Fadedwords

Happy Accidents (Part 1)

          All her life she’d been on a horse; almost all her life she’d hated it.  It started as a game, a special treat to reward her for a job well done.  It didn’t occur to her that normal parents didn’t reward a five year old for good grades.  For awhile it was fun… she made friends and even enjoyed the sport of it.  Friendships faded in the face of intense competition to win this award and that show.  Three years into it, she was ready to get out.  Unfortunately, natural ability and insistent parents made getting out impossible.  At age twenty, Natalie Ryan was still trapped.

          “Nat, we’ve got a show in two days.  Are you planning on training at all?” her father asked one afternoon.  She was lying on her bed, still wearing pajamas despite the fact that it was nearly two in the afternoon.

          “I’ll get around to it,” she muttered, turning another page in the book she’d been reading.  Mr. Ryan frowned.

          “You haven’t been down to the barn in four days.  I built it to make things more convenient for you,” he said.  Natalie closed her book and ran her fingers through her chin-length, blonde hair.

          “I don’t recall asking you to build anything,” she replied as she stood up and went to her dresser.  She pulled out a pair of black breaches and tossed them to the bed.

          “You were always complaining about having to drive to the barn and train.  This was a matter of convenience and you act even more put out by having your life’s work fifteen feet away.” Natalie had moved to stand by the window, and was looking out with cold blue eyes at the large barn and sprawling fields.

          “I’m getting dressed now,” she muttered, turning back to him.  He flashed a smile.

          “Wonderful.  Have a good ride… and you might consider working with all of the horses today.” Natalie rolled her eyes, watching as he left the room.  She plopped down with a sigh.  After a moment she started to change into her riding garb.

          Natalie led her horse, Apollo, into the spacious outdoor ring.  Jump standards were set up already, with the jumps set at five feet.  She let her stirrups down and checked her girth before leading the sixteen hand tall black stallion to the mounting block.  She swung into the saddle and slipped her feet into the stirrups, gathering up the reins and clucking her tongue.

          “Let’s go Ap,” she muttered.  They moved forward at an active walk, working on the perimeter of the ring.  She moved into her two-point, stretching down into her heels before sitting back up.  Apollo tossed his head and danced to the side.  She applied strong pressure with her inside leg, moving him back out to the rail.  They moved up to a trot and Natalie posted.  Her position, as always, was flawless.  After several more times around the ring they moved through the center and changed directions.  When they had warmed up at the trot, Natalie eased Apollo to a walk.  “Good boy,” she murmured, patting his shoulder half-heartedly.  When they reached the corner she moved her outside leg behind the girth and tightened her inside rein.  Apollo broke into a canter, and they moved around the ring as one.  A slight smile spread on Natalie’s lips; sometimes she was able to forget that riding was so full of responsibility and pressure, especially when she was alone like this.  They went through the center again, Apollo performing a flying change as they worked the other way at the canter.  Natalie went into her two-point again, but held the big horse to a collected canter.  After several more times around she pulled up again.

          “You need to be more in your heel!” a voice called.  Natalie sighed, glancing over her shoulder.  Her mother was standing at the fence, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand.

          “I wasn’t aware you were a coach Mother,” she replied, continuing around the ring.

          “We’ve been at this long enough that I think I know when you’re not in your heel,” Mrs. Ryan said, still smiling.

          “Whatever you say,” Natalie muttered with a roll of her eyes.  She moved Apollo back up to a canter and began taking the jumps.  They moved over the course at an easy pace, taking all the jumps cleanly.  When they landed after the last jump she cantered a circle and then moved down to a walk.

          “You’re slow!” Mrs. Ryan called.  Natalie turned Apollo so they were facing her.

          “Last time I checked, I’m the one who’s actually been in the saddle for the last fifteen years.  I’ve trained the horses, I’ve won the ribbons and the money.  I know what I’m doing… so back off and let me do it,” she said angrily.  Mrs. Ryan’s smile faded as she watched as Natalie urged Apollo back into a canter.  This time they took the jumps quickly, moving at what Natalie called ‘show speed.’  They still went clean, and she gave Apollo another pat.  “Nice round Ap,” she murmured.  She let him walk on a free rein, kicking her feet loose from the stirrups.

          “You never cease to amaze me Natty… you can do this so half-assed here, and then go into a show and be perfect,” her mother said.

          “It’s simple Mother… in a show the people judging me actually matter,” Natalie said, not looking at her as she rode out of the ring. 

          Natalie had stopped getting nervous or even excited about shows when she was thirteen.  It didn’t matter how big the show was, or who she was riding against.  Usually, she hoped she’d lose.  That had rarely been the case since she was fifteen.  She led Apollo from his stall on the show grounds and toward the ring.  She had fifteen minutes until she was due to be on deck, and wanted to give Apollo time to get used to the crowd and the commotion.  She clipped her helmet into place before swinging into the saddle and riding into the warm up ring.  She maneuvered around the other riders, a look of focus on her pretty face.

          “Miss Ryan, you’re up next!” a voice called.  Natalie pulled up from a trot and rode out of the ring.  She moved up the path and waited by the in-gate.  The crowd was huge that day and the course was sprawling with large jumps.  The rider in the ring was moving at a steady pace, but already had a rail down. 

          “Looks pretty straightforward Ap,” she murmured.

          “You want to know the status of things?” someone asked.  She glanced down and frowned at her father.

          “I don’t need to know.  I’ll get the job done,” she muttered.  The rider in the ring finished and Natalie clucked her tongue.  Apollo moved forward at a spirited trot and as they entered the ring the audience cheered.  Natalie pasted a smile on her face and halted to salute the judges.  She urged Apollo up to a canter and moved toward the first jump.  It was a huge plank jump but Apollo soared over it with ease.  They moved quickly over the course, taking shortcuts that made the audience gasp.  Natalie blocked them out as she moved around and over the jumps, focusing on the task at hand.  It didn’t take long for them to clear the last jump.  Natalie circled Apollo around so she could see the time clock; they were in first.  She pasted on another smile and trotted from the ring.

          “Lovely ride Nat,” her father said.  She gave a curt nod, but said nothing as she rode to the cooling ring.  All along the path other riders and fans smiled and congratulated her on a good ride.  Natalie still said nothing; she was already thinking of what she’d say to appear grateful and happy to the reporters.

          Natalie led Apollo into the trailer late that evening.  She made sure that his hay net and water bucket were full and then walked down the ramp and closed it.

          “Are you sure that you’re not too tired to drive home Nat?” her mother asked.  Natalie rolled her eyes.

          “I’ve been driving home from shows since I was seventeen.  I think I’ll be fine,” she replied.  She picked up her garment and boot bags and tossed them into the cab of the truck.  Her parents were still standing by the trailer.         

          “We’re going to stop and get some dinner, but we’ll see you when we get home,” Mr. Ryan said.

          “Whatever,” Natalie muttered, getting into the truck and driving away. 

          Natalie drove the familiar road to her house, barely paying attention to the winding strip of pavement.  It had begun to rain heavily, and was starting to get dark.  She found herself thinking of the show that day, already dreading the next one.  She had two weeks to get ready before they flew to England to begin riding in the National Series.  She sighed, focusing on the road just in time to see they were heading into a sharp turn.

          “Damnit!” she muttered, turning the wheel hard.  There was a terrible noise as the horse trailer wheels were caught in the gravel on the side of the road.  The weight of the shifting trailer dragged the truck backwards.  Natalie could hear Apollo start to whinny frantically, but didn’t have much time to react.  The truck and trailer were rolling down a steep embankment, and her head hit the steering wheel.  Natalie’s eyes closed; the last thing she heard was her horse screaming.

          Mr. and Mrs. Ryan sat in the waiting room of Mercy General Hospital.  They had been called by the police, and told only that Natalie had been in an accident.

          “Why won’t they tell us anything?” Mrs. Ryan said suddenly.

          “They’ll talk to us as soon as they know something,” her husband replied.  Someone cleared their throat and they glanced up.  A state trooper was standing in the doorway.

          “Are you Mr. and Mrs. Ryan?”

          “Yes.  Natalie Ryan is our daughter.  What happened?” Mr. Ryan demanded.

          “We found her truck… she had slid off the road on Boon’s Pass, and rolled down the embankment.”

          “Oh my God!  Is she ok?” Mrs. Ryan asked, standing up.

          “Ma’am, I’m uncertain of her status right now.  I came to ask you what you’d like done with the horse she had in the trailer.”

          “Is he alright?” Mr. Ryan asked.

          “He’s pretty banged up… lost a lot of blood.  The vet can’t be sure of his full condition, but it doesn’t look good.” Mr. and Mrs. Ryan exchanged a glance.

          “Natalie has had Apollo since he was two… since she was twelve.  Tell the vet to do whatever he can to fix him up,” Mrs. Ryan said.  The officer gave a curt nod and turned to leave.

          “Jesus,” Mr. Ryan muttered, putting his arm around his wife. 

          Several hours later, a doctor stepped into the waiting room and looked at the haggard couple sitting there.

          “Mr. and Mrs. Ryan?” he asked.  They looked up, standing when they saw the doctor.

          “How’s our daughter?” Mrs. Ryan asked.

          “She’s out of surgery. We’ve stopped the internal bleeding and removed her spleen.  We have stabilized both her knee and ankle, but she will need more surgery to correct the damage there.”

          “Damage?” Mr. Ryan repeated.

          “Yes.  Her left leg is broken in three places and her knee was crushed.  Eventually she will need complete reconstructive surgery, but we have to wait until she’s stable.” Mrs. Ryan had begun to cry softly.

          “Is she awake?” Mr. Ryan asked.

          “She should be coming out of recovery any minute.  I want to warn you that she looks pretty rough.  Her face is badly bruised and cut up… in fact she’s pretty banged up all over.”

          “Take us to her,” Mrs. Ryan said.  The man nodded and they followed him down the hallway.

          Natalie heard voices, hushed voices that were clearly arguing.

          “What will she do now David?  She has nothing but this!” her mother’s voice said.

          “She’ll recover… got to physical therapy.  She’ll be back up in no time,” her father answered.

          “Maybe you can wait until I’m conscious before you start planning my life for me again,” Natalie said, opening her eyes.  Her parents were standing by the window, but hurried to her bedside.

          “Honey are you ok?” her mother asked.  Natalie swallowed hard, grimacing at the pain in her throat.

          “My throat hurts,” she muttered.        

          “You had surgery… they had a tube in your throat.”

          “Surgery?  What’s wrong with me?” she demanded.

          “Do you remember anything?” Mr. Ryan asked.  Natalie shook her head.

          “No.  Did I fall off at the show?”

          “Don’t be ridiculous.  You got into an accident on the way home,” he replied.  Natalie felt her breath catch in her throat as memories came flooding back… sliding off the road, the truck rolling, and Apollo’s high-pitched, frantic whinny.

          “Oh God,” she whispered.  She looked at her parents with wide, blue eyes.  “Is Apollo ok?”

          “We’re not sure yet Natalie.  The vet said that he needed a lot of work… and we told him to do whatever he could,” her father answered.  Natalie let her eyes close briefly, and she swallowed again.

          “What else do I need to know?” she asked.  Her parents exchanged a glance.

