Fadedwords

Living

“Mrs. Potter, why don’t you explain your daughter’s symptoms to me?” a doctor was saying.  He was shining a light into seven year old Brin Potter’s eyes at the same time.

“At first I thought it was the flu, but it’s lasted an awfully long time.”

“I think we’ll keep her here for some tests, at least over night.  Maybe then I can figure out what’s wrong.”

“Alright.”

Two weeks late Mrs. Potter sat in Brin’s hospital room.  The doctor had asked to speak with her.

“I have some difficult questions to ask you Mrs. Potter.”

“Ask them if they’ll help you find out what’s wrong with Brin.”

“Has your daughter ever had a blood transfusion?” Mrs. Potter nodded slowly and gave Brin’s little hand a squeeze.

“Yes.  She was in a car accident when she was four and she needed a transfusion.” The doctor sighed softly.

“I have some bad new for you ma’am.”

“What is it?  What’s wrong?”

“Brin has HIV Mrs. Potter.” Brin looked back and forth between the doctor and her mother.

“Mommy, is that bad?” she whispered.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *   *  *

Brin walked up the stairs in her high school carrying a duffle bag full of softball gear.

“Brin!” a voice called.  Brin turned, her blonde pony-tail flipping over her shoulder.  She smiled at her best friend, Heidi Sullivan.

“Hey!  Where’s all your softball stuff?  Coach said you were going to start today.”

“It’s already up on the sidewalk by the bus.  What’re you doing?  You’re going to be late.”

“I forgot my medicine in my other bag.  I’d rather miss the bus than miss my meds.” Heidi smiled.

“Understandable.  Do you want me to go tell Coach you’re coming?”

“Yeah.  Thanks Heid!”

“Anytime Brin.”

After the softball game that night, Brin sat in her room doing homework.

“Brin, may I come in?” her mother asked while knocking on the partially open door.

“Sure Mom.” Mrs. Potter came in and sat down on the edge of her daughter’s bed.

“How was your game?”

“I pitched a no-hitter and had two RBI’s.”

“Great.  I was talking to my boss today and I mentioned that you liked horseback riding.  He said that he had a farm and he’s looking for summer help.” Brin looked up from her homework and raised an eyebrow.

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I am.  He said that one of his stable hands quit and he’s desperate for help.”

“I guess I could do it.”

“Well, if you don’t want to I’ll tell him.” Brin smiled.

“I want to do it Mom.  Does he know about the HIV?”

“Yes.”

“And he doesn’t have a problem with it?”

“No.”

“What about his other employees?”

“He thought you should be able to decide who to tell and who not to.”

“Tell him I’ll do it.”

“Good.” Mrs. Potter stood up.  “How’re you feeling honey?”

“I’m feeling great.”

“OK.  Goodnight sweetheart.”

“Night Mom.”

Brin looked around in awe as her mother drove up the driveway of her boss’s farm the following weekend.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was so huge?” she demanded.

“I didn’t know.”

“Look at all the horses.  I’ve never seen so many horses in one place.”

“Your riding teacher had quite a few.” Brin looked at her mother and laughed.

“She had fifteen horses Mom.”

“That’s quite a lot.” Brin rolled her eyes.

“Whatever you say.” They pulled to a stop in front of the barn and both got out of the car.

“JoAnne!” a voice greeted.  Mrs. Potter turned and smiled.

“Mr. Davis, hello,” she replied.  The man stopped in front of them and smiled at Brin.

“This must be your daughter,” he said.  Brin held out her hand and he shook it.

“I’m Brin.  It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Steven Davis.  It’s very casual around here, so call me Steven.”

“OK.”

“My son should be here any minute.  I asked him to take you on a ride around the farm.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” Brin said.

“You know how to ride don’t you?”

“Of course I do . . . I took lessons for almost nine years.”

“Good.” He glanced over his shoulder at the sound of approaching hoof beats.  “Here comes Nicholas now.” Brin looked in the direction Mr. Davis was looking and gasped.  A young man was riding toward them on a big Appaloosa leading a tall bay warmblood.  “Nick, this is Brin.  Brin, I’d like you to meet my son Nick.” She smiled up at him.

“Nice to meet you.” He flashed a grin and handed her a helmet.

“Nice to meet you too.  This is Diggery.  I didn’t know how much riding you’ve done, so I picked a kind of easy horse.” Brin clipped the helmet on and swung into Diggery’s saddle.

“That’s alright.  Next time I’ll get to pick my own horse.” She looked at her mother.  “I’ll see you later Mom.”

“Do you have everything?”

“I will as soon as you hand me my backpack.” Mrs. Potter handed Brin her backpack and watched as she slung it over her shoulders.  “Thanks Ma.”

“Be carefully sweetheart.  I’ll be back around five.”

“OK.  I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Brin and Nicholas trotted down a path in silence.

“I’m sorry you had to take me out on a Saturday,” she said suddenly.  Nicholas smiled.

“It isn’t a problem.  If I wasn’t out here with you, I’d be cleaning stalls.” Brin laughed.

“So I’m saving you from manual labor?” He nodded.

“Yes.  How long did you take riding lessons for?” Brin pulled Diggery to a walk.

“Almost nine years.”

“You’re good.”

“Thanks.  I haven’t ridden in a long time.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to tell.  You ride very well.” She smiled.

“It’s really nice out here.  Are there a lot of trails?”

“Yeah . . . miles and miles.  We have a nice cross-country course too.”

“Great.  How many horses do you have?”

“About forty right now.  We’ll sell about fifteen in the fall.”

“Wow.  Does your father teach lessons?”

“He use to.  Now he’s hired someone to do it because he’s so busy.  Sometimes I do it.”

“That’s really cool.  How many students ride here?” He shrugged.

“About thirty I guess.  A lot of people ride off and on so it’s not a regular thing.”

“Oh.” Suddenly Brin’s watch began to beep.  She frowned and slipped her backpack off her shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing . . . I just have to take my medicine.”

“Are you sick?” Brin hesitated, for the first time ever.

“Ummm . . . I’ve got allergies to pollen,” she lied.  She took out her pills and water bottle.  Nicholas looked at her with a frown on his face.

“You must have some serious allergies,” he said, observing the size and quantity of the pills.  She forced a smile.

“Yeah.  I’m just lucky I can still be around horses.” She swallowed three pills at a time until they were all gone.  Nicholas glanced at his watch.

“We should get back.  Dad’s going to show you the feed schedule and I think I was volunteered to give you a tour of the barns.”

“OK.” They both turned their horses and started back toward the farm.

Brin sat outside on her back deck that night, staring out at the darkness.

“Sweetie, it’s getting kind of late don’t you think?” Mrs. Potter asked.  Brin glanced over her shoulder and sighed.

“I’m fine Mom.”

“You sound a little down in the dumps.  Did something happen at Mr. Davis’s today?” Brin shook her head slowly.

“Not really.  I guess I’m just feeling bad about something I did.” Mrs. Potter sat down next to her.

“What did you do?”

“I lied about having HIV.  MY alarm went off and I took out the pills.  Nicholas asked me if I was sick and I told him I had allergies.”

“Why didn’t you tell him the truth?”

“I don’t know.  I just wasn’t comfortable telling him.”

“Then you don’t need to feel bad about it.  When you’re more comfortable with Nicholas you’ll tell him.” Brin smiled.

“Thanks Mom, you’re the greatest.”

“I know.  Why don’t you head up to bed?” Brin rolled her eyes and stood up.

“Is there a rule someplace that says HIV patients need to be in bed before ten thirty?” she demanded.

“Absolutely.  Goodnight Brin.”

“Night Mom.”

Heidi and Brin sat in the middle of the practice field together, stretching out before running.

“So how was that farm you went to on Saturday.” Heidi asked.

“Pretty good.  Mr. Davis is really nice and so is his son Nicholas.”

“How old is this son?”

“Our age . . . maybe a little bit older.” Heidi grinned.

“Is he cute?” Brin nodded.

“Yeah.  He’s got dark hair and big brown eyes.”

“Is he tall?”

“About average.  He’s got a smile and a body to die for.”

“Did you two get along alright?” Brin shrugged and stood up.

“I guess.  He took me out on a trail ride and he showed me around the barns.”

“I sense a little romance.” Brin sighed and shook her head.

“He doesn’t know that I’m HIV positive.  I couldn’t tell him.”

“That’s only because you hardly know him.  You’ll be able to eventually.”

“I don’t think so.  He was there when I took my pills, and I lied . . . I’ve never told an outright lie about it.” Heidi stood too and pulled her shoulder length black hair into a pony-tail.

“Whatever you decide to do is up to you.  I can understand why you wouldn’t want to tell a complete stranger . . . especially a cute complete stranger.”

“It was weird being with him because he didn’t know . . . he treated me like I was normal.” Heidi sighed.

“You are normal, Brin.  I hate it when you get upset like this over guys.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like to have feelings for someone and not be able to do anything about them.”

“You could though!  You’re not going to give a guy HIV by holding his hand.  You won’t even give it to a guy by kissing him.  It’s really unlikely for you to pass it on by having sex too.” Brin smiled.

“I’m supposed to be the one educating you,” she muttered.

“I’m just trying to convince you that you could date any guy you wanted.  You talk yourself out of it.” Brin gave Heidi a quick hug.

“What would I do without you?”

“You’d become a nun.” Brin started to run.

“I’d have to believe in God to become a nun!” she called back.  Heidi rolled her eyes and jogged after her.

The following Saturday Brin stood in the tack room looking for saddle soap.

“Nicholas, there isn’t any more!” she called, turning and starting from the room.  He came around the corner and they slammed into one another.  He smiled down at her.

“I’ll bet you there is.” She raised an eyebrow.

“What’re we betting?”

“If there’s more, you have to fill the water tubs down back.”

“What if there isn’t?”

“Then you can feel satisfied that you were right.” Brin laughed.

“I don’t think that’s a fair trade.”

“OK.  If you’re right I’ll take you out on the cross-country course later.”

“Really?”

“Yup.  Don’t get too excited because I know there’s more.” She held her hand out and motioned around the room.

“Go ahead and look,” she said.  Nicholas walked into the room and Brin followed.  After several minutes of searching he found a big bottle of saddle soap.

“I told you so,” he said, handing her the bottle.

“Where did you find that?”

“In my tack box.  You’d better start walking . . . the water troughs down back were getting pretty low.” She smacked his shoulder.

“You cheated!”

“No I didn’t.  I told you there was more and there was.”

“How was I supposed to know there was some in you tack box?  I couldn’t look in there, it was locked.” He grinned and raked his fingers through his hair.

“I think you’re being a sore loser Brin.” She sighed.

“Fine.  I’ll be back soon,” she muttered.  Nicholas smiled.

“Have fun!” he called.

Brin stood watching the last water tub fill with cold water.  It was very warm that day.  She was wearing a pair of GAP jeans that had holes in the knees and a gray tank top.  The horses in the pasture crowded around the tub and she smiled.

“You guys better appreciate this,” she muttered.  Suddenly the sound of hoof beats was heard, approaching at a canter.  Brin turned and smiled when she saw Nicholas riding toward her.  He pulled up near by and smiled down at her.

“How’s it going?” he asked her.  She gave a shrug.

“OK.  I’m almost done,” she replied.

“Good job.” She rolled her eyes.

“It doesn’t exactly take a rocket scientist.”

“You look warm.” She glanced down at herself.  Her tank top was sticking to her chest and sweat stains were visible in the center of her chest and back.

