The Graduates
Mary Elizabeth O’Connor and David Graham had been an official item since March 19, 1994. Everyone considered them as good as married. Some people actually called her ‘Graham.’ David, however, called her Liz; she hated the name Mary. Her best friend Jude Mylott called her M.E. They’d known one another since kindergarten. Now it was the big day, graduation. Mary Elizabeth was standing next to Jude in the gym, smiling.
“Are you excited?” she asked. Jude shrugged his broad shoulders.
“I guess.” She shook her head and a red curl fell across her forehead.
“You amaze me Jude. You’re always so calm.”
“I just don’t let simple things get me all worked up, M.E.” She threw her head back and laughed.
“I don’t consider graduating from high school simple, but if that’s what keeps you calm…” she trailed off and Jude grinned.
“Where’s David?”
“I’m not sure. We had about four rolls of film taken at the house, outside and at the park, but he said he forgot something at home. He’ll be here.”
“Probably at the last minute, knowing David.”
“Probably.” The teachers were calling for lines to be formed and to start the procession to the auditorium. Mary Elizabeth looked around for David and smiled when she saw him on the other side of the gym. “There he is,” she said. Jude nodded.
“I told you he’d show up.” She grinned.
“You’re so smart. I wonder why you’re not valedictorian?” They were walking down the hall toward the auditorium.
“Probably because my red-headed best friend beat me.” She laughed.
“That could be it,” she murmured as they walked back stage.
David stood beside Mary Elizabeth, holding her hand. Their parents had thrown them a joint graduation party. She gave his hand a squeeze.
“Are you OK?” she asked softly. David glanced down at her and gave a small smile.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” She shrugged and touched the side of his face.
“I don’t know. You’ve just seemed kind of quiet all day.”
“My dad was on my case about Princeton again today.” She sighed.
“Why can’t he just accept that you want to go to Notre Dame and play football?” David shrugged.
“I don’t know. I’ve already accepted the scholarship, so he’d better get use to the idea.” She wrapped her arms around him and looked up into his eyes.
“Don’t worry about it OK? I love you.” He nodded and kissed her.
“I know. I love you too… don’t forget that OK?” She looked at him, frowning.
“Hey, I’d never forget that.” David tried to smile, but couldn’t. “David are you sure you’re alright? If you’re not we can go someplace and talk.” He shook his head.
“I’m fine Liz. I guess I just need to be alone for awhile.”
“Are you sure? I’m worried David.” He kissed her again.
“I’m fine… I promise. I’ll call you later OK?” She hesitated and he said, “Liz?”
“Yeah, OK. What should I tell your parents?”
“Tell them I went to another party or something. I love you.”
“I love you too!” she called, watching as he hurried away. She frowned and stared after him long after he’d disappeared.
Jude looked outside and frowned when he saw Mary Elizabeth sitting on the dock staring out at the lake. He picked up his sweatshirt and walked out.
“M.E. are you OK?” he asked. She looked up at him and frowned.
“Not really.” He sat down next to her and handed her his sweatshirt.
“Put this on,” he ordered. She did as he said. “So what’s up?”
“David promised me he’d call, but he hasn’t.”
“Why are you so upset about that? He probably got tied up at a party.”
“When he says he’ll call, he does. He’s been gone for hours Jude, and I’ve called all his friends.”
“Did you call his house?”
“Yeah. He’s not there either. His parents are getting worried too.”
“He’s probably fine M.E.” She shook her head.
“He wasn’t fine when he left. I don’t think he’s fine.” She started to cry and Jude put his arms around her.
“Hey, he’s OK,” he whispered. She put her arms around his waist.
“I know something’s wrong. I just know it.”
David’s parents came early the next morning. Mary Elizabeth answered the door.
“What’s wrong?” she demanded. Mr. Graham swallowed hard.
“Has David called you?”
“No. Hasn’t he called you or come home?” she questioned.
“No. We haven’t seen or heard from him since yesterday.” Mary Elizabeth felt fear forming in the pit of her stomach.
“Did you call the guys on the baseball team? Maybe…” Mrs. Graham cut her off.
“We’ve tried everyone Liz. Nobody’s seen him.”
“Did you check the football field or the baseball dugouts? Sometimes he goes there to think.”
“We checked.”
“I don’t know where he could be. He didn’t tell me exactly where he was going. He just said he needed to be alone for awhile.”
“If you hear from him will you call us?” Mrs. Graham asked.
“Of course. Call me if you hear anything.”
“OK. Thanks Liz.” Mary Elizabeth watched as they walked back to their car, and then went to call Jude.
It was Jude’s idea to check the Graham’s camp. It was right across the lake from her house.
“I hope he’s here,” she said as they pulled into the driveway. Jude nodded.
“So do I. This is getting a little ridiculous.” It was almost noon. They got out of the truck and started toward the porch.
“David’s car is over there.” Jude looked to the side of the cabin and nodded.
“Yeah, he murmured, a sinking filling forming in his stomach. “David!” he called. Mary Elizabeth smiled.
“He’s probably sleeping.”
“Yeah, probably.” He opened the front door and walked in. David’s high school letter jacket was on the back of a chair.
“I should call his parents and let them know he’s OK.”
“Why don’t you hold off for a second?” he suggested, walking down the hall.
“Jude you’re acting weird. What’s wrong?”
“Probably nothing.” He opened the first door and glanced in.
“That’s his parents’ room. What are you doing?”
“M.E. could you be quiet for two seconds? Where’s David’s room?”
“The last door on the left. He’s just sleeping… what’s the big deal?”
“Nothing.” He walked down the dim hallway and jumped when a board creaked under his feet. He opened the door carefully and looked in. “Oh God,” he muttered. Mary Elizabeth tried to see past him, but he was already closing the door.
“Jude what’s wrong?” she demanded, starting for the door. He grabbed her arm.
“Go in the living room and wait for me.”
“No. What did you see? Is it another girl?” He didn’t answer. “It was wasn’t it? He’s in there with another girl.” She broke free of his grasp, and before he could stop her opened the door and stepped in.
“Mary Elizabeth!” he yelled, trying to stop her. It was too late. She was standing in the doorway, looking around in horror.
“David?” she whispered. He was sitting on the bed wearing his brand new Notre Dame Jacket. His back was against the wall and he was slumped over. There was blood all over the wall behind him, and a gun was in his limp hand. “David!” she yelled hysterically, starting toward him. Jude grabbed her around the waist and dragged her from the room. “Let me go!” she exclaimed, struggling against him. He pulled her into the living room and then out to the porch.
“M.E. stop,” he said softly. She kept yelling for him to let her go. “Stop it!” he yelled, smacking her. She blinked and then closed her eyes, her body going limp. Jude sighed and said, “Damn it M.E. you’ve never been a fainter.” He pulled her to a lounge chair and set her down gently. When he was sure she was OK, Jude went back into the house and called 911.
Mary Elizabeth woke up coughing. A nurse was holding a small, smelly packet under her nose.
“What’s going on?” she demanded, pushing the nurse’s hand away. Jude was there, holding her hand.
“Do you remember anything?” he asked. She frowned and shook her head.
“No. What happened?”
“Your parents should be here any minute,” he murmured.
“Why won’t you answer me?”
“I think your parents should be here Mary Elizabeth.”
“Why are you calling me that? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s your name.”
“Not to you it’s not. Why am I in the hospital?”
“You fainted.”
“Why? What happened?”
“M.E just wait until…” she cut him off.
“Talk to me and tell me what’s going on,” she said softly, her green eyes burning into his blue ones.
“David… he killed himself,” he said. Mary Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak, but her parents rushed in and began talking.
Mr. and Mrs. Graham walked up the stairs in the O’Connor house, following Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor.
“She’s been in her room since she came home yesterday,” Mrs. O’Connor said.
“We just came to give her the letter and tell her she could come over any time and pick up things she wants or that he wanted her to have.”
“That’s very nice of you.” They had reached Mary Elizabeth’s door and her mother knocked. “Honey?” she called. “Mr. and Mrs. Graham are here. They’d like to talk to you.”
“Come in,” came a soft reply. They all went in and saw Mary Elizabeth sitting on her bed staring at a framed picture of her and David.
“Babe, are you OK?” her father asked. She nodded slowly and looked up at them, forcing a smile.
“I’m fine. It’s good to see you,” she said to David’s parents.