          “Your knee was badly hurt in the accident, but we have every reason to believe you’ll be fine.  I’m sure you’ll be back in the saddle in no time,” Mr. Ryan assured her.  She nodded, but thought ‘Please God let it be too screwed up to work anymore.‘

          Mr. and Mrs. Ryan walked into the stable at their vet’s.  The man, Doctor Greg Meade, met them.

          “How’s Apollo?” they asked in one voice.  Dr. Meade frowned and raked his fingers through his hair.

          “He’s quite a mess.  He has torn tendons and ligaments in his left front leg and shoulder.  He has a compound fracture in his rear left leg.  He has deep cuts and gashes… everywhere.  I’ve put over two hundred stitches in him.” Mrs. Ryan glanced at her husband.

          “Will he recover?” Dr. Meade gave a shrug.

          “It’s hard to say.  I have him up in a sling to keep weight off his legs until they start to mend.  I don’t know if he’ll ever be sound to jump again… at least not at the level Natalie’s been used to.  He’s pretty screwed up mentally and that’s hard to fix.  I honestly can’t say how he’ll come out of this, and right now it’s touch and go.  He’s got a long road back… and that’s if you want to devote the time, energy, and money it will take to work on him.  Putting him down is a feasible option,” he explained.  Mr. Ryan shook his head.

          “No.  We’ll work on him.  Natalie may not care about too much, but she does love this horse.  Do whatever you have to in order to keep him alive.”

          “Alright.  Would you like to see him before you leave?  It might help him to see some people he knows.” They nodded and followed the vet down the aisle.  They could hear Apollo before they saw him; the big horse was grunting, a low pain-filled, tired sound.  When they saw him Mrs. Ryan grabbed her husband’s arm.

          “Good God,” she whispered.  Apollo was held up by a large sling, hanging from the ceiling.  His once beautiful face was covered with cuts and gashes, as was the rest of his body.  Many of the large cuts on his neck and body were sewn up, causing him to look as if he was held together by string.  His head was hanging low, eyes drooping.

          “Can’t you give him anything for pain?” Mr. Ryan demanded.

          “He’s had a great deal of pain medication… right now I’ve given him all I dare to.” There was a long moment of silence as they all looked at the tattered and torn animal.  “Are you sure you want me to keep him alive?” Dr. Meade asked softly.

          “Yes, we’re sure,” Mr. Ryan replied.  He put his hand on his wife’s shoulder and murmured, “Let’s get back to the hospital.” She nodded and they left the barn.

         

          Natalie was awake when her parents returned.  She looked at them seriously.

          “How is he?” she demanded.  Her parents exchanged a glance.

          “The vet thinks he’s going to be ok,” her father murmured.  Natalie frowned.

          “That’s not what I asked.  How is he right now?” Her blue eyes were angry, and she looked fierce despite the fact that her face was bruised and cut, her leg was in traction, and her wrist was in a cast.  Mr. Ryan sighed.

          “He’s in bad shape Nat,” he said.  She looked from him to her mother.

          “How bad?” she demanded.  When nobody spoke after several moments, she picked up the water pitcher from the nightstand and threw it across the room.  “Tell me what the hell is wrong with my horse!” she yelled.

          “Honey calm down,” Mrs. Ryan said.  Natalie shook her head, her face hard and angry.

          “I won’t calm down.  Just tell me what’s wrong with him.” She watched as they each sank wearily into chairs.

          “He has torn tendons and ligaments in his left shoulder and front leg, a compound fracture in his rear left leg… he’s badly cut up. He’s a mess Nat,” Her mother said.  Natalie swallowed hard and leaned back against her pillows.

          “What’s his prognosis?” she murmured.

          “The vet’s not sure honey.” Natalie shook her head again.

          “Greg doesn’t do ‘not sure’.  What did he say about his chances?”

          “He’s not sure that he’ll ever jump again at this level, if at all.  He worries about some of the mental issues that will be there after such a bad accident,” her father said.

          “What did you tell him to do?” she asked, looking at them seriously.  They exchanged a glance.

          “Well… we told him to do whatever was necessary to get him healthy again.” Natalie brought her fist down on the mattress.

          “Why would you do that?  He’s in pain right?  He will never recover from this.  Why would you be so selfish as to keep him alive?” she yelled.

          “We thought that’s what you’d want Natalie.  We know you love him.”

          “No, you did what you wanted, just like you always do.  You don’t care what I want; you’ve never cared what I wanted.  I do care about Apollo, enough to put him out of his misery.  Go back to Greg and tell him to put him down,” she ordered, turning away from them.

          “Natalie, are you sure you…” Natalie cut her father off.

          “Go!  There’s no point in keeping him alive… it’s not fair to him.  Just go,” she said.  Mr. and Mrs. Ryan left the room in silence.  When they were part way down the hall, they stopped and looked at one another.

          “We can’t have him put to sleep.  Natalie doesn’t know what she’s saying right now,” Mr. Ryan said.  His wife frowned.

          “She seemed pretty clear about this David,” she said.  He shook his head.

          “No.  She’ll see that saving him is the best decision.  Right now she’s just not thinking clearly.” Mrs. Ryan kept frowning.

          “Well what do we tell her?  She expects us to have him put down.”

          “We tell her that we did it… until he’s looking better and she’s thinking more clearly.”

          “So we lie?”

          “Yes, for now.  She’ll understand and be grateful once she has time to heal herself.  Let’s go, she’ll expect us to be gone for awhile,” he said, starting down the hall.  Mrs. Ryan hesitated for a moment before following.

          Nearly two weeks later Natalie had her second surgery to reconstruct her knee.  She woke up after and looked around.  Her parents weren’t there, and her left leg was propped up on two pillows, wrapped in ace bandages and a heavy, full-leg brace.  With a sigh she pushed herself up so she was sitting more upright.

          “Honey, be careful,” her mother said as she walked into the room.

          “I’m fine,” Natalie muttered.  Mrs. Ryan leaned down and kissed her forehead.  “Where’s Dad?”

          “He went to get some coffee, but he’ll be back in a few minutes.  How do you feel?”

          “Alright.  What’d the doctor say about how it went?”

          “Not much yet, but he said he’d be stopping by soon,” Mrs. Ryan explained.

          “And soon is now!” a cheerful voice said.  Natalie and her mother and turned toward the door and saw her surgeon coming in.  He was still dressed in scrubs.  “Hello Miss Ryan.  How’re you feeling?” Natalie shrugged.

          “Alright,” she muttered.  He put his hand on her left leg gently.

          “Any pain?”

          “Not yet,” she said with a small smile.  He smiled too.

          “We do have you on some good pain meds right now,” he said.

          “How did the surgery go?” Mrs. Ryan questioned.

          “Right now it’s still early, but I’m very optimistic.  I was able to repair much of the ligament damage.  I rebuilt the whole thing, and it looks strong.” Mr. Ryan had walked in and was listening with interest.

          “What about riding?” he demanded.  Natalie sighed.

          “Dad, isn’t it a little more important to figure out if I’ll be able to walk?” she muttered.

          “Natalie be serious!  Of course you’ll be able to walk,” Mr. Ryan said, his voice angry.  The doctor held up a hand.    

          “Please, Mr. Ryan… Natalie… at this point he only certain things are that there will be a long road to recovery.  Natalie will require a great deal of physical therapy to build strength.  I have complete faith that she will walk again, but it could be with a limp or even with a cane.  As for riding… I can’t say.  It will be a long road before riding is an option, at least a year but more likely two.  I don’t know if competitive jumping will ever be an option again,” he said honestly.  Natalie listened as her parents began to object, but she said nothing.  The only noticeable change in her was the small smile on her face.

          Natalie was released from the hospital almost a month and a half after the accident.  A room was set up for her on the first floor of the house because she was still in a wheelchair.  A private physical therapist was hired to come to the house three times a week until she was able to get around on crutches and drive to therapy.  One afternoon after her therapist left, Natalie was sitting in bed reading a book.

          “Natalie we need to talk,” her mother said, coming into the room.  Natalie glanced up and sighed before putting her book down.

          “What’s up?” she muttered, brushing hair from her face.  Mrs. Ryan sat down in the chair next to the bed.

          “We’ve been talking with your physical therapist, and she seems to think you’re not really putting yourself into the rehabilitation.  She said that you just don’t seem motivated.” Natalie shrugged.

          “There’s not a whole lot we can do here at the house Mother.  Once I can go to the office and start doing some real work, I will be much more motivated.  When I actually have a point to my time being spent, I’ll get into it.”

          “Oh Natalie!  There is a point now.  You’re building a foundation so you can go in there and start on machines and building strength.  You need to work now so you stand a chance of getting back up and where you can ride again.” Natalie sighed.

          “You and Dad should just get the idea of my riding out of your heads.  You heard the doctor; competitive riding isn’t likely and riding at all doesn’t look probable.  I’m not working at the PT in order to ride; I’m doing it so I can walk.” Her mother stood up.

          “Natalie, you’re being ridiculous!  This is your life’s work.  Riding is what you do for a living… what will you do without it?” she demanded.

          “Maybe I’ll finally have the chance to be happy and do what I want to do as opposed to what everyone else wants me to!  I’ve been living out your dreams for fifteen years, and now I’m done.  Thank God, I’m done.”

          “Nat, listen…”

          “No, you listen and pass it on to Dad.  I’m done riding.  I’m done doing something I hate just because I’m good at it and because you say I have to.”

          “Honey you’re not making any sense,” Mrs. Ryan said, her eyes wide and worried.

          “Yes I am you’re just not listening.  Please leave, this conversation is over.” Mrs. Ryan opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it and left.

          The days passed slowly, and soon turned to weeks and then months.  Natalie did the bare minimum in physical therapy, and eventually worked up the strength to walk without crutches.  Almost six months after the accident she walked slowly into the doctor’s office.

          “Natalie, how nice to see you,” the man said.  She sat down, running her fingers through her hair.  She had let it grow, well past her shoulders, no longer needing the short cut to make riding even simpler.

          “It’s nice to see you too.  How do things look?” she questioned.  He flicked a switch, and a light came on to illuminate her latest set of x-rays. 

          “There has been some nice growth in muscle, and the last surgery was very successful.  Ligaments are mending, and all of the replacement has held up well.” He turned to look at her again before continuing, “I think that there could be much more success if you would follow more of the physical therapist’s advice.” Natalie frowned.

          “I’ve done everything she’s asked,” she muttered. 

          “Natalie, she’s told me that you obviously haven’t been working on exercises at home.  She also said that you aren’t putting forth much effort in the office.  She said you do shortened reps on all the machines, that you put in a half-effort in the water, and that you hold out when your knee is being worked on manually with a therapist.”

          “I’m sorry she feels that way.  Maybe I should find a therapist that will support me rather than cut down the work I’m doing,” she replied.  The doctor sighed.

          “Natalie, someone who was in your physical condition before an accident like this usually comes back to a much higher level of functioning.  There should be much more muscle tone, and you should be able to walk much more soundly by now.  This lack of progress tells me that there’s something not happening.” She sighed and stood slowly, with a grimace.

          “I’ve made the kind of progress I want to make.  Let me know if you want to run any more tests,” she muttered, turning and limping toward the door.

          “Natalie… there’s no law that says you have to ride if you fully rehabilitate.  Nobody can make you do that,” he said.  She stopped, her hand on the doorknob, and looked at him over her shoulder. 