“Well it’s kind of hot out today and I had to walk all the way down here because somebody cheated.” He laughed and watched as she turned off the hose.

“I’ll admit it, I was a little sneaky.” She raised an eyebrow.

“A little?”

“OK, OK, I was very sneaky.” She nodded.

“Yes, you were.” She started to walk back up the path that eventually led to the barn.

“Hey, wait up!” he called, turning his mount and following her.

“What now?”

“I came down to give you a lift back.” She put her hands on her hips.

“You expect me to let you make up for your horrible behavior?”

“I kind of hoped you would.” She smiled and waited for him.  When he caught up he held out his hand.  “Give me your hand.” She did as he said, and gasped as he pulled her up behind him on his horse’s back.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” she said, putting her arms around his lean waist.  He grinned.

“Good.” She poked him in the side.

“You’d better be nice,” she warned.  He chuckled and urged the horse into a canter.

“What’ll you do if I’m not?” he demanded.  She poked his side again.

“That.” He smiled and continued toward the barn.

Brin sat out on the top rail of one of the fences waiting for her mother that night.  The sun was starting to set and she watched the horses meander around the field.

“What’re you still doing here?” a voice asked.  Brin turned and smiled down at Nicholas.

“My mother is late.” He leaned on the fence and looked up at her.

“You could come up to the house and have dinner with us,” he offered.

“Thanks, but she should be here soon.” He nodded and nudged her foot.  Brin gave a little squeal as she lost her balance and fell backwards.  Nicholas caught her and smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry.” She grinned.

“It’s OK.  At least you caught me.” He set her on the ground.

“I don’t know how I managed . . . you weigh a ton.” Brin reached out to grab him, but he moved away.  “Oh, too slow,” he teased.  Brin lunged for him and caught his elbow.  He pulled out of her grasp with a laugh, but was surprised when her arms came around his waist.  He managed to get one of his arms around her waist.

“Hey!  You’re not supposed to do that!” she exclaimed as he lifted her off the ground and somehow managed to throw her over his shoulder.  “Put me down!”

“Make me!” he shot back, spinning around in circles.  Brin screamed and clung to the back of his shirt and the waistband of his jeans so she wouldn’t fall.  The sudden ‘honk’ of a car horn made Nicholas stop.  Mrs. Potter had pulled up and was staring at them with a raised eyebrow.  He put her down with a smile.  “I’ll see you tomorrow morning Brin.” She glared at him and pulled her hair out of its ponytail.

“I don’t know how, but I’ll pay you back for all that.” He nodded and watched her walk to the car.

“Whatever you say!” he called.  She turned and walked backwards for a moment.

“You’ll see,” she warned.  She got into the car and smiled at her mother.  “Hey Mom.” Mrs. Potter put the car into reverse.

“What was that all about?” she asked.  Brin’s blue eyes clouded over.

“We were just fooling around.”

“You could’ve been hurt.”

“You’re worrying over nothing.  I’m careful about things Mother.”

“It didn’t look like you were being too careful just now.  Does he know that you have HIV yet?”

“No, and that’s alright for now.  I can fool around and have fun with a guy without worrying every two seconds.”

“I just think you’re being very irresponsible.”

“And I think you’re being unfair!  I have every right to have fun.  This is my life.”

“I have every right to be concerned!” Mrs. Potter shot back.

“Of course you do, but you’re not concerned about my safety here.  You’re worried that I’ll get involved with someone.  That’s what this is really all about, isn’t it?”

“What if it is?  It’s not smart for you to get attached . . . to get your hopes up.”

“Why?  There’s no law saying that a person with HIV can’t be in a relationship!”

“Do you really want to pass this disease on to someone else?” Brin frowned.

“I can’t believe you just asked me that,” she said, turning and looking out the window.  “I’m the one who has HIV here, not you.” Mrs. Potter looked shocked.

“I know that.  I just want you to be careful.”

“I am careful . . . I’m the most careful person I know.  I can’t sit around my whole life waiting to die.  I can have relationships, all the doctors have said I can.”

“Brin, I don’t think . . .” Brin cut her off angrily.

“Don’t you dare tell me how unwise that would be!  I can make my own decisions.”

“Fine.  Do whatever you want.”

“Fine.”

School ended the following week and Brin started working at the farm every day.  She and Nicholas spent a lot of time together, working side by side.

“Hey Brin?” he called one morning.  She poked her head out of the stall she was cleaning.

“Yeah?”

“You’re not busy are you?”

“Not really.  Why?”

“I need some help.”

“Doing what?”

“I’m supposed to be teaching a lesson in the jumping ring and I’m also suppose to be teaching a lesson in the flat ring.”

“It would appear that you have a problem.”

“Exactly.  Could you teach the lesson in the flat ring?” She gave an exasperated sigh.

“Oh, I suppose so.  You always need someone to bail you out of trouble.  Nicholas frowned.

“Is that so?” he muttered, taking a step toward her.  She laughed.

“Absolutely.” He reached out and tickled her side.

“You’d better be nice to me,” he warned.

“What for?”

“Because I was going to take you on a cross-country ride later on.  If you’re not nice to me I won’t take you.” She grinned.

“I’ll teach the lesson.  Just tell me what you’ve been doing with the rider.” He smiled and began to fill her in.

Brin and Nicholas finished the cross-country course and rode at a leisurely walk back toward the farm.

“You did pretty well,” he commented.  She glanced at him and frowned.

“Pretty well?  That’s all you can say?” she demanded.  He laughed.

“You were fabulous . . . USET material.”

“That’s better.” Suddenly a squirrel scampered out from the bushes.  Brin’s horse reared and jumped sideways, sending her flying.  Nicholas dismounted and hurried toward her.

“Are you OK?” he demanded.  She nodded slowly.

“I think so.” She glanced down and frowned at the bloody scrape on her arm.  “Damnit,” she muttered.

“That doesn’t look too bad.  I think I have a first aid kit in my backpack.” He took his pack off his shoulders and opened it.

“Do you have one?” He nodded and crouched down beside her.  When he reached for her arm she pulled out away.

“What’s wrong?”

“You’re not wearing plastic gloves. It’s unsanitary to deal with cuts with bare hands.” He looked at her for a minute.

“OK.” He put on the pair of rubber gloves that was in the first aid kit. “Now, let me see that arm” She held out her arm and watched as he took out a small bottle of rubbing alcohol.  He grabbed a cotton ball, but she shook her head.

“Just dump the bottle on it.” He looked at her in disbelief.

“Are you sure?  That’s going to sting an awful lot.”

“I’m sure.” He did as she said.  Brin sucked in a deep breath and bit her bottom lip.  Nicholas blew on it to relieve some of the sting.  When he was done cleaning the cut he bandaged her up and gave a smile.

“You’re set to go,” he said.  She smiled.

“Do you have a plastic baggie to put the gloves in?” He nodded and did as she said.  When he was done, he helped her to her feet.

“Do you need a leg up?” She glared at him.

“I’m not an invalid,” she replied, starting toward her horse.  He grabbed her hand and she turned.  “What?” He looked at her for a moment before pulling her closer and kissing her.  Brin pushed him away and turned back toward her horse.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.  She shook her head quickly.

“Nothing.  I . . . I just want to get back to the farm.” She swung into the saddle.

“Are you upset because I kissed you?  If you are . . .”

“I’m not,” she said quickly.  “Don’t apologize.” He looked up at her, frowning.

“OK.  Let’s get back then.” He mounted and they cantered off.

Nicholas sat at the dinner table that night with his father.

“Something wrong Son?” Mr. Davis asked. Nicholas shrugged.

“Not really.”

“You’ve been awfully quiet since you took Brin out to the course today.”

“I’m fine.”

“Whatever you say.” They were silent for several minutes.

“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Brin fell off riding today.”

“She seemed OK when you came back today.”

“She was.  I . . . it was just strange.  She made me wear rubber gloves to clean up a cut she had.”

“Maybe she didn’t want to get any dirt in it.  She was probably just being cautious.”

“Yeah, probably.  The whole thing was weird though.”

“What do you mean, ‘whole thing’?” Nicholas hesitated.

“Well, I kissed her and she pushed me away like she was scared or something.  I know she likes me as much as I like her, but she acted like she was afraid.” Mr. Davis frowned.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about Brin, Nick.  She’s got a lot on her mind.”

“Like what?”

“You should ask her.”

“Come on Dad, just tell me.” Mr. Davis stood and carried his plate to the sink.

“That’s something that you’d have to ask Brin about.” Nicholas sighed and watched as his father left the room.

Brin sat in Heidi’s bedroom several nights later.

“Hey, are you feeling OK?” Heidi asked her.  Brin forced a smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I think I’m coming down with a cold.” Heidi’s eyes darkened with concern.

“Have you been to the doctor’s?” Brin sighed and shook her head.

“There’s nothing to worry about.  I just have the sniffles . . . it could even be allergies.”

“You should go to the doctor and get checked out.  You’ve been working really hard lately. You’re probably worn out.”

“You sound like my mother.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  She loves you a lot and she worries.”

“She worries to much.  She has nothing to worry about. Did I tell you how she flipped out two weeks ago because she saw Nicholas and I horsing around?”

“No.  Maybe she’s got the right to worry about that . . . she doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

“As I said, she has absolutely nothing to worry about.”

“What do you mean?”

“He kissed me the other day but . . .” Heidi cut her off.

“I knew it!  Was it great?  Did you . . .”

“Heidi, shut up for a second!  I pushed him away.”

“Why?”

“Because he doesn’t know that I’m HIV positive yet . . . because I was scared.”

“You need to tell him, especially if he has strong feelings for you.”

“I know.  I’m not sure how to tell him because I like him a lot too.”

“You’d better figure it out Brin.  You of all people should know how precious and short life is.  You lost your father and,” Brin cut her off.

“Shut up about my father.  You don’t know anything about what I lost.”

“Yes I do!  He died in that car accident and you almost did.  Then, just when everybody thought it was OK, you found out about the HIV.” Brin sighed softly.  “I know how hard you’ve had it, but if you hesitate you’ll never have time to feel anything for anyone.  You need to tell him.”

“What if he decides he can’t get involved with me?”

“Then he’s crazy.  If he cares about you at all, he won’t care about the HIV.” Brin nodded.

“You’re probably right.”

“I know I’m right.” Brin threw her arms around Heidi.

“Thanks Heid.”

Two days later Brin and Nicholas were rushing to bring horses in.  It had started to storm.

“Where did this weather come from?” Brin called, wiping rainwater from her face.  Nicholas led a horse into the barn and smiled at her.

“Out of nowhere,” he replied.  Brin gave a cough.  “Are you OK?” She coughed again.

“I’m fine,” she said.  Nicholas looked at her for another moment.

“OK.  I think all of the horses are in.  Why don’t you come up to the house with me?  I’ll lend you some dry clothes.” She seemed to hesitate.

“Umm . . . I’ll be OK like this.”

“Come on, you can’t run around soaking wet with that cough of yours.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am.  Let’s go.” He took her hand and led her to the house.

Mr. Davis answered the ringing phone late that night.

“Hello?” he muttered.

“Mr. Davis, this is JoAnne Potter.”

“What’s the matter JoAnne?”

“Brin is in the hospital.  She has pneumonia.”

“Oh my God.  Is she going to be alright?”

“The doctors aren’t sure yet.  I just wanted to let you know she won’t be at work for awhile.”

“Of course.  Is there anything I can do?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Why don’t you take a couple days off so you can be with her?”