“It’s good to see you too Liz. We came by because David left this envelope for you.” Mr. Graham handed it to her and they all watched as she ran her fingers over her name on the front of the envelope.
“He always had such messy handwriting,” she whispered.
“We wanted to tell you that you’re welcome any time to go through things and take what you want. I’m sure he had things that he wanted you to have,” Mrs. Graham murmured. Mary Elizabeth said nothing. “Well, we’re going to get going now. We’ll see you at the fune… funeral.” Mary Elizabeth nodded, but once again said nothing. Her parents and the Grahams walked out.
“She’s so devastated about all this. We all are,” Mrs. O’Connor said.
“Thank you for all you’ve done for David over the years. Thank you for your kind words today,” Mr. Graham said.
“Is there anything we can help you with?”
“Um… do you think you could help with the gathering after the funeral? We’re already getting food from the community.”
“Absolutely.”
“Thank you. We’ll be in touch.” David’s parents walked out and Mary Elizabeth’s looked at one another.
“We need to get her up and out of bed. She needs to talk to someone.”
“Jude has called a couple of times; maybe he can help,” Mrs. O’Conner said softly, picking up the phone.
Jude walked up the stairs to Mary Elizabeth’s bedroom. The door was closed, so he knocked.
“M.E. can I come in?” he called. There was no answer so he opened the door slowly. She was sitting by the window, staring out with a blank expression on her face. “M.E.?” he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder. She jumped and looked up at him.
“What are you doing here? Did we have plans to do something?” she asked her voice unsure. Jude shook his head.
“No. I just stopped by to visit you.”
“Oh.” He pulled a chair in front of the window and sat facing her, straddling the chair.
“So how are you?” She shrugged.
“I don’t know. OK I guess.”
“I don’t think you’re ‘OK’ or even close to ‘OK’,” he observed. She frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“Your parents told me that you haven’t left your room in two days.”
“So? My boyfriend killed himself. Aren’t I allowed to be alone for awhile?”
“Nope. Come with me and do something.”
“Like what?”
“Like go take a shower and come with me.”
“Jude, I really don’t feel like going anywhere.”
“Too bad. You can still be depressed while we’re doing whatever we’re doing, I promise.”
“Jude,” she began, but he was already pulling her to her feet.
“I don’t want to hear it. Go take a shower. I’ll bring you clean clothes and then I’ll wait downstairs. You’ve got twenty minutes.” Mary Elizabeth sighed, knowing it was no use to argue.”
“OK. Twenty minutes,” she muttered, going out of the room and to the bathroom reluctantly. Jude waited until he heard the shower running and then brought a pair of jeans, underwear, a bra and a T-shirt into the bathroom. When he was done he went downstairs and into the kitchen. Mrs. Graham poured him a glass of soda.
“Well?” she asked.
“She’s taking a shower and then we’re going out for a drive.” She sighed with relief.
“Thank God. I don’t know how you do it sometimes Jude.”
“I don’t give her any alternative,” he said, taking a big gulp of soda. Mary Elizabeth came in ten minutes later. Her hair was pulled back in a braid and she looked like she didn’t want to go anywhere with anyone.
“Can we get this over with?” she demanded. Jude stood up.
“Sure thing. Bye Mrs. O’Connor, nice seeing you!” he called as he followed Mary Elizabeth out to his car.
They drove in silence for almost forty-five minutes. It was a beautiful day, and Jude decided to comment on it.
“It’s gorgeous out today don’t you think?” She didn’t say anything. “I don’t know if you’re ignoring me or if you’re off in Never-Never land M.E.”
“I’m ignoring you,” she muttered.
“Why?”
“Because you made me come out with you. I just want to be alone right now.”
“Well blame your parents. They asked me to try. And speaking of your parents, they’re worried about you.”
“I’m really not in the mood for a guilt trip right now Jude.”
“It’s not a guilt trip. I’m just commenting.”
“Whatever.” He pulled into a Burger King.
“What do you want?”
“Nothing. I’m not hungry.”
“Chicken sandwich, no mayo, no lettuce, and a sprite? Gotcha’.” He pulled up to the window and ordered. When he paid, he handed the food to Mary Elizabeth. “Hold that.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Yes you are. We’re going to go eat in the park.” She sighed, but once again said nothing.
Jude and Mary Elizabeth sat on a bench by the duck pond. She was taking small bites from her sandwich.
“I told you that you were hungry,” he said, putting a fry into his mouth.
“I’m not. I have this funny feeling that you’ll just go back and get me another if I don’t eat this.”
“You’re precisely right.”
“I thought so.”
“Have you been sleeping?”
“A little.”
“I already know you haven’t been eating. Your mom told me.”
“When are you going to take me home?”
“When you smile.”
“You’re going to be waiting awhile.”
“You’ll have to come up with something, because I’ve got all day.” She sighed.
“This is stupid.”
“Why is this stupid? I want to spend time with you and talk to you. You’re my best friend and I’m concerned about you. Why exactly is that stupid?”
“Please don’t be like that. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Why is this stupid?”
“Because I don’t want to be here pretending things are OK just to make you happy.”
“Then don’t,” he said simply. “Yell, scream, cry… I don’t care. Show some emotion because I can’t stand this whole vacant thing you’ve got going on.” She threw the chicken sandwich and stood up.
“Well what the hell would you prefer Jude?” she demanded. He shrugged. “What, no comments? It’s not up to you how I act.”
“I know.” He stood up and said, “But I’m your friend and I’m worried about you.” She pushed him hard.
“Well I’m sorry that my mood is an inconvenience for you!” she yelled. Jude reached out to put his hand on her shoulder, but Mary Elizabeth knocked it away.
“Come on M.E., let me…” She hit him on the chest.
“Let you what? Let you fix things? Let you comfort me? What? You can’t fix this, nobody can fix this Jude!” She was still hitting him. Jude grabbed her upper arms and pulled her into his chest. She struggled against him and said, “Let me go.”
“No, never,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and holding her. She put her arms around his waist and started to sob.
“I don’t know what to do. God, I don’t know what to do.”
It was a closed casket funeral due to the way David died. Mary Elizabeth sat between her mother and father, staring at the picture of David on top of the casket. She had taken the picture the previous fall. David was holding his football helmet and his hair was wet with sweat. He was grinning and his face was streaked with mud.
“Mary Elizabeth, are you alright?” he mother asked. She nodded slowly.
“I guess. I can’t believe they used that picture.”
“It’s a good one. He looks very natural.” She sighed and raked her fingers through her hair.
“I need some air.”
“Do you want company honey?” her father asked.
“Nope. I’ll be back in a minute,” she promised standing and walking out.
It was a nice day for a funeral. The sun was out and a cool breeze was blowing. Mary Elizabeth sat down and put her face in her hands. Suddenly someone put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up and, through her tears, saw Jude looking at her.
“You OK?” he asked. She shook her head and he sat down next to her. She put her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around her. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that I shouldn’t be at my boyfriend’s funeral.”
“You think right.”
“They put his picture on the casket… the one I took of him during football season. Daddy said it was a natural picture.”
“It is.”
“They should’ve used a picture where he was dressed up or something.”
“Why?” She shrugged.
“I don’t know. It would’ve been more appropriate.”
“M.E. there’s nothing appropriate about this situation.” She sighed and sat up.
“I should go back in,” she said, starting to stand. Jude caught her arm. “What?” He brushed tears from her cheeks and then smiled.
“There, all set. I’ll go in with you.” He took her hand and they walked into the funeral parlor together.
Mary Elizabeth was awakened early the following Saturday morning. Jude was standing by her bed.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded in a whisper.
“I came to take you running,” he said. She frowned and put her pillow over her head.
“What time is it?”
“Six thirty.” She pulled the pillow off her head and glared at him.
“Jude, have you lost your mind?” He grinned.
“No, but you’re going to if you keep hiding out here. Come on, you haven’t been running in a week. Let’s go, get up.” He pulled the covers off of her and pulled her to her feet. “Get dressed. I’ll wait for you downstairs.” She sighed, but went to her dresser.
“Leave a note for Mom and Dad.”
“Sure thing,” he replied, going out and closing the door.
Mary Elizabeth ran beside Jude. She had been on the track and cross-country teams in high school. Jude glanced at her. She was wearing a gray sweatshirt, a pair of spandex shorts and running sneakers. A sweat stain was spreading across the front of her sweatshirt.