          “You’d be surprised what people can make you do.  Goodbye,” she said softly.

          Natalie was finally ready to move back up to her bedroom; for the first time since the accident her knee was able to hold up to the difficult task of climbing stairs.  It had only taken eight months.  She went slowly to the top and then walked down the hall, worn out from the effort of the climb.  Her door was closed, and when she opened it she felt tears fill her eyes unexpectedly.  She had forgotten all the pictures on the walls, put there mainly at her parents’ insistence.  There were many pictures of her over the course of her riding career, but the majority of them were taken of her and Apollo.  Natalie walked in, closing the door behind herself softly.  Her parents had gone out for the afternoon, confident that she could take care of herself.  She walked slowly to an enlarged photograph of Apollo taking her over a large water jump.  The pair was completely in synch; Natalie was stretched out over his neck, and Apollo was in perfect form over the big obstacle.  With a swipe of her hand Natalie knocked the photo off the wall, and then moved on to the next… and then the next.  Tears slipped down her cheeks as she moved around the room, knocking and tearing all the photos of Apollo off the walls and shelves.  Soon there were piles of photos and broken glass all over the room.  Natalie stopped as she reached the last photo; in it Apollo was just a gangly two-year old.  She was holding his lead shank, a big smile on her face as he rubbed his muzzle against her cheek. 

          “Oh Ap I’m sorry,” she whispered, sinking slowly to the ground and hugging the photo to her chest. 

          Mrs. Ryan walked upstairs that evening to get Natalie for dinner.  She and her husband had returned home several hours before, but hadn’t seen their daughter yet.  As she approached Natalie’s room, she noticed a large box sitting in the hallway.  She paused and looked inside, gasping at what she saw.  It was filled with broken glass and torn up pictures of Apollo.  With a deep breath, Mrs. Ryan picked up the box and carried it downstairs to the kitchen.  Mr. Ryan was standing at the counter, but frowned when he saw her.

          “Where’s Natalie?” he asked. 

          “Upstairs,” Mrs. Ryan replied softly, setting the box down on the table. 

          “What’s in the box?” She shook her head slowly, raking her fingers through her hair.

          “Take a look,” she muttered as she went to stand at the sliding glass door.  Mr. Ryan looked inside, a deep frown creasing his brow when he looked inside.

          “Why would she do this?” he murmured.  Mrs. Ryan glanced at him over her shoulder, tears in her eyes.

          “She thinks she killed him.  We need to tell her David,” she replied.  He sighed, sinking into a chair. 

          “Do you think she’s ready for that?  Apollo is still a mess… maybe not as physically bad off as he was, but he’s lost his mind since the accident.  One minute he’s despondent, the next he’s trying to kill a stable hand.  Do you think she’s ready to see him… to know we went behind her back and kept him alive?”

          “I don’t know if she’s ready… but I think she needs to know.  She may’ve hated us for pushing her to ride, but that horse meant the world to her.  This is going to tear her apart.” Mr. Ryan sighed again.

          “Then we’ll tell her,” he replied.  She nodded and turned back toward the window.  The horses were out, and it seemed they too were getting used to seeing the exercise rings empty. 

          That weekend Natalie’s parents insisted upon going with her to physical therapy.  They made a big show of talking with her physical therapist after her session was over, asking all sorts of questions about her progress. 

          “I’m going to go wait in the car,” Natalie muttered after nearly 15 minutes of listening to them talk about her as if she weren’t even there.  Mr. and Mrs. Ryan glanced at her, seemingly surprised that she was still there. 

          “Oh!  Yes, let’s go.  We should get some lunch,” her mother said with a smile.  Natalie stood up slowly and started toward the door.

          “Let’s just go,” she said, walking out.  Even with a head start her parents made it to the car first.  Her mother tried to help her into the jeep, but Natalie shrugged her off.  “I can do it!” she exclaimed.  Mrs. Ryan sighed, but got into the passenger seat.  They soon pulled away from the curb and Natalie let herself zone out.  She wasn’t sure how long, but when she finally focused on the passing scenery she frowned.  They were pulling up at their former vet’s farm.  “What’re we doing here?” she demanded.  Her father pulled up right outside the main door and turned the car off.

          “We just thought that you might like to visit with some of the horses,” Mr. Ryan said, glancing at her over his shoulder.  Natalie shook her head.

          “I want to go home.  Let’s go,” she said.  Greg, the vet, had just stepped out of the barn and gave a wave to them.

          “Come on honey, Greg has been asking about you since the accident.  Let’s go say hello,” Mrs. Ryan said.  Natalie’s frown deepened; something in her mother’s voice didn’t sound right.

          “What’s going on?” she demanded.  Both parents opened their doors and then turned to look at her.

          “Nothing,” they said in one, cheerful voice.  Natalie stared at them as they got out of the car, and then sighed.  She knew there was no arguing with them, so she carefully got out of the car. 

          “Natalie, you look great!” Greg said as she walked lowly around the jeep and toward the door.  She pasted on a smile.

          “I didn’t know we’d be stopping by, otherwise I would’ve done something with my hair,” she joked.  He laughed a little, glancing at her parents quickly.

          “Well you might’ve warned her,” he said, a smile on his face.  Natalie’s smile faded; there was something else in his voice too, something that sounded suspiciously like worry. 

          “No big deal.  How’re your guys doing?” she asked, starting through the barn door.  The smell of leather, hay, and horses hit her and she closed her eyes.  She hadn’t been in a barn since the day of the accident.  Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and she jumped.  Her mother was standing close beside her.

          “Honey are you OK?” Mrs. Ryan asked.  Natalie swallowed hard and nodded.

          “Yeah… of course.  I’m fine.” They walked down the aisle, making casual conversation.  Natalie looked into the stalls at the various horses, trying not to think about the day of the accident. 

          “Natalie, hang on a second,” Greg said suddenly, putting his hand on her elbow.  She glanced at him, a half smile on her face.

          “What’s up Greg?” she asked.  He was looking at her parents. 

          “We brought you here for a reason Nat… we weren’t sure how to tell you, so we thought it’d be better to just show…” Natalie shook her head.

          “Show me what?  What’s going on?” she demanded.  Greg put his hands on her shoulders and guided her to a stall at the very end of the aisle, stopping just before the door.

          “He’s come a long way Natalie, a real long way.  He’s been a full time job though,” Greg murmured. 

          “Who are you talking…” The words died on her lips as Greg moved her in front of the stall door.  Natalie felt her heart jump and couldn’t find her next breath.  Apollo was standing in the far corner of the stall, head hung low.  Even in the dim light she could see the scars crisscrossing his chest, side and face.  “What the hell is going on?” she whispered, taking a step closer to the stall door.  Apollo’s head came up, and when he saw her, his eyes got wide and he gave a frantic whinny as he reared up.  The sound of that whinny, so like the ones the day of the accident, jolted Natalie out of her shock.  She turned angrily toward her parents and Greg.

          “Natalie we were just,” her father began.

          “Shut up!  Shut up shut up shut up!” she screamed.  Tears had begun to stream down her face, but she barely noticed.  “What were you thinking?  What the hell were you thinking?  Look at him!  Jesus look at him!” she yelled.  She turned on Greg and gave him a shove.  “What were you thinking?  You’re supposed to take care of him… you’re supposed to do right by him!  You listened to them?” she said, motioning to her parents.

          “Natalie, he’s doing ok… really,” Greg said softly.

          “OK?  He’s doing ok?  You’re all out of your minds,” she said, pushing past them and doing her best to run down the aisle.  Thankfully, her parents and Greg had the sense not to follow.  As she hurried out of the barn she slammed into someone.  Through her tears she looked up and saw a handsome young man.  He was looking at her with concerned hazel eyes, and his hands were still on her shoulders.

          “Are you OK?” he asked.  When she didn’t answer he added, “I’m really sorry, I didn’t see you coming.” Natalie stepped back carefully, quickly brushing her tears away.

          “Yeah, I’m fine,” she muttered, glancing away for a moment.  She looked back at him, brushing her hair from her face as she did.  Recognition lit the young man’s eyes.

          “You’re Natalie Ryan,” he said.  She let out a shaky sigh before nodding.

          “Yeah, that’s me.  I’m not really in the mood to be social to a former fan,” she muttered, starting to walk past him.  He put a gentle hand on her elbow.

          “Wait a second… I don’t want to be one of those annoying groupies I’m sure you’re sick of.  I just wanted to say that I really admire the way you rode; watching you taught me a lot,” he said.  Natalie looked at him, her blue eyes serious.

          “What’s your name?” she asked. 

          “Aidan Martin,” he said.

          “Well it’s nice to meet you Aidan Martin.  Since you learned so much watching me ride why don’t you come over to my farm sometime?  I’ll let you try out some of my horses,” she said.  Aidan gasped.

          “I’m not sure that’s such a great idea… I’m not too good,” he said.  Natalie glanced over her shoulder as her parents and Greg came out of the barn; they were all looking at her with big, concerned eyes.

          “I finally found someone to exercise the horses folks,” she said, tossing it over her shoulder casually.  Greg took a small step forward.

          “Umm, Natalie?  Aidan’s only been riding a relatively short time… he’s still pretty rough.  I could find someone to keep your horses in shape,” he said.  Natalie turned and put a reassuring hand on Aidan’s shoulder as she watched her parents squirm.

          “Last I knew they were all my horses, and I’ll let anyone I want ride them.  And I want Apollo brought back home.  You all have done enough damage to him,” she said, turning back to Aidan.  “Come on by the house sometime this week.  We’ll see what you can do,” she said, getting into the car.  Her parents said something to Greg quickly, but then hurried to the car. 

          “Nat,” her mother began.

          “I have nothing to say to either one of you.  My horses and I will be finding a new place to live as soon as possible,” she said.  Her parents didn’t argue. 

          Aidan drove up the Ryan’s driveway on Wednesday morning.  It was a cool April morning, and the fog was still rising from the ground.  As he came to a stop in front of the barn, he couldn’t help but look around in awe.  White fences stretched for miles.  The barn was impeccably painted, and he could guess that the inside would be perfect.  As he stepped out of his car he let out a shaky breath. 

          “Are you Aidan?” a voice asked.  He glanced toward the sound and smiled at the man standing there.

          “Yes.  Natalie asked me to come by this week,” he explained.  The man nodded, tossing his work gloves down on a bale of hay. 

          “Ms. Ryan said you’d be coming by.  I’m Chris… been the stable manager here for last couple of years.  It’s been pretty quiet down here since Miss Natalie’s accident.  I’m glad she asked someone to come by and give the horses some good work.  They’re bored with the longe line,” the older man said.  Aidan nodded.

          “Is Natalie going to come down?” he asked.

          “Sure she is,” a new voice said.  Aidan turned, smiling a little when he saw Natalie.  She was wearing a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt, and her hair was pulled back in a braid.  On her left leg was a heavy brace. 

          “Nice to see you again,” he said.  She nodded and walked slowly into the barn.

          “Hi Chris.  I see you’ve met Mr. Martin,” she said as she walked.  Chris and Aidan followed her down the aisle of the barn. 

          “Yes Ma’am.  Seems like a right fine fellow,” he replied.  She smiled a bit and nodded, stopping in front of a stall.  A beautiful grey head swung out and she gave the mare a pat.

