Fadedwords

I really love being able to ride again.  But it’s hard not to feel like crap when my new instructor won’t even let me canter yet.  I don’t know what the heck the problem is, but she won’t let me canter.  Apparently I had nothing to worry about with jumping; that’s a long way off from the looks of things.

I’m down today.  I’m frustrated.  There are so many things that are not going the way I wish they were, and I can’t seem to fix any of them.  I no longer know what to do about any of it.  Riding was just the icing on the cake today.

I am in an incredibly rough position financially. Like… incredibly rough. After car payment and cell phone bill, I will have $63 in my checking account that is supposed to last me until the end of the month. That doesn’t include groceries that need to be purchased to get me through, or Weight Watchers cost. It doesn’t include the fact that my car is nearly on empty and I have to put gas in it. It also doesn’t include the fact that my student loans are due on the 27th, and I don’t get paid until the 28th… and that’s another $163 that I don’t have.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I have a very small amount of money in my savings account that is not spoken for. If I take it out to get through this month, that means I have to start over trying to save. There is more money in that account, but it is money I have been putting aside for horseback riding. If I spend that, I will have to cancel riding.

Jake owes me money for groceries, and I feel bad even thinking about it because I know that I have left him hanging on bills in the past. But I know that that $100 would help substantially. I should be geting a mileage reimbursement check next Wednesday for about $102, and I should also be getting a check for providing homebound service… but I don’t know how much that will be for. Those things will help a great deal. But they don’t help me right now.

I am so sick of living like this. I am always struggling, always unable to do anything fun for myself… always worrying. And I don’t know how to fix it. I could cut out Weight Watchers… but damnit it is the only thing that works. Then there’s riding… and I guess that’s what I should not do. But then I think about how much I love that and how it’s the only God damn thing that I love doing. And I think I need to be doing it for my own mental health. But I can’t keep living this way either. All I do is worry about money. I never have any, and if there was an emergency I would be absolutely screwed.

I don’t have time for a second job. I don’t have anything else that I can cut out of my budget. Everything else is a mandatory bill. Mortgage. Cable. Electric. Student Loans. Credit cards. Insurance. Medicine. Groceries. Dog Food. Gas. Cell phone. Car payment. And I refuse to shirk my financial responsibilities in this house anymore; I have been an unreliable mate financially, and it’s not fair to Jake.

And I’m sick of being the kid that turns to her parents or aunt every single time money isn’t working out… which is incredibly often. And if I asked for help I couldn’t even lie and say, “I’ll pay you back” because I couldn’t afford to pay them back. And I don’t want to mooch off of my family; they have their own lives to support. If I’m not worrying about money, I’m feeling guilty and irresponsible because I seem completely unable to manage it effectively. I don’t feel like an adult 90% of the time, because I have this weighing on me all the damn time.

I know that everybody is struggling right now, and that there’s no way to fix this. I’m just incredibly overwhelmed and I don’t know what the hell to do.

90% of the time I’m a patient person.  Or at least that’s how I’ve considered myself.  I’m patient and understanding and generally laid back.  Lately I feel that slipping.

Today there was a fairly major issue in a testing situation.  It is the second such issue, from the same person, this year.  Thankfully it is not an issue (this time) of students having a negative effect, but it is an issue the reflects incredibly poorly on me, my training of staff, and also my principal… because let’s face it, in a school everything goes back to the principal.  I’ve talked with our district testing office, and been reassured that this isn’t an issue that’s about me.  It’s a personnel issue with this teacher.  I’m still so incredibly frustrated that this person continuously disregards what I tell them to do, especially with testing.  I’m also frustrated, because I consider this person a friend. 

I’m frustrated with the fact that there’s a seven year old girl that spent last nigth screaming and crying and begging for someone to make her pain go away, and that the doctor is doing relatively nothing to help right now.  I’m frustrated that I can do little to help, other than stand by and lend a hand, an ear, or write a letter about what I witnessed.  I’m frustrated that cancer even exists.

I’m frustrated with myself and the choices I make sometimes that put me in a bad position.  This goes with food and everything else.  Sometimes I don’t know when to say enough is enough.  I’m frustrated that I let these things bother me as much as they do. 

I’m frustrated that I have a sink full of dishes that need to get done when I get home tonight.  I’m frustrated that I forgot to defrost anything for dinner.  I’m frustrated that I live paycheck to paycheck, and that after I pay my car payment I will have $168 to get me through to the end of the month.  And that doesn’t include the $66 phone bill, or another two week’s worth of groceries.  I’m frustrated with feeling like I am never, ever going to get ahead.  I’m frustrated that I need to clean the house and fold the laundry, but I don’t know when the hell I’ll have time to do that.  I’m frustrated that I absolutely need to work out tonight (and every night the rest of this week), but I don’t have time in between everything else.

I’m frustrated with feeling frustrated, because I feel this way so often lately.

I don’t want to get into a big debate here… but I’m writing about this anyway.  I’ll just preface it by saying that I know 99% of my readers will really want to get into a debate and argue their side.  But I don’t want that, so please resist the temptation.

I started my homebound work with the 1st grade student from my school today.  She is out of school due to a rare form of cancer.  She is going to be 7 in one week.

Now, I fully respect your right to believe in God.  But honestly?  Any God that would allow a child to get cancer isn’t a deity that I’d be interested in getting to know.  And knowing that little kids do get this horrible disease just makes me believe even more strongly that no benevolent deity would allow that to happen.

But that’s the end of my rant for today.  It was a wonderful afternoon, and I feel lucky that I’ve been allowed into this child’s life this way.  On the flip side I’m feeling angry at the cosmos.  With all the real a-holes out there that deserve to be sick and suffering, this sweet kid is the one that ends up sick.  And that’s effed up.

I wrote about the wretched situation with the barn here and then again here.   It’s been weighing on me steadily, and I guess it will just have to continue to do so.

I spoke with Joy today and she apologized again for everything.  She said that they had planned to put me on Sergeant, but that he’s come up with a serious lameness that will take awhile to mend.  She said that they have no horses that weigh 1100lbs, so until I get to 220 riding is a no go.  She said that she had been hoping they could make an exception based upon my riding experience, but the directors at the farm had decided they couldn’t.  She said that Sergeant should be sound by second block, which begins at the end of October.  So even if I’m not quite to 220 by then, I should be able to ride.

Of course this means that the decision is final.  No riding until October.  I have to really try to get to 220 by then, in case this horse is not sound by then.  It means that I have to go right back to square one, and go through that horribly painful experience of torn muscles all over again.  I have to worry about not losing and having to wait even longer.  I have to try to lose enough so that I can take one or two private lessons before group lessons start to stand a chance of not killing or embarrassing myself in front of the group.

It’s just bad news.

I know that people will suggest that exercising will keep the muscles ready, but there is literally no exercise that mimics what horseback riding does to your muscles.  There is no preparation for this.  It’s just starting at square one.

So yeah.  Finally and definitely crappy.