“Thank you Mr. Davis.”

“Anytime JoAnne.”

“I’d better get back to Brin.”

“I hope she’ll be OK.”

“Me too.  Good-bye.”

“Bye.” Mr. Davis hung up the phone and sighed softly.  “What do I tell Nick?” he muttered.

Nicholas went down to the barn the next morning and was surprised to find his father feeding the horses.

“Hey Dad, what’re you doing?” he asked.  Mr. Davis smiled.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he replied.  Nicholas sighed.

“OK . . . why are you feeding the horses?”

“Brin won’t be around today.”

“What a bum.  I can’t believe she took the day off.”

“Nick, she won’t be around for awhile.”

“What’s the matter with her?”

“She has pneumonia and she’s in the hospital.”

“For pneumonia?  I’ve had that and never had to go to the hospital.” Mr. Davis sighed.

“I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this . . . I thought Brin should be the one,” he muttered.

“Tell me what?” Mr. Davis motioned to a bale of hay.

“Have a seat son.” Nicholas sat down and his father sat beside him.  “Brin’s pneumonia is very serious because she has HIV.” Nicholas stared at his father in disbelief.

“What?  How did she get that?”

“From what her mother tells me, she had to have a blood transfusion when she was little and the blood was tainted.  They found out she was sick when she was seven.”

“Wow.”

“Wow is right.  She’s had a tough time of it so I promised not to tell anyone that she was sick.  I promised to let her tell everyone when she was comfortable.”

“I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.” Mr. David put a hand on Nicholas’s shoulder.

“She was probably afraid that you wouldn’t want to be around her anymore Nick.  She’s a sweet girl that probably doesn’t want to get hurt.”

“Do the people at her school know?”

“Yes.  She’s had to fight several battles there.”

“What do you mean?”

“There were people who didn’t want her going to the school, there were people who didn’t want her on athletic teams . . . it’s a cruel world Nick.  You’ve never really seen just how cruel.”

“How could people treat her so badly?  She didn’t do anything wrong.” Mr. Davis smiled sadly.

“No, she didn’t.  People are ignorant.  I hope you won’t treat her like many others have.”

“Come on Dad, you know me better than that.”

“I’m not saying you’d do it on purpose Nicholas, but inadvertently you might.”

“How?”

“Are you going to pursue your feelings for her now that you know that she’s HIV positive?” Nicholas stood and raked his fingers through his hair.

“That’s a stupid question Dad.”

“Why is it stupid?”

“First of all, Brin made it pretty clear the other day that she didn’t want a relationship with me.”

“No, she made it clear that she didn’t want to start something with you unless you knew about the situation.  You told me yourself that she likes you as much as you like her.”

“Yeah.”

“Whatever you do, don’t stop being her friend.”

“Of course not Dad.”

“OK then.  I’ve got some work to do.  Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?”

“Thanks.”

Nicholas walked down the hall of the AIDS unit in the hospital late that afternoon.  He saw Mrs. Potter sitting outside a room, talking to a girl with black hair.

“Mrs. Potter?” he asked.  She looked toward him and smiled wearily.

“Oh, hello Nicholas.  It was so nice of you to come,” she said.

“It’s my pleasure.  How’s Brin doing?”

“A little better.  She’s still got a high fever that’s making her delirious. According to the doctor she should be fine in a couple weeks.”

“That’s great.  Can I go in and see her?  I brought her some flowers.”

“Sure.  Be quiet though.  She was resting soundly when I left her.”

“OK.” He walked into Brin’s room quietly and looked around.  There were several machines surrounding Brin, each of them making different noises.  Nicholas walked toward her slowly and put the flowers down on the table beside the bed.  She was sound asleep, her hair damp from her fever.  “Hey Brin, I just came to make sure you were alright,” he whispered, taking her hand in his own.  It was hot to the touch and he frowned with concern.

“The doctor thinks the fever will break soon,” a voice said.  Nicholas glanced over his shoulder and saw the girl that had been sitting with Brin’s mother.  She was looking at him with serious and curious eyes.

“That’s good, right?” She smiled and walked to the other side of the bed.

“It’s really good.  You’re Nicholas Davis, aren’t you?” He nodded.

“Yeah.  How’d you know that?” She looked at Brin’s sleeping face.

“I’m Brin’s best friend, Heidi Sullivan.  She’s told me about you.”

“Uh-oh,” he muttered.  She watched as he stroked the back of Brin’s hand with his thumb.

“She described you very accurately, but she underestimated you.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was afraid to tell you she’s sick because she thought you’d head for the hills.  Obviously she was wrong.”

“Obviously.” Heidi smiled.

“I think you’re the only guy our age except for Seth that’s ever come to see her while she was in the hospital.”

“Who’s Seth?” Heidi’s smile faded a little.

“Seth is dying of AIDS.  He and Brin are very close.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Yes, it is.  He’s lived a long time though. He got pneumonia a couple weeks ago, but already had the actual AIDS virus and other complications.”

“Brin can’t die because of her pneumonia, can she?”

“Not this time.” She placed a kiss on Brin’s forehead and started to leave the room.  “It was great to finally meet you Nicholas.  I’ll be sure to tell Brin you came . . . it’ll make her year.” He nodded and watched her leave.  With a sigh he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“That’s some friend you’ve got there gorgeous,” he muttered.

Brin opened her eyes slowly and looked from side to side.

“Mom?” she whispered, and then coughed.

“She went to get some coffee,” a voice replied.  It was Heidi.  Brin smiled and opened her mouth to speak.  “Don’t try to talk yet dummy.  You aren’t ready for that yet.  Here, drink some water.” Heidi supported the back of Brin’s head and held the Styrofoam cup so she could drink.

“Thanks,” Brin whispered.

“Anytime hon. How do you feel?” Brin shrugged.

“My throat is sore.  I’m tired.”

“You should be.  You’ve been in and out of it for a week.”

“Wow.”

“You scared us this time Brin.”

“You sound like Mom.”

“That’s because I love you.”

“I know.  Have you been here a lot?”

“You could say that.  Your Mom and I took turns.  She stayed some nights, I stayed some and Nicholas Davis stayed some.  We took shifts.”

“Nicholas was here?” Brin demanded.  Heidi nodded.

“Yup.  All the time.  He’s been really fabulous.”

“His father must have told him.  Is he upset?”

“He’s been really worried about you, Brin.  Don’t start getting upset about this.  You need to concentrate on getting well.”

“I know.  Is he coming back anytime soon?”

“Most likely.  He’s been hard to get rid of.”

“Wow.” Heidi smiled.

“He’s really nice.  He likes you and cares about you an awful lot.  I came in here some days and he was reading to you.” Brin smiled too.

“I told you he was nice.” Just then Mrs. Potter walked in.

“So, you finally decided you’d had enough sleep?” she asked with a smile.

“I guess so.”

“Heidi, could you leave us for a minute?”

“Sure thing Mrs. Potter.  I think I’ll go get a soda.” Brin watched as Heidi left.

“I know what you’re going to say, and I really don’t want to hear it right now.”

“Well you’re going to. You were very irresponsible Brin.  Heidi told me that you weren’t feeling well several days before you ended up in the hospital.  Why didn’t you tell me so we could get it taken care of?”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal . . . it just felt like a cold.”

“You know better than to let even a cold go on without telling me.”

“I didn’t think . . .” Mrs. Potter cut her off angrily.

“No, you didn’t think!  All you were thinking about was being ‘normal’ so Nicholas Davis wouldn’t get scared away.”

“Nicholas has nothing to do with this!  Anyway, he obviously wasn’t scared away.  According to Heidi he’s been here a lot.”

“That’s beside the point.  You should’ve told me you weren’t feeling well.  For God’s sake Brin, you could’ve died!” Brin sighed softly.

“I’m sorry.” Mrs. Potter smiled.

“I know.  I think Nicholas said he was coming back around dinner time.”

“Really?”

“Yes.  He’s a nice boy honey.”

“Yeah, he is.” They were silent for a moment.

“As long as you’re OK I’m going to go home and get some rest.”

“I’m fine.  I’ll see you later Mom.”

“Get some sleep.” She nodded and watched her mother leave.

Nicholas walked into Brin’s room at six-thirty that night. She was awake, which surprised him.

“Hey,” he greeted.  She smiled.

“Hi.”

“Nice to have you back.”

“It’s nice to be back.  How’re things at the farm?”

“Good.  Dad sends his regards.” Brin smiled.

“That’s sweet.” They were silent for a minute which seemed to last forever.

“How do you feel?”

“Probably better than I look,” she kidded.  He shook his head.

“You look great . . . better than you did when you were fever ridden and delirious.”

“Thanks a lot.” Another silence stretched out.  “You don’t have to stay,” she said suddenly.  He looked at her and smiled.

“I want to stay.  It’s nice talking to you and having you talk back.” She laughed.

“Thank-you for coming and spending so much time here.  It made things a lot easier on my Mom and Heidi.”

“I wanted to be here.”

“Why?” He smiled.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I like you a lot.  I was worried about you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I have HIV . . . I’m sorry you had to find out this way.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She took a deep breath and then coughed due to the tightening in her chest.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.  I was afraid you’d get scared and that you wouldn’t talk to me again.”

“I’m still talking to you.”

“I noticed.”

“Good.  When will they let you leave?” She shrugged.

“Whenever they’ve figured out a new medicine program that works for me, and when I’m completely better.”

“You’re going to need new medicine?”

“Yeah.  It obviously wasn’t working right.  If it had been I wouldn’t have gotten so sick.”

“Oh.  Isn’t it hard to keep changing your medicine?” She nodded.

“Yup.  It gets harder and harder to find groups that work together and don’t make me sick ”

“Wow.” They were quiet for a moment.  “You look tired.”

“You sound like my Mom.”

“What’s so bad about that?” She shook her head.

“Nothing.  I am a little tired.”

“I can leave so you can sleep.”

“You don’t have to go.”

“I probably should . . . just so you can get some rest.”

“Could you stay until I fall asleep?” she questioned.  Nicholas sat down on the edge of the bed and took her hand.

“Sure thing.”

Brin came home the following week.  The day after, she went back to work.  Nicholas was waiting with two horses when she arrived.

“What’re you doing?” she asked.

“Waiting for you.  Dad said we could go for a ride.” She smiled.

“That was nice of him.”

“He doesn’t want you over doing things today.” Brin smiled again and took the helmet he held out to her.

“He’s acting like Mom.” She swung into the saddle and watched as he mounted his horse.

“He’s concerned.” They rode out of the stable-yard at an easy sitting trot.

“I just don’t want him to start treating me like I’m breakable, because I’m not.”

“He knows that.” She sighed and began to post.

“I hope so, because I don’t want any special treatment.”

“No special treatment, huh?” he asked mischievously.  She glanced at him.

“Absolutely not.”

“Good.  I’ll race ya’ to the cross-country course.”

“Nick,” she began.

“On your mark, get set, go!” he exclaimed.  Brin watched as his horse took off.

“Come on girl, let’s go,” she muttered, urging her mount into a canter.  It took a minute, but they caught up to Nicholas and his horse.  He looked over and grinned.  Brin smiled too, then glanced back at him as they moved ahead.  She reached the course first and was patting her mount’s neck when Nicholas cantered up.

“I guess you don’t need any special treatment,” he said breathlessly.  She grinned.

“I told you so.” She dismounted and ran her stirrups up the leathers.

“What’re you doing?”