          “Yes he does.  Come on Aidan, let’s get you up in the saddle and see what you’ve got,” she said, continuing to walk slowly toward the tack room.  Aidan raked his fingers through his brown hair nervously, but followed her anyway. 

          Natalie watched as Aidan rode her horse Poe, a 14-year-old bay gelding, around the small outdoor ring.  His position was nothing to write home about, and she could tell he was nervous.

          “Aidan, hang on a second!” she called.  He eased Poe down from a trot and glanced at her.

          “Something wrong?” he asked.  She motioned for him to come to the center of the ring and he did as she said.

          “How long have you been riding?” she asked.  He shrugged.

          “Off and on for about five years.  I’ve never really been able to afford lessons, but Greg gave me a job and has been letting me ride every day.  I’m almost finished with my first two years at college… well, not college.  Vet school. I want to be a vet someday.  I’ve always loved horses though.” She nodded slowly. 

          “I see,” she muttered, turning away for a moment.  Aidan gave a sad smile.

          “Listen, I know that I’m not good enough to ride your horses.  Jesus, I can’t even believe I’m sitting on this horse.  I saw him win the whole national series a couple years back, and then you bought him.” She turned back to him, putting her hands on her trim hips.

          “Do you want to learn how to ride?” she asked.  Aidan’s brow furrowed, and a confused frown came across his face.

          “What do you mean?” he murmured.

          “I mean, would you like someone to teach you?  I’ve got a lot of free time these days, and if someone is riding the horses they’ll stay in shape.  I’m not going to be an easy person to learn from… I’m pretty set in my ways.  But if you want to learn, I’d be willing to spend some time teaching you.”

          “Seriously?” he demanded.  She nodded slowly.

          “Yes.  The only condition is you don’t go spreading it around; I don’t need the media getting wind of it.” He nodded. 

          “Sure, whatever you say,” he said, smiling broadly.

          “We’ll start for good two weeks from today,” she said, starting from the ring.  Aidan watched as she walked to the gate and then paused.  “By the way, I’ll be moving myself and the horses to a new farm soon.  I’ll let you know where as soon as I find somewhere decent,” she said.  Aidan nodded, watching as she disappeared into the barn.  He gave Poe a pat on the shoulder and then dismounted. 

          “I’m not real sure what happened just now big guy, but I guess I’ll be seeing you around,” he murmured as they walked into the barn.

          It was much easier than Natalie had expected to find a new place for her and the horses.  She hired a Realtor and had found a place only a month after she began her search.  Her parents continuously tried to talk her out of it, but she refused to speak to them.  On May 10^th she and Aidan began the tedious task of transporting all of the horses to their new home.  She only had six, but moving them required putting them in a trailer.  Natalie wasn’t quite sure how she’d make herself do that.  Aidan showed up early that morning and watched as she finished hitching the trailer to her truck.  Both trailer and truck were new, and bore no scars from the accident. 

          “Morning,” Aidan said.  She glanced up and swallowed hard before forcing a smile. 

          “Hey.  Thanks for coming to help; I hope I didn’t interfere with your work schedule or with any of your finals,” she said, walking slowly toward him.  He shook his head slowly.

          “Nah.  Greg knew what I had to do today, so he wasn’t too worried about it.  He said he’s glad you’re getting out on your own.” Natalie frowned, and Aidan silently cursed himself.  He knew better by now than to talk about Greg with Natalie. 

          “Well I’m glad you could make it.  Let’s get started loading up.  We’ll have to make a couple trips with the horses,” she said.    She began to walk slowly into the barn, her mind reeling at the thought of actually stepping foot into the trailer or driving the truck.

          “I figured I could drive… thought it’d be easier for you,” Aidan said suddenly, and Natalie stopped walking.  She looked at him for a long moment, swallowing hard before forcing a smile.

          “That’d be great.  It’s a pretty big hassle to get the leg brace in behind the steering wheel,” she said, putting her hand on the brace with a grimace.  Aidan nodded, and she could see in his eyes that he knew the real reason driving would be problematic.  They continued into the barn and Natalie said, “Chris is already at the new place getting stalls ready for the horses.  I’m glad he decided to stay on.”

          “He seems like a great guy.  He’s a good manager for sure.” Natalie stopped at Poe’s stall and opened the door.  Aidan watched as she slipped a halter over the big gray horse’s head and clipped a lead shank to it. 

          “Would you mind doing the loading?  Going back and forth with them is going to really put me in bad shape later on today if I’m not careful,” she said.  Aidan nodded and took the lead from her hands.

          “No problem.  Get the next one ready and I’ll be back to get them,” he said, walking out of the stall and back up the aisle.  Natalie moved on to the next stall where her youngest horse Calypso was.  She was a beautiful black and white paint that Natalie had once really looked forward to training and showing on.  She sighed and forced herself to think of something else as she got the mare ready for shipping.  Aidan returned just as she finished, and they walked back to the trailer together.  Only two horses would fit at a time in the new trailer.  When Calypso was loaded, they each got into the truck. 

          “We’ll have to take four trips with the trailer,” Natalie said, drawing in several deep breaths as he started the truck and began pulling down the driveway.  The only good thing about the whole day was that they didn’t have to go on the same road her accident had occurred on.  Her new farm was in the opposite direction.  Aidan glanced at her, noticing how pale she’d gotten.  Her blonde hair was pulled up in a braid and it was falling down around her face.  He reached over and touched her hand gently.

          “Natalie, are you going to be ok?” he asked.  She gave a little jump and looked at him with big blue eyes. 

          “Umm… yeah, I think so.  Just haven’t done this since…” Aidan gave a nod that cut her off, and he laced his fingers through hers.

          “Just hang tight.  We’ll be there before you know it,” he promised.  She nodded, leaning back against her seat and closing her eyes.  For a moment her mind threatened to replay that horrible day, but then Aidan squeezed her hand and it faded away.  The drive only took twenty minutes, but it seemed to last forever.  When Aidan eased the truck to a stop Natalie opened her eyes, drew in a breath and opened her door.  Chris was already standing in the yard, ready to help bring the horses in.  Aidan led Poe and Chris took Calypso into the new barn.  It was a fairly big barn, much bigger than she needed, but Natalie was considering offering the extra spaces to local riders who needed somewhere to board their horses.  She followed the men inside, smiling a little.  Chris had done some good work preparing for the horses.  The nameplates were already on the stalls, and each one was full of fresh shavings, hay, and water. 

          “It looks good Chris,” she said, smiling at the older man.  He put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a little squeeze.

          “I wanted the horses and you to feel at home when you got here.  I went up to the house and aired it out this morning too, figured the spring air would have it feeling a little less stuffy in there,” he explained.  Natalie smiled.  She had decided on this farm simply because the house on the land was perfect for her.  It wasn’t too big, and there were no stairs she had to climb to get to her bedroom. 

          “Thank you Chris.” She paused for a moment, looking into Poe’s stall and then back at Aidan and Chris.  “Would you guys mind going back to get the others?  My knee…”

          “Don’t worry about it Ms. Ryan, we’ve got it under control,” Chris said, pausing before adding, “We’ll get Apollo last.” She nodded, glancing away from them.  The big horse had made very little progress over the previous month, and would need to be heavily sedated to be put in the trailer.  Thankfully he’d stopped reacting so violently when he saw Natalie, but she still couldn’t touch him. 

          “That’d be great.  I think all the gear is already here, but if you could just double check on your last trip.” She reached into her pocket and handed Aidan her car keys.  “Could you drive my car over on the last trip over?  There’s some stuff in it, but nothing major.  I think I’m going to go up to the house and start unpacking.  We can do a lesson if you want later Aidan,” she offered as she started toward the house.

          “OK.  I’ll stop up when we’re done,” he said.  She nodded, but said nothing as she walked slowly up the path to the house.  Aidan and Chris watched her for a moment before getting into the truck.

          “She’s a lot more messed up about that accident than she lets on,” Chris said softly.  Aidan nodded.

          “Yeah, she is,” he agreed.

          Aidan sat astride Piper, Natalie’s oldest horse.  The gelding was eighteen, and Natalie had done some of her earliest riding on him.  She’d seen Aidan make progress in leaps and bounds every time he rode the trusty horse, and today was no exception.  She watched as the duo moved around the outdoor ring at a comfortable sitting trot.  Aidan was sitting tall, had his heels down and hands low.  He was also moving around the ring with no stirrups, something that the month before Natalie wouldn’t have even considered having him do. 

          “That looks good Aidan!  Pick up your stirrups and move up to a posting trot, he’s warmed up,” she called.  Aidan did as she directed, and was soon moving around at the posting trot.  She nodded, brushing her hair over her shoulder.  Aidan had surprised her when he came to the door, and she hadn’t had time to pull it back in its customary braid.  When they’d come into the barn Chris had been visibly shocked to see her with her hair cascading over her shoulders.  She was wearing a pair of jeans and a long sleeved blue shirt that had an emblem on it from one of the many shows she’d ridden in.  “Ease up to a walk for a minute, he’s been going well for awhile now.” Aidan eased Piper to a walk and glanced at her.  Natalie was watching him closely and he smiled to himself.

          “Even when I’m not doing anything you’re looking at me like that,” he said.  She tilted her head to the side, frowning slightly.

          “Like what?” she demanded.  Aidan laughed and shrugged.

          “I don’t know… like you can see right through me.  You’re always on the lookout for something to fix I guess,” he explained.  Natalie smiled a little, and then shrugged.

          “I guess I can’t help it.  Sorry.” Aidan shook his head, giving Piper a pat on the shoulder and coming through the center of the ring to change direction. 

          “That’s your job.  I’ve gotten so much better since you started working with me… I need to get someone out here to take my picture so I can show my Mom and Dad,” he said with a grin.  Natalie smiled.

          “You’re improving faster than I really imagined you would.  I’m very impressed.” Aidan smiled.

          “Thanks Natalie,” he said.  She glanced away for a moment, and then turned back to him with a big smile playing on her face. 

          “Why don’t you pick up a canter in the next corner?  I want to see collection and nice bend in the corners,” she said.  He nodded, and she watched as Piper moved up into a canter at his signal.  When they had worked in both directions Aidan came back to a walk and looked to Natalie.  “Would you mind if we called it a day there?  He had a long day moving over here, and I’m tired from all the work we’ve done.  We can start early tomorrow if you wanted… you could start riding Poe again I think.  You’re so much sturdier up there.” Aidan kicked free of his stirrups and thought for a moment.

          “Are you sure I won’t screw him up?  I still can’t even jump.” Natalie smiled.

          “When I got Poe I still didn’t know how to do some things.  He’s a nice horse and he’s pretty forgiving.  You can’t stay on Piper forever… besides, I have 5 other horses that you need to be able to exercise before I can start actually paying you for all you do around here.” He had dismounted, so she could see the shock on his face.

          “Paying me?  But you’re teaching me how to ride… I should be paying you,” he said.  She shrugged, walking beside him back toward the barn.

          “Once you have the basics and you’re not going to get killed riding… or mess up any of my guys, you can start doing some real work.  You’ll be keeping them in shape, and that’s something I can’t do.  We’ll work something out, but at that point I would like to start paying you.  You have vet school to pay for after all.” Aidan looked at her for a long moment as they walked. 