“You wanna’ stop?” he asked. She shook her head.
“No, let’s keep going,” she muttered. They had decided to run around the lake and the Graham’s cabin had come into view. There was yellow police tape up, surrounding the house. Mary Elizabeth picked up her pace and Jude had to struggle to keep up.
“Hey M.E. when did we decide to race?” he asked. She didn’t answer so he caught her elbow. “Come on slow down,” he said.
“Let me go.”
“No.” He pulled her to a stop. “It’s just a house Mary Elizabeth. The house didn’t kill him.” Tears were shining in her eyes.
“Could we please just keep going?”
“No.” He grabbed her shoulders and made her look at the cabin. “It’s a stupid house M.E., just a place. That’s not what killed him.”
“I know that! Please Jude, let’s just go.” He was still holding her shoulders so he felt her start to cry. He put his arms around her and she turned around to bury her face in his shoulder.
“I can’t do this,” she sobbed. He put his hand on the back of her head and held her tight.
“Yes you can. Everything is going to be OK. You’ll get through this, I promise.”
Jude woke Mary Elizabeth every morning for the next two weeks, made her get out of bed and go running. One particular morning, a Thursday, they walked up her driveway after running. They were both sweating profusely due to the high temperature and humidity.
“We could’ve skipped the run today,” she said breathlessly. She walked out onto the dock and bent to stretch her legs.
“That’s not an option. Running is good for you.”
“Not when it’s this hot out. I could pass out right now.”
“So you’re really hot?”
“Aren’t you?” she demanded. He shrugged and pulled his T-shirt off.
“Not anymore.” She sighed.
“Guys have it so easy. When they get hot they can pull their shirts off.”
“I know how you can cool off really quick.”
“How?” He put his hands on her shoulders firmly.
“Well, it just so happens that we’re standing by a lake,” he began.
“Jude, I don’t think…” He cut her off by pushing her. Mary Elizabeth hung on to his arms and took him with her. When she came up she looked around. “Jude?” she called. She turned around and saw him glaring at her.
“Now, I didn’t need to go swimming M.E,” he muttered in mock anger. Mary Elizabeth noticed a leaf in his hair and felt the most amazing thing happen; she smiled. Jude frowned.
“What’s so funny?” She reached out and plucked the leaf from his hair.
“This.”
“Oh.” He smiled. “I knew I could get you to smile.”
“It took you an awful long time,” she said.
“You’re smiling aren’t you?” She nodded slowly.
“I guess I am.” Jude put his arms around her and gave her a hug.
“You should know by now that I always win.” She put her hands on the sides of his face and placed a friendly kiss on his lips.
“Sometimes I’m really glad that you’re so persistent,” she whispered, pulling away and swimming to the dock. Jude watched as she pulled herself out of the water and walked toward the house, turning and walking backwards for a moment. “Are you coming or what?”
“Yeah, I’ll be right there,” he said, swimming toward the dock. She nodded and continued toward the house. Jude pulled himself out of the water and sat on the dock for a second. “Whoa,” he muttered.
Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor sat across the dining room table from their daughter almost a week later.
“I asked you guys to come here because I’ve made a decision.”
“What kind of a decision?” her mother asked. Mary Elizabeth took a deep breath.
“I’ve decided not to go to Yale.”
“What? Mary Elizabeth, not going to Yale would be foolish,” her father said.
“Why? Because that’s where you want me to go?” she demanded.
“No, because it’s your future!” She sighed and raked her fingers through her hair.
“I’m not going to Yale. I applied at the community college and I’ve been accepted full scholarship.”
“Why are you changing your mind now honey?” her mother asked.
“Why do you think? I can’t handle a big move right now.”
“You can’t throw your future away because of David, young lady. I won’t allow it,” Mr. O’Connor said sternly. Mary Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed.
“It isn’t up to you. This is my life and my decision.”
“Have you talked to Jude about this? He was very excited about going to the same school as you.”
“Jude decided to stay here too,” she muttered.
“So, not only are you messing up your life, but you’re messing up Jude’s life too?” She stood up angrily.
“I’m not messing up anyone’s life! Jude made the decision to do this even though I told him not to.” She sighed. “I’m going out for awhile.”
Jude heard the doorbell, sounding like it was very far away. He rolled over and looked at his clock; it was almost midnight. His parents were out of town so he got out of bed and stumbled downstairs. He looked through the peep hole before opening the door.
“M.E, what’s the matter?” he demanded.
“I told my parents about Yale. They were mad.”
“Come on in,” he said. She walked past him, glancing at him. He was wearing a pair of shorts and socks, and that was it.
“Did I wake you up?” He nodded.
“Yeah. I was tired so I went to bed early.”
“Sorry.”
“No problem. Are you hungry?” She shook her head and walked to the stairs. She sat down on the third one up.
“They told me that I’m ruining my life and yours.”
“You’re not ruining anything M.E. You made a decision that felt good for you. I think it is good for you. My decision was based on the fact that I wouldn’t be able to handle going away by myself.”
“Well, my parents aren’t looking at it that way.” Jude sat down next to her and put his hand on her knee.
“They didn’t go through what you did, and they wouldn’t lose their best friend if they went to Yale.” She smiled weakly.
“You wouldn’t lose me if you went to Yale, you’d just be far away.”
“That’s not an option,” he said simply. She glanced at him and put her hand over his, lacing her fingers through his.
“Can I stay here tonight? I don’t feel like a lecture from my parents right now.”
“You need to call them at least. There’s no reason to keep them up worrying.”
“Will you call them? Tell them I’m asleep or something.” He nodded.
“Sure. Go on upstairs and find something to sleep in. I think those boxers you think are cool are clean.”
“Thanks Jude,” she said. He stood and pulled her to her feet.
“Anytime,” he replied, placing a kiss on her forehead. He watched as she turned and jogged up the stairs. With a sigh he went into the kitchen to call her parents.
Mary Elizabeth awoke the next morning practically on top of Jude. He was still asleep. His arms were wrapped loosely around her waist; one of his hands was on the small of her back. She drew in a deep breath and touched the side of his face.
“What?” he muttered groggily. Before she knew it she was laughing. He opened his eyes and frowned. “What exactly is so funny?” he demanded. She let her forehead rest against his chest for a moment before rolling off of him, still laughing. Jude rolled on his side, resting his head on his bent arm so he could look at her. “M.E. are you losing it on me?” She laughed harder. He put his hand on her stomach. “Hey M.E?”
“What?” she asked breathlessly.
“You’re weird.” She nodded and looked at him.
“I’m sorry. I just thought the way you said that was funny.”
“Well I’m glad I could be of some amusement.”
“What time is it?” He looked over his shoulder at the clock.
“Almost ten.” His hand was still on her stomach. She looked at him for a moment and then smiled.
“We should get up and eat. Then I should head home.”
“Sounds like a plan.” She got up and he watched as he walked toward the door. “Hey, toss me a clean shirt will ya?” She went to his dresser and took out a white T-shirt.
“Is this OK?” she asked. He nodded and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.
“Yeah.” She threw the shirt and it collided with his face.
“I’ll see you downstairs.” He nodded and she walked out. Jude flopped back on his pillows and rubbed his hands over his face.
“Damn it.”
Mary Elizabeth and Jude sat on the floor in her living room that evening. The movie ‘Billy Madison’ was on and they were eating popcorn
“Hey M.E, I have an idea,” he said suddenly. She glanced up at him. Her hair was down and she was wearing a pair of jeans and a yellow tank top.
“What’s your brilliant plan this time?”
“I think we should go to Yale.”
“Jude, I can’t handle a big move right now… living with a complete stranger that far away from home.”
“What if you didn’t have to live with a stranger?”
“What are you talking about?”
“What if we got an apartment off campus?”
“You mean live together?” He nodded. “I don’t know. I’m not sure my parents would support that.”
“I don’t want to know what you think your parents will think. I want to know what you think.” She took a deep breath and raked her fingers through her long red curls.
“I think it’s a pretty good idea.”
“Me too.”
“How do we get it past our parents?” He smiled.
“We tell them that the only way we’ll go to Yale is if we can get an apartment together. I’m pretty sure they’ll think it’s a good compromise.”