“Walking back.  She’s had enough of a work out for one day.” Nicholas dismounted too.

“You’re absolutely right.” They walked in silence for a long time.

“Nick?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to tell you again how much I appreciate what you did when I was sick.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” She stopped walking and looked at him seriously.

“Yes I do.  You didn’t have to do any of the stuff you did.  You should’ve hated me for not telling you about why I really took all those pills . . . but you didn’t.  Not many people stick with me, so I’m always very grateful to those people who do.” He smiled at her.

“I can’t imagine anyone being able to leave you once they knew you,” he said.  Brin frowned.

“You’d be surprised.” She clucked her tongue and said, “Come no girl, let’s go.” Nicholas watched her walk up the path and sighed.  With a shake of his head he followed her.

Brin was sitting on a bale of hay in the loft several evenings later.  The sun was just starting to set and she was trying to avoid Nicholas.  Her mother was coming late that night, so she had time to burn.  Suddenly she had the feeling that someone was watching her.  Nicholas was standing by the ladder looking at her seriously.

“You startled me,” she muttered, turning back to the sunset.  She heard him approach, and then glanced at him when he sat down next to her.  He was wearing a navy blue hooded sweatshirt and a pair of jeans to keep out the brisk night air.  Brin was wearing a T-shirt and jeans.  Her hair was hanging loose around her shoulders.

“Did I do something wrong, Brin?” he asked.  She glanced at him again.

“No.  Why?” she asked, looking away.  He gave a shrug and looked at her profile.

“That’s why.” She looked at him and was surprised at the look in his eyes; he looked confused and hurt.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been avoiding me for three days . . . I’m sure tomorrow will be day four.”

“I’m not avoiding you.” She looked away again.

“Yes you are.  You won’t talk to me and you won’t look at me… I’d like to know what I did wrong, if I did anything at all.”

“You didn’t do anything,” she said softly.  Nicholas put his hand on the side of her face and made her look at him.

“Then explain why you’re avoiding me, because I don’t get it.  I thought I was making it pretty clear that I liked you.”

“You are.” He raised an eyebrow.

“You’re not making any sense.”

“Yes I am, you just don’t get it.”

“Why don’t you help me out then?” he suggested.  She tried to look away, but he wouldn’t let her.  “Just talk to me Brin,” he said softly.  She frowned angrily.

“I don’t know how to talk to you!” she exclaimed, standing up and pacing in front of him.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know how to do anything when it comes to you!  I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you to trust me.” She plopped down on another bale of hay and sighed.  Nicholas got up and went to crouch in front of her.  “You’re making it harder than it is,” he murmured.  She looked at him with sad eyes.

“And you’re making it easier than it is.”

“There’s got to be a middle ground.” She shook her head slowly.

“I don’t think there is.” He framed her face with his hands.

“Well I do,” he said, pulling her closer and kissing her.  Brin pushed him away and stood quickly.  Nicholas lost his balance and toppled over.

“My Mom should be here.”

“Come on Brin, don’t leave!” he called as she climbed down the ladder.  Moments later he heard the loft door slam shut.  He sighed and slammed his fist down in the hay.  “Damn.”

Heidi sat Indian style on Brin’s bed that night.  She was frowning at her friend and shaking her head.

“I don’t understand what the problem is Brin,” she was saying.

“How can you not see a problem?”

“Very easily.  Nicholas likes you and you like him.  There’s no problem involved?”

“What do you call my being HIV positive?”

“I call it not a problem because Nicholas obviously doesn’t care about it.”

“He will the next time I cut myself.  He’ll care if we get involved because there are things we won’t be able to do.”

“Maybe he doesn’t care about that Brin!  Even if he does, you can do whatever you want as long as you use protection.” Brin sighed.

“It’s not that easy . . . nothing is that easy.”

“Nothing is as hard as you’d like it to be either!” Heidi exclaimed.  Brin frowned.

“We should just drop this, because if we don’t we’ll end up fighting.  I don’t want to fight with you.” Heidi sighed.

“Then let’s not talk about this again.” Brin smiled.

“Sounds good to me.” Heidi nodded and watched her pull on a pair of shorts.  With a sigh she went back to braiding her hair.

Brin called in sick for the next three days, saying she was still worn out from her bout with pneumonia.  In actuality she didn’t know how to face Nicholas.  Late one evening, the third night she’d skipped work, her mother called to her.

“Brin, I’m going out for a little while!” Brin sighed with relief.  Her mother had been hovering over her for the previous four days, and she was becoming very annoying.

“OK Mom!” Mrs. Potter stuck her head into the room.

“Will you be OK for a couple hours?” Brin nodded and smiled.

“I’ll be fine.  Go out and have a good time.”

“Alright.  You know my beeper number.  Page me if you need anything.”

“I will.  Bye Mom.” Mrs. Potter nodded and disappeared.  Soon after her mother’s car had pulled out of the driveway, the doorbell rang.  Brin glanced down at herself and sighed, hoping no one she knew was at the door.  She was wearing a pair of short, blue cotton shorts and a white tank top.  Her hair was in a disarrayed pile on top of her head.  With a shrug of her shoulders she jogged downstairs and opened the front door.  Her jaw dropped when she saw Nicholas on the front porch leaning on the railing.  She swallowed hard and put her hand on her forehead for a minute.  “What are you doing here?” she demanded.  He looked at her seriously.

“Could I come in for a minute?” he asked.  She shrugged, trying to act indifferent.

“Whatever.” She held the door open so he could come in.  Nicholas stepped in, and watched as she closed the door by leaning against it.  “So why are you here?” she repeated.

“I came to see if you were OK.”

“As you can see, I’m fine.”

“Then why haven’t you been at work?” She sighed.

“Your father hasn’t questioned my reasons, so I don’t think you’ve got a right to.”

“Don’t be like that.  I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

“I’m not fighting.”

“You’re getting awfully defensive Brin.”

“You’re here checking up on me and I don’t have the right to be defensive?”

“No, because I’m not ‘checking up’ on you.  I came to make sure you weren’t getting really sick again.”

“Now that you’ve seen that I’m not, you can leave.” He shook his head.

“No.  Not until you tell me why you run away every time something happens between us.”

“Nothing has happened between us.”

“You’re a liar.” She frowned.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.  You’re a liar.  Something has happened . . . things are still happening.  I think you’re scared of getting involved because you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“Really?  Then why do you run scared every time I kiss you or try to say something important to you?”

“Have you even considered the possibility that I’m not interested in you?”

“Nope, because that’s not the truth.  You feel the same way I do, you’re just scared.  You think I’ll hurt you.  I won’t.  I’m not scared of this.”

“How brave are you going to be when I die, Nicholas?” she demanded angrily, stalking into the living room.  He followed silently.

“Who says you’re going to die?” he asked softly.  She looked at him, tears running down her cheeks.

“All the statistics . . . all the research . . . all the doctors.  They can keep me alive for awhile, but not forever.”

“I’m not going to live forever either.” She sighed and shook her head.

“There you go, making things too easy again.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do.  I’m trying to make you understand that I like you a lot, despite the fact that you have HIV.  I know that’s going to be a huge factor in whatever relationship we have, but I want a relationship with you.”

“Why?  You’re only eighteen years old.  Why would you even consider it knowing what you know?” Nicholas placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Because you make me feel good.  When you started working at the farm I actually looked forward to going down there and cleaning stalls.” She raised an eyebrow.

“I make you want to clean stalls?” she demanded.  He grinned.

“You know what I mean Brin.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Just give it a chance.  Maybe I’m making it too easy, but maybe it won’t be as hard as you think.” Brin sighed softly and rested her head on his shoulder.

“I have no idea how to do any of this . . . most guys run screaming for the hills when they find out I have HIV.”

“I’m not most guys.”

“Obviously.” Nicholas pulled away slightly and made her look up at him.

“So what do you say?”

“About what?”

“Are you going to give this a chance or are you going to shoot me down?” She smiled.

“I should shoot you down, but . . .”

“But you’re not going to because you like me too much?” She looked up at him and smiled again.

“Something like that.” He looked at her for a minute before kissing her gently.  He put his hand on the side of her face and stepped closer.  After a minute she placed a hand on his chest and pushed him away.  He sighed softly and then smiled.

“This is going to be OK, Brin,” he promised.  She drew in a deep breath.

“I hope you know that it won’t be easy to make it OK.”

“I know, but I’m willing to try.” She smiled.

“OK.”

Brin was sitting outside in the sun cleaning tack two weeks later.  She was wearing a pair of tight jeans and a red tank top.  Her blonde hair was pulled back in a French braid, but it was beginning to fall down.  Suddenly someone slid their hands over her sun-warmed shoulders.  She tipped her head back and smiled at Nicholas.

“I thought you were out hiking with friends.” He planted a light kiss on her lips.

“I was.  Matt fell and sprained his ankle.”

“That’s horrible.  Is he going to be OK?” Nicholas nodded.

“Sure.  He’ll be on crutches for a week or two, but he’ll be fine.”

“That’s good.” He nodded and moved to sit in front of her.  “You’re right in my way Nicholas,” she muttered, trying to reach around him to get to the partially clean saddle.  Nicholas reached up and brushed a loose tendril of hair from her face.

“I know.” She smiled.

“What could I do to get you to move?” He grinned.

“You could give me a better kiss than that weak one you gave me before.”

“Weak?  You’re going to get it.”

“I’m counting on it,” he murmured as she put one hand on either side of his face and pulled him into a long kiss.  When she pulled away, Brin smiled.

“How was that?” He shrugged indifferently and stood up.

“It was OK.” She stood up and put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

“If that was just OK I won’t trouble myself again,” she shot back.  He smiled, grabbed her elbow, and pulled her toward his chest.

“It was more than OK.  I was kidding.” She kissed him again.

“I know.  Come on and help me bring this tack up to the barn.”

“If I must.”

“You must.” She took his hand and gave it a tug.

“I’ll help you only if you agree to something.”

“What?”

“Go camping with me the last two weeks in August.” She stopped walking and looked at him seriously.

“Camping for two weeks?”

“Yeah.  Will you go?” She sighed.

“I don’t know.  I’d have to check it with Mom.” He looked at her and frowned.

“Don’t you want to go?”

“Do you want the truth?”

“I always want the truth.”

“OK.  I won’t know how to act around you for two weeks if we’re alone.”

“I know.  If it gets too overwhelming we’ll come home.” She smiled.

“If you want to go, then so do I.”

“Good.”

Brin went through her dresser drawers the night before she and Nicholas were suppose to leave.  Heidi was sitting on Brin’s bed folding T-shirts.

“Are you getting excited?” she asked.  Brin shrugged and put several more pairs of socks on the bed.

“I don’t know.  It’s going to be weird, being alone with him for two whole weeks.”

“You’ll be fine.” Brin laughed.

“What exactly is ‘fine’?  I’ve heard a lot about it, but I haven’t actually experienced it.” Heidi sighed.

“Come on Brin, don’t get like that.  I’m just trying to reassure you.”

“I know, but it’s not that easy.  I don’t know how to act around him under normal circumstances.  How am I supposed to figure out how to act around him for two weeks alone?”

“You do it as you go.  Nicholas likes you and cares about you.” After a brief pause, Heidi continued, “I have a feeling I know what you’re so worried about.”

“What?” Heidi motioned for her to sit down.  Brin did it and looked at her expectantly.  “Well?”

“I think you’re nervous about what might happen physically between you and Nicholas.” Brin looked at Heidi in disbelief.