          “Natalie don’t you think…” he trailed off with a shake of his head.  She looked at him.

          “Don’t I think what?” He led Piper into his stall, slipping the bridle off and putting the big horse into cross ties.  He leaned against the wall for a moment, and then looked up at her.  His brown eyes were serious. 

          “I just… don’t you think you’ll be able to do that someday?” She opened her mouth to speak but he held up his hand.  “I don’t mean that you’re going to show again.  I know you’re not going to do all that… but if you worked hard in therapy you could probably do flat work again.  Maybe jumping would be out, but you could probably just enjoy flatting.  You wouldn’t even need me.” She was looking at him with dark eyes, and he couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

          “I’ve been in physical therapy for nine months, and I’m lucky to be walking without a cane.  Riding isn’t going to be an option,” she said firmly. 

          “Is that because it really isn’t or because you don’t want it to be?” he asked.  She couldn’t hide her surprise, and Aidan knew he’d guessed her biggest secret.  It wasn’t that Natalie couldn’t ride again; it was that she didn’t want to ride again. 

          “I don’t want to talk about this again Aidan,” she said, turning and walking slowly up the aisle.  He watched her as she became a shadow against the light from the main barn door, and then went outside.  He sighed and turned back to Piper, taking care of the big gelding before leaving for the day. 

          June came, muggy and hot.  Natalie had found seven more people to share the barn with her, mostly adults in the area that wanted someplace inexpensive to house their horses and equipment.  She had decided to give lessons to anyone who approached her about it among her boarders.  So far she was training with three or four of them, and it was going well.  The local papers had mentioned that she was “lending a hand” to fellow riders, but that was the extent of the publicity.  Aidan was still working with her too, and had begun jumping in May.  His progress over fences was more slow than his flat work, but Natalie was confident that he could do anything he put his mind to it.  He wanted to show over fences by the end of the summer, and she promised she’d get him to that point.  As the month wore on, everyone noticed that Natalie was withdrawing.  Her temper was easily set off, and she barely spoke to anyone other than to bark orders across an exercise ring.  The only time she came to the barn was for lessons, after which she would disappear in the house again.  Aidan had stayed late one evening late in June, taking over for Chris in nightly chores so the older man could go on a date.  As he finished up the last of the watering, a noise caught his attention.  It was coming from Apollo’s stall.  The big horse had been doing better over the last few months, even letting people lead him in and out of his stall and bathe him with virtually no incident.  Aidan had taken special care with the horse, because Natalie wouldn’t go near him.  So he was surprised when he looked into the stall and found Natalie sitting in the shavings by the door.  She was watching the big black horse, tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.  Apollo was watching her too, standing in the far corner of the stall.  Aidan hesitated briefly before going in and sitting down beside her.  Natalie didn’t even look at him.

          “You’re here late tonight,” he said.  She didn’t say anything for a moment, and he looked at her.  She was still staring at the horse, her eyes clouded over.

          “You know what today is right?” Aidan nodded slowly; everyone knew that it was the one-year anniversary of her accident.  “I still don’t know how I could’ve been so careless.  I was thinking about going to England for the National series… I didn’t want to go.  I never wanted to go.  I guess I just got so focused on that, on how much I hated it… you think you know the way home like the back of your hand and then in a split second you find out that you don’t know.  Because I forgot about that turn and how you had to slow down so much to get around it.  I was so stupid,” she said softly.  He watched as she brushed tears from her cheeks, and then pulled her hair down.  It fell over her face like a curtain.  “The trailer wheels caught the gravel on the side of the road and I guess the weight of it pulled us backwards.  I could hear him,” she murmured, motioning to Apollo.  “He was so scared.  I was lucky, because I was unconscious for so much of it.  Not Apollo, he was awake for all of it.  I could hear him.” Aidan put his hand over hers and was surprised when she turned her hand over so she could hold on to him.  “People have said that I was lucky because I don’t remember.  I suppose they just assume that I don’t because I haven’t sold the story to dateline.  I’ll remember that day forever though.” His thumb was moving in slow circles on her hand, and she turned to look at him.  He was watching her closely.  “You’re not going to try to make me feel better.” It was a statement rather than a question, but he shook his head in response anyway.

          “There’s nothing I could say to make that go away Natalie.  I won’t insult you by trying.” She nodded, turning back to Apollo.

          “You know the worst thing?  I prayed every day for something to happen to me, a riding accident or a car crash or… anything that would get me out of the saddle.  I never wanted to do all of it, and I knew the only way out was getting hurt.  But I never wanted one of the horses to suffer for me.  Especially not Apollo.” She looked at him again and let out a sigh.  “Here he is though, casualty of my stupidity.”

          “He’s only a casualty because you’re letting him be one,” Aidan said.  Natalie frowned.

          “What do you mean by that?” He sighed, raking his fingers through his sandy brown hair.  When he looked at her again, his hazel eyes were concerned.

          “Have you ever thought that Apollo feels just as guilty as you do?  You didn’t see him for months after the accident, and when you did you were so upset.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have been, but all he saw was his rider freaking out after not seeing you for so long.  He knew you were with him that day.  And now that it’s all said and done you don’t go near him.  He’s getting better, it’s safe to be close to him now, but this is the first time you’ve set foot near his stall since he came back to live with you.”

          “I don’t think horses feel guilty,” she muttered.  Aidan looked to the big horse standing in the corner of the stall.  His head was hanging, and he wouldn’t look at them. 

          “I think you’re wrong.  He’s only a victim as long as you let him be one… and so are you.” When she looked at him he smiled slightly, leaning closer and kissing her cheek gently before standing up.  He moved to the stall door and said, “Don’t stay too long.” When she looked up he was gone.  Natalie sighed, looking back at Apollo before letting her head hit the wall.  The horse looked at her then, their eyes locked. 

          “I’m sorry Ap,” she whispered.

          Natalie walked into her physical therapist’s office the following day and looked around for a moment.  The receptionist looked at her in surprise.

          “Ms. Ryan, this isn’t your scheduled appointment time,” the matronly woman said.  Natalie nodded.

          “Is there any way I could speak with Jackie or Curtis?” Natalie asked.  Both Jackie and Curtis had spent time working with her since surgery, and they were good therapists. 

          “I think Jackie has a break right now.  Would you like to go back to her office?”

          “Yes.  Thank you,” Natalie said, walking past the desk and going through a doorway.  She walked to Jackie’s office, stopping outside for several minutes before working up the nerve to go in.  Jackie looked up, unable to hide her astonishment at seeing Natalie standing there.

          “Well this is a surprise,” she said, putting down the folder she’d been leafing through.  Natalie nodded, sitting down across from the woman and drawing in a deep breath.

          “I haven’t been trying very hard here,” she said finally.  Jackie nodded.

          “That’s true.  Would you like to discontinue your therapy?  At this point if you’re just going to continue on the way we have been, it won’t do you much good anyway,” Jackie said honestly.  Natalie swallowed hard, shaking her head. 

          “No, I don’t want to stop.  I umm… I want to try to do better.  Do you think it’s too late to fix things… as much as they can be?” The other woman looked surprised again, but she turned and pulled a folder out of her cabinet.  There were x-rays inside, along with pages of typed and handwritten text. 

          “From the look of your last x-ray, things have a good base to build on.  It will be hard at first; harder than it was when we first started actually.  You won’t be use to putting in so much effort, and it’s going to hurt.” Natalie nodded slowly, glancing at her hands where they sat in her lap before looking up again.

          “That’s OK… I’m expecting that.” Jackie looked at her for a long moment.

          “What’s brought about this change Natalie?  We’ve been working together for almost a year, and you haven’t shown the slightest interest in actually rehabilitating past the walking stage… and even that has been mediocre at best.  Why are you suddenly motivated to do something to take care of your injury?” Natalie shrugged.

          “I had a conversation with a friend that made me rethink a few things.  I’m selling myself short and I shouldn’t be.” Jackie smiled. 

          “Sounds like a good friend.”  Natalie nodded and smiled.

          “Yeah.  So should we just keep the same schedule for therapy?”

          “I think we should step it up to three times a week if you’re really committed to starting to do some good work.  Think you can handle that?” Jackie asked.  Natalie smiled again.

          “Yeah, I think so.  When should I come in again?”

          “I’ll see you on Monday at one thirty.  Take this weekend off to rest up, you’ll need it,” Jackie said with a wink.  Natalie grinned, standing up slowly.

          “OK.  Thanks Jackie,” she murmured as she walked out.

          Aidan pulled his truck to a stop in front of Natalie’s barn several weeks later.  He had been scheduled to ride nearly two hours earlier that day, but there had been an emergency at Greg’s that he’d been needed for.  It was an incredibly humid evening, the type of weather that made it feel like you were walking through pea soup.  Clouds loomed in the distance, and Aidan thought briefly how much he hoped it would rain.  He walked into the barn and glanced around for either Chris or Natalie, but saw neither one of them.  He could hear the horses eating their evening meals as he made his way up the aisle.  A noise from the arena caught his attention, and he made his way in.  Natalie stood at the center of the ring, watching as Apollo cantered around her.  The horse had worked himself into a lather, but showed no signs of slowing.  He was eying Natalie nervously.  Her blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail at the middle of her head, and she wore a gray tank top and pair of jeans.  A heavy brace was on her left leg, something she hadn’t been wearing for months.  Aidan leaned against the wall, standing back in the shadows to watch as Natalie slowly eased herself to a sitting position.  She said nothing to Apollo as he raced around her, instead focused on something in her hands.  After several more minutes Apollo ceased his frantic flight around the arena, turning to eye her suspiciously.  She lifted her hand to her mouth, and Aidan could see that she held an apple.  She took a bite, pausing to chew it slowly.  He could see that she was sweating, dark patches soaked  the space between her shoulder blades.  Apollo tossed his head uneasily, taking two steps toward her before turning and trotting away again.  When he’d stopped, Natalie took another bite of the apple and then rolled it across the arena.  It stopped a few inches from Apollo’s front right hoof, and the big horse looked at it for a moment before leaning down and eating it.  Aidan let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, pushing away from the wall and quietly letting himself into the ring.  Apollo looked at him, but Natalie gave no sign that she’d heard him.  

          “Natalie?” he asked.  She kept staring at Apollo, so he crouched down next to her, putting a hand on her bare shoulder.  She was clammy, skin covered by a fine perspiration.  “Hey,” he murmured. 

          “Do you think he’ll ever come near me again?” she asked, looking at him with troubled blue eyes.  Aidan gave Apollo an appraising look.  The horse was sniffing the ground, seemingly in search of more treats. 

          “I think it will take a lot of time, but yes… he’ll come around.  He’s been through a lot.” Natalie nodded.

          “I know that.” She was silent for a moment, looking down at her hands before looking back up at Apollo.  “My parents should have let Greg put him down.  Hell, Greg shouldn’t have listened to them.  They were such idiots when it came to things like this.” 

          “You’re probably right.  The time for that passed a long time ago though, and he’s still here.  I think he’s going to surprise all of us, you know?  I think he’s going to at least recover his sanity, and maybe a little bit more than that.”

          “Really?” she asked, turning her head to look at him again.  Aidan smiled, reaching down to give her hand a squeeze. 

