think of the feeling that formed in the pit of her stomach when she looked at the photo of Jay.

It was a scorching hot day already, and it was only five thirty in the morning. Jay finished feeding and watering the horses and then swept up the aisle quickly. He had a training session scheduled for that morning, as he had almost every morning for the past month. Mr. Brewster was determined to get him in top form for showing that fall. He liked riding for Michael Brewster; the older man was intense but an extremely good instructor. Several of the other stable hands moved around, beginning to lead horses outside.

“Are you riding Elliot this morning Jay?” Tory asked, walking up to him and smiling. Jay nodded.

“Yeah, as far as I know. Mr. Brewster didn’t tell me any different last night during last check.” Tory nodded.

“I’ll have the guys leave him in then.”

“Thanks Tory,” Jay said with a grin. He led three horses outside before glancing at his watch and going back inside to get Elliot ready. He got the jumping saddle down from its rack and carried it to the stall, along with the matching bridle and martingale. They’d been working on jumping almost every morning, and he was left to work on dressage in the evening on his own time. In between training sessions he continued with his normal chores. Since he’d started training, though, he’d also received a raise to compensate him for the extra work he was taking on. He went into the stall and clipped the cross ties to Elliot’s halter and began grooming the big bay thoroughly.

“At it early again today?” Erin asked from the stall door. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled at her.

“Your father’s a slave driver,” he kidded. She laughed. He moved past her to pick up the saddle and bring it into the stall. “Are you riding this morning?” he asked, motioning to her black breeches and high boots.

“I’d thought of going out on the course this morning. It’s been awhile since I took Punch out there, and I know he loves it.”

“Other than the water jump,” he added. She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, other than that. Have you been out there since you guys started training?”

“Once. Your father said that he wanted me to focus more on the ring jumping for awhile.”

“You should ask him to let you ride out with me this morning. I’m sure Elliot is getting bored with constant ring fences and dressage. He’s used to a trip out there occasionally.” He nodded slowly, putting his chaps on and zipping them into place.

“I’ll see what he says. We can always work together tonight if he’s real determined to,” he said with a grin. Erin smiled, reaching up to quickly braid her wet hair. When she was done she let her hands fall to her sides with a sigh.

“I’ll check back with you before I ride out,” she said, walking toward Punch’s stall. He watched her for a moment before turning back to finish with Elliot. He glanced to the stall door just as Mr. Brewster walked by.

“Sir?” he called. The man stopped and turned, smiling.

“Almost ready?” Michael inquired.

“Actually Mr. Brewster, I was wondering if I could ride out to the cross-country course this morning. Erin offered to ride with me,” he explained. Mr. Brewster hooked his thumb around his belt and thought for a long moment.

“Sure, that’s fine. It’s about time you go out and do some work out there again. Be careful, and then give Elliot the rest of today off when you’re done. It’s a warm day and after a strenuous workout he won’t need to go again this afternoon.”

“Yes sir,” Jay said, going back into the stall to finish tacking up. When he finished he led Elliot out into the aisle, pausing when he saw Erin and Punch approaching. She was clipping her helmet into place. At some point she’d taken off her t-shirt to reveal a black, fitted riding tank top. Jay swallowed hard, turning to Elliot and busying himself with his tack.

“Are you coming with us?” she asked. He cleared his throat and clipped his helmet into place.

“Yeah, if you still want company,” he said, turning to her and pasting on a smile. She grinned.

“Fantastic! It’ll be nice to have company.” They led the horses out into the early morning sunshine, each stopping to look across the rolling green fields. Dew was still glistening, and a slight haze covered the ground as the air warmed faster than the earth. She looked at him and smiled. “Ready?” she asked as she swung into Punch’s saddle. Jay nodded.

“Ready,” he said. He put his foot in the stirrup and swung up. They rode out of the stable yard at an easy working trot, talking as they went. They soon reached the beginning of the course and pulled up.

“I should probably pace you… you did it for me last time I was out,” Erin offered. He shook his head.

