There’s No Crying in Baseball
Josh and his family had been going to the lake for the summer ever since he could remember. He knew all the other kids his age, had in fact grown up with most of them. Seventeen years of summers spent hiking, swimming, fishing, playing baseball, and getting tanned. Seventeen years of friends looking forward to seeing each other for only three glorious months. Much had changed in seventeen years though. Josh, once outgoing and fun loving had become inward and stoic. He hid behind the lens of his camera even at the lake… especially at the lake. There were pictures of old friends, but no more baseball games or fishing trips.
Early one morning as Josh sat on the porch, a flash of movement caught his eye. The sun was just up and beginning to burn the fog off the lake. He stood slowly, picking up his camera and going through the cluster of trees. He stood at the edge of the lake, leaning against the trunk of a massive pine tree, and his eyes scanned the water. Her hair was flowing around her shoulders in auburn waves. She was clad in a navy blue bathing suit, her arms hanging loosely by her sides. Josh brought the camera to his eye and focused on her. He took two pictures of her staring out at the lifting fog, then snapped two more; the first one was taken as she took flight off the rocks, the second as she made contact with the water… a perfect dive. Josh drew in a breath and prepared to take another picture as she surfaced.
“Josh! Come up here and help me finish unpacking the car!” his mother called suddenly. He glanced up at the cabin, a scowl on his face.
“We should’ve unpacked the car when we got here,” he muttered. He gave one final glance to the water. She had pulled herself on to the floating raft and was looking at him. She held up her hand and waved. Josh turned and trudged up to the cabin.
His mother asked him to walk to the small grocery store that afternoon. She had forgotten to bring bread. He walked into the store, still brooding about her forgetfulness, not watching where he was going. As he rounded the corner to go down an aisle, he ran into someone.
“Oh! I’m sorry,” the person said. Josh brought his eyes up, unable to hide his surprise. It was her, the girl from that morning. Her hair was pulled back in a loose braid, tendrils framing her face.
“Ummm… that’s OK,” he muttered, dropping his gaze again. She was wearing ragged jeans shorts and a white T-shirt.
“I saw you this morning, watching me.”
He glanced up quickly and said, “I hope you don’t mind. I just…”
She cut him off, saying, “I don’t mind. You’ll have to show me the pictures sometime. Josh gave a curt nod.
“Yeah… sure. I gotta’ go.” He began to hurry away, but she put her hand on his elbow.
“Do you have a name?” she asked with a smile.
“Josh… Josh Marshal.”
“I’m Megan Johnson.”
“OK. I gotta’ go.”
“Bye Josh.” He gave her a final nod and waved goodbye.
Josh was sitting in his room several nights later, looking at the pictures of the girl… Megan Johnson. They were good, very good actually. He had caught her grace and beauty on film.
“Honey, someone’s here to see you!” his mother called. Josh sighed and put the photos on his desk. He walked down the hall, glancing at his mother as he walked by the kitchen.
“Who is it?”
“A girl,” she said with a sly smile. Josh frowned.
“A girl?” He went to the front door and out to the porch. Megan was sitting on the railing and smiled when she saw him.
“Hey. I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward… but I don’t know anyone here. I thought we could hang out sometime.” Josh stared at her in disbelief.
“Ummm…”
“That’s alright,” she said quickly. “I understand. You probably have tons of friends here.” Her face had fallen.
“It’s not that… I just don’t know how much fun you’d have with me. I spend a lot of time alone, taking pictures.”
“Well at least you’d have someone to talk to,” she said with a shrug. “I could help too… carry stuff.”
“If you really want to, that’s OK,” he muttered.
“Great. Do you want my phone number or anything?”
“Just show up whenever you want… if I’m not here my Mom will point you in the right direction.”
Megan hopped down from the railing, hugging herself to keep out the chill of the night air. “Are you sure you’re OK with this? I’ll understand if you’re not,” she said, her voice unsure.
“It’s fine. I’ll see you around Megan,” he murmured, turning and walking into the house. Megan stared after him for a moment before turning and walking slowly down the steps.