          “Yes, really… especially since it seems like he’s got another person on his side now.  I think you’re the most important person for him to have there.” She nodded.

          “You’re probably right.” They sat in silence for several minutes before she let out a breath.  “Could you help me up?  I never should’ve sat down here like this.” Aidan nodded, standing up and taking her outstretched hand.  He pulled her up slowly, putting his arm around her waist as she struggled to put her full weight on her knee. 

          “You OK?  You haven’t worn this big brace in a long time,” he observed.  She smiled tightly, leaning on him for another moment before stepping away. 

          “Yeah, I’m alright.  I think I’ve been over doing it with the barn chores.  I should take it easy tonight.”

          “That sounds like a very good idea.  I could get Apollo back to his stall and then I could help you make some dinner,” he offered.  She seemed to hesitate, glancing away from him and then back.

          “You wouldn’t mind?  I’m supposed to give you a lesson tonight…” she trailed off. 

          “Don’t worry about it tonight.  Go find somewhere to sit down while I get Apollo settled in.  I’ll find you in a few minutes,” he promised.  Natalie smiled a little.

          “Thank you Aidan,” she murmured, walking slowly from the arena.

          By the time Aidan had caught Apollo, cooled him out, got him to his stall, and fed him, an hour had passed.  The big stallion had been in an uncooperative mood, so the whole thing had been a process.  Natalie was sitting on a bale of hay near the main door of the barn, watching as a storm moved across the fields and toward the barn.  She’d let her hair down, and it blew back in the wind. 

          “Hey, sorry it took so long,” he said as he approached.  She glanced at him over her shoulder, smiling and giving a shrug as she turned back to watch the storm.

          “No big deal.  It’s been nice sitting here in the breeze,” she said.  He leaned against the door jam across from her, watching the storm as it came toward them.

          “It looks like we’re about to get some crazy weather,” he said, motioning toward the approaching wall of water.  Natalie nodded, looking up at him.

          “We’re due for it.  It’s been so unbearably hot lately,” she said.  The first rain drops were starting to fall in the stable yard, hitting the dirt and leaving tiny circles of wetness.  The wind blew harder, blowing dust across the yard and toward the fields.  Thunder rumbled, no longer in the distance as the storm rolled in and settled over the farm.  Natalie drew in a deep breath, closing her eyes and letting it out as the sky opened up and the rain poured down.  Aidan watched her closely, sensing something was wrong but unsure what it was or how to ask. 

          “Natalie, are you…” She opened her eyes and shook her head slowly for a moment.

          “Don’t ask me anything right now.  Let’s go up to the house and you can see what an abomination my kitchen is,” she said with a smile.  Aidan laughed.       

          “You want to walk up to the house now?” he asked incredulously.  It was Natalie’s turn to laugh, a sound he hadn’t had an opportunity to get used to in the months since he’d begun riding with her.  She rarely ever laughed. 

          “Now’s as good a time as any I’d say.  It doesn’t look like this will be letting up any time soon.” She held out her hand to him expectantly, and he helped her to her feet again.  When she was standing he turned around, glancing at her over his shoulder. 

          “Hop on,” he said.  She tilted her head to the side in confusion.

          “What?” she demanded.  He turned to look at her.

          “Piggyback ride, let’s go.  It’ll take us three hours for you to gimp your way up to the house, and we’ll both end up with pneumonia by the time it’s over.  Hop on and I’ll get us there quicker,” he said with a wink.  Natalie scowled at him.

          “Gimp my way up to the house?” she repeated with a raised eyebrow.  Aidan laughed, turning back around to look at her over his shoulder.

          “Come on gimpy, let’s go,” he teased.  She rolled her eyes as she carefully climbed up on the bale of hay.  Aidan stepped back and Natalie gave a tiny hop toward him, propelling herself onto his back.  His hands slid under her thighs as he bounced her up a little higher on his hips.  “Comfy?” he asked.  Her arms slid around his shoulders, giving his bicep a pinch as she did.

          “Let’s just get this over with,” she muttered, but he could hear the smile in her voice.  He stepped out in the rain, walking quickly across the muddy barn yard as the rain poured down around them.  Natalie pressed her face against his neck.  “This is nuts,” she said, shivering as thunder boomed and lightning cracked.  They made it to her house and Aidan opened the door, stepping inside quickly.  He walked through the front hall and to the living room before setting her down on the couch.  She grinned up at him.  “Thanks.”

          “Anytime.” He plopped down in the arm chair in the corner, looking at her for a long moment.  “You should probably change into something dry.  You don’t need to be sick.” Natalie glanced away, the smile still on her face.

          “You’re probably right,” she murmured, looking back at him.  Aidan frowned at the amused look on her face.

          “What’s so funny?” he demanded.  Natalie leaned back into the plush cushions of the couch, carefully lifting her left leg up and stretching it out on the couch. 

          “Nothing… you just sound like my parents did when I was still living at home.  They were constantly worried about my recovery and what would affect it.  They were on my case more after the accident than they were before it I think.”

          “They wanted you to get better,” he said.  Natalie shrugged, glancing out the window and watching the rain pour down the panes for a long moment.  Lightning lit the sky as she turned back to him.

          “Yes, I suppose they did.  It’s no fun to have a famous daughter when she’s only famous for a crippling car accident.” Aidan frowned again. 

          “You don’t think they cared about you… that they just wanted you to be healthy again?” he asked.  Her eyes had clouded over.

          “You were at Greg’s when they brought Apollo in right?” she asked.  He nodded so she continued, “And you were there all those months when he was in that stall suffering, because my parents told Greg to keep him alive?” He gave another nod.  “That’s how much my parents care about me.  They want me better so I can continue being famous, so they can live vicariously through me.  They kept Apollo alive because he and I made an exceptionally good team.  All they care about is what my life can bring them, and up until the accident it brought them a great deal of comfort and a whole lot of publicity.  That’s all my parents care about.” He was frowning, watching as she turned away from him again.

          “I’m sorry they’ve made you feel that way,” he said finally.  Natalie turned back toward him, eyes confused.  “What’s wrong?” he inquired.  She shook her head.

          “You just always surprise me, that’s all,” she said, slowly swinging her legs to the floor and standing with a grimace.  “There’s the number for a good pizza place on the fridge.  I really don’t think I have anything to cook,” she told him as she limped from the room.  He heard her making her way down the hall to her bedroom, so he went to the kitchen to order the pizza. 

          Aidan was jolted from sleep by screaming, terrified screaming.  He bolted upright, and it took him a moment to remember that he was in Natalie’s living room.  A quick glance at the clock told him it was two in the morning.  He’d fallen asleep on the small love seat at some point.  He looked toward the couch, squinting through the darkness, until he could see Natalie.  She was still asleep, moaning something and moving restlessly.  She screamed again, and he got to his feet quickly.  He crouched down beside her, putting his hand gently on her arm. 

          “Natalie, wake up,” he murmured.  She gave another moan, thrashing harder.  Sweat had soaked through her T-shirt.  “Natalie, it’s Aidan.  You’re dreaming.  Wake up,” he said again, louder this time.  She screamed one final time, sitting upright and breathing heavily as she came awake.  “Natalie?” he asked.  He was surprised when her hand shot out, closing over his and squeezing hard. 

          “Hang on a second,” she said, voice shaking slightly.  Aidan watched as she drew in several deep breaths, and he moved so he was sitting behind her on the couch.  He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and gently pulled her back into his chest, surprised again when she came willingly.  They were silent for several more moments as she tried to calm herself down.  She finally let out a long breath, relaxing into him.

          “Are you OK?” he asked.  She nodded slowly, but made no move to pull away from him.  It was still raining outside; Aidan could here the drops hitting the windows with little pings and taps. 

          “Yes, I think so.  I’m sorry about that… I have nightmares sometimes,” she explained.  She pulled away from him now, turning to look at him through the darkness. 

          “Do you want to talk about it?” She let out a little laugh, raking her fingers through her sleep-rumpled hair. 

          “It’s what you’d probably imagine it to be,” she said after a moment’s pause.  Aidan watched as she looked out the window, rubbing her hands roughly over her face. 

          “About the accident?” She nodded, continuing to look out the window.  Her face had tensed though, he could see that even in the dark.  He reached out and took her hand in his, squeezing it gently.  Natalie turned to look at him.  “How often do you dream about it?”

          “Every night since I woke up in the hospital and remembered what happened,” she said honestly.  Aidan considered this for a moment, glancing toward the window and watching the water slide down the glass in tiny streams. 

          “You haven’t told anyone,” he said, and it was a statement rather than a question.  Natalie shook her head.

          “Nope… well I just told you.”

          “True,” he said with a smile.  She let out another big breath, flopping back against the couch cushions and closing her eyes for several minutes.  “You must not be sleeping too much.” She shook her head, stifling a yawn.

          “No, not really.  I’m getting used to it.” Aidan frowned.

          “That’s not really something you should be getting used to.  Have you talked to your doctor about it at all?” She glanced at him, smiling slightly.

          “No.  There’s really nothing to talk about.  I used to get insomnia all the time before the accident.  This is just part of a cycle I’m going through.” She shifted, turning toward him but still snuggled against the back of the couch. 

          “This is a little different, wouldn’t you say?” She was playing with a stray thread on the back of the couch as she shrugged. 

          “I don’t know, probably.  At least there’s a reason I’m awake every night now.  It’ll go away with more time,” she assured him.  He said nothing at first, and Natalie was sure he would try to convince her otherwise.

          “You should climb into bed and get as much sleep as you can,” he said finally.  She looked at him through the darkness as he stood and held his hand out to her to help her up. 

          “You never say what I’m expecting you to,” she murmured, taking his hand and letting him pull her to her feet. 

          “Gotta’ keep you on your toes,” he kidded.  “I’ll tuck you in.” They walked down the hall in silence, Natalie going into the bathroom and changing into a pair of shorts before continuing to her room.  She turned on the bedside lamp, casting a warm glow over the left side of the room.  She glanced at Aidan and smiled; his hair was standing up on his head in every different direction. 

          “Thanks for hanging out tonight,” she said, plopping down on the bed.  He nodded, looking down at her leg.  A long, angry scar ran down the front of her kneecap.  Another scar crossed her ankle.  He could tell they had faded substantially since the surgeries that put them there.  “Ugly aren’t they?” she asked with a smile.  He looked at her and shook his head.

          “I don’t think anything that shows how strong you are can be ugly.” He pulled back the covers and said, “Snuggle in.” Natalie laughed, but did as he said.  Aidan turned off the light as he pulled the comforter up around her.  “Try to get some sleep,” he murmured, placing a kiss on her forehead.  He’d taken several steps away from the bed, and had reached the door. 

          “Aidan?” she asked suddenly.  He turned back toward her.

          “Yeah?”

          “Would you mind staying?” He hesitated briefly.

          “Umm… no.  Do you have any extra blankets and pillows?  I’ll just fix myself up on the couch.” She let out a sigh.

          “I meant, would you mind staying here.” When he didn’t say anything she sighed again.  “I know that’s weird.  I’m sorry.  It just felt a lot better when I woke up and you were there.” He stood by the door for a minute more before moving back to the bed, crawling in beside her.  She rolled on to her side, letting out a big breath.  They lay in silence for several minutes before Natalie said softly, “Thank you.”  Aidan reached out and squeezed her arm gently for a moment.