“You don’t have to do that. It was your idea to come out and ride… you should get to take the course.”

“Don’t worry about it Jay. You go and take it and I’ll let you know how you look. You can get me back next time,” she promised with a wink. He smiled, letting out a sigh.

“It’s not like you’re going to let me win this argument are you?” he muttered.

“No way. Get going, I’ll be watching.” He gave her a moment to canter ahead, and then he urged Elliot into a ground-eating canter. He could see the first jump looming ahead, and he forced himself to focus on it, rather than the fact that Erin was watching and critiquing him. They soared over the fence and moved on. They completed the seventeen fences, and at the finish he eased the horse to a walk. Erin rode up moments later, a big smile spread across her pretty face.

“What’s the verdict?” he asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

“You looked fantastic. All the ring work with Dad is really paying off… Elliot looked gorgeous.” He smiled.

“Thanks.” They rode up the trail in silence for a moment. The temperature was rising swiftly, and dark clouds were looming. “Was it supposed to rain today?” he murmured.

“I don’t know… I didn’t really pay attention to the weather when I planned the ride,” she said with a sheepish grin. He smiled too, and in the distance they could hear thunder.

“How far is it back to the farm from here?”

“About three miles total… we’ll be fine. A little rain never hurt anyone.” It seemed that the words had barely left her lips before they felt the first raindrops. “Does Elliot have any more get up and go?” she asked. He nodded.

“I sure hope so,” he said. They each broke into a canter, but hadn’t made it far before the sky opened up. Erin laughed and eased Punch to a walk. “What’re you doing?” he asked, tightening his hold on the reins as Elliot danced to the side at a thunderclap.

“The footing is going to be too slippery to canter all the way back. We’re going to be soaked no matter what… better safe than sorry.” He nodded, grimacing as they plodded along in the downpour. “I love the rain,” Erin said suddenly. He gave her a disbelieving look.

“You love this?” he demanded. She nodded, turning her face up to the sky for a brief moment. They were both soaked to the skin by that point.

“Yup. It’s not the best situation for the tack… but I love riding in the rain.” He shook his head. “What?”

“You’re just strange. I don’t know too many people who’d choose riding during a thunderstorm. The horses aren’t big fans of the idea.” Both animals were prancing along uneasily, not liking the flashes of lightning or the loud cracks of thunder. She gave a shrug.

“They get over it pretty quickly. I used to do this all the time… especially right after Eric died. Dad was too distracted to notice that I’d just disappear for hours on end, in the middle of storms. It helped to be alone, just letting the rain wash all that away.”

“I guess you need to do whatever you can to get through times like that.” She nodded slowly, opened her mouth to say something, and then shut it again. “What?” She shook her head and gave him a hesitant look.

“I was just wondering…”

“How I got through four years in prison?” he finished for her. She let out a little laugh and nodded.

“Yeah. That’s a stupid question I guess,” she muttered. Jay shook his head.

“No, it’s not stupid.” They could see the farm ahead, and the rain was finally letting up. “Let’s take care of the horses and if there’s nothing for me to do around the barn I’ll try to explain it to you.”

“OK,” she agreed. They dismounted when they reached the front of the barn and then led their horses inside.

“Erin, your father said he had to run into the city and take care of some business… might stay in his apartment there tonight,” Tory said when he saw them walk in. “You guys got wet,” he tossed in.

“Really?” Jay kidded, leading Elliot into his stall.

“Boss told me to give you the rest of the day off Jay. He said you’ve been working too hard lately.”

“Alright. Thanks Tory.” He took his time tending to Elliot and then put the tack away. Erin was just finishing up with her gear too.

“So you have the afternoon off,” she said. Her hair was hanging down her back in tangled, wet waves. She had put her t-shirt back on.

“Yup. I guess your Dad finally took pity on me,” he kidded. They walked out into the humid air and she grimaced.

