Fadedwords

Happy Accidents (part 2)

Natalie awoke early the second Saturday in April.  When she rolled over she frowned; Aidan wasn’t beside her.  They usually slept in on Saturdays he spent the night.  She got up, pulling on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt before padding down the hall to the kitchen.  He wasn’t there either, so she pulled on a pair of barn sneakers and walked outside.  It was a chilly morning, but the sun was already beginning to warm the air.  She paused to draw in a deep breath of the fresh spring air, smiling at the barn yard.  Mist rose from the ground, and the sun was just coming up over the east side of the barn.  Several of the horses were already out.

          “He must’ve come down early to feed,” she murmured, walking down the hill and into the barn.  The aisle was empty, so she glanced into stalls as she went thinking he must’ve taken one of the horses out for some exercise.  She stopped when she reached Apollo’s stall.  The stallion was gone, which was nothing unusual in and of itself.  His halter was still there though, which made Natalie wonder where the horse could’ve gone without it.  She went into the arena, but found no sign of Aidan or Apollo.  Natalie was already frowning when she stepped out the door on the back side of the barn and saw a silhouette of a horse and rider moving around one of the large exercise rings.  Her frown deepened as she watched them.  The horse’s stride was choppy and unfocussed, but she would’ve recognized it anywhere.  As they came around a corner, the sun no longer at their backs, Natalie could see them clearly.  Aidan was riding Apollo at an easy posting trot, his lips moving as he talked quietly to the big stallion.  He was so focused on Apollo that he didn’t see Natalie move out of the shadows to stare at them.  They broke into a canter, and she could tell that they’d been doing this for some time.  Apollo always tried to duck in with strange riders, but he didn’t try it with Aidan.  She folded her arms across her chest as they continued around the ring.  “What do you think you’re doing?” she called.  Aidan pulled up sharply, turning Apollo toward the sound of her voice.  His jaw dropped and she could practically see him trying to think up an excuse or explanation. 

          “Natalie, I was just…”

          “I want you to get off of my horse and put him away,” she ordered, turning on her heel and stalking to the barn.  Aidan dismounted immediately, running the stirrups up their leathers and leading Apollo into the barn.  Apollo followed him into the stall and stood calmly while he was groomed and a cooler was tossed over his back.  Aidan unclipped the cross ties and slid the stall door shut behind him, pausing to latch it.  He went to the office and found Natalie sitting at the desk.  She looked at him seriously, her eyes hard and angry.

          “Give me a second to explain,” he began, but she shook her head.

          “No.  How long has this been going on?” she demanded, her voice taking on a cool edge.  Aidan sighed, raking his fingers through his hair.

          “A couple of weeks… maybe a month and a half all total.  He was muscled up and moving well, so I thought I should start working with him under saddle again.”

          “So you’ve been sneaking around riding my horse behind my back?” she said.  Aidan let out another breath, folding his arms over his chest defensively.

          “I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal.  I ride all your other horses,” he muttered.  Natalie’s eyes narrowed, and her frown deepened.

          “You know damn well that Apollo is not like the other horses here.  You also know it’s a big deal, otherwise you wouldn’t have been sneaking around to ride him.”

          “I was sneaking around because I knew you’d tell me no… and that there wouldn’t be a good reason for it.” She stood up angrily.

          “The only reason I need is that he’s my horse and you didn’t have permission to ride him.  I don’t like being lied to or misled Aidan.  Apollo is off limits.”

          “You’re being completely unreasonable,” he said angrily.  She tilted her chin up a fraction of an inch.

          “Am I really?” she murmured.

          “Yes.  He needs the work.  You can’t ride him, so I thought I’d do it.  I wasn’t trying to create a problem.”

          “Well you did.  Don’t come back tonight to ride, or tomorrow for that matter.  I won’t have someone working here that I can’t trust.” She started to leave the office, but Aidan caught her arm and turned her to face him.

          “You won’t have someone working here?  I thought I was doing a little bit more than working here Natalie.”

          “I won’t date someone I can’t trust either.  Please leave now.  I really don’t want to include Chris in this discussion, but I will if you don’t leave by yourself.” He released her with an angry sigh.

          “I’m sick of this bullshit anyway,” he muttered as he stalked by.  Natalie watched him go, forcing her face to remain angry despite the sick feeling forming in the pit of her stomach. 

          Mrs. Ryan glanced up from the book she was reading as she heard the front door open and then shut. 

          “David?” she called. 

          “No, it’s me!” Natalie called back.  Mrs. Ryan smiled as her daughter appeared in the doorway, shrugging out of her lightweight purple jacket and plopping down on the couch. 

          “This is a nice surprise,” she said, slipping a bookmark between the pages before closing her book and setting it down on the coffee table.  Natalie shrugged, curling her feet underneath herself.