“Nothing physical can happen between Nicholas and I.  It’d be too dangerous, and I doubt he’d want to risk it.  I wouldn’t want to.”

“I think you would and that’s why you’re so upset.  You like him and you want to have a physical relationship, if not now then eventually.  He probably feels the same way.  You’re scared by those feelings and by the possibility that it’ll be scary or that he’ll reject it.” Brin sighed.

“How’d you get so damn smart?” she demanded.  Heidi grinned.

“Experience.”

“What if Nicholas wants to do . . . anything.” Heidi shrugged.

“You guys need to seriously talk about it before doing anything.  You need to make him understand the risks involved and also your feelings.”

“I wouldn’t want him to get HIV from me Heidi . . . I’d never be able to live with myself if that happened.”

“I know.  Just talk to him about it.  He obviously cares about you a lot.”

“Obviously.” They were silent for a long moment.  Brin stood up and went back to her dresser.  “Heidi?” she said suddenly.

“Yeah?” Brin looked over her shoulder and smiled.

“Thanks a lot.” Heidi grinned and folded another T-shirt.

“Anytime.”

Brin and Nicholas hiked back into camp late the next evening.  They had been walking all afternoon and were both exhausted.

“What should we have for dinner?” Nicholas asked.  Brin was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a glass of cold water.

“Food.  This is such a great cabin.”

“My Dad bought it when I was little.  He thought we needed a place to be together as a family.  Then Mom died and he never came here again.” Brin stared at him in disbelief.

“Your mother died?” she demanded.  Nicholas hopped onto the counter and sat looking at her.

“Yeah.  I thought you knew that.”

“No.  How did she die?” Nicholas sighed.

“She was sick for a long time.  After awhile the medicine stopped working and she died.

“Wow.  I’m sorry.” They were silent for a long time.  Suddenly the alarm on Brin’s watch started to beep.  He watched as she began popping pills into her mouth.

“Can I ask you something/” She glanced at him and nodded.

“Of course you can.” He took a deep breath.

“How did you get it?” She frowned and turned away from him.  “I’m sorry.  It’s none of my business.”

“It’s alright.  Not too many people ask.  I guess they don’t care or something like that.”

“I do.”

“OK.  Umm . . . my Dad and I were on our way home from a school event.  I was four and I was almost done with kindergarten.  It was raining really hard that afternoon and I guess the roads were slippery.  Some guy in a tractor trailer was going too fast and ran into us.  He hit Dad’s side and we rolled down an embankment.” She took a deep breath and flashed a wavering smile.  “It took awhile for anyone to come.  I was awake sometimes and not awake others.  The dashboard had me pinned to the seat . . . I was bleeding and I hurt everywhere.  The rescuers came, finally, and took me to the hospital.  When I got there they proceeded to ‘fix me’ by giving me a blood transfusion.  Three years later I started having flu-like symptoms.  They tested me for everything you can think of before the test for HIV came back positive.” Nicholas was looking at her with big eyes.

“So you’ve lived with this for almost eleven years?” She nodded.  “What about your Dad?” Brin felt tears come to her eyes and they started to fall before she could stop them

“Daddy died on impact.  There was nothing they could do for him.” He took a deep breath and slid off the counter.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he reached her side.  She looked up at him and shrugged.

“It’s not your fault.” He crouched down and looked up at her.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be sorry.  I can’t believe all that happened.”

“Me either.” Nicholas wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.  She sighed and slid her arms around his neck.  They sat that way for a long time.  When Nicholas pulled away and looked up at her, Brin smiled and brushed tears away.

“Thanks for the honesty,” he said.

“You said you always wanted the truth.”

“I do.”

“That was the biggest truth I’ve ever told.” Nicholas kissed her gently.

“Thank-you.  How about we find something to eat?” She nodded.

“That sounds like a great idea.” He smiled and stood.  Brin sighed softly and watched as he went to the cupboards to look for dinner.

Brin was relaxing on the dock several days later.  Nicholas was taking a nap… or so she thought.  The sun was bright that day so she was wearing her red bikini to work on her tan.  She suddenly heard a splash.  Brin sat up and looked around.

“Nicholas, are you there?” she called.  When she received no answer and saw no movement, Brin lay back down.  Almost as soon as she was back down, a gigantic wave of water engulfed her.  She screamed in surprise and sat up.  Nicholas was in the water, looking at her with big eyes.  She glared at him as he pulled himself onto the dock.  “That was completely uncalled for,” she admonished.  He was still looking at her.

“Ummm… yeah.” She frowned.

“Is something wrong?” He swallowed hard.

“Wrong?  No, nothing’s wrong,” he muttered.  She was sitting up, leaning on her elbows.  Droplets of water were rolling down her arms, chest, stomach, and legs.  Each drop seemed to catch the sun and sparkle.

“Then why are you looking at me like that?” Nicholas crawled toward her and sat down by her knees.

“I’m looking at you ‘like this’ because you’re absolutely beautiful and I wasn’t expecting to see you laying here in that . . .” he trailed off with a restless wave of his hand.

“Bathing suit?” she finished for him.  He raised an eyebrow.

“That’s a bathing suit?” he demanded.  Brin tossed her head back and laughed.

“What else would it be?” He shrugged his broad shoulders.

“I . . . I don’t know.  That’s a bathing suit, huh?” he muttered.

“So are you trying to tell me you like it or that you don’t?”

“Oh, I like it.  I was just surprised when I came up and that’s all you were wearing.” She looked at him and bit back another wave of laughter.  “So, you think this is funny?” he demanded.  She nodded and began to giggle.  Nicholas was up and on top of her, tickling her, before she knew what he was thinking.  She squealed and squirmed to get away.

“Nicholas, stop!” she exclaimed between giggles.  He was laughing too, until she slid her hands across his stomach and too his sides in an attempt to push him away.  Their eyes met for a moment as their laughter died.  Nicholas leaned down and kissed her gently.  Brin swallowed hard as he moved the kiss to the side of her neck. With a deep breath she slid her right hand up his bare back until she found the back of his head.  His hair was still wet from his swim.  He kissed across her chest, following the bikini’s cut, until he reached the other side of her neck.  Brin tilted her head slightly and bit her bottom lip when she felt his teeth close over her ear lobe.  His hand drifted across her bare stomach and she drew in a deep breath.  Nicholas slid down slowly until his mouth was moving over her stomach.  Brin swallowed hard and her hold on the back of his head tightened.

“You taste so good,” he murmured.  She let her eyes drift shut for a moment.

“I don’t think,” she began.  Nicholas cut her off.

“Good, you’re not suppose to be thinking,” he said, returning to kiss her on the lips again.  One of his hands was on her thigh and the other was on the side of her face.  Brin’s fingers trailed down his back and he groaned, “I want you so bad Brin.” That brought her to her senses.  Brin pushed him off and stood up.  He looked up at her with confused eyes.  “What’s wrong?” he demanded.  She shook her head and wrapped her towel around her waist.

“I just can’t do this,” she muttered, turning and jogging up to the cabin.  Nicholas sighed and flopped back onto the dock.

“Damn,” he whispered.

Brin was still locked in her room at dinner time.  Nicholas stood outside the door, leaning his forehead against it.

“Could you just say something so I’ll know you’re OK?” he called.  There was no answer.  “Listen Brin, I’m sorry.  I got out of control, but I want you to know that I didn’t bring you here for that.” When there was still no answer he sighed and said, “I’ll leave you a sandwich and something to drink by the door.” With another sigh he walked back into the kitchen.

Brin opened her bedroom door at almost two the next morning.  She was wearing her blue shorts and a T-shirt.  It had started to rain and she was going out to the porch to watch.  She hadn’t been able to sleep because she was thinking about what had happened between her and Nicholas.  After sitting on the porch for several minutes, Brin stood and walked back inside.  She stood in the doorway to Nicholas’s room for a long time.

“Are you going to stand there all night or are you going to come in and talk to me?” Nicholas asked suddenly.  She jumped and let out a breath.

“I didn’t think you were awake,” she said, stepping into the room.  She could see him reach for the lamp.  “Don’t.”

“OK.” She went and sat down on the end of his bed.

“I don’t even know where to begin this conversation,” she muttered.

“I do.  I’m sorry things got so out of control.  I obviously scared you, and I never meant to.”

“You didn’t scare me, and I don’t want you to say you’re sorry unless you really are.”

“I must be missing something.”

“Maybe.  I don’t want you to be sorry unless you regret it or . . . ” Nicholas cut her off.

“I don’t.”

“Oh.”

“Why don’t you tell me what happened down there that got you so upset?” he suggested.  She sighed.

“I’m not really sure.  Maybe I was scared of what was happening.  I’ve never done any of this before and it’s really overwhelming.  I didn’t know what you expected either.”

“I didn’t expect anything.  I didn’t expect to find you in that bikini, I didn’t expect to end up on top of you tickling you, and I sure as hell didn’t expect to end up kissing you and touching you . . . and having you kiss back.”

“Me either.”

“This is going to sound bad, but I’m going to ask.  Will you ever feel comfortable doing that?” She thought for a minute.

“I think that was part of the problem.  I was comfortable.”

“Why is that a problem?”

“Because I should be more careful!  I can’t be so . . . uninhibited, because it’s not safe.”

“You can’t give my HIV by just making out with me.”

“I know.  I didn’t know how far you expected things to go, and I didn’t know how far I wanted things to go . . . or if I’d want you to stop ever.”

“Even if it came to that, we could . . .” he trailed off.

“I know that too.  I just don’t want to risk getting you sick.  I didn’t know if you were scared by that.”

“Truthfully, it is a little scary, but I can get beyond it.  I know there are ways we can do it safely . . . if we make that decision.” They were silent for a long time.  “So, do you feel better about everything?” Brin nodded.

“Yeah.” She crawled to the head of the bed and curled up next to him.  “Can I stay here?” He wrapped his arms around her.

“Absolutely.” Brin slid her arm around his waist and yawned.

“Thanks,” she murmured, drifting off to sleep.  Nicholas smiled and let his eyes close.

Nicholas woke the next morning with his head resting on Brin’s chest.  Her arms were around him and she was still sound asleep.  He smiled and sat up a little so he could kiss her.  Brin gave a little sigh, but didn’t wake up.  Nicholas kissed her again, harder this time. One of her hands slid to the back of his head slowly, and she kissed him back.

“I was trying to sleep,” she murmured.  Nicholas smiled and looked down at her.

“My mistake.  I thought you were trying to wake up.” She rolled her eyes.

“I think that’s a little convenient, don’t you?” He watched as she stood and stretched.

“I thought it was lucky.” She glanced at him over her shoulder.

“Let’s go get some breakfast.  I’m starving.” He stood too.

“You should’ve eaten dinner last night.” She smiled.

“I ate the sandwich you made for me.”

“Was it OK?” She gave an indifferent shrug.

“It was alright,” she replied, walking from the room.  Nicholas stood there for a moment before starting after her.

“Hey!  That wasn’t very nice,” he called.  He could hear her laughter, and he smiled too.

Nicholas and Brin came home several days early.  They went to his house first.

“My Mom is going to think something is wrong because I’m home early.” They were sitting in his room, and she was watching him unpack.

“You’ll just have to tell her that nothing is.” She smiled.

“My mother will think there is no matter what I say.”

“You could hide out here until Friday.  I’m sure my father wouldn’t tell her.” She grinned.

“Really?” He nodded.

“Sure.  We’ve got a guest room you could stay in.”

“That would definitely make my life easier.” He plopped down next to her and gave her a kiss.

