Fadedwords

The black plague of death has descended upon me.  It started Saturday.  Sunday I was feeling so badly that I almost canceled my riding lesson.  I should have canceled the lesson, because after an hour of flailing about, I was completely wiped.

I stayed home from work yesterday, hoping a full day of rest would have me back on my feet.  I tossed and turned all night again last night, coughing and trying to breathe, and woke up this morning feeling worse than I did yesterday.  I slept all morning and am now watching my favorite sick day movie, ‘Hook’.

I feel dreadful.

My parents have supported me at every turn in my life.  They helped me pay for college, which is something I am thankful for every single second of every day.  I would not have been able to go to school without their help.  When I wanted to go to a private college, a small school that was 3 hours from home simply because they had an amazing equestrian program… they helped make it happen.  I went there and always understood that my grades needed to be Bs or better, or if it was a math class I could squeak by with a C.  I understood that my parents were putting up financial resources for me to be at that school, and that quitting was not an option.  When I went to graduate school I made sure that I found a job that would pay 80% of my tuition.  My parents had already done enough.

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Today would have been my 4 year anniversary.

Instead, it’s just a reminder now of how screwed up everything is.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

This has been an exhausting week.

I’m responsible for administering the listening, reading, and writing test to all of our ESL students (English as Second Language).  This has me in testing from 9-10:30 and then 1-2:30 every day.  From 10:30-11:30 I try to get caught up on anything around here that I can, and then I do lunch duty, eat my lunch, and then go back in to test.  After this week I have at least two more days next week that will be full of testing.  Then after that I will begin screening kids for EC services.  I have about 18 to complete prior to the first of March.  That will be interesting.

Jake had his wisdom teeth removed yesterday.  They took all four of them out, leaving him groggy and in some substantial pain.  He stayed with me last night, and may stay with me tonight.  I told him he could stay as long as he felt that he needed to.  He’s going to Phoenix on Sunday for work, so obviously he’ll be heading back home before then.  I’m planning ot make mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese tonight for dinner because they’re soft and his favorite.  Hopefully the combination of the two will lead to him eating.  Last night we tried chicken noodle soup and it ended with him feeling nauseous.  Yay anesthesia and vicodin!

Things with my brother had been going fine until a couple nights ago.  My Mom got a call from Sean saying they were sending him home because he has ADHD.  Long story (very) short: he disclosed this fully, is not on meds and hasn’t been in over a year.  Both he and my parents spoke about his ADHD with his recruiter, and Sean put it on all his paperwork.  My Mom and Dad were witnesses to all of this.  Apparently, someone altered his paperwork so it does not show up anywhere that he ever disclosed that he has it.  When he did his “moment of truth” interview, he told them (again) that he has it, and as far as anyone at the base is concerned he didn’t report that prior.  It’s a nightmare.   He has worked so incredibly hard, and he’s been very successful in his training so far.  To have this come up now is devastating for him and for us.  My parents have been on the phone to everyone they can think of, and they’re trying to get things worked out so he can stay.  Of course now he’s so discouraged that he may not want to stay even if he is given that opportunity.  We’re all trying to stay positive, but we only have two weeks to get it worked out.

I’m not looking forward to this weekend.  VD (not venereal disease… the holiday) is on Sunday, and just thinking about it makes me sad.  I’m trying to just pretend it isn’t happening this year.  All those should’ve beens and would’ve beens… *sigh*  Hopefully by this time next year I have something happy going on.  This year I’m thinking of sleeping through it.