She was there the following morning, her hair still wet from swimming. Josh was just walking out the front door when she came up the steps.
“Hey,” she greeted, giving him a big smile.
“Hey. I’m just going to hike around for awhile. Do you want to change your shoes?” he asked. Megan glanced down at her flip-flop clad feet.
“Yeah, I guess. We can stop at my cabin on the way.” They walked in silence most of the way.
“This is your cabin?” he demanded when they stopped. She nodded and jogged up the porch steps.
“Yeah. Come on in and meet my Mom.” He looked around, still in awe. It was the biggest cabin on the lake by far. He’d taking pictures of it when it was first built.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude,” he mumbled. Megan grabbed his hand and pulled him along behind her.
“Come on Josh, it’s fine.” They went inside and she called, “Hey Ma! Where’re my hiking boots?”
“The front hall closet!” Mrs. Johnson called back. “Where are you going?” She came out of the kitchen and smiled when she saw Josh. “Oh, we’ve got company.”
“Mom this is Josh. He’s the one I told you about.”
“The one with the camera? Of course! Josh it’s so nice to meet you,” she said, the smile on her face very much the same as Megan’s.
“Same here. This is a beautiful cabin. I have some pictures of it.”
“That’s wonderful. You’ll have to bring them by sometime.” Josh actually smiled.
“Yeah, I’ll do that.” Megan was sitting on the floor tying her boots.
“Where are you two heading?”
“Ask him, he’s the boss,” Megan said, standing up.
“I just wanted to hike around the lake a little ways… take a couple rolls of film and maybe swim,” he explained.
“Just be careful you two. Meg, be back by lunch.”
“Sure Mom,” Megan said, glancing at Josh. “C’mon let’s go.”
“It was nice meeting you Josh, don’t be a stranger!” Mrs. Johnson called as the two walked out. Josh waved over his shoulder, letting the screen door bang shut behind him.
They hung out every day for the next two weeks. She tagged along as Josh took his pictures. Many were of her. Every day though, she had to be in by lunch. She was always back on Josh’s porch by two, ready for another adventure.
“Hey,” he muttered one afternoon. She was sitting on the railing, looking out across the yard. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail, and despite the heat she was wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt over her read tank top. She didn’t look at him.
“Hey.”
Josh frowned, hesitating before reaching out, touching her arm, and asking, “Are you alright?”
“I’m just tired. Do you think we could hang out here tonight?”
“Sure. Do you want to sit by the lake? It’s cooler down there.” She looked at him then and he was surprised at exactly how tired she looked.
“Yeah, I guess.” She slid wearily from the railing. “Could I have something to drink first?”
“Yup. Come on in.” They went into the house, Megan following slowly.
“This is the first time I’ve been inside,” she murmured, looking around.
“Hey Mom, could you get us some ice tea?” Josh called.
“Us? Is Megan here?” she returned.
“Yeah. We’ll be in the living room.” He glanced at Megan and said, “Come on, we can watch TV or something.” Megan gave a little smile and followed him. There were pictures everywhere in the living room. Megan moved around, looking at each one carefully. “Is this you?” she asked, pointing to a picture of a little boy sitting next to a man, both holding fishing poles.
“Yeah,” he muttered, glancing out the window.
“Who’s the guy?” Josh didn’t answer right away, but he looked at the picture sadly.
“That’s my father,” he said finally. She looked around the room; there were many pictures of Josh, his father, and his mother.
“Didn’t he come here this summer?” she asked. Josh looked away again.
“He died,” he said, his voice flat. Megan took a deep breath and then coughed.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” Josh said nothing. “When did he die?”
“When I was fourteen.” He heard her draw in a breath to speak, so he cut her off, “Megan I’d rather not talk about this.”
“OK.” Mrs. Marshal came in and handed them each a glass of tea.
“There ya’ go. Megan it’s so nice to see you.”
“Thanks Mrs. Marshal,” she said with a smile.
“Are you feeling alright dear? You look very tired.”
“Oh, I’m alright. It’s just been a long day.”