          “Get some sleep,” he replied.

          His arm was wrapped securely around her waist when Natalie awoke the next morning.  It was still raining outside, and when she glanced at the clock she let out a little gasp.  It was nearly ten in the morning.  She moved slowly, rolling on to her back, in an attempt not to wake Aidan up.  His eyes fluttered open and he smiled.

          “Good morning,” he said, rolling away from her and stretching. 

          “Morning.” She sat up, leaning against the headboard and looking out the window.  None of the horses were out, even though she knew Chris was down at the barn.  The man must’ve left them in due to the weather.  Aidan glanced at his watch and frowned.

          “Ten?  Man, I haven’t slept this late in… forever,” he murmured, folding his arms behind his head and glancing up at her.  She smiled down at him.

          “Me either.  I don’t think I woke up again at all last night.  I can’t remember the last time I got eight hours of sleep.” Aidan glanced around the room, surprised to find several photos of the horses on the walls.  When he looked at her again he winked.

          “What can I say?  I work miracles,” he kidded.  Natalie laughed, nudging him playfully.  She tossed back the covers before standing up carefully and padding to the window.  When she looked back at him, Aidan was watching her closely. 

          “We’ll have to ride in the arena today,” she said, turning back to the view.  He nodded.

          “Sounds good.  Leftover pizza for breakfast?” he asked, rolling out of bed and coming to stand beside her.  She nodded, watching as Chris came out of the barn with a wheelbarrow full of soiled bedding. 

          “That’s probably all I have.” She looked up at him and grinned, brushing her hair over her shoulder.  “Thank you for everything last night,” she said after a moment’s pause.  Aidan shrugged, glancing out the window.

          “It’s not a big deal Natalie,” he replied.  She reached out and took his hand in hers, and he looked back down into her eyes.

          “It is a big deal.  My life hasn’t lent itself well to making friends up until now, so I really don’t have anyone around that I can count on in that capacity.  You staying here last night was really helpful to me… and I really don’t have anyone else that I would’ve trusted enough to ask.  You’ve been an extremely good friend since the first moment I met you, and that means more than I can possibly tell you.” He smiled.

          “You’re welcome.  Let’s go grab a slice of pizza before we go to the barn.  I should ride twice today to make up for yesterday.” Natalie laughed, walking up the hall and pausing at the bathroom door. 

          “I’m going to take a quick shower, help yourself to whatever you can find in the kitchen.  I’ll be there in a minute.” He nodded and continued on to the kitchen, listening as the water started to run.  He could hear her humming, and he smiled as he took a piece of pizza out of the box and sat down to eat.

Chris was standing at Apollo’s stall door several mornings later, watching the big stallion carefully.  Aidan came to stand beside him, looking inside for a moment before glancing at the older man.  

“Something wrong?” he inquired.  Chris shrugged, pushing away from the stall and picking up two flakes of hay to toss them inside.  Apollo came forward and began to eat, making a soft crunching sound.

“It’s about time someone started to work with him again.  I don’t think it’s doing him any good to stand in a stall all the time.  I bet Greg would want him doing some longe line work or something.” Aidan nodded.

“I’m sure he just assumes it’s being done.  We don’t talk about Natalie or things here too much… he knows I wouldn’t tell him much of anything anyway.” 

“Miss Natalie is still pretty upset with him for going along with her parents.  She may’ve hated competing, but she really cares a lot for the horses.  To her, lying about Apollo all those months and keeping him in pain for so long is completely unforgivable.  I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive any of them for what they did.” Aidan walked along side as Chris continued to toss hay into all the stalls.  The farm had taken on two more boarders in the previous weeks, and Natalie was teaching lessons to several young riders. 

“Did she have any friends before?  Seems a shame that she’s been so isolated since the accident.” Chris shook his head.

“I’ve worked for the Ryan’s, for Natalie, since she was about sixteen.  Her father built her that barn, and it was clear from the moment it I stepped foot inside that she’d never even asked for that.  I’d never seen a kid so damn good at riding hate it so damn much.  She never had friends over, never rode with anyone.  By the time I came along all the fun had gone out of it.  She still worked with a trainer once or twice a week, but it wasn’t necessary.  I think I’m the only person she really talked to down there, unless it was to tell her parents to get off her case.  Competitive riding can be really difficult on a person, and Natalie started so young that I think any friendships she might’ve formed were ruined by having to always win and beat everyone.”

“If everyone is competition, it’s pretty hard to be friends,” Aidan murmured.  Chris nodded, plopping down on a bale of hay.

“It’s good you came along Aidan,” he said. 

“I don’t know about that,” the young man said with a laugh.  Chris looked at him seriously.

“I do.  She’s needed a friend for a long time, someone she can rely on.  You’ve been a good friend to her.” There was another bale of hay across the aisle, and Aidan sat on it.  He was quiet for a moment, looking down at his feet.  His boots were caked with mud from turning horses out. 

          “I’m guessing she’s never had a boyfriend or anything,” he muttered.  Chris let out a surprised laugh, and then continued to chuckle as he stood up. 

          “That’s a whole other can of worms,” he said through his laughter.  Aidan looked up at him, frowning as he raked his fingers through his hair.

          “What do you mean?”

          “Mr. and Mrs. Ryan told her that she needed to focus on her career, and dating could wait until she’d had an Olympic run.  Miss Natalie just went along with it.  Only guys you saw following her were the ones who lost to her.  Nobody’s ever been crazy enough to even try to start something up with her.”

          “Oh,” he murmured, standing up slowly and starting up the aisle.  Chris laughed again.

          “Got yourself a crush Aidan?” he asked teasingly.  Aidan rolled his eyes. 

          “You’re worse than a teenager.  I’m going to water the horses before my lesson,” he replied, walking up the aisle and pretending not to notice the laughter that followed him.

          Natalie finished her last set of leg lifts with a groan, leaning back against the weight machine and closing her eyes for a long moment before wiping the sweat from her forehead.  Jackie stood beside her, a smile on her face.

          “Great job Natalie,” she said.  Natalie gave a little laugh as she turned and let Jackie help her to her feet.  It had been almost two months since Natalie had decided to apply herself at physical therapy, and progress was slow.  There had been progress though.  She no longer had to wear the big brace at all, even after a difficult session.  She rarely had to use her cane any longer either, and only had to keep a support brace in place when she knew she’d be doing a substantial amount of physical activity. 

          “Thanks.  Are we done for today?” she asked.  Jackie laughed and nodded, walking along side her toward the front desk.

          “Yup.  What are you going to do this weekend?” Natalie pulled the rubber band out of her hair, fixed her ponytail and then put the elastic tie back around it. 

          “I’m not sure really.  I think I have a couple of training sessions with some of the people who board at the stable, and I’m sure Aidan will ride.  He has a show coming up soon, his first one over fences.”

          “Sounds like a good time.  How long has he been riding with you now?” She considered this for a moment.

          “About five months I think.  He’s gotten a whole lot better in that time, I think he’ll really do well at this show.  Aidan is really excited too.” Jackie was looking at her thoughtfully.  “What?”

          “It’s nice to hear you sounding so happy, that’s all.  We’ve been working together for a long time Natalie, and I don’t think you’ve been so content or excited about anything in that whole time.” Natalie smiled.

          “I’m feeling better about a lot of things,” she said.  She stopped at the front desk to pay her copay, and then shot Jackie one more smile.  “I’ll see you on Monday.”

          Aidan stood at the center of the arena Saturday morning, holding a longe line that led to Apollo’s halter.  The horse was trotting around him, tossing his head occasionally to object to the activity.  Natalie stood in the shadows and watched, a frown on her pretty face.  Someone behind her cleared their throat and she whirled.  Chris was standing there, looking at her seriously.

          “How long has this been going on?” she demanded.  Chris glanced at Aidan and Apollo and shrugged his shoulders.  It was a chilly day, so they were both wearing fleece vests. 

          “A month or so… maybe two.  He needs the work Miss Natalie,” he said.  She looked back toward the ring and saw that Aidan was standing by Apollo’s head and looking at her.  She drew in a deep breath and went to the railing.

          “He umm… he looked good!  You should keep going and I’ll tack up Poe for you if you want,” she called.  He stared back at her, clearly surprised by her reaction.

          “That’d be great,” he answered.  She nodded and turned, brushing past Chris and moving up the aisle. 

          “I thought I’d noticed him muscling up a little bit,” she murmured as she went.

          Aidan stood in Poe’s stall after his lesson with Natalie.  They had worked hard that day over fences, and unlike their usual lesson they hadn’t talked much while they worked.  Natalie called directions and he followed them, and when they were finished she excused herself.  He gave the big gelding a final pat and slid the stall door shut, pausing to pick up the saddle and bridle on his way to the tack room.  When he’d put all the gear away he turned off the light and closed the door.  As he made his way up the aisle, he paused to look at the large white board.  There were no lessons scheduled other than his. 

          “How was the lesson?” Chris asked.  Aidan shrugged, plopping down on a bale of hay. 

          “Alright considering Natalie is pissed off with me,” he muttered.  Chris smiled, watching as the younger man raked his fingers through his hair. 

          “I don’t think Miss Natalie is angry at you Aidan… I think she’s angry at herself, for not doing what you’re doing.  She’s angry she can’t make herself do what she wants to do in taking care of that horse.”

          “She’ll get there eventually.” Chris nodded. 

          “Of course she will.  She’s always been a stubborn girl though, and not being able to do what she wants to do frustrates the hell out of her.  She’s not mad with you though, so don’t worry about it,” he said as he walked off.  Aidan sighed, sitting for a  moment longer before pushing himself to his feet and walking out of the barn and toward the house.

          She was sitting on the back porch, left leg propped up on a chair and a large plastic bag filled with ice resting on her knee.  Aidan watched her for a moment as she sat with her head reclining back against the chair and her eyes closed.  She suddenly shifted in her seat, grimacing as she did.  He walked up the steps, and even though she didn’t open her eyes he could tell that she’d heard him. 

          “Hey,” he said. 

          “What’s up?” she replied, opening her eyes to look at him.  He was leaning against the porch railing, watching her carefully. 

          “I wanted to apologize, for working with Apollo and not talking about it with you first.  That’s no better than what your parents did when they made all those decisions without you, and I really didn’t mean for it to be that way.” She smiled.

          “I’m not mad at you Aidan,” she said.  When he looked unsure she added, “I promise.  I was surprised when I first saw you… but I’m glad more than anything.  He needs the exercise, and I’m glad that you’re able to get him focused enough to do the work.  He’s looking a lot better lately.”

          “A lot more muscle in his shoulders and hind end, that’s for sure.  I think he has less of a limp on that foreleg too,” he said.  Natalie nodded.

          “You’re right.  Thank you for doing so much with him… I’m trying to do more, but it’s still hard,” she muttered.  Aidan came to sit in the chair beside her.  They sat in silence for several minutes, looking out at the farm.  The leaves had just started to change colors, and the air was crisp and cool.

          “What’s with the ice pack?” he asked.  She glanced at him and then shook her head slowly. 

          “You’re not the only one who’s been keeping some work quiet lately,” she said.  Aidan tilted his head to the side in confusion.

          “I’m not sure what you mean,” he said. 