“It’s about time. It’s going to be miserable the rest of the day,” she observed. Jay nodded his agreement and pushed his damp hair back from his forehead.

“Seems like it. We might get some more rain,” he offered, a small consolation. They paused at the place in the path where he turned to go to his place.

“Are you going to tell me the rest from before?” she asked. He nodded slowly.

“Yeah. Give me a little while to take a shower.”

“You want to come over and hang out? I’ve got some new pictures I can show you,” she offered.

“That sounds great. It’ll break up the monotony of my life,” he said with a laugh. She smiled too.

“Twenty minutes?” she said as she started to walk away.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” He walked quickly to his apartment and let himself inside. As he peeled his clothes off and stepped under the hot water of the shower, he wondered when it had become so comfortable between them. It was almost as if there had never been a time they hadn’t been friends.

Erin opened her front door and grinned at him. He could tell that she’d taken a shower too; her hair was still wavy and wet, but the tangles were gone. She had changed into a pair of mesh shorts and a t-shirt.

“Feel better?” she asked, stepping aside so he could come in. It wasn’t the first time he’d been back at her house since the night they’d fallen asleep watching a movie. She had shown him some of her new photography work, and they’d spent several nights sitting on her porch talking.

“Yeah. Much more refreshed,” he said with a grin. He kicked off his sneakers by the front door and followed her down the hall. He plopped down on the couch and leaned back against the cushions, closing his eyes.

“Want a drink?”

“Nah, I’m ok,” he assured her. He felt her sit down on the other end of the couch, but neither one said anything for awhile.

“It’s not what you’d think it’s like,” he said, letting his mind drift back in time. “I mean… I guess it is in a lot of ways, but in a lot of other ways it’s not. Prison I mean.” She nodded, but it didn’t matter; he wasn’t looking at her. “Going in there, you can’t imagine how terrifying it is. Getting processed in, it’s just like they show you on those stupid movies. It’s just as humiliating and degrading. You leave that feeling just how they want you too… inhuman. And then they put you in with all the rest of the guys that are there, for all the reasons they’re there. My first cellmate had committed aggravated assault, robbery, and also had a pending sexual assault. He was an asshole,” he said softly.

“I guess he’d have to be,” Erin said softly.

“He also saved my life,” Jay said, looking at her finally. Ghosts that she knew she’d never fully understand haunted his eyes. “He could tell that I was scared, and I don’t know why, but something in him took pity on that. He told me, that first night, that if I wanted to make it through the whole thing unscathed, I’d start something with him the next morning outside.”

“He wanted you to fight him?” she demanded.

“I told him he was crazy… he was a big guy, and I knew right off that I stood no chance beating him. But he told me if I knew what was good for me, I’d do what he said.” He was silent for a moment and then said, “So I did.”

“God, what happened?” she breathed.

“I started talking a big game to him… telling him he was a fucking loser. You know, stupid stuff a scared nineteen-year-old kid would say to a convicted felon that had told him to do so. He shoved me and told me I better fuck off. So I hit him. We fought for a few minutes, and I know he wouldn’t admit it, but he let me get a couple good shots in. Everyone saw it.”

“He let you do that so…” she trailed off and he nodded.

“I think so everyone would leave me alone. I was a skinny kid, and he knew some of the other guys would have a field day breaking me in to prison life. That guy was an asshole, but he’s the only reason I came out of prison as well adjusted as I did.” They fell into a long silence.

“Was it easy after that?” she asked finally, and when he looked at her he was surprised. She didn’t look scared, just interested and concerned. She had turned so that she was facing him, sitting Indian-style on the couch. Her cheek was resting against the back of the couch.

“No, not easy. It was lonely. It was scary, even after I’d been there for a while. You never knew what someone else was going to do. There were some pretty screwed up guys in there. But you fell into the routine and got used to how the days went. You found things that could keep you busy, and ways to make the days go by more quickly. I read a lot in prison. I thought about my family and wished they’d come and see me, or answer my letters… and then when they didn’t I just wrote letters I never sent. Sometimes I’d write back to myself, pretending it was them.” She smiled a little.