“Sounds like it’ll work.”
“Let’s do it.
Indeed it did work. Mr. and Mrs. Mylott, and Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor all agreed that it was a suitable compromise. Jude and Mary Elizabeth went to Connecticut several times that summer and found an apartment near the campus. In late August, several days before they were suppose to leave, Mary Elizabeth was packing some things from her desk. There was the corner of an envelope sticking out from under her photo album.
“What’s this?” she murmured, pulling it out. Her hands began to shake when she saw the writing on the front. It was her name in David’s sloppy, sprawling handwriting. She sank slowly to the bed and looked at the envelope before turning it over, opening it carefully. With a deep breath she took out the letter, unfolded it, and read:
Liz-
I’m not sure where to begin. I’ve felt so bad for so long, and I can’t take it anymore. My parents don’t support me and I feel like everything is a losing battle. I don’t even want to go to college anymore… it’s just too much. Sometimes it seems like you’re the only thing in my life that’s right. With so much else wrong, well it doesn’t seem fair that you’re the only thing that makes me feel like life is worth living. I can’t live like this anymore. It hurts too much.
Know that this has nothing to do with you. This isn’t about you in any way. It doesn’t involve you. This is about me.
I want you to have my photo albums and all of my other pictures. You can take the box under my bed… it has some of my journals (the rest are in my closet if you want them) my class ring, and some other stuff I thought you’d want. Anything else you want is yours.
I love you Liz, and I don’t want you to think this is your fault. It’s not about you. It has nothing to do with you.
Love Always, David
Mary Elizabeth put the letter down and walked out.
Mrs. Graham opened the door and smiled when she saw Mary Elizabeth.
“Liz, how nice to see you,” she said. She looked tired and old.
“It’s good to see you too. I came to pick up a few things. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by sooner, but I’ve been busy,” she explained, stepping inside.
“That’s alright. I saw your mother in the store a few weeks ago and she said you decided to go to Yale after all.”
“Yeah. Jude and I are going to live in apartment off campus. That way I’ll have someone and I’ll be where my parents want me.”
“I’m very happy for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Of course. You know where David’s room is.”
“I’ll be down in a little while.”
“OK.” Mrs. Graham watched as Mary Elizabeth walked up the stairs slowly. With a sigh she returned to the kitchen.
Mary Elizabeth opened David’s bedroom door and was immediately hit with the smell of his cologne. She stepped inside and closed the door. His bed was unmade, looking as if he’d slept in it the night before. She glanced at the night stand and swallowed hard. There was a large framed picture of them together. They had been at her house when it was taken the previous summer. They were standing on the dock and he was behind her. He was kissing her cheek, his chin resting on her shoulder. She was smiling broadly, her red hair down and shining in the sun. She had been wearing a black bathing suit. Mary Elizabeth picked up the picture and ran her fingers over the glass. With a deep breath she put it down on the bed and got his photo albums off the bookshelf. She sat down on the bed and flipped through the first one slowly. There were pictures of her, pictures of them together and with friends. There was a picture of him and Jude; Jude was getting a piggy back ride. She closed the album and slid to the floor. She looked under the bed and pulled out the box there. It was filled with various things: notebooks, more pictures, a small velveteen box, and various trinkets she’d given him over the years. She put his photo albums and the framed picture into the box, stood and went to the closet. There were several more notebooks piled on a shelf. Mary Elizabeth picked up one and opened it. The first entry was dated March 19, 1994; it was the day he’d finally asked her out. Tears she’d been holding in since she found David’s letter spilled silently down her cheeks. She picked up the remainder of the notebooks and put them in the box. After looking around a final time, Mary Elizabeth picked up the box and walked out.
Jude happened to stop by the O’Connor’s that night, hoping Mary Elizabeth would want to go out and see a movie. He let himself in, knowing Mr. and Mrs. O’Connor always went out on Wednesday nights.
“M.E!” he called. There was no answer. He jogged upstairs to her bedroom. The door was closed so he knocked. “Hey M.E. can I come in?” he asked. When he didn’t receive an answer Jude opened the door. She wasn’t there. He walked in and looked around. There was a large box on top of the bed. On top of the box was a crumpled up piece of paper. He picked it up and read:
Liz,
I’m not sure how to begin. I’ve felt so bad for so long, and I can’t take it anymore…
When he finished reading, Jude dropped the letter and jogged back downstairs. He went out the back door and sighed with relief when he saw Mary Elizabeth sitting on the dock. He walked out and stopped behind her.
“Hey,” he said.
“Jude you should go,” she muttered.
“Why?” he asked with a frown.
“Because I want to be alone.”
“Then I’m definitely not leaving.” She sighed and put her face in her hands for a moment. “What happened?” he asked, even though he knew… or thought he did. She stood up suddenly and shook her head.
“Nothing happened. Why do you have to press everything? Just go home.”
“No. Talk to me.” She tried to walk past him but he caught her arm just above the elbow. “Damn it Mary Elizabeth, tell me what’s wrong!” he exclaimed. Her eyes flashed angrily.
“Don’t you dare make demands. I don’t do demands.”
“You do tonight.” She sighed.
“He said it had nothing to do with me.”
“What?”
“In his letter David said what he did had nothing to do with me.”
“Why are you so mad? Isn’t that a good thing?”
“It had everything to do with me! He said it didn’t involve me for God’s sake. Of course it involves me,” she said angrily. Jude nodded.
“I know that.” They stood there looking at one another for a moment. “Tell me again why you’re so angry at me?” She sighed and bowed her head in shame. Red curls fell over her shoulders.
“I’m not mad at you, I’m just mad.” He put his finger under her chin and made her look at him.
“I know.” She put her arms around his waist.
“I’m sorry.” Jude shrugged and held her tightly.
“It’s OK,” he whispered.
Mary Elizabeth unlocked the front door in the apartment and walked in. They’d been in Connecticut for almost a month and things were going pretty well. She went to the refrigerator and took out a can of Sprite. She could hear the shower running and Jude’s radio playing. She walked down the hall to her room and put her CD player on her desk. She’d just got done running and felt slimy and gross.
“Jude are you almost done in there?” she called, going to the open bathroom door. He stuck his head out from behind the shower curtain.
“Are you in a rush M.E?” he asked, water running down his face.
“Not really. I just got back from running and I feel disgusting.”
“You look pretty disgusting.” She picked up a towel and threw it at him.
“I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
“I’ll be out in a minute,” he said with a grin.
“Good.”
Mary Elizabeth got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself. She walked down the hall slowly, kind of in a daze. Suddenly Jude came out of his room and they slammed into one another. Jude grabbed her bare shoulders to steady her.
“Sorry, I was in a zone,” she said. He looked at her and frowned.
“It’s alright.” She saw the look on his face and frowned too.
“What’s the matter?” He let her go.
“Nothing really.” Mary Elizabeth grabbed his hand.
“Something’s wrong.”
“Do you have to walk around in a towel M.E?” She smiled.
“You do it.”
“That’s different.”
“It is not.” He sighed.
“Whatever you say. I’ve gotta’ go to class.”
“Jude what’s the big deal? I’m covered!” she called.
“Barely!” he shot back. Mary Elizabeth glanced down at herself and frowned. By the time she’d collected her thoughts, Jude was gone. She sighed and continued to her room.
The first snow fell the day Jude and Mary Elizabeth got back from Thanksgiving break. They hurried into the apartment, both carrying duffle bags and containers of leftovers.
“What do they expect us to do with all this food?” she demanded, dropping her bag in the living room and carrying her leftovers into the kitchen. She heard an ‘oof’ and then a thud.
“Damn it M.E. why did you drop your bag in the middle of the floor?” Jude called. She smiled.
“To keep you on your toes. Are you alright?” she asked, walking back into the living room. He was sprawled on the floor, his legs tangled in the strap of her bag. She smiled, crouched down beside him and helped him untangle himself.
“I’m fine,” he said.
“Sorry I dropped it here. It was getting heavy.”
“I didn’t know you were such a weakling M.E,” he said, standing up and pulling her to her feet. She gave his shoulder a whack.
“I’m not a weakling.” He grinned and walked into the kitchen.
“Really?” She watched him put his food away and then followed him down the hall to his room.
“Yes really. If you remember correctly I was always the one getting in trouble for beating you up when we were little.” He laughed.