          “I’ve been doing three days a week at the physical therapists office for the past few months.  Jackie is working me pretty hard, and I think we’re making some kind of progress.  Although at this point I really don’t see how that’s possible.  By Saturday I’m hurting.”

          “Wow,” he said softly.

          “Yeah.” Another silence stretched out between them, and she shifted in her chair again.  She pulled the ice pack away from her knee, and he could see that it was slightly swollen.

          “You’re not over doing it are you?” he inquired.  Natalie laughed and shook her head.

          “No, I don’t think so.  I’m doing what I should’ve been doing all along, and it’s just taking its toll.  I think it’ll take another month or so before it gets easier.  Jackie says that it’s going really well though.”

          “What made you want to work so hard at this?” She pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, looking away from him for a long moment before she answered.

          “You did, to be completely honest.  That night in Apollo’s stall when you told me we were only casualties as long as I let us be… you were right.  There’s no law saying I have to compete again, and I was being incredibly stupid to give such a half-assed effort at therapy just because I was afraid of being pushed back into a show ring.  So now I’m doing what I want to do, and that’s take care of myself.” He reached across the space between them to give her hand a squeeze. 

          “I’m proud of you,” he said.  She smiled, lacing her fingers through his as she leaned back against the chair.

          “So am I,” she murmured.

          Aidan sat astride Poe the following Saturday awaiting his turn in the ring.  Natalie stood beside him, watching the competition with keen blue eyes.

          “You see how she took that fence?” she asked, pointing to the horse and rider in the ring.  Aidan nodded.  “Don’t do it like that.  It was a rushed fence, and now they’re going to…” she trailed off as the duo had a rail down at the next obstacle.  “See, rail down.  Just remember to half halt if he gets too forward.”

          “OK, I will,” he promised.  She looked up at him and smiled broadly.

          “I think I’m actually nervous.  How ridiculous is that?” she asked with a laugh.  Aidan grinned, leaning down to double check his girth.  Poe stood placidly amidst the crowds and commotion of the show grounds.

          “You never got nervous when you competed?” She laughed, shaking her head.  Her hair was pulled partially back, with the top half French braided, and the rest hanging loose around her shoulders.  She was wearing a pair of jeans, paddock boots, and had a blue fleece coat on to keep out the brisk autumn air. 

          “Usually I was too busy hoping I’d lose, or put in a poor showing so my parents would get off my back.  I really didn’t care about any of it, at least not after I was about twelve.”

          “Sounds like a long time of wishing to be tossed out of the ring,” he murmured.  Natalie nodded slowly, watching the rider in the ring for a moment.

          “It was.  The good thing was that I never had the jitters like some people get.  I’m nervous now though.” Aidan brushed a bit of dust from the toe of his boot.

          “I wonder why,” he said.  She shrugged, smiling slightly as she wrapped her arms around herself at a sudden chill. 

          “Probably because I’ve never taught anyone how to ride… it’s a whole different dynamic.  If you don’t do well I’ll feel bad; you’ve put in so much work and effort, so I know you’ll be disappointed.” She gave another shrug and smiled up at him.  “I just want it to go well for you.”

          “I think it will.  I feel pretty confident.” They lapsed into silence as they watched another rider navigate the course.  It was a novice class, the fences fairly low and with relatively few tricky combinations.  Natalie smiled to herself, trying to remember the last time she’d ridden in a class like that.  As the rider in the ring finished, the loudspeaker crackled and Aidan’s number was called. 

          “Remember to count, and half halt, especially toward the solid fences with a large lead time because he’ll try to rush,” she said quickly.  Aidan grinned.

          “I will,” he said, trotting Poe into the ring.  Natalie leaned against the fence, looking through the rails to watch as Aidan and Poe halted to salute the judges.  Moments later Poe broke into an easy canter, turning toward the first jump in a series of twelve.  Aidan kept the big horse well in hand, and she found herself nearly sick to her stomach with anticipation as they came to the last few fences.  She counted the strides to herself as Aidan and Poe took them, nodding to herself as they cleared one fence after the other.  They moved over the last fence and then cantered a circle before dropping back down to a trot.  Aidan tipped his chin to recognize the judges one last time before he came out of the ring.  Natalie smiled at him.

          “That was a lovely round.  I think you have at least a second place ribbon coming your way.” Aidan patted Poe’s dark brown shoulder.

          “That’d be a nice way to start,” he replied.  She squeezed his calf, turning back to the ring to watch.

          “It sure would,” she said.

          By Christmas, Natalie was working with close to fifteen riders on a regular basis.  Surprisingly, no one seemed surprised that she’d taken up training riders.  She traveled to many of the shows she had once competed in, enjoying them now that she wasn’t expected to perform.  Aidan continued to compete, showing well in his classes and bringing many blue ribbons back to display at the farm.  In fact, all of Natalie’s riders were showing well, a fact that hadn’t gone unnoticed in the papers.  Aidan was at the barn late on  Christmas Eve.  His parents had gone on a cruise for Christmas, so he was going to spend it helping out around the farm.  Chris had left just after the nightly feeding to visit family in Wisconsin.  Aidan stopped at Apollo’s stall, frowning when he saw that the big stallion was missing. 

          “Where could he be?” he whispered, moving up the aisle.  He paused at the entrance to the arena, hearing a noise from the ring.  He walked down the short hallway, stopping as he saw Natalie standing in the ring.  Apollo was there with her, standing just a few feet away from her. 

          “Come on Ap, you can do it,” she murmured.  She was holding her hand out, and he could see that she was holding an apple.  Apollo took two hesitant steps toward her before pausing and tossing his head.  Natalie took a tiny step forward and then stood still, waiting for the horse to make the next move.  Apollo waited for what seemed like an eternity, but finally closed the distance between them and took the apple from her hand.  The smile on Natalie’s face was almost blinding as she reached up to gently touch the stallion’s neck.  Apollo stayed close just long enough to finish chewing the apple before moving away from her with a snort.

          “How long have you been working at this?” he inquired.  Natalie whirled at the sound of his voice, but her smile never wavered.

          “Since that very first time when you found us… they day I was sitting in the middle of the arena.  It’s taken until today for him to take the apple from me.”

          “Congratulations.  What are you going to do after he gets back to his stall?” She walked to the railing and leaned on it, giving a shrug

          “I’m not going to my parents’ if that’s what you’re asking,” she replied.  Aidan shook his head, entering the ring and walking across to clip a lead rope to Apollo’s halter.  He led the big horse out of the ring and Natalie followed quietly.

          “That’s not what I meant.  I didn’t figure you would go over there.” She watched in silence as he led Apollo into his stall, thankful that he didn’t seem interested in discussing that issue further. 

          “I’ll probably make something for dinner and watch a movie.  There’s probably something on TV that will be good.  They usually show those cheesy claymation Christmas movies on Christmas Eve.  What are you up to tonight?” Aidan shrugged, flicking off the lights as they made their way up the aisle.

          “Nothing much.  My family is out of town, so I’ll probably go home and relax.”

          “You should hang out here tonight.  I actually have food in the house,” she kidded.  Aidan laughed, stopping to stand at the main barn door.  It had snowed recently, covering the ground with a thick white blanket.  He watched as Natalie pulled a hat on her head, pulling it over her ears.  She smiled at him and her breath came out in little puffs of fog.

          “You sure you want company?” he asked.  She rolled her eyes.

          “Be serious Aidan, I always want your company.” He smiled, knowing this was true.  They’d spent many nights together watching movies or just talking since that first night he’d stayed at her house.  He always ended up staying the night, curled up beside her to ward off her nightmares. 

          “OK then, let’s get up to the house.  It’s freezing out here.” They walked up to the house in silence, going slowly so she wouldn’t slip on any patches of ice.  Her knee was slowly strengthening, although the physical therapist and doctor both agreed that competitive show jumping would never be in her future again.  In fact, they were fairly sure she’d never jump a fence again, and she was just fine with it.  Aidan hadn’t seen her bat an eyelash at any of the news the doctors had given her, other than to adamantly refuse that she would ever sit in a saddle again in any capacity.  They went into the house, pausing to kick the snow off their boots before stepping into the dark front hallway.  They each took their boots off and he followed her into the kitchen.  She flicked on the light and went to open the refrigerator and look inside.

          “I could make cheeseburgers or spaghetti,” she said, bending to look on the bottom shelf.  Aidan glanced away.

          “Hmm, those are both exceptionally traditional foods to eat on Christmas,” he teased.  She glared at him over her shoulder.

          “Well I don’t have a turkey thawing, so you’re going to have to make due,” she shot back.  He laughed.

          “Let’s have cheeseburgers.  Do you have fries?” Natalie opened the freezer and grabbed a bag of frozen steak fries, tossing them in his direction.  They hit his chest with a thud and he grunted.  “Thanks a lot,” he muttered.  She took a pound of hamburger from the refrigerator and set it on the counter. 

          “I’ll make the burgers if you make the French fries,” she said.  He nodded and opened the bag.

          “Sounds like a plan,” he said. 

          They sat in her living room laughing at ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed’ Reindeer after dinner.  Natalie muted the television as the movie went to commercial.

          “I can’t believe I used to love this so much,” she said.  Aidan laughed. 

          “It’s amazing what we thought was cool when we were kids,” he agreed.  She shifted, stretching her left leg out on the couch.  Her foot touched his thigh and she smiled.

          “Is that ok?” she asked.  Aidan shot her a withering look.

          “Seriously Natalie,” he replied.  The movie came back on and she let the sound come back on.  “What did you do with your family on Christmas?” he asked suddenly.  She glanced at him, thinking for a moment before shrugging.

          “It depended on whether I was showing or not.  A show always took precedence over anything else, even Christmas.  So if there was a show I was supposed to compete in, I did that.  Christmas Eve was usually a big dinner, if we were home.  There were always a lot of presents on Christmas morning, although most of them I really didn’t want.  They always used it as an excuse to get me new riding gear.  Mostly what I wanted when I was younger was toys, you know a Barbie or play dough or something like that.  I guess I just wanted to be a kid.  Mom and Dad would let me sleep in, and when I got up there would be a big breakfast.  We’d eat and then we’d open presents.  The tree was always lit up when I got up, even when I got old enough to know that Santa wasn’t the one turning the lights on.  Usually it was a really nice morning.” 

          “Sounds like it,” he said.

          “What about your family?  What do you usually do?”

          “Well, we usually take a trip.  Like Mom and Dad right now on their cruise.  We would go somewhere because I was off from school.”

          “That must’ve been a pretty neat way to spend the holidays.  You probably had the best Christmas Vacation stories at school,” she said.  Aidan laughed.

          “I suppose I did.  Are you going to miss doing all the usual stuff this year?” he asked.  Natalie thought for a moment, brushing her hair over her shoulder.

          “I don’t think I will.  I’m so much happier now that I don’t have all that pressure in my life.  I’ll miss the decorations and the big dinner I guess… and presents are always good,” she added with a smile.  Aidan nodded. 

          “You’re right about that.  We’ll have to come up with something to cook tomorrow so it feels like Christmas.” Natalie turned back to the TV.

          “That’d be nice,” she murmured.

          Natalie opened her eyes slowly, rolling on to her back and frowning as she stretched and realized Aidan was gone.  They had fallen asleep the night before, watching movies in he