          “I just finished up at physical therapy and thought I’d stop by to see how you were doing.”

          “I’m feeling fine today.  I went for another check up yesterday and the doctor is feeling even more hopeful that this last round of chemo will really be it.”

          “That’s great Mom.  Where’s Dad hiding?”

          “I think he went in to the office for a couple of hours.  He said he’d be back after lunch.  I think we’re going to go on a walk since it’s so nice out.” Natalie’s eyes drifted to the window and she looked out at the bright sunshine.  May had come in warm and breezy, but even the beautiful temperatures hadn’t improved Natalie’s mood any.  It had been almost a full month since she and Aidan had spoken. 

          “That sounds like it’ll be nice.  It’s good for you to get outside like that,” Natalie murmured, turning back to her mother and pasting on a smile.  Mrs. Ryan tilted her head to one side, adjusting the scarf on her head.  Her hair was in the process of growing out, and she was still self-conscious of what people might say if they saw her without the scarf.

          “Is something the matter Natalie?  You haven’t seemed yourself the last few times I saw you,” she said.  Natalie shrugged, tossing her hair over her shoulder and playing with a loose string on her shirt.

          “Yeah I guess.  I’m just kind of down lately,” she replied. 

          “Do you want to talk about it?” Natalie hesitated for a moment.  “I understand if you’d rather keep it to yourself,” Mrs. Ryan said.

          “No, it’s not that.  I just want you to remember to focus on the real problem, and not the part of it that includes Apollo.”

          “OK, I’ll try to do that.”

          “Alright.  Aidan and I broke up,” she said.  Mrs. Ryan’s eyes widened slightly, but she regarded Natalie evenly.

          “What happened to cause that?  I thought things were going well between you two.”

          “I did too.  I caught him riding Apollo one morning, and he admitted that he’d been doing it for awhile behind my back.  I was mad and I told him that I didn’t want someone I couldn’t trust working at my barn.  He got upset, and so I said that I didn’t want to date someone I couldn’t trust either.  So he left.  I haven’t heard from him since then.” She bit her bottom lip hard so she wouldn’t cry, and waited for her mother to say something.

          “How long has it been since you talked to him?”

          “About a month,” Natalie muttered miserably. 

          “Were you really upset with him because he wasn’t one hundred percent forthcoming with you, or was it something else?” Natalie frowned, her forehead creasing as she did.

          “I don’t know what you mean,” she said.

          “Well, I mean… were you really upset because he hadn’t told you about working with Apollo, or were you upset he was working with him and you can’t?” Natalie shook her head.

          “I’m not upset I can’t work with Apollo.  I’ve known that was the way it would be since I woke up after the accident.  Besides, not riding has been wonderful.”

          “I think not competing has been wonderful for you.” When Natalie opened her mouth to disagree, Mrs. Ryan held up her hand.  “I’m not trying to pick a fight Natalie.  I’m just trying to tell you what I’ve observed since you started coming around again.  When you’re here you talk about training with other riders and about how shows are going for other people.  You’ve been so incredibly excited about it all.  You’ve talked a little about Apollo’s progress, and at the beginning you were sad that it was Aidan getting to make all the breakthroughs with him.  I think that you love working with horses… you just hate the pressure it put on you when you had to compete.  I think you were mad at Aidan because he got to take this huge step with Apollo, and he didn’t even think to try to include you.  Whatever else you may’ve hated about competing, I know as well as you do that you love that horse.” Natalie nodded, looking out the window for another long minute.

          “I don’t know what to do to fix it,” she said softly.  Mrs. Ryan smiled, standing and going to stand behind the couch.  She carefully pulled Natalie’s thick hair into a ponytail, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead.

          “Talk to him about it.  He sounds like a reasonable guy, and he cares about you.  Maybe you won’t continue seeing one another romantically, but you might get your friendship back.”

          “I don’t know Mom,” she said, trailing off uncertainly.  Mrs. Ryan patted her shoulder.

          “What have you got to lose Natalie?”

          Greg Meade was leading a young horse from a paddock late that afternoon, but he paused when he saw a truck pulling up.  He didn’t recognize it, so he paused with the young gelding.  The horse had a badly pulled muscle in his right foreleg and they had been working to rehabilitate him.  He watched, staring in surprise as he recognized the driver.  Natalie got out of the truck, pausing for a moment when she saw Greg, and then drawing in a deep breath and walking toward him.

          “Hi,” she said.  Greg clucked his tongue and motioned for her to follow him.

          “This is a surprise,” he said as they walked into the barn.  Natalie nodded.

          “I figured it would be,” she replied.  She watched as Greg led the grey gelding in to a stall, unclipping the lead rope and coming out.  Greg walked up the aisle a little further, pausing to hang up the lead rope by the main door of the barn.  He looked at Natalie seriously.