“That was when we were kids Mary Elizabeth. I’m a lot bigger now.” She frowned at him.
“You’re cocky. I bet I could still knock you on your butt.” He had his back to her and was taking clothes out of his duffle bag.
“You think so do ya?” he asked. Before he knew it Mary Elizabeth had tackled his legs and knocked him to the floor. They landed with a thud. Jude glared at her; she was straddling his waist, looking down at him triumphantly. Her hair was falling down from its ponytail.
“Told you so,” she said with a grin. Jude shook his head slowly and sat up. The next thing she knew, Mary Elizabeth was being thrown over his shoulder and carried out of the room. “Hey! Where are we going?” she demanded.
“To teach you a lesson.” She started to laugh because he was tickling her.
“Jude knock it off. Put me down!” she exclaimed, clinging to the back of his shirt.
“I will in a minute.” He opened the front door and walked out into the snow.
“Are you crazy?” she demanded when he put her down in a large snow bank. He smiled.
“Guess so.” She picked up a handful of snow and threw it at him. He sputtered and pushed her down. She gave his leg a tug and he fell on top of her. Mary Elizabeth laughed and stuffed snow up the back of his shirt. Jude let out a surprised cry and then shoved a handful of snow up her sweater. Mary Elizabeth squealed.
“God that’s cold!” she exclaimed. He was looking at her with a soft smile on his face. “What?” He shook his head.
“Nothing. It’s just been a long time since you’ve fooled around like this. I missed it.” She smiled and brushed snow from his hair.
“Let me up, it’s cold down here,” she said. Jude rolled off of her and then held out his hand to help her up. When she was standing he started to walk away. Mary Elizabeth held on to his hand and he looked at her.
“What?” She put her arms around him and held him tightly.
“Thank you.” His arms slid around her and he played with the ends of her hair.
“Sure thing,” he said, pulling away. She took his hand in hers and they walked back up to the apartment.
Mary Elizabeth looked at the flier she’d gotten that day in her college mailbox. It was for a winter dance. She sighed and glanced out her bedroom window. It was snowing again. It seemed like it had snowed every day since they’d come back four days before.
“Hey what’s up?” a voice asked from the doorway. She looked up and smiled at Jude.
“Nothing.” He walked in and sat down on the edge of her bed.
“What’s that?” he questioned, motioning to the piece of paper. She shrugged.
“Just a flier for some stupid dance,” she muttered. He took it from her and read.
“Sounds like fun.” She gave another shrug.
“I guess.”
“Don’t you want to go?” he asked. She chuckled, a little bitterly.
“What would I do at a dance Jude? Watch all the cute couples dance?”
“No. You’d have a good time because you’d be with me.” She looked at him and smiled.
“I’m sure you could find a date that’d be more fun than me.”
“Demi Moore isn’t available that night, so I suppose I can settle for the second most fun girl I know.”
“Who would that be?” He gave her shoulder a playful slug.
“You dummy. So will you go with me?” She smiled.
“Yeah. I’ll have to go buy a dress. It’s a formal you know.”
“I changed my mind. I don’t dress up for anyone.”
“Yes you do.” He grinned and stood up.
“OK, ok, I’ll wear a tie,” he said as he walked out.
“Jude!” she chastised. He laughed, but said nothing.
Mary Elizabeth and Jude walked into the dance hall. She was wearing a silver satin dress that had sparkly snowflakes all over it, held up by spaghetti straps. Her hair was piled on top of her head. Jude was actually wearing a tuxedo.
“I think we should eat,” he said. She laughed.
“If I eat, my dress won’t fit anymore.” Jude grinned.
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about. We can dance if you want.” She smiled.
“I knew you’d see it my way,” she said, grabbing his hand and leading him on to the dance floor.
Jude was sitting at a table alone. Mary Elizabeth had gone to the bathroom almost ten minutes before and he was beginning to wonder what was taking her so long. He glanced around and saw her standing by the window watching a couple. They were dancing in each other’s arms, slowly, even though it was a fast song. Mary Elizabeth looked like she was ready to cry. Jude stood up and walked around the dance floor. He approached her from behind and touched her shoulder gently. She turned around just the song ‘Wasted Time’ by the Eagles started playing. Her green eyes were shining with tears, but she smiled bravely.
“Hey.”
“Hey. I thought you’d found prince charming.” She shook her head and bit her bottom lip. “Wanna dance?” She nodded and he pulled her into his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder and put her arms around his neck. Her hands were on the back of his head. Jude swayed back and forth in time with the music, gently rubbing her back. She sniffled and wiped tears from her face with her left hand
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. He shook his head.
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to be happy.” She closed her eyes and felt more tears slide down her cheeks.
“I’m having a good time believe it or not.” He smiled.
“I know.”
“You should’ve gone with a girl who wouldn’t break down at the sight of a couple slow dancing to a fast song.” He laughed softly.
“I didn’t want to go with another girl; I wanted to go with you.” She gave a little nod and they danced in silence. Jude bowed his head and buried his face in her bare shoulder. Mary Elizabeth slid her hand to the back of his neck and she gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Maybe you’re the crazy one. Maybe it’s not me,” she said. He pulled away slightly, his blue eyes burning into her green ones.
“You’re not crazy, you’re hurting. There’s a difference.”
“Not much.” He brushed tears from her cheeks with his thumbs and pulled her back against his chest.
“Do you want to leave?” he asked. After a moment of silence she shook her head.
“Not right now.”
“When?”
“Never as long as we can stay like this.” He smiled; she knew because his face was against her neck.
“I’ll slow dance to fast songs with you,” he offered. She laughed but he could hear the sorrow in it.
“Every fast song from now until the dance is over?” she asked. He nodded slowly.
“If that’s what it takes to cheer you up.”
“All it takes is you,” she whispered.
“I’m that good am I?” She nodded and tightened her hold on him. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She rested her cheek against his shoulder. Jude let his chin rest on the top of her head and they danced in silence until the song was over. When it was, they stood there in the middle of the dance floor holding one another. She took a deep breath and said, “Let’s go.”
“Are you sure?” She nodded.
“I’m sure.” He took off his tux jacket and put it over her shoulders.
“It’s cold out. I don’t want you to get sick.” They walked outside; it was snowing again. She smiled.
“I’m getting sick of snow.” He looked at her for a long moment. She was looking up at the sky and snowflakes had landed in her hair and on her eyelashes. She glanced at him and smiled again. “You’ll be the one who gets sick if we don’t get moving. Come on.” She put her arm around his waist and they walked to his car.
Jude sat in his room after they got home, his tuxedo shirt un-tucked, unbuttoned, and the sleeves rolled up. Mary Elizabeth was in the shower, but he had just heard the water go off.
“Hey M.E!” he called.
“Yeah?”
“You up for a movie night?”
“Yeah, I think so.” He walked down the hall to the bathroom. She was standing at the sink brushing her teeth, wearing a towel. Her hair was wrapped on top of her head with another towel.
“You and your towels.” She looked at him in the mirror.
“You and your I’m a romance novel cover model shirt.” He laughed.
“Hey, we’ve all got to be good at something.”
“I’ll go pick out movies. Where are we watching?”
“My TV is the biggest,” he said.
“OK. I claim the bed,” she said as she walked out.
“I don’t think so!”
When the movie was over Jude pushed the rewind button on the remote and glanced at Mary Elizabeth. She was lying on her side facing him, her head on his chest. Her hair was down and falling across her cheek. Jude brushed several strands from her face.
“M.E?” he whispered.
“What?” she murmured. He smiled.
“Movie’s over. Do you want to go to your room?” She shook her head groggily and put her arm around his waist.
“No. I’m warm.” He grinned and turned off the TV.
“OK. Scoot over.” She did as he said and watched as he lay down. He rolled on to his side so his back was to her. She touched his arm gently. “Yeah?” he muttered.
“Look at me for a second.” He rolled over.
“What’s up?”
“Thank you for everything tonight,” she whispered.
“You don’t have to keep saying that to me. It’s my job to be there for you… a job I like I might add.” She smiled.
“I’m glad.” He looked at her for a long moment and then rubbed his hand over his face roughly.
“Goodnight M.E,” he said, starting to roll over. She caught his shoulder.
“Did I say something wrong?” He shook his head slowly. He was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.
“Nope. I’m just tired.” She sat up a little and put her forearms on his chest so she could look at him.