“Good.” She wrapped her arms around him and he moved a little closer.  They kissed for a long time.  Nicholas lay back, pulling her on top of him.  When he rolled over, Brin looked up at him seriously.

“Is this such a good idea?” she asked.  He nodded slowly.

“I think so.  There’s no harm in fooling around Brin.” She nodded.

“I know, but when we fool around we both want . . .” He cut her off with a kiss.

“Let’s not talk about what we both want right now.” She kissed him.

“OK.” They were still kissing when a knock on the door surprised them.

“Nick?” a voice asked.  Nicholas sat up on his forearms and looked over his shoulder.  Mr. Davis was standing in the doorway looking at them seriously.  Nicholas looked at Brin and then rolled off of her.

“So . . . we’re back,” he said lamely.  His father nodded slowly.

“I can see that.  Maybe you should ‘be back’ someplace else.” Nicholas stood and pulled her to her feet.

“Sure Dad.  We’ll be down at the barn doing chores.” They started out the door, but Mr. Davis put his hand on his son’s shoulder.

“Could I speak to you for a moment alone, Nicholas?” He glanced at Brin before nodding.

“Yeah.  I’ll meet you down at the barn,” he promised.  She nodded.

“OK.” When she was gone, Mr. Davis motioned to the bed.

“Have a seat son.” Nicholas sat down and looked up at his father.

“Go ahead,” he muttered.

“Go ahead and what?”

“Give me a lecture.  I know you must have something to say about it, so go ahead and get it over with.” Mr. Davis sighed.

“I’m not going to give you a lecture.  I like Brin a lot and I know you’re smart enough to be safe.  In the future though, I’d like it better if you locked the door or did whatever you were doing someplace else.

“Sure Dad.” He stood and started to leave again.

“Nicholas?”

“Yeah Dad?”

“Whatever you do, be careful.”

“I will be.”

School started the following Wednesday.  Brin had a field hockey game that evening.  When she jogged onto the field, Nicholas called her name from the stands.  She smiled and walked over.  He was holding a bottle of Gatorade.

“I brought you a present,” he said.  She took it from him and then kissed him.

“Thanks.  You read my mind.  Wish me luck today.” He nodded and kissed her again.  Some boys from the rival school were walking toward them.

“Hey buddy, do you know who you’re kissing?” one asked.  Nicholas looked at them and smiled.

“Yeah, my girlfriend.” The boys looked at each other and laughed.

“Your girlfriend?  Maybe somebody should’ve told you before now that she’s Miss HIV USA,” the other said.  Nicholas turned toward them with clenched fists.

“Listen guys, why don’t you turn around and walk away before I do something I’ll regret.”

“Looks like you already have man . . . you’re dating tainted goods.” Nicholas lunged at him and Brin screamed.  Adults, coaches, and officials raced toward the fighting boys.  Brin was crying.

“Nicholas stop it!” she yelled.  Heidi hurried over and wrapped her arms around her friend.

“It’s OK Brin,” she whispered.

Brin was sitting on the back deck late that night.  Mrs. Potter stepped outside and looked at her for a moment.

“Brin, Nicholas is here,” her mother said.

“I don’t want to see him,” she muttered.  Mrs. Potter sighed.

“I’ll send him out so you can tell him yourself.”

“Mom,” she began, but it was too late.  Her mother had already gone back into the house.  Moments later she heard Nicholas step out onto the deck.

“Brin I . . .” She cut him off.

“Save your breath.  I don’t want to talk to you now.” He walked toward her and sat down on the step above her.

“Too bad, because I’m not leaving.” She looked at him and gasped.  There were several stitches above his eye, and his hand was in a cast.  “It’s not as bad as it looks,” he assured her.

“Yes it is.  Your father told me that you’ve got broken ribs, a broken nose, a broken hand . . . all for nothing.”

“It’s not for nothing,” he said angrily.

“Yes it is!  You didn’t have to do what you did.”

“Yes I did.  I couldn’t let those guys stand there and say those things about you.  Damnit Brin, they had no right to say that stuff about you!”

“You’re right, they didn’t.  That doesn’t mean you can start a fight with them.  If you start a fight with every guy that says something mean to me or about me, you’ll be fighting every day we’re together.  People are mean when it comes to things they don’t understand.  You’ve got to learn to ignore them and walk away.” He sighed and shook his head.

“I don’t know if I can do that.” She stood up.

“You’ll have to learn if you want this relationship to work.  I can’t deal with fighting over me . . . I won’t.  It’s stupid and pointless.  I don’t ever want you hurt over me again.” Nicholas put his hand on her hip and sighed.

“OK.  I’m sorry.  I thought I was helping and I wasn’t.” She nodded.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, leaning down and kissing her.  When the kiss ended, she let her head rest on his shoulder.  Nicholas flinched as her arms slid around his waist.

“Sorry.”

“It’s OK.” She let her lips slide across the side of his neck before pulling away.

“You should get home and rest.  I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiled.

“OK.  Good-night Brin.”

“Night.”

Brin sat in Nicholas’s room the Friday before Christmas break.

“Are you sure you’re OK?” he asked.  She nodded slowly.

“Yeah.  I’m just worn out.” She was lying down with her head on his stomach.

“You’ve lost some weight too.” She looked up at him and smiled.

“I’ll be OK.  My medicine is starting to fail again.” He looked at her with concerned eyes.

“Have you talked to the doctor?”

“I’ve got an appointment after Christmas to check on my cell count.  I’ll be fine until then.” He brushed hair from her face.

“Are you sure Brin?  I mean, I don’t want . . .” She sat up and kissed him, effectively cutting him off.

“I’ll be fine.  This is no big deal, it happens all the time.” He smiled.

“OK.”

Nicholas jogged up the front steps to Brin’s house Christmas morning.  He rang the bell, but received no answer. Sirens were approaching, but he didn’t realize where they were heading until he saw the glare of red, flashing lights in the window.  He turned around just as the front door was pulled open.  Mrs. Potter rushed out, crying.

“Mrs. Potter?” Nicholas asked, watching as the paramedics rushed in.

“She’s upstairs, second door on the right,” she was saying.  They both followed.  When Nicholas walked into her room he felt his stomach clench.  Brin was laying on the bed being hooked up to an oxygen mask. Her eyes were closed and she was deathly pale.

“What happened?  What’s going on?” he demanded.  Mrs. Potter looked at him with a tear-streaked face.

“Go downstairs and call Heidi.  Her number is by the phone.  I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

“But . . .” She grabbed his shoulders and looked at him seriously.

“Just do as I say Damnit!  I’ll meet you at the hospital.” He nodded and watched as they wheeled Brin out of the room.  With a deep breath he jogged downstairs and picked up the phone.

Heidi and Nicholas sat together in the waiting room.  Mrs. Potter was still with the doctors, so they had no idea what was going on.

“I knew she should’ve gone to the doctor last week,” he muttered.  Heidi nodded and brushed tears away.

“She told me she’d be OK . . . that she had a doctor’s appointment after Christmas.  I thought she’d be alright.”

“Me too.” He looked up and saw Brin’s mother walking toward them.  They both stood up.

“What is it this time?” Heidi asked.  Mrs. Potter took a deep breath and sat down slowly.

“PCP . . . she’s got PCP,” she muttered.  Heidi shook her head.

“Oh my . . . no.” Nicholas watched as they hugged one another, sobbing.

“Wait a second.  What’s PCP?” Heidi looked at him, still crying.

“It’s Pneumocystic carinii pneumonia,” she muttered.

“I don’t understand.  She had pneumonia in July.  Why are you so upset?”

“PCP is one of the signs that HIV has progressed to AIDS,” she explained.  Nicholas sank into a chair and put his face in his hands.

“Oh no,” he whispered.

Brin was sleeping when Nicholas walked into her room the next morning.  There was a guy in a wheelchair beside the bed holding her hand.

“Oh, excuse me,” Nicholas said.  The guy turned and smiled.

“It’s OK.  I’ve stayed longer than I meant to.  You must be Nicholas.”

“Yeah.  Who are you?”

“I’m Seth.” Nicholas smiled.

“Heidi told me about you the last time Brin was in the hospital.”

“Heidi has been such a good friend to Brin . . . as I hear it so have you.”

“The same has been said for you.” Seth looked back to Brin.

“She’s been a good friend to me too.  The first time I saw her, I went up to her and said, ‘There you are.’ She asked if she knew me and I said, ‘Don’t you recognize me?  I’m your friend Seth.’  We’ve been friends ever since.” Nicholas sat down in the chair beside Seth.

“Can I ask you a question Seth?”

“Sure.”

“Is she going to die now?” Seth frowned.

“Die?  Just because she has AIDS doesn’t mean she’ll die.”

“But it increases her chances right?” Seth sighed and turned his chair toward Nicholas.

“This disease is completely unpredictable Nicholas.  She could live another seven years without even having symptoms . . . and then even longer after the first symptoms.”

“How long have you had full blown AIDS?” Seth smiled sadly.

“Three years, one with symptoms.”

“And you’re dying?” Seth nodded slowly.

“Yeah.  That doesn’t mean that she will though.”

“It’s funny… Brin and I agreed to always be honest with each other.  I’ve never told her that I’m scared though . . . I should do that.”

“Yes, you should.  I need to excuse myself Nicholas.  It’s time for my meds.  It was good to finally meet the guy who’s making Brin so happy.”

“It was nice to meet you too.” Nicholas watched as Seth turned and wheeled out.  With a sigh he looked at Brin and took her hand.  “I’m scared Brin,” he whispered.

Brin woke up two days later, worn out but doing a lot better.  Heidi and her mother were there.

“How long have I been here?” she demanded hoarsely.

“A couple days.  How do you feel honey?” Mrs. Potter asked.

“OK.  My chest hurts . . . I must have pneumonia again.” Heidi and Mrs. Potter looked at one another.

“You’ve got PCP Brin,” her mother explained.  Brin swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

“So it’s finally progressed?” They both nodded.

“Yes.”

“OK.  Have they changed my meds yet?”

“Yes.  If you feel nauseous or dizzy, that’s why.” They were silent for a long time.

“Where’s Nicholas?” Brin questioned.

“He went home to get some sleep . . . he was here all night,” Heidi said.  Brin smiled softly.

“Is he OK?” Heidi frowned.

“He was just tired Brin.”

“Oh.”

“He’ll be back.”

“I know,” Brin muttered, scared to death that he’d finally leave for good.

Nicholas walked toward Brin’s hospital room the next day.  Heidi had left a message with his father saying that Brin was doing much better.  He had been asleep, so he hadn’t heard until that morning.  Heidi was sitting outside the room talking to Seth.

“Hey Nicholas,” she said with a smile.

“Hey yourself.  How’s our girl doing?”

“Good.  She was resting when I came out to talk to Seth.”

“I just got your message this morning or I would’ve been here sooner.”

“You don’t need to give me any explanations.  You needed to sleep.” Seth smiled.

“I came in the other night at two a.m. and found you sleeping in that uncomfortable chair by her bed,” he said.

“I didn’t want to leave her alone.”

“You’re a good guy Nicholas.”

“Thank you.  So how’re you doing Seth?” He shrugged and smiled again.

“OK.  Any day I can get out of bed is a good day.” Heidi gave his hand a squeeze.

“You should get back to your room so you can get out of bed tomorrow,” she said.  Seth rolled his eyes.

“Honestly Heidi, you’re worse than my doctor.” She stood up and put her hands on the back of his wheelchair.