          “What brings you here?” he inquired.  Natalie sighed softly.

          “A couple of things.  I was wondering if you’d seen Aidan recently, to start with.  I’d try calling him, but I think he would just ignore the call.  I also thought it would be nice to sort some things out between us, if you’re willing to anyway.”

          “Aidan is due here any time now… usually shows up to help me do evening feed and work with one or two of the horses.  You’ve turned him in to a right fine rider.” Natalie smiled.

          “Thank you.  It wasn’t as easy as you might think,” she kidded.  Greg nodded.

          “It hardly ever is.  I have to return some phone calls now, but you’re welcome to wait for Aidan.” He turned to leave and Natalie sighed.

          “Greg, I’d really like to apologize for my behavior the last year or so.  I was upset and I acted like a selfish brat.  I know that you were only doing what my parents told you to do.” He turned to look at her, and smiled slightly.

          “I shouldn’t have listened to them at the time.  I knew it then and I know it now.  Aidan told me he’s doing better though.” Natalie smiled too.

          “Yes, he’s doing a lot better.  I can even get near him now,” she kidded. 

          “I’m real glad to hear it Natalie.  If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call.  I’ve been very sorry my lack of backbone has kept us from talking all this time.”

          “I’m sorry too,” she said.  He nodded and turned to continue toward his office.  Natalie let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.  She turned, intending to go to the front of the barn to wait for Aidan.  He was standing near one of the first stalls in the aisle, watching her closely.

          “What are you doing here?” he demanded.  Natalie drew in a deep breath and moved toward him.

          “I wanted to talk to you,” she said.  He bent to pick up a bale of hay, shaking his head slowly.

          “You haven’t needed to talk to me in the last month.  What made today any different?” She followed him as he carried the hay to the middle of the barn aisle and dropped it down with a soft thud.  He turned to look at her with his arms folded over his chest.

          “I’ve needed to talk to you every day since we fought, I was just too stupid and scared to come find you and do it,” she replied.  He didn’t say anything, just leaned back against the barn wall.  “I shouldn’t have said what I did to you that day.  You didn’t just work for me, you were my boyfriend… but most of all you were my friend.  You didn’t deserve that from me.”
          “You’re right, I didn’t,” he agreed.

          “You shouldn’t have ridden him without talking to me about it though Aidan.  That’s why I was mad… because I wasn’t included at all.  He’s my horse, and was my only friend through all of the crap before my accident.  I should’ve been there when he took those first steps under saddle, even though I couldn’t be the one riding him.”

          “I wasn’t trying to exclude you.  I didn’t say anything about it because I thought you’d tell me no.  I didn’t think you would let me even try to ride him.” She nodded, glancing down at her feet.  She had begun to make little shapes in the dust with her boots without even realizing it.  She drew in a deep breath and looked back up at him.

          “I would’ve said no at first, and I would’ve been wrong… and we would’ve figured that out.  From the very beginning of our friendship, the fact that I could trust you was very important to me.  Seeing you riding Apollo just made me feel like you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it, and it made me wonder if trusting you had been such a brilliant idea.”

          “I wasn’t trying to lie to you about anything… I was just going to get him going really well and then surprise you.” He sighed and glanced up the aisle for a moment.  He was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of jeans.  “I didn’t mean to make you doubt me at all,” he added. 

          “I can appreciate what you were trying to do, but I really need you to be up front with me about things.  That goes double with Apollo.  I’ve already had enough lies told to me about him… and I don’t like being lied to anyway.” They fell in to a long silence.  Aidan looked at her seriously for a moment, watching as she opened her mouth to speak and then closed it several times.  Finally she said, “I am really sorry if I hurt you by what I said that day.  If I made you feel like I just thought of you as some employee or something… I didn’t mean that.” She looked up at him and he was surprised to see tears pooling in her eyes.

          “It’s ok,” he said, reaching out and giving her hand a squeeze.  Natalie shook her head.

          “No it’s not.  You were a really wonderful friend, and a great boyfriend, and I acted like a jerk.”

          “Yes, but so did I.  It’s OK Nat,” he repeated, pulling her toward his chest as he stepped forward.  He wrapped his arms around her, letting out a big breath.  “I missed you,” he said. 

          “I missed you too.”

          Natalie finished her last lap on the stationary bike at the physical therapist’s office, sitting for a moment longer to catch her breath. 

          “That was good Natalie,” Jackie said, giving her a firm pat on the shoulder. 

          “Thanks.  I hope all this hard work is doing some good,” she said, swinging her leg over the bike seat and following Jackie into her office.