“Are you sure that’s it?” He nodded, forcing a smile.
“Yeah. Come here and play teddy bear. I’m freezing.” She moved closer, putting her arm around his waist and snuggling her head under his chin. Jude wrapped his arms around her waist.
“Night,” she whispered.
“Goodnight.”
Mary Elizabeth began to notice things weren’t right with her and Jude when they were home for Christmas break. They still spent a lot of time together, but he seemed bored with her. They were sitting in his living room on Christmas Day watching the fire burn in the fireplace when she decided to bring it up.
“Jude?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you sick of being my friend?” she asked. He looked at her, surprised.
“What?”
“It seems like you’re bored with me… my mood swings and my problems. If you are…” He cut her off.
“I’m not. I like you and everything that comes with you.” She laughed and hit his shoulder.
“You’re horrible.” He grabbed her hand and placed a gentle kiss on the back of it.
“Yeah, but you still love me don’t you?” She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder.
“I sure do.”
There was a New Year’s Eve Party at the O’Connor’s that year. Mary Elizabeth wore a new navy blue sweater and a pair of jeans. The Mylott’s were invited, along with many of her parents’ friends. It was almost midnight and she was sitting on a window seat in her father’s study, away from everyone else. Suddenly Jude was there.
“What’re you doing here all by yourself?” he asked. She shrugged.
“Thinking.”
“About what.”
“Last year and what I was doing then.”
“Oh. You mean you and…” She cut him off.
“Yeah.”
“The ball is going to drop soon. Don’t you want to go in the other room and count down?
“Not really.”
“Mind if I keep you company?”
“Of course not,” she said with a smile. From the living room they could hear her mother saying that there was only one minute until midnight.
“Almost here,” he said. She nodded and looked out the window.
“It doesn’t feel like it’s been six months, or like it should be New Years.”
“I know.” People in the other room were counting down: ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Jude looked at her and said, “Happy New Year M.E.” She looked at him and smiled.
“Happy new Year.” They hugged for a long time. Jude pulled away slightly and they looked at one another.
“Kiss me you fool,” he kidded. She smiled and closed her eyes as he leaned closer to kiss her. It was just a friendly kiss at first, but then she put her hand on the back of his head. Jude moved closer and kissed harder. All the noise from the living room seemed to vanish; all the noisemakers and tidings of good cheer disappeared. Mary Elizabeth put her hand on his chest and pushed him away. She drew in a deep breath and looked away from him. “I think you should go,” she whispered. Jude raked his fingers through his black hair.
“Come on M.E. don’t…”
“Please just go. Please.” She was on the verge of tears and he didn’t want to leave her. “Jude go.” He stood up slowly and walked to the door.
“I’m not going to apologize for that,” he said, pausing at the door with his back to her. When she glanced away from the window he was already gone. She let her head rest against the wall behind her and looked out the window. She could see Jude walking out to his truck. She sighed and put her hand against the glass. He didn’t look at the window. He didn’t even look at the house as he started the truck and drove away.
Jude and Mary Elizabeth went back to Connecticut a week later. For the first week they didn’t talk to one another. On Friday she walked into the apartment and down the hall to her room. She put her books down on the desk and then walked out toward the kitchen. She turned the corner and ran into Jude. They looked at each other for a minute and then she brushed past him.
“Sorry,” he said. She shrugged and opened the refrigerator
“It’s not a big deal.” She grabbed a can of soda and turned to leave. Jude was standing in the doorway. “Excuse me,” she muttered.
“Are we ever going to talk to one another normally again?” he demanded.
“I don’t want to get into this now.”
“When would you prefer Mary Elizabeth? In a month? A year? Never?” She sighed. “This won’t go away! It won’t just fade with time.”
“I don’t expect it to.”
“Yes you do. You think that if you avoid me long enough it’ll disappear. It won’t.”
“What would you like me to do Jude? Would you like me to pretend I’m OK? Would you like me to say that David means nothing to me? What?”
“David is dead Mary Elizabeth. I’d like you to realize that.” Her eyes narrowed angrily and she brought her hand across his face. Jude’s head snapped to the side and he brought his hand up to the spot she’d hit. “Does it hurt to hear that? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say it.”
“Shut up!”
“No. He’s dead and he has been for almost seven months. Your life didn’t stop when his did.”
“I wish it had,” she muttered. Jude grabbed her shoulders and gave her a shake.
“Damn it M.E. there’s more to life than what you had with David. You’ve got a good future and you’re willing to throw it all away because David couldn’t handle it.”
“Why are you doing this?
“Doing what?”
“Everything you’ve done since New Years!”
“You mean why did I kiss you?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“That’s what you meant though, right?” She didn’t answer. “That’s what I thought. I kissed you because I’ve wanted to for a long time.”
“How long?”
“Very long. Years.”
“Why didn’t…” Jude cut her off.
“I have a question for you.”
“OK.”
“Why did you kiss me back? Hell, Mary Elizabeth, why did you let me kiss you in the first place?” he demanded, releasing her shoulders.
“I…”
“Maybe it wasn’t me you were kissing. Maybe you were thinking of David.” She looked at him angrily, wanting to lie and say she had been thinking of David. “Come on M.E. who was it? Me or the dearly departed?”
“Why don’t you guess and see who you come up with?” she shot back. He frowned. “I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking that you were my best friend and that was who I was kissing New Years Eve.”
“What about when you knew it wasn’t like that? Who was it then?” She swallowed hard and bit her bottom lip. “Don’t want to tell me?” She shook her head slowly. “Then I’ll guess and say that it was David.” She looked at him with sad eyes. “That’s a shitty thing to do M.E.” He turned to go.
“I wasn’t thinking of David,” she said quietly. He turned and looked at her. “I wasn’t thinking about anyone or anything. I was just there.” He laughed bitterly.
“Nobody’s ‘just there’ for a kiss like that Mary Elizabeth. Not even you.”
“You know what? Forget about it. I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Nothing. I don’t want anything from you,” he muttered, stalking from the room.
Mary Elizabeth’s track team threw a fund raising dance several weeks later. Jude was there, but they still weren’t speaking. She sat at one of the tables watching people dance; more precisely she was watching Jude dance with a gorgeous blonde girl. Mary Elizabeth knew her name was Laurie and that she was a sophomore. With a sigh she turned away. Suddenly a familiar song started playing. Mary Elizabeth’s heart skipped a beat and she froze. It was ‘Breathe a Sigh’ by Def Leppard. It had also been her song with David. She felt tears come to her eyes and she started to shake. With a deep breath she stood up and started for the door. Someone grabbed her hand. It was a guy named Mark.
“Hey Mary Elizabeth. Do you want to dance?” he asked.
“No thanks.”
“Aw… come on.”
“Let me go!” she exclaimed. He held up his hands in mock surrender.
“Fine,” he muttered. She spun around and hurried from the building.
She’d sat outside for a long time when someone draped a jacket around her shoulders. She took a deep breath and could tell from the cologne it was Jude’s jacket.
“Are you OK?” he questioned, sitting down on the picnic table beside her. She brushed tears from her face.
“Do you care?” He sighed.
“Let’s not do that. I didn’t come out here to fight with you.” She swallowed hard.
“I know. I’m OK I guess.”
“Really?” She looked at him and smiled.
“No,” she said truthfully. He nodded and thought for a minute.
“I heard the song and looked for you where I saw you last, but you weren’t there. I asked about twenty people if they’d seen you before I found Mark Wright. He told me that you’d hurried outside.”
“Good detective work gumshoe,” she muttered. He glanced at her. Her hair was down and she was wearing a gray sweater, jeans, and hiking boots.
“Thanks. I was worried when I couldn’t find you.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” She looked at him and sighed.
“Yeah. You should probably go back in.”
“Why?”
“You wouldn’t want to keep Laurie waiting.”
“Jealous?” he shot back. She sighed.
“I thought you didn’t want to fight.”
“You’re the one starting things. What do you care if I dance with another girl? You haven’t even talked to me in almost three weeks.”
“I thought you weren’t talking to me.”
“I would’ve but I’ve got a conflicting issue.”
“Which is?” He looked at her seriously.
“The fact that I think about New Year’s Eve every time I look at you.”
“You probably shouldn’t think about that.”
“Why not?”