“Come on handsome, I’ll walk you to your room.” Seth winked at Nicholas.

“I’ve waited to hear you say that for a long time gorgeous,” he kidded.  Heidi laughed and pushed him down the hall.  Nicholas smiled and went into Brin’s room.  She had her head turned toward the window and her eyes were closed.  He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.  Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he said, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

“I wasn’t sleeping.”

“Oh.  I just saw Heidi and Seth.” She smiled.

“Whenever those two get together, they cause some kind of trouble.” He laughed.

“I can see how that could happen.  How do you feel?” She shrugged.

“OK I guess.  I’m still worn out and my chest feels like there’s somebody sitting on it.”

“How long will you be in the hospital this time?”

“I don’t know.  It’ll probably be a couple of weeks at least.”

“Do they have to do a lot to change your meds?” She drew in a deep breath and coughed.

“I guess.  My body is trying to fight something completely different now . . . it’ll take some getting use to.” He nodded.

“My college professors are loading us down with homework.” She smiled sympathetically.

“You should be home doing some of it instead of wasting your time here.” He looked at her seriously.

“I’m not wasting my time Brin.  I wouldn’t be here unless I wanted to be.” She sighed.

“I know.  Sorry.  I’m just sick of hospitals and being sick.” Nicholas leaned down and wrapped his arms around her.

“Don’t be sorry.  Feel free to bitch and complain anytime you want.” She smiled and kissed the side of his neck.  He pulled away and looked at her.  “Got anymore where that came from?” She grinned.

“I’ve got evil breath . . . kiss at your own risk.”

“I’ll take my chances just this once,” he murmured before kissing her.  When it ended, Nicholas nuzzled his face against the side of her neck.  “I missed you Brin.”

“I would’ve missed you if I hadn’t been delirious.” He pulled away and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.  Brin laughed.  “I probably missed you anyway.” Nicholas began to laugh too, and neither of them noticed Heidi and Seth watching from the doorway.

Brin didn’t go back to school until the beginning of March.  She didn’t get far behind though, thanks to Heidi’s help and daily visits from a tutor.  On her third day back, Brin walked outside and toward her car.  Nicholas was leaning against the hood smiling at her.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded after giving him a quick kiss.

“I came to see you.  How’re you feeling.” She smiled and unlocked the car door.

“I’m fine.”

“What’s so funny?” he demanded.

“Nothing really.  Heidi and Mom ask me that about fifty times a day.”

“They’re just concerned.”

“I know.  I could use a little more breathing room though.”

“Do you want to come over to the farm for a little while?” She smiled.

“That sounds good.  I can call Mom when I get there.”

“Great.  Are you going to follow me over?” Brin nodded.

“Yup.” He kissed her again before starting to walk away.

“I’ll see you there,” he called.  She nodded and got into her car.

Mr. Davis smiled when he saw Brin.

“Hey there Brin, how have you been?” he questioned.  She grinned at him.

“Pretty good.  I should be back to work in another week or so.  I’m still not up to all the work.”

“Take your time.  It’s just good to see you again.”

“You too.”

“Well, I have a meeting.  You two behave yourselves,” he said, winking at Nicholas.

“Sure thing Dad.  Have a good meeting.” He and Brin watched as his father got into his car and drove away.  “Come on up to the house and call your mother.” She took his hand and they walked inside.  When she had hung up the phone, Brin looked at Nicholas and smiled.

“She said to call again if I was going to be late.”

“OK.  Are you hungry?” She shook her head.

“Not really.  My medicine is still messing up appetite.” He looked at her sympathetically.

“That has to suck.” She shrugged and walked into the living room.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Are you tired?”

“A little.  I only went to school every other day this week.  Now I have the whole weekend to rest up.”

“Maybe you should’ve gone home and gotten some sleep instead of coming here.” She had plopped down on the couch and was looking up at him seriously.

“I don’t want to sleep . . . I want to be here with you,” she murmured, reaching out and putting her hand on his waist.  She curled her fingers around his belt and pulled him closer.  He smiled and crouched down in front of her.

“I want you here too,” he said, kissing her gently.  Brin wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her fingers in his hair.  “I missed you the past few months,” he said softly.

“You saw me almost every day.” He looked at her and grinned.

“Not like this.” He started to kiss her neck, and Brin laughed.

“My mother would have had a minor heart-attack if she had walked into the hospital room and found us kissing,” she said.  Nicholas looked at her and smiled.

“She’s still not comfortable with us?” She shrugged.

“She’s comfortable with our relationship . . . or at least the part of it that consists of holding hands.”

“I think she’s being a little too over-protective about it.” Brin raised an eyebrow.

“You’re finally agreeing with me that my mother is a little too overprotective?” she demanded.

“Only about this.” She smiled.

“I think your opinion is biased.”

“What do you mean?”

“You want her to approve so we don’t have to worry about her reaction if she sees us kissing or catches us fooling around.”

“That’s not why I want her approval,” he muttered standing and backing up a step.  She frowned.

“I didn’t mean… ” Nicholas cut her off.

“It doesn’t matter what you think you meant Brin . . . you said what you meant.” She stood and put her hands on her hips.

“I don’t know why you’re overreacting to this!  You know that I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Didn’t you?” She threw her hands up in the air.

“What do you want from me Nicholas?  I give you everything I possibly can, and now you’re blowing an innocent comment out of proportion.”

“I don’t think I am.  I think this whole issue bothers you more than you admit . . . now more than ever.”

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?” she demanded.

“I mean that the concept of a physical relationship bothered you a lot before Christmas.  Now that you’ve got AIDS, you’re more bothered by it than ever.”

“You’ve got no idea what bothers me!  You haven’t got the slightest idea.” He stared back at her, a mixture of anger and hurt in his eyes.  “I can’t handle all this right now,” she muttered, turning and stalking out.  Nicholas started to follow her, but then stopped and plopped down on the couch.

“Damnit, damnit, damnit,” he muttered.

Brin walked down the aisle of the barn two weeks later.  She was carrying a bucket of water for one of the horses.

“Here ya’ go Diggery,” she crooned as she poured the water into his bucket.  The gelding nickered softly and stuck his muzzle into the bucket. Brin gave him a pat and let herself out of the stall.  Mr. Davis was walking toward her with a smile.

“Hey Brin.  How’re things going?” he questioned.

“Good.  I was thinking about going out on a ride.”

“Sounds like a good idea.  Why don’t you take Zeplin?”

“Really?  Are you sure?” Zeplin was Mr. Davis’s personal horse, and Brin had never seen anyone else ride him.

“Of course I’m sure.  The saddle I use is on the saddle rack next to Diggery’s.”

“OK.  Thanks Mr. Davis,” she said, jogging down the aisle.

Brin rode along at an easy sitting trot.  It was a beautiful day; the sun was out and it was fairly warm.  The snow was starting to melt too.

“What a good boy you are Zeplin,” she said, moving to a posting trot.  Zeplin extended his stride willingly and tossed his head.  She smiled and asked him to canter.  Zeplin did it eagerly, and snow flew up around them.  Up ahead Brin could see someone else on horseback.  As she got closer she saw that it was Nicholas.  She pulled up to a trot, prepared to ride by him. Nicholas rode past, but then turned his mount and followed her.

“Are you ever going to talk to me again?” he asked.

“You’re the one who got mad at me for nothing.”

“It wasn’t “nothing”, Brin.  It was an issue that you brought up that offended me.”

“It wasn’t meant to be offensive.” He sighed and pulled his mount to a walk.  Brin did the same.

“Well I was offended and I wanted to talk about it . . . but you walked out.  That was the worst part.  I felt like you didn’t care.”

“I did.  I just couldn’t deal with a big argument then.  I had a lot going on, Nicholas.  I still do.”

“You need to be able to talk to me about it, about everything.” She looked at him seriously.

“There are some things, at least for right now, that I can’t talk to you about.  I don’t even know how I feel about half the things going through my head.”

“If you can’t talk to me, then there’s no point wasting our time with this relationship.” She frowned.

“Just because I can’t talk to you about everything right now doesn’t mean I never will be able to.”

“If you can’t talk about what’s bothering you, we won’t be able to talk at all.”

“What would you like me to say Nicholas?  Would you like me to lie to you. . . make things up just to make you feel better?  I’ve got news for you; this isn’t about you.  This is about me trying to deal with something no one can possibly understand.”

“Well I’ve got a little news for you too Brin.  This isn’t just about you.  It’s about me and Heidi and your mother, and everyone else who loves you!  It’s about all of us trying to deal with it . . .trying to get past it so we can help you.  All you seem to care about is how you feel . . . you haven’t given a thought to how anybody else is feeling.  It effects more than you!” he exclaimed.  Both horses danced to the side at his outburst.  She bowed her head and tried to collect her thoughts.  Nicholas sighed and suggested, “Why don’t you come talk to me when you’re done ‘figuring things out’?” She looked at him with big eyes, and he continued, “Maybe I’ll still be hanging around waiting for you then.” He turned his horse and cantered away.

Brin was startled awake by the phone late two nights later.  She rolled over and picked it up because her mother wasn’t home.

“Hello?” she muttered.

“Miss Potter?”

“This is Brin Potter.”

“Good.  This is the hospital.  Your friend Seth told us to call you.” Brin had to take several deep breaths before she could say anything.

“Is he OK?”

“I can’t divulge that information over the phone,” the woman said.

“I’ll be right over,” she promised before hanging up the phone.  She got out of bed and pulled on a pair of adidas wind pants.  She picked up the phone and dialed Heidi’s number.  “Heidi?  You need to come get me,” she said.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.  It’s Seth . . . I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I need to go over.  The hospital just called and . . .” she trailed off with a shaky breath.

“I’ll be right over.”

Heidi and Brin walked into Seth’s hospital room hand in hand.  Their friend was staring out the window, but turned to look at them when they entered.

“Here are my beautiful girls,” he whispered.  They smiled and Brin went around to the other side of the bed.  Both girls took one of his skinny hands.

“Where else would we be?” Heidi demanded.  He looked up at her and gave a weak grin.

“With one of your many boyfriends.” She shook her head as tears came to her eyes.

“You’re my only boyfriend Seth,” she whispered.  He pulled his hand out of her grasp and reached up to touch her cheek.  Heidi put her hand over his and closed her eyes.  A lone tear slipped down her cheek.

“You’re the only girl that’s ever made me feel like a boyfriend since I got sick.  I know I’m not . . .or rather we’re not dating . . . but it was nice to pretend,” he said.  She smiled and gave a sniffle.

“When people asked if I had a boyfriend I’d tell them I did and that his name was Seth . . . I’ll say that forever.”

“Thank-you Heidi.” They were all silent for a long time.  Seth had closed his eyes, and seemed to be thinking very hard.  “Heidi, could you leave us for a moment?”

“Sure.” She started to move away, but he grabbed her hand.

“If I don’t get to say it later, good-bye Heidi.  Always remember that I’ll always love you.”

“You’ll be here when I come back,” she said, although she didn’t sound so sure of it.  He smiled as she leaned down to kiss his forehead.  She pulled away slightly and looked at him for a moment before kissing him on the lips.  Brin watched as it went on and as Seth’s free hand slid up to the back of Heidi’s head.  She pulled away and smiled through her tears.

“Boy, if I wasn’t dying, you’d be in trouble,” he murmured.

“I wish you weren’t dying . . .I’ll be back.  Just call for me.” Brin nodded and watched as Heidi hurried from the room.