“Well get some rest tonight. Josh would be lost without you.”
“Mom!” Josh muttered. Mrs. Marshal winked at Megan.
“You two have fun,” she said, turning and walking from the room. Megan glanced at the picture of Josh and his father again before sitting down. She pulled her messy hair from its ponytail.
“So… you still think I’m photogenic?” she joked. Josh smiled, but said nothing.
Two nights later Josh and Megan sat on her front porch. They had spent the day fishing together.
“Josh?” she said suddenly.
“Yeah?”
“Tell me about your Dad.” Josh was silent, so she looked at him. He was staring out at the lake, his face blank. “I’m just curious. My Mom tells me all the time that I need to learn when to let something drop. Maybe she’s…”
Josh cut her off. “My Dad was pretty great. He bought the house here when I was three… told Mom that every kid needed the great outdoors. He took me and all my friends hiking and fishing. He was great.” She had turned in her chair and was facing him with her arms around her legs, chin resting on her knees. Josh picked up his camera and clicked a picture. Megan rolled her eyes.
“How did he die?”
Josh took another picture and asked, “Why does it matter?” She was frowning in the next picture he took.
“I just want to know.” She reached out and took the camera from him. “How did he die?” Josh sighed and looked back out at the lake. “I talked him into leaving early to come here… my friend Chris had called me and told me all the guys were coming up early to go camping.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I suppose it would’ve been. We got into a car accident on the way here; some idiot ran a red light and hit Dad’s side of the car.”
“Did you and your Mom get hurt?”
“I had a mild concussion and a broken wrist. Mom wasn’t with us. She was coming up the following week.”
“Oh.”
“Wanna’ hear the worst part?” Megan nodded. “My friends didn’t end up getting here until the following week. All of their parents said they had to wait, so it was for nothing.” Megan put her hand over his.
“Would it have made it any better if they had been here? I mean, really…” she trailed of and Josh smiled a little.
“No.” He stood and went to the porch railing.
“Is this why you don’t talk to anybody?” He glanced at her over his shoulder.
“I talk to you.” Megan grinned and went to his side.
“I mean all of your friends from before. Why don’t you talk to them?
“It’s just easier not to.” They were silent for a long time.
“I should probably head home. It’s getting late.” She grabbed his hand.
“You should try to talk to them.” Josh smiled and picked up his camera.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Meg.” She didn’t let go of his hand.
“Thanks for telling me,” she said seriously.
“Sure,” he replied. Megan put her arms around his neck and hugged him. Josh hesitated briefly before putting his arms around her waist and hugging her back. He pulled away slightly after a moment. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.” Megan swallowed hard and said, “You know, it’d be OK if you kissed me.” Josh smiled and then leaned closer and kissed her. After a moment he stepped away.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah. Goodnight.”
Megan wasn’t there the next morning. Josh waited until ten thirty and then walked to her house. Mrs. Johnson was just coming outside.
“Josh, I’m so glad you’re here!”
“Is Megan around?” Mrs. Johnson hesitated.
“No. She’s in the hospital.”
“The hospital? Why?” Josh demanded with a frown.
“Meg is sick Josh… very sick,” she murmured, suddenly looking very tired.
“She’s going to be OK, though,” he said, but he could tell by the look on Mrs. Johnson’s face that she wouldn’t be.
“Why don’t you come with me?” she suggested. Josh hesitated.
“I don’t know… would she mind?” Mrs. Johnson put her hand on his shoulder.
“Come with me hon. She’d love to see you.”
“OK.”
Megan was asleep when they arrived. Mrs. Johnson smiled and went to the side of the bed.
“Would you take a few pictures? Meg told me how good your pictures are.”
“Sure,” he murmured, bring his camera to his eye. He took a couple shots before Megan woke up. She smiled sleepily.
“Do you ever put that thing down?” she demanded. Josh grinned.
“Not when there’s a picture in the making,” he replied. Megan laughed a little and then began to cough. Mrs. Johnson frowned and waited for her to finish.
“So how did Mom con you into coming here?” she asked when she was done.