“I guess you do whatever you can to get through times like that,” she said, echoing his earlier statement. He nodded slowly, leaning back against the couch cushions with a sigh. Erin reached out and gave his hand a squeeze. “It’s good you got through it.”

“Yeah… there was a better time after all.” She glanced to the window and smiled when she saw the rain coming down again.

“Come on!” she said with a grin, pulling him to his feet.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Outside.” He gave her a skeptical look.

“Erin, it’s pouring out again. We just got dry,” he said. She rolled her eyes.

“I bet you’ve never gone puddle jumping,” she said.

“Puddle jumping?” he murmured. She pointed to his shoes, one hand on her hip.

“Come on, let’s go.” He sighed but slipped his shoes back on. She was already out the door, walking across the porch. She turned to face him, holding her hands out to the side like wings as the rain beat down on her. He smiled in spite of himself and they jogged out into the yard. She grabbed his hand, running to the first puddle she saw and jumping in the middle of it. Water sprayed up around them and he sputtered.

“What are you doing?” he demanded. She laughed.

“Puddle jumping. Come on, try it. It’s fun,” she said. He raised an eyebrow, but soon was following her around the yard. Soon they were soaked, muddy, and laughing. Jay jumped into a puddle and more mud flew up than water. Erin glared at him, looking down at her filthy shirt and legs. “Hey!” she exclaimed. She leaned down and picked up a handful of mud, and he shook his head.

“Don’t you dare,” he warned. She laughed, launching the mud at him. He twisted to the side to avoid it, but it clipped his hip. “You’re in for it now.” The mud flew freely then, each tossing handfuls at the other until they were covered in it. After several minutes Jay picked up a large handful and advanced on her. She still had a large handful of her own, so when he smeared his on her head, face and neck she did the same with hers. They were both still laughing, but his died on his lips as he felt her hand on his waist. She was looking up at him, still smiling, as she took another step toward him. Almost before he knew it she was kissing him. Her hand rested flat on his waist, and he could feel her pressing lightly against his chest. Rain was still pouring down around them. With a shudder he brought his hands to her shoulders and pushed her away. He took several rapid steps backward.

“Jay, it’s ok,” she began. He shook his head, swallowing hard.

“No. I have to go,” he muttered, starting to walk past her. She grabbed his hand, moving to stand in front of him.

“Don’t just walk away. It’s fine. I wanted…”

“Erin, I have to go,” he said again, pulling away and jogging through the rain toward his apartment. Erin stood there, watching long after he’d disappeared. After a moment she sank to a sitting position on her porch stairs. She drew in a deep breath and rested her forehead on the heels of her hands.

“Damnit,” she murmured.

For nearly three weeks Jay threw himself into his work, being sure to avoid Erin at all costs. He went to his appointments with Ethan, kept the barn as clean as it had ever been, and rode twice a day. One evening Mr. Brewster came into the arena as Elliot moved around the arena. Jay was sitting to the trot, looking extremely focused on the task at hand. All the weeks of hard work had more than paid off; the young man looked perfect in the saddle.

“You’re ready for a show,” Michael called. Jay glanced to the rail and eased Elliot to a walk. They went to the wall where his boss was standing.

“I don’t know about that,” he murmured.

“I do. We should enter you in something locally, just to get your feet wet. There’s a nice dressage show coming up, not too big, and I think you’d place well.” Jay hesitated, glancing down at his hands.

“If you think I’m ready then let’s do it,” he said finally. Mr. Brewster smiled broadly.

“Great.” They fell into a silence as Jay moved around the ring at an easy walk. He was done with this exercise session, but didn’t have much else to do so he thought staying in the saddle might not be a bad idea. “You’ve been working hard lately,” Michael observed. Jay gave a half-hearted shrug.

“Lots to do to be ready for showing… not to mention all the other chores. I just want to stay on top of things.” There was another silence as Michael thought of how to phrase his next thoughts. Jay had dismounted and was leading Elliot toward the gate.