“She really cares about you Seth; if things were different . . .” Seth cut her off.

“But they’re not different.  Anyway, I don’t want to talk about Heidi right now.  I want to talk about you.”

“OK.”

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had . . . sometimes it seems like you’re the only friend I’ve had through this.  I don’t know how to thank you for it all.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that.  You’ve done the same for me.”

“I was lucky to find you that day.” They were quiet for a minute.  “I don’t want to scare you.”

“What?”

“Me dying.” She forced a smile.”

“Who says you’re dying?”

“I do.  You know I am.” She nodded slowly and bowed her head so he wouldn’t see her tears.  “I don’t want you to be afraid of dying or for you to stop fighting because I’m leaving.  You’ve got a long life ahead of you, so don’t you dare give up.”

“I won’t.”

“I heard you were fighting with Nicholas.”

“We’re talking about you, not Nicholas.”

“No we’re not . . . we’re talking about you.  You need to talk to him Brin, tell him what’s going on in your head.  I’m not going to be here anymore and you need someone.”

“He doesn’t understand any of this.”

“Yes he does.  What he doesn’t understand now, he’ll learn.  He wants to be there, so don’t throw that away.  Trust me, it doesn’t come along too often.”

“I know.” He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath.

“I’m so scared Brin,” he whispered.

“Me too,” she admitted.

“I don’t want you to call Heidi back in.  I can’t handle her being here now.”

“OK.  What do you want?” He opened his eyes and looked at her.  Tears were brimming in his eyes.

“Could you hold me for a little while?  I just don’t want to be alone.” She nodded.

“Sure.  I’ll help you sit up.” She helped him and then slid onto the bed.  He leaned back against her with his head resting on her chest.  She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and took his hand.

“What’ll it be like in heaven Brin?” he murmured.  She was stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

“You know I don’t believe in God or heaven, Seth,” she whispered.

“Tell me anyway.” She smiled.

“You’ll never be sick, ever again.  You’ll never feel pain or sadness again either.  You’ll have all the pretty girls you ever dreamed of.”

“I had that here,” he murmured.  She laughed softly.  “I’ll remember that laugh no matter where I go.”

“You’d better.  I’ll miss you forever Seth.”

“I’ll miss you forever too.  You and Heidi are the only good things that came of being sick.  I lost my whole family, but you guys made it worth it.”

“Nothing is worth this.”

“You are.”

“Do you remember the day we met, Seth?” He gave a weak nod.

“Of course I do.  Why don’t you tell me about it?  I always tell you.” She smiled.

“OK. It was three years ago, on a Wednesday.  I had just come out of a blood work/med session, and I was feeling like crap because of the new medications.  You walked into my room wearing jeans and a read T-shirt . . . and a smile.  You said, ‘Oh, there you are.’  I asked you if I knew you and you said . . .” He cut her off then, for one last time.

“Don’t you recognize me?  I’m your friend Seth,” he whispered.  Then all was still.  Brin could feel his hand become heavy, and she bit her bottom lip to try and stop the tears.  It didn’t work.  They fell freely, sliding down her cheeks and landing on Seth’s head.  She drew in a shaky breath and held him tighter.

“Oh Seth, come back,” she sobbed.

Heidi and Brin sat next to each other at Seth’s funeral.  Brin’s mother had refused to attend, saying she couldn’t handle seeing a young boy buried.

“Is it almost over?” Brin asked.  Heidi nodded and gave her hand a squeeze.

“Yeah, only a couple more minutes.” When the priest had finished, everyone processed slowly from the church.  Heidi got into the driver’s seat of her car.

“Are you going back to school?” Brin asked.

“Are you?”

“No.”

“Then neither am I.  Where do you want to go?”

“Riding.  Will you go riding with me?” Heidi glanced at her.

“I’ve never ridden a horse before Brin.” She shrugged.

“So?  Come riding with me.”

“Are you OK to ride?”

“I guess we’ll find out.”

Brin and Heidi rode along at a leisurely walk. It was slightly overcast that day and it wasn’t very warm.

“Are you OK?” Brin asked.

“Do you mean in general or on a horse?”

“On a horse.”

“I’m alright.  It’s different.” They rode in silence for a moment.

“Do you think you could get back to the barn by yourself?”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“I need to be alone . . . I didn’t realize that until just now.”

“Alright.  Will you be OK?”

“Yeah.  Just be careful getting back.”

“Do you want me to wait for you to bring you home?”

“No.  I’ll call my Mom.”

“Be careful Brin.”

“I will be.  I’ll call you tonight.”

“Bye.” Brin watched as Heidi turned her mount and walked off.  With a sigh she urged her mount into a canter.

Nicholas walked down the aisle of the barn late that evening.  He heard a noise in one of the stalls, so he stopped.  Brin was there, unsaddling a horse.

“Brin?” She didn’t look at him.

“I’ll be out of here soon.  I just needed to go for a ride,” she muttered.  He frowned.

“Are you crying?” She shook her head, and he watched as blonde hair fell over her shoulder.  He let himself into the stall and put his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her eyes were filled with pain, anger, and fear.  He sighed and pulled her into his chest.  She put her arms around his waist and sobbed.

“I don’t know what to do Nicholas.” He nodded and stroked her hair.

“I know.”

Brin awoke in a strange bed; it was Nicholas’s.  She sat up and glanced at the clock.  It was almost eleven.

“My mother’s going to’ kill me,” she muttered, starting to get up.

“I called her and told her where you are,” a voice said suddenly.  Brin gave a startled jump and looked around the dark room.  Nicholas was sitting in a chair by the window.  There was a full moon that, and it was casting a silver glow across his hair and bare shoulders.  She swallowed hard.

“Oh.  What’d she say?” She pulled the covers up and shivered.

“She asked if you were OK, and I told her you were fine . . . that you just needed some time away from everybody.”

“And she accepted that?” He shrugged again.

“More or less.  She wanted to come get you, but I told her you were sleeping.  I promised that you’d call in the morning.”

“I can’t believe she hasn’t been over here ready to whisk me away.”

“You need to cut your mom some slack.” She sighed.

“You don’t live with her Nicholas.  You can’t possibly understand . . .” He cut her off angrily.

“I understand that you mother is scared to death she’s going to lose you just like she lost your father.  She’s watching you deal with losing Seth, but she’s thinking about what she’ll do if she loses you.”

“When she loses me you mean.” He stood up, walked to the side of the bed, and sat down on the edge.

“No, I said what I meant.  You aren’t going to die, not anytime soon.  You’ve got to get past that.”

“I’d like to see you ‘get past it.’” He grabbed her shoulders and gave her a shake.

“I’m past it!  I don’t even think about it until you bring it up.”

“I don’t understand how you can do that.”

“I do it because I have to, and because I want to.  Thinking about death all the time doesn’t work for me.” She sighed.

“I don’t want to fight with you.  I’m sick of fighting.”

“So am I, but I can’t deal with you not talking to me.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.  Do you want me to tell you that I’m scared to death?  Do you want me to tell you that I’m afraid for you?  What do you want me to say?” she demanded.  He looked at her and sighed.

“Why are you afraid for me?” he asked, taking her hands in his.

“This disease isn’t picky Nicholas.  It’ll infect anyone who gives it a chance.  Us being as close as we are gives it a chance.  I don’t want you to get sick.”

“I don’t need to give it a chance.  I don’t need to become that involved.”

“But that’s what I want.” He looked surprised.

“What?”

“There’s no law saying I can’t want that . . . most people do.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted to or would want to . . .” he trailed off with a shrug.

“I’m not saying now, but eventually.  That doesn’t make you any safer.”

“We can be safe.  It’s not just about me.”

“This is about you.  I don’t care about me, I’m already sick.”

“This will affect both of us, no matter what.  You can’t be afraid for me.”

“I am.  You don’t know what it’s like to have this disease Nicholas.  You have to be careful all the time and you’re afraid all the time . . . not just for yourself, but for everyone around you.”

“You don’t need to be afraid for me.  I’m with you because I want to be.  I know the risks and I’m willing to take them.” She sighed.

“Seth told me to fix things with you.”

“Are you doing it because Seth told you to or because you want to?”

“Both,” she said truthfully.” He smiled.

“Thanks for the honesty.”

“Sure.  We promised to be honest with each other.”

“You weren’t being honest for awhile there.”

“I was being as honest as I could be.” They were silent for several moments.

“Do you want me to be really honest?” he questioned.  She nodded.  “OK.  I want you so bad right now, I’m about ready to lose my mind.” She drew in a deep, shaky breath.

“That was pretty honest,” she said softly.  He sighed.

“I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yes you should have.  I’d rather know.”

“Why?” She shrugged.

“At least if I know I won’t do anything stupid.” He smiled.

“What exactly is stupid Brin?” She gave another shrug.

“I don’t know.  I probably shouldn’t stare at you because you’re not wearing a shirt.  I probably shouldn’t touch you or think about touching you.  That would probably qualify as stupid.” He swallowed hard when she reached out and touched his bare shoulder.  There was a large scar there.  “What happened?” He swallowed again.

“Um… I was trying to fix a tractor and I caught my shoulder on a gear or something.”

“Did you need stitches?”

“Yes.” She let her hand slide away.  “What’re you trying to do to me Brin?” he demanded.

“Nothing.  I’m not trying to do anything to you.  I just saw the scar and wondered about it.”

“Really?” She nodded slowly.

“Yes.  Do you actually think I’d sit here and tease you?” He smiled.

“Not intentionally, but yes.” She frowned and brushed hair from her face.

“Should I be offended by that?” she demanded.  He looked at her for a long moment before reaching out and touching her face.

“No.  I’m not complaining . . . not really anyway.  It’s just hard Brin.” She sighed.

“What is?”

“Sitting here, wanting you like crazy, and having you reach out and touch me like that.  I mean, I haven’t even kissed you in almost a month.”

“So kiss me.”

“It’s not that easy.  If I kiss you…” Brin put her hands on either side of his face, pulled him closer, and kissed him.  Nicholas put his hand on the back of her head and moved closer.  Brin slid one of her hands to his shoulder, then to his chest.  Nicholas groaned and pulled away enough to rest his head on her shoulder.  “I should leave right now,” he said softly, kissing her neck gently.

“That’s not what you want to do.” He looked at her and she could tell that his cheeks were flushed even in the darkness.

“Brin, if I don’t leave, there’s going to be a big problem.”

“Not necessarily.  I mean, even if you leave you’re going to have a… big problem.  It doesn’t have to be that way.” He sighed.

“What are you offering here Brin?” She shook her head.

“I don’t know.  I do know that this relationship isn’t typical.  I know it isn’t easy for you . . . it isn’t easy for me either.  Maybe we can do something about it without doing anything.  Do you know what I mean?” she asked, looking really unsure of herself.

“Yeah, I know exactly what you’re saying. I’m just not sure how to handle this.” She kissed him again.

“How about we just go with the flow?” she suggested.  He swallowed hard and then kissed her.

“Good idea.”

Brin woke up the next morning and snuggled closer to Nicholas.  He smiled a little and opened his eyes.

“Morning,” he murmured.  She kissed his chin.

“It’s cold,” she said.  “Where’s your shirt?”

“I don’t know.  On the floor someplace.  I’ll get you one.” He started to get up, but she held on to the waistband of his jeans.

“If you leave I’ll probably freeze to death.” He smiled.

“It would be most unfortunate if my father came up here when he got home and found you in my bed without a shirt on,” he said.  She frowned thoug