“She held me at gunpoint,” he joked.
“Mom, I told you to stop doing that,” Megan said with a smile. Mrs. Johnson laughed.
“How do you feel babe?” she asked.
“OK,” Megan assured her. She looked at Josh.
“Hey, give my Mom your camera and have her take our picture,” she said.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Hand it over Josh,” she ordered. He showed Mrs. Johnson how to focus and change the light, and then went to Megan’s side. She scooted over and patted the space beside her. “Hop aboard,” she said with a smile. Josh sat down on the bed next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. She let her head rest on his shoulder.
“Are you ready?” Mrs. Johnson asked.
“Ready,” they said in unison. She took the picture and smiled at them.
“I hope I did it right,” she said. Josh stood and took the camera from her.
“It’ll be fine,” he assured her. Megan began to cough again.
“Ma, go get me some water please,” she said between coughs.
“Sure honey.” Mrs. Johnson left and Megan looked at Josh.
“Let me take your picture.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to. Please?” He handed her the camera and sat down on the end of the bed. She brought the camera to her eye and then waited for a moment.
“What’re you waiting for?” he muttered.
“For you to smile.” Josh pasted on a smile. “No, a real one. Think about the day we went hiking, it started to rain, and I fell in the mud.” Josh smiled, remembering the picture he’d taken and how she’d knocked him down. Megan took a picture. “There. I knew you had a smile in there.”
“Yeah.” They were silent for a moment. Josh looked at her; her eyes were closed. “Megan? Why didn’t you tell me?” She smiled a little, but didn’t open her eyes.
“I didn’t become your friend because I was dying. I became your friend because I was alive..”
“You could’ve told me. I wouldn’t have…”
She cut him off, “Yes you would’ve, and it wouldn’t have been your fault.” She began to cough again, just as her mother came back in. Megan took a drink of water and then looked at Josh. “Besides… I’ve got a couple of months left in me,” she said, smiling. Josh couldn’t help but smile back.
Megan died six months later. Josh had visited her nearly every day at the hospital, and also at home when she was allowed to be there. He watched the life slip out of her. He and Mrs. Johnson were both in the hospital room with her when she died that cold January night. The funeral was full of sobbing family members and friends who Josh barely knew. He wore a black suit, and the tied he’d worn to his father’s funeral. Mrs. Johnson gave him her number, tearfully saying goodbye. She also promised to see him the following summer at the lake. Then she was gone.
Mrs. Marshal knocked on the dark room door a week after the funeral.
“Josh?” she called. No answer. “Honey it’s time for dinner,” she said, putting her hand against the door.
“I’m not hungry,” came his muffled response.
Mrs. Marshal frowned and said, “Josh, you have to come eat. I know you’re upset, but…” The door suddenly flew open. Josh stood before her, his eyes hard and angry.
“Mom, I said I’m not hungry. Leave me alone,” he said.
“Honey, I can’t let you sit up here and not eat. I know how much you cared about Megan… I understand…”
Josh’s hand slammed against the wall and he yelled, “You don’t understand a thing… not one damned thing!” The door slammed closed again. Mrs. Marshal sighed, but walked away.
Inside the dark room Josh went back to the picture he’d been working on. He’d exposed it for too long. He looked around at the pictures… pictures of her. With a strangled yell he began ripping them off the drying line, tearing them into pieces. Tears streamed down his face in hot paths as he threw the tattered shreds of photos across the room. Josh sank slowly to the floor, his face and a crumpled piece of the first picture he’d ever taken of Megan in his hands.
They almost didn’t go to the lake that summer. Josh’s grades had been so poor that he had almost ended up in summer school. The combination of bad grades and disciplinary problems made Mrs. Marshal hesitate, but in the end she’d relented thinking that getting away would help. For the first three weeks he sat on the porch staring out at the lake. His camera sat in his bedroom, unused since several weeks before Megan died.
“Josh, there’s a phone call for you!” Mrs. Marshal called early one evening.
“Who is it?” he demanded with a scowl.