“The fact that I’m in love with my dead boyfriend should serve as a deterrent.” He smiled and nodded.
“I know it should.” She took a deep breath and looked at him. He had his left arm resting on his knee. His cheek was in his hand and he was looking at her seriously. He was wearing a navy blue hooded sweatshirt and a pair of khaki slacks.
“I should tell you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“New Year’s Eve,” she began, but Jude cut her off.
“Maybe neither of us should think about that M.E.”
“Let me talk. This is important for you to know.”
“OK.”
“That night… you asked me who I was thinking of that night. It wasn’t David.”
“You told me you weren’t thinking of anyone or anything.”
“That wasn’t exactly true.”
“What exactly is true M.E?” She looked at her hands for a moment.
“I was thinking of you.”
“I don’t want you to say that unless you’re telling the truth.”
“You actually think I could lie about this Jude? I wouldn’t get your hopes up, and I wouldn’t say it unless I meant it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“I didn’t want you to think it meant anything. I wasn’t sure how you’d take it.”
“I’m not sure how I take it now.”
“At least you’re honest.” They were silent for a long time.
“I don’t know what you want to do,” he said suddenly.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I have serious feelings for you. They’re not going to go away any time soon.”
“You’d better tell Laurie that.” He sighed.
“Come on M.E.”
“I’m just kidding. I think we should just see what happens.”
“You’re going to have to talk to me and tell me the truth if something does happen. I don’t care if you tell me you’re thinking of David… whatever. I need to know.”
“OK.”
“Do you want to go home?” She nodded slowly.
“Yeah I think so.” He stood up and held his hand out to her. She took it and he pulled her to her feet.
“Let’s go,” he said. They walked toward the parking lot still holding hands.
The end of the first term came quickly. Jude and Mary Elizabeth moved back home. She had a job at the local youth center and he worked at the local gym. One afternoon in late June, Mary Elizabeth walked into the gym looking for Jude. She said hello to the guy at the front desk.
“Have you seen Jude?”
“Yeah, he’s down in the weight room.”
“Thanks.” She walked down the hall and went downstairs. She could hear music, Def Leppard, playing. She opened the door and stepped into the weight room. Jude was laying a bench, pressing what looked to be about one hundred and seventy pounds. He was wearing a pair of black shorts and no shirt. She swallowed hard and cleared her throat.
“Hey,” he muttered, putting the bar on the rack and sitting up. She was staring at him, her mouth hanging open. Her hair was in a ponytail and she was wearing a pair of jeans shorts and a white tank top.
“Hey,” she said after a moment. He grabbed his T-shirt and put it over his shoulder.
“Something wrong?”
“Not really. When’d you get so ripped?” He smiled.
“Awhile ago. We weren’t talking so I had to find something to do with my time.”
“From the looks of it you spent your time well.” He flexed his right bicep.
“Like that do ya?” he asked. She smiled and shook her head slowly.
“It’s a good start.”
“You’d better run because I’m going to get you,” he warned. Mary Elizabeth put her hands on her hips.
“What are you going to do?” she demanded.
“I’ll think of something,” he assured her, starting toward her. She turned and ran from the room with Jude not far behind. She gave him a good chase; she’d always been faster, but she didn’t know her way around. She ran until she reached a dead end, and then turned to face him. They were both breathless and smiling. “Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,” he said. She laughed and watched as he approached her. His shirt, which had been folded over his shoulder, had fallen off in the beginning of the chase.
“I was just kidding,” she said. Jude laughed.
“Too late,” he replied, grabbing her around the waist from behind and tickling her. She let out a squeal and started to giggle.
“Stop!” she exclaimed breathlessly. She turned her head and tried to get her arms free. Their eyes met and he stopped tickling her. Mary Elizabeth’s smile faded and she swallowed hard. He put his hand on the side of her face and kissed her gently. She turned toward him, putting one hand on his shoulder and one on his waist. It was the first time they’d kissed since New Year’s Eve. Jude pulled away and rested his forehead against hers.
“You OK?” She bit her bottom lip.
“Yeah.” He stepped back and raked his fingers through his hair. They stood on opposite sides of the hallway leaning on the walls.
“I didn’t plan on that,” he muttered.
“I know. It’s OK, really. I was just surprised.”
“Who were you thinking of?” She looked at him seriously.
“You. I didn’t have time to think of anything else.”
“OK.” They were silent for a long time. “So… what brought you here today?” he asked.
“Tomorrow’s the anniversary of… well, you know. My parents aren’t going to be home. I wanted to know if you’d come over and watch movies with me or something.”
“Sure, sounds like fun.”
“Yeah, a barrel of laughs.” He smiled.
“I’ll be over around seven.”
“OK.”
“Come on, I’ll help you find your way out of here.” She smiled.
“I was hoping you’d say that, because I’d never get out on my own.” He laughed and they walked back up the hall together.
Jude and Mary Elizabeth sat in her living room late that night. They movie ‘Roadhouse’ was almost over.
“I’ve seen this movie way too many times,” she said. He smiled.
“Me too.” She was curled up at one end of the couch and he was at the other.
“What should we watch next?” He glanced at her.
“I think we should go to sleep after this,” he said.
“I’m not tired,” she muttered.
“Yeah you are. You can barely keep your eyes open.” She sighed. “Listen, I know that you’re thinking about David.” She sat up and brought her knees up to her chest.
“It’s hard not to think about it… walking into that room and seeing him like that.” He sat up and put his arms around her legs, leaning his chin on her knees.
“I know. I saw it too M.E.” She nodded. “You can’t dwell on that or you’ll lose it, and I’ll lose you too.” She looked at him with big eyes.
“You won’t lose me.” He nodded.
“I can’t lose something I’ve never had can I?” Mary Elizabeth touched the side of his face.
“You are the only person in my life that matters anymore. You make me happy and you make me forget all the bad. Nobody else does that.”
“What if I want more?” he asked. She shrugged.
“I don’t know.”
“I think it’ll work, even if you think of David sometimes.” She didn’t say anything. “What happened yesterday wasn’t a little peck on the cheek M.E.”
“I know.” She let out the breath she’d been holding and muttered, “Boy do I know.”
“Can you actually walk away from that?” When she didn’t answer he sighed and moved away from her slowly. “The fact of the matter is that I’m here and he’s not. I want to be with you and he never will be again.” Her eyes flashed angrily.
“I know that too Jude.” He reached out and gave her hand a squeeze.
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I know what you meant.”
“You’re mad at me and I’m just trying to tell you what I think.” She nodded. “I can’t walk away from what happened and what I’m feeling.” She took a deep breath and looked away from him for a moment.
“I don’t want you to walk away from it. I just don’t know how to love David and have feelings for you. I’m not sure how that’s suppose to work.”
“Do you have feelings for me?” She looked at him.
“I thought you had that figured out. Of course I do… or I wouldn’t have kissed you back yesterday.” He raked his fingers through his hair.
“That had me confused. I didn’t know if I imagined it.”
“You didn’t,” she said with a shake of her head.
“That’s good.”
“I guess so.”
“You guess so?” She nodded.
“Yeah. This complicates a lot of things.”
“It doesn’t have to.”
“Yeah it does. There’s no way around it. It’ll be weird and confusing no matter what we do.”
“It hasn’t been weird M.E, not so far anyway.”
“I still love David. That’s going to be weird for you and for me. That can’t be a healthy start to a relationship.”
“You can love David and have something with me… that’s OK.”
“Is it?”
“Just because you love him doesn’t mean there’s no room for me.” He reached out and put his hand on her knee. “I think you’re scared to make a new start because you don’t want to lose again. You won’t lose me Mary Elizabeth, not ever.”
“I’m afraid I’ll lose you and I’m afraid you’ll hate me.”
“Never.” She smiled at him and swallowed.
“This is a crazy situation isn’t it?” Jude shrugged.
“I guess. I never thought I’d be able to tell you how I feel and I really never thought you’d even be considering getting involved with me.”
“I’m already kind of involved aren’t I?”
“I don’t know, are you?”
“Yeah. I’m very involved.” She looked at him seriously. “This is definitely crazy.” Jude nodded slowly.
“Crazy,” he agreed, moving closer. Mary Elizabeth put her hand on the back of his neck and kissed him gently. Jude put one of his hands on her waist and pulled her closer. The kiss went on for a long time, and later neither one could say who initiated the touching. In the end it didn’t matter anyway. Jude was on top of her and had his hands up her shirt. Her hands were up his shirt too.