“I haven’t seen you and Erin hanging out much in the past few weeks,” he said slowly, testing the topic out carefully. Jay didn’t look at him as he walked out and turned to slide the gate closed.

“I’ve been pretty busy Sir,” he replied, just as carefully. Mr. Brewster let out a sigh.

“I don’t want to interfere with anything Jay, but it seemed like you two were friends for a couple months. Now it seems like that’s changed. Erin doesn’t have many friends. That’s my fault partially; you know about all that’s happened between us since you got here. I’m just worried that something happened here that I should be concerned about.” Jay looked up at him, and his blue eyes were troubled.

“Nothing happened, and I’m making sure it stays that way,” he promised, moving past him. Understanding softened the older man’s face as he watched Jay walk toward the main aisle in the barn with his shoulders hunched. He followed behind silently, pausing at the stall door to watch as Jay unsaddled Elliot.

“Jay?” he asked.

“Yes sir?”

“When I said before that I wanted to know if there was something I should be concerned about… that wasn’t what I meant,” he said, turning to walk away. Jay stared after him, wondering if his boss had really understood what he’d meant. With a sigh he finished taking care of Elliot and then made his way up to his apartment. It was already dark out, and he wondered to himself how long he’d been riding. The nighttime air was cool, and crickets chirped in the fields. With a sigh he stopped at one of the fences, leaning against it and thinking about what his boss had said.

“Long time no see,” a voice said, and he didn’t have to turn to know that it was Erin. He swallowed hard, but forced himself to continue looking out across the field.

“Hey,” he muttered. He heard her sigh, but rather than walking away she stepped to his side. She leaned her right shoulder against the fence, looking at him seriously.

“So are you going to ignore me forever?” she demanded. Jay stole a glance at her out of the corner of his eye and was surprised at how angry she looked.

“I’m not ignoring you,” he replied, still not turning to face her.

“You’re full of crap,” she said. “I know you said you were bad at the whole friendship thing, so I’m going to clue you in Jay: this isn’t how friends treat one another.” She started to walk away, so she didn’t see him turn toward her.

“Oh really?” he shot back. She turned back around, arms crossed over her chest defiantly.

“Yes, really,” she replied, tilting her chin up a fraction of an inch. Jay crossed his arms over his chest as well.

“Well I didn’t think friends put each other in a position like you put me in,” he said. Erin frowned, pushing her hair behind her ears.

“What position?” she demanded angrily. Jay shook his head, turning back toward the fence. She stepped toward him again and put her hand on his arm firmly. “Do you mean kissing you?” she asked. He wouldn’t look at her. “It’s a real simple thing… either you have a problem with me kissing you, with trying to move our friendship past that, or you don’t. But I’m not going to stand her and apologize for kissing you.”

“Well maybe you should!” he exclaimed, shaking her hand from his arm and starting to walk away.

“What for? I mean how exactly would that conversation go? Would I say, ‘Jay I’m sorry that hanging out with you for the past five months and getting to know you had me feeling deeply for you’? Or would I say ‘I’m really sorry that I’ve been thinking about kissing you for a long time and finally just took a chance that you might be thinking the same thing’? I mean, what would you have me say to apologize?” When he didn’t say anything she shook her head. He had turned to look at her, but that was it. “You know what? Forget it. I can take a hint,” she muttered. Jay sighed softly taking a step after her.

“Erin, wait a second,” he said, a note of defeat in his voice. She didn’t turn toward him, but she stopped her retreat. He moved to her side and put his hands on her shoulders, turning her toward him. “I just don’t know what to do,” he said softly. She shook her head slowly, her hair falling over his shoulders and covering his hands.

“You’re complicating it,” she said firmly.

“No. I’m not.” She could see in his eyes that he wasn’t going to argue that point, not just then. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“OK. So what do we do?” He released her shoulders, glancing into the darkness before looking back at her and smiling a little.