“It’s Mrs. Johnson. She’d like to speak to you.” Josh went inside and picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hello Josh. This is Megan’s Mom.”
Josh swallowed hard and thought Megan’s Mom… will she always be Megan’s mom? He said instead, “Hey. I’ve been meaning to come over. I have something for you.”
“Oh. How nice. Why don’t you stop by for lunch tomorrow. It’d be nice to see you.” She sounded sad. That sadness made him hesitate.
“Ummm… I’ll try,” he said finally.
“OK. Please come Josh,” she said.
“I’ll try,” he repeated. “Bye Mrs. Johnson.” He hung up the phone and went back to the porch.
The next afternoon Josh walked to Mrs. Johnson’s house. He could see her, sitting on the front porch holding a glass of ice tea. She smiled a little when she saw him.
“I’m glad you came Josh,” she said, standing up and giving him a hug. Josh stepped away and looked around awkwardly.
“I wanted to give you this,” he said, handing her a black portfolio.
“Josh, what is…” Mrs. Johnson stopped when she opened it and was met with the photo of Megan standing on the rocks that first morning. She turned the pages slowly, running her fingers over the pictures as tears came to her eyes. “Oh this is just beautiful,” she said, brushing tears away. She’d stopped at the first picture he’d taken of Megan that last night on the porch.
Josh swallowed hard and looked away. “I thought you’d like to have them. I made you copies,” he muttered. Mrs. Johnson kept flipping through the pictures. The last one was the one she’d taken that day in the hospital.
“Oh, it came out,” she murmured, running her fingers over the image.
“I told you it would.”
She put her hand on his shoulder and said softly, “Thank you so much.”
“I should go.” She caught his hand.
“Hon… Your Mom told me about what’s been going on with you. You can’t let this tear you up so much. Meg wouldn’t have wanted that.” He looked at her for a long moment and then shook his head.
“I’m fine,” he muttered, looking away.
“She told me about your grades and about all the fights with other kids and teachers. Josh, I understand how you feel, how angry…” she trailed off and began to cry.
Josh swallowed hard and said, “I know you do.” He hesitated a moment before hugging her. “You don’t have to worry about me though. I’ll be OK.”
“I know. You have to be, because that’s what Meg would want.” She stepped away from him and wiped her eyes. “I’m not saying that you’ve got to go back to being wonderful, or anything close to that. I’d be the last person to say that. You can’t let losing her ruin your life though hon.” She was still crying, only not as hard. Josh nodded.
“OK. I’ll try harder,” he promised, brushing his own tears away. Mrs. Johnson touched the side of his face gently and smiled a little.
“You enjoy your summer… and don’t be a stranger. You’re always welcome here.” They were silent for a long moment. “Josh thank you for these pictures,” she said, breaking the silence.
“No problem. I liked making them… hell, I liked taking them.” He frowned, realizing exactly what he’d said. “Sorry.”
“That’s alright. Megan told me how good you were. You should think about doing it for a living. You really are good.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Another silence followed. “I should go,” he muttered.
“Please don’t be a stranger. I’d love to see you every once in awhile.”
“I’ll stop by.” Mrs. Johnson watched as he walked down the steps. She brought the portfolio to her chest and hugged it.
Josh walked slowly around the lake. He sighed and rolled up his shirt sleeves. Up ahead he could hear the sound of people playing baseball. He stopped at the edge of the field and watched for a moment.
“Josh! Hey man, where’ve you been?” a voice called. Josh turned and smiled when he saw Chris Phillips walking toward him.
“I’ve been around.”
“Usually we see you every day at least taking pictures of us. Not this summer.” Josh shrugged. Chris seemed to hesitate. “You feel up to a game?” he asked. Josh hesitated.
“I’m not really…” Chris cut him off.
“Come on Josh, we need a shortstop.” Josh paused, thinking of Megan and what she’d said the last night on her porch.
“OK,” he said, smiling. He and Chris jogged on to the field together. On the sidelines Mrs. Marshal sat with a friend. She saw Josh jog onto the field and smiled. She picked up her camera and took a picture.