“Totally crazy,” she whispered. He cleared his throat and moved off of her.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for that. I wanted that to happen.”
“OK.” They were silent for a few minutes. “Wow,” he muttered. She smiled.
“Wow is right. That felt really good, didn’t it?”
“Yeah. Too good.” She reached over and took his hand.
“This is going to be complicated no matter what isn’t it?”
“Probably.”
“We probably shouldn’t live together when we go back to Yale.”
“Why not?” She looked at him incredulously.
“Think about it for two seconds and I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You’re a smart guy.”
“Don’t think I can control myself?” he kidded.
“I think that both of us together will have a problem controlling ourselves if we’re together all the time. I don’t wan this to move too fast.”
“It won’t. I don’t want either of us to move out M.E. I’m getting use to having you around. I like having you around.”
“Even when I walk around wearing a towel?”
“Especially when you walk around wearing a towel.”
“You’re horrible.”
“I know. Don’t you love it?”
“I guess so.”
“You guess so?”
“I absolutely love it,” she promised.
“I knew it. Come on, I’ll walk you up to your room and tuck you in.” He stood up and pulled her to her feet.
“I’m really not tired.” He raised an eyebrow.
“Are we back to that argument again?” She smiled.
“I guess it’s kind of pointless to argue with you about anything.” He nodded and led her upstairs.
The second semester at Yale began much the same as the first had. The only real difference was that Jude and Mary Elizabeth were an item.
“Jude, I’m going to track. We’ve got a meet tonight.”
“Good luck.” She was standing in the doorway of his room wearing a pair of tear away pants and a sweatshirt. Her hair was pulled back in a French braid.
“Thanks. I won’t be back until late. It’s an away meet.”
“OK.” He stood up, walked toward her and kissed her.
“I won’t wait up.” She grinned.
“Thanks a lot,” she murmured, turning and walking out.
“Anytime M.E!” he called.
When Jude woke up the next morning he walked down to Mary Elizabeth’s room to see how the track meet had gone. To his surprise she wasn’t there.
“M.E. are you here?” he called as he walked to the living room. He didn’t receive an answer. He stood in the middle of the room, a puzzled expression on his face. “Where the heck is she?” he muttered.
By mid-afternoon Jude was getting very worried about Mary Elizabeth. He’d talked to several of her teammates who said that she won all three of her events and then she drove away from the school after the meet. He drove around for hours looking for her, but had no luck. He stopped at around 3:30 to grab a bite to eat at McDonalds.
“Hey Jude!” a voice called. He turned and smiled weakly when he saw Mark Wright.
“Hey mark.”
“I saw Mary Elizabeth earlier,” Mark began.
“You did? Where?” Jude demanded anxiously.
“At the track. She was doing laps and she looked exhausted.” Jude sighed with relief.
“Thanks a lot Mark,” he said, standing up and starting for the door.
“Jude you forgot your food!”
“Keep it!”
Jude sat in his car and watched Mary Elizabeth for several minutes before he got out of the car and walked onto the track. She was running; sweat was pouring down her face. Her hair was falling from its braid.
“M.E!” he called. She glanced at him and frowned, but kept running. Jude jogged after her and caught up easily. “You must’ve been running for a long time if I can catch up with you,” he said.
“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not. You haven’t slept, so something must be bothering you.” She shook her head.
“Nope.” Jude grabbed her elbow and pulled her to a stop.
“Come on M.E. cut the bull. What’s bugging you?”
“Nothing,” she said breathlessly. He put his hand on the side of her sweaty face.
“Don’t start lying to me. What happened that go you so upset?” She started to cry suddenly and Jude frowned. “Mary Elizabeth, what’s going on?” he demanded, putting his arms around her. She shook her head and sobbed harder.
Mary Elizabeth woke early the following morning, unsure of what exactly had happened. The sun wasn’t even up yet, and her clock read four a.m. She got up, walked out of the room and down the hall. Jude was asleep, but she walked into his room anyway. She sat down and touched the side of his face. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled at her.
“Hey sleeping beauty. What time is it?” he murmured.
“Four a.m.” His smile faded.
“Why did you wake me up? Are you OK?” She nodded slowly.
“I think so.” He moved over and patted the bed beside him.
“Come here and lay with me.” She curled up next to him.
“You’re warm.”
“I know. Talk to me and tell me what happened.”
“It’s going to hurt your feelings. I don’t want to do that.”
“I can handle it.”
“Are you sure?” He nodded.
“I’m positive.”
“OK. Do you remember Sarah and Jen Harper?”
“The twins from high school?” She nodded. “Yeah. What about them?”
“They were at my meet the other day and they… well they said they couldn’t believe my nerve.”
“What?”
“They said it took some nerve to date you when David was such a good friend to you, and because he and I were together so long. They also said that I was an ‘unloyal jerk’ along with several other expletives that I’d rather not repeat.”
“And you listened to them?” She nodded slowly.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because they said it! It hurt my feelings Jude.”
“That wouldn’t have bothered you so much if you were completely over David.” Mary Elizabeth sat up angrily.
“I never said I was completely over David.” Jude sat up too, looking at her with angry and hurt eyes.
“After all this time I thought…” She cut him off.
“It’s been a year and four months Jude. I never said I was over David because I’m not. Thinking about him makes me sad and I still miss him. A lot.”
“Do you still love him?”
“I’m always going to love David.”
“Oh.” She sighed.
“Would you like it better if I lied to you and said I didn’t miss him and that I stopped loving him the minute I decided to make a commitment to you?”
“It doesn’t sound like you’re that committed to me,” he muttered.
“I can’t believe you just said that to me! I wouldn’t be with you if I wasn’t committed to you.”
“How can you possibly be committed to me if you’re n love with your dead boyfriend?”
“My boyfriend isn’t dead, he’s right here,” she said, reaching out and touching his cheek. “Jude I love you and I want to be with you. You’re not competing with David… he’s dead. I spent a lot of my life with him, so of course I love him and miss him. Isn’t that allowed?” He didn’t say anything. “I don’t need your permission to miss David. I bet you miss him.”
“Of course I do. It’s different for me though.”
“No it’s not. If you have the right to miss him so do I.” Jude sighed. “You can’t have it both ways. You act like you’re sharing me with David and you’re not. You’ve got me.”
“You make it sound so simple M.E, but it’s not.”
“What could be simpler? You’re the one making it hard.” She sighed softly. “I don’t want to fight with you. I hate fighting with you.”
“I hate fighting with you too, but…” She cut him off.
“No buts. If we both hate fighting then let’s not fight. Jude I don’t want to dwell on this for the rest of our lives. It’ll ruin any relationship we want to have.”
“I know.”
“You don’t want that do you?” He looked at her seriously.
“Of course not.”
“Good.”
Mary Elizabeth knelt in front of the grave marker and put the flowers down.
“Well David, it’s been another year. I miss you,” she murmured. She was silent for a moment.
“Mommy!” a voice called. Mary Elizabeth turned and smiled at her three year old daughter Zoe.
“What honey?”
“Daddy’s hiding and I can’t find him.”
“Look behind that tree over there,” she replied, pointing to a large oak.
“OK.” Mary Elizabeth watched for a moment before turning back to the grave.
“Ten years is a long time, but things are good here. Take care of yourself,” she whispered, kissing her hand and placing it on the headstone. She stood up and started back toward the car. When she reached the oak tree Jude jumped out, holding Zoe.
“Look Mommy, I found Daddy!” the little girl exclaimed. Mary Elizabeth smiled and took Jude’s hand.
“Good job sweetheart. Why don’t we go home and have some lunch?” Zoe clapped her hands as Jude put her in her car seat. When he was done he closed the door and looked at Mary Elizabeth.
“Are you OK?” She nodded and smiled.
“Yeah. I’m wonderful. Let’s go home.” He smiled, gave her a kiss, and walked around to his side of the car. Mary Elizabeth gave one last look to the long row of headstones, then smiled and got into the car. Zoe was singing ‘Old McDonald.’ Jude glanced at his wife and grinned.
“I think we have a future Broadway star back there M.E,” he said. She smiled and took his hand.
“Well there’s something to look forward to,” she murmured as they drove away