“Is it possible to just not argue about this… and not be awkward about this, and just be how we were before?” he asked. When she didn’t answer he added, “I’ve really missed you Erin.” She bit her bottom lip and let out another small sigh.

“Me too.” He could see in her eyes that she was sad, or disappointed. He couldn’t tell which.

“This is just all I can do right now,” he murmured. She nodded slowly, forcing a smile.

“Don’t worry about it. I need to get up to the house… tomorrow I need to meet with a gallery owner and discuss a possible showing of some of my work.” A big smile lit his face.

“Really? That’s great Erin,” he said. She grinned too.

“I know. I’m very excited about it.” They were silent for another minute more. “So yeah… I’m going to head up bed. Are you riding tomorrow afternoon?” she asked.

“Yeah, unless something crazy happens.” She smiled.

“Maybe I’ll come down and watch,” she said.

“I’d like that,” he replied. As she started to walk away she reached out and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Goodnight Jay,” she said.

“Night Erin.”

Jay rode around a large outdoor ring the next evening, guiding Elliot around a sprawling jump course that his boss had set up. It was nearly dinnertime, and recent rain had cooled the air enough to warrant a second jumping session for the day.

“Come around and get fence number six again!” Michael called. Jay gave a curt nod and moved back around to the large vertical plank that they’d clipped on the first time over it. This time they cleared it easily, and moved on to the next in the course. Mr. Brewster was nodding as the landed after the last jump. “That looked good,” he said when they rode up. Jay smiled.

“Thanks Mr. Brewster,” he replied.

“Why don’t we call it a day? You looked very nice today,” Michael said sincerely. Jay smiled, dropping his stirrups and moving around the ring at a relaxed walk.

“Would you mind if we took tomorrow morning off sir? I need to run into town and get a couple of things,” Jay said.

“That’d be fine. We’ll work tomorrow evening.” The older man walked from the ring, pausing to say hello to his daughter. Jay wasn’t sure when she’d arrived, but he hoped she hadn’t been there long. He hated to think that she’d watched him riding. When Mr. Brewster left, Erin came into the ring. She was smiling broadly, wearing a knee length black skirt and a white tank top. Her hair was pulled back on the sides, but was tumbling down her back in auburn waves.

“You’re awfully dressed up for the barn,” Jay observed. She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“I’m not dressed up for the barn silly. I just got back from my meeting at that gallery,” she replied. Jay dismounted and ran his stirrups up, leading Elliot toward her.

“So what’d they say?” he asked.

“They want to do a showing of my work! They thought it was fantastic, and really want to put it out there to some potential buyers,” she said excitedly. Jay grinned and gave her a one-armed hug.

“That’s fantastic Erin. I told you how good you were, didn’t I?” he said. She shrugged.

“I guess it was just nice to hear someone… professional saying that. I knew that I took decent pictures; I just have been waiting for someone to look at them and see art for a long time.”

“So when is the showing?” They walked into the main aisle of the barn and to Elliot’s stall.

“In December… she wants me to get a little bit more of a body of work to one part of the exhibit, and she thinks that will give me enough time to do so.” Jay nodded as he finished grooming Elliot.

“What photos are you using?” He noticed her brief hesitation.

“Umm… you haven’t seen them yet. Well, you’ve seen parts of it, but not all of it anyway.” He gave her a curious look.

“Hiding them from me?” he kidded. He was surprised when she blushed.

“Kind of,” she said honestly. She had followed him into the tack room, but stood in the doorway. Jay looked at her for a long moment, a smile on his face.

“Wow… well now I have to see them.” Erin shook her head, turning and leaving the room ahead of him.

“No way. It’s not done yet.”

“Since when does that matter?” he demanded.

“Since now. This is my first photography showing in a gallery… I want you to be surprised.” He paused to consider this.

“If you say so. I plan to be the first one through the doors at this show, just so you’re aware. So I’ll be the first one to see it,” he warned. Erin laughed as they walked out into the twilight.

“That’s fine. I might show you before the show, when it’s finished.” They walked along in silence for a few minutes.

“Did you tell your dad?” he inquired. She shook her head slowly.

“No. It would’ve just ruined how excited I am right now; he’s still hoping that I’ll come to my senses and start riding again. This wouldn’t be good news for him.”

“He’ll come around,” Jay assured her. She didn’t say anything so he said, “We should go out and celebrate. If your Dad isn’t going to take you out, leave it to me.” She looked at him for a moment.

“Are you sure? You’re probably exhausted from working all day.” He grinned.

“Just lemme’ take a shower and then we’ll go. You can pick wherever you want,” he promised.

“Alright. Stop by my place when you’re done.” He nodded and jogged toward his apartment. Erin let out a breath and walked slowly back to the house. She went inside and upstairs, opening the door to her workrooms. She’d begun to mat and frame several of her newest pieces. She couldn’t remember when the idea had come to her, and she knew the project wouldn’t be complete until at least October. She also knew that it was turning into something truly beautiful. She paused to look down at a picture she’d taken, a silhouette, of a rider and horse moving around the arena at the extended trot. She picked that one up to reveal a stunning photo; Jay and Elliot were moving through the water jump on the cross-country course, and a slight smile was on his handsome face. There were at least ten more pictures of him, doing various things on the farm. She hadn’t decided on a name for the series yet, but was leaning toward Aspirations.

They went to a restaurant that Jay had never been to before that served wonderful Italian food. Erin told him every detail of her meeting with the gallery owner, smiling throughout. As they finished their desert Jay glanced at his watch.

“Have a hot date waiting for you?” she kidded. He smiled and shook his head.

“Nah, of course not. I was just thinking… maybe we could hit a movie after this. A couple of good ones have come out recently.”

“Sounds like fun,” she replied. A waiter dropped off their check, and Jay snatched it up before she had a chance. “You don’t have to pay for all of that,” she said, frowning slightly.

“Honestly Erin. What kind of friend would I be if I took you out to celebrate a momentous occasion and then let you pay for your own dinner?” he demanded. She let out an exasperated sigh.

“Fine. I’m paying for the movie though.”

“If you say so,” he said, but it was clear that he didn’t agree. He took his wallet out of his pocket and put his debit card into the little plastic carrier the check sat in. She watched him as he glanced over his shoulder for the waiter. He’d changed into a pair of khaki pants and a blue and white striped button up shirt. The sleeves were rolled up, and she could see just how tan he was from working out in the sun all day every day. He turned and caught her watching him. “What?” he asked. The waiter stepped in and quickly took the check up to process the payment. Erin blushed a little.

“I’ve just never seen you in anything but jeans or breaches. It’s strange to see you dressed up.”

“Strange?” he repeated with a raised eyebrow. She sighed.

“Not strange in a bad way. Just different,” she explained. He nodded, glancing up as the waiter set his receipt down.

“Thanks,” he said. He went through and signed the copy he was supposed to, adding in a tip, and then looked at her. “Ready to go?” She nodded.

“Yup.” She stood up and they walked out of the restaurant. It was a beautiful night, warm but with a slight breeze. “Let’s walk to the theater. It’s not too far from here,” she said.

“Good idea.” They walked in silence for a little ways and then Jay glanced at her and asked, “So tell me about your new photos. They must be pretty good if you’re taking so much time to use them in the show.” She nodded slowly, looking at him quickly.

“I think they’re good… so does this gallery actually. I mean, they liked some of my other work and that will be included, but they were really impressed with the newer ones. They said it showed a new depth to my work.”

“What’re they of?”

“Lots of things,” she said carefully. He scowled and gave her a nudge.

“You’re being very secretive.” Erin laughed.

“Yes I am. You’ll find out soon enough what they’re of… I promise that I’ll show you before the actual exhibit at the gallery.”

“I feel pretty special then,” he murmured.

“As you should,”