          “Let’s have a look at the most recent x-rays that your doctor sent over.  He called me and said that he was very impressed with the progress we’ve made over the last few months.” She took out a large manila envelope and slid out the black x-rays inside.  Natalie watched as Jackie slipped them on to the light board and flicked on the light.  Her bones came in to view.  “Well it looks good.  All of the pins and screws are holding up nicely, it’s straight.  It seems as if your knee has held up very well after the reconstruction.  There’s a note attached about the MRI you had done… your doctor says that the muscle is quite good and toned, and he thinks he’s seen some drastic improvement in the ligaments and tendons.”

          “That’s all good news isn’t it?” Natalie asked.  Jackie glanced at her and smiled broadly.

          “That’s very good news Natalie.  You’ve put in some wonderful work over the last few months and it has really paid off.  I think that you can start cutting back on your therapy sessions… maybe once a week in the middle of the week.  The rest you can do at home.”

          “That sounds great.  When do you think I’ll be able to stop coming completely?” Jackie thought for a minute.

          “We’d have to consult with your doctor, but I think another month and you could be in a good position to handle the rest on your own.  You should have an appointment coming with him soon.”

          “Yup, next week.  Thanks Jackie… I’ll set up an appointment for next week out front.”

          “Great, I’ll see you then.” Natalie stood and walked to the receptionist’s desk, making an appointment for the following Wednesday morning. 

          “Thank you,” she said before walking out, still smiling broadly.

          Aidan had begun coming back around the farm the day after they’d talked at Greg’s.  He didn’t come every day, but he usually stopped by at least two or three times a week.  They’d gone out a couple of times too in the weeks that followed their talk, and it seemed like they were moving back towards a relationship.  He had also started riding for her again, and she was surprised at how much he’d improved in the time they hadn’t been working together.  She watched him canter around her on Poe one evening at the beginning of June, nodding as he kept the big horse in hand between two fences. 

          “Good Aidan!” she called.  Poe propelled them over the large oxer and the duo snaked back around to a solid plank jump.  Poe hesitated on approach, clearly not liking the look of the obstacle.  “Push him here!” They went over the fence, but Poe’s front hooves clipped the top plank and sent it clattering to the ground.  Natalie walked quickly to it, picking it up and putting it back into its place. 

          “Want me to come back and get that?” he asked, cantering a circle.

          “Do that whole line again… the oxer to the plank,” she instructed.  He gave a curt nod and did as she said, moving back to the oxer and then toward the plank.  This time Poe approached it confidently, his ears pricked forward.  They soared over it and she nodded as they moved on to the last two jumps in the course. 

          “Not bad,” she said with a smile when he rode over.  He shook his head.

          “You’re a perfectionist,” he said with a wink.

          “I’ve had years of practice,” she shot back. 

          “Miss Ryan?” a voice from behind them said.  Both Natalie and Aidan turned, and she frowned.  An older man was standing at the fence, watching them closely.  He was wearing a baseball cap, jeans, and a polo shirt.

          “Can I help you?” she asked. 

          “My name is Alex Brooks.  I represent John Madden.” Natalie felt her breath catch, and she could hear Aidan’s gasp. 

          “What on earth could John Madden want with me?” she asked.  Alex smiled, motioning to Aidan.

          “Your riders are pretty good Miss Ryan.  Mr. Madden and his wife are interested in bringing you on board to help train some of their horses and riders.”

          “Beezie and John Madden want me to train for them?” she asked incredulously.  The man nodded slowly.

          “You’ve had three riders in top standings recently, and the rest of the people you’ve worked with have shown very well… big improvements from other competitions they’ve taken part in.  Mr. and Mrs. Madden think that speaks highly of your training methods, and they’d like to see how you would work with some of their younger riders.” Natalie was still staring at the man with her mouth hanging open.

          “They don’t even have a home stable for training, do they?” Aidan asked.

          “They’re trying to open a facility in upstate New York… they of course have private stables, but usually Mrs. Madden rides horses from other prominent stables.  You’ve seen her on Judgment most recently, the warmblood out of Iron Spring Farm in Pennsylvania.”

          “Yes, of course.  I know that both Beezie and John are very active on the professional Grand Prix circuit… how do they plan to run a training stable when they will very rarely be home to train?”

          “That’s why they need you Miss Ryan.  They would like you to be the head trainer.  They will run a breeding program, they will both do clinics and camps for riders, and there will be other trainers.  You would be running the show so to speak.” Natalie had put her hand on a jump, and was leaning against it.  Her fingers were wrapped around the curve of one of the poles, her knuckles white. 

          “When would they like to discuss this with me in person?” she asked.  Alex let himself into the ring, extracting something from his pocket and holding it out to her.  Natalie took it and saw that it was a plane ticket.

          “You would fly to Syracuse at the end of the month and spend a week at the new facilities.  Mr. and Mrs. Madden would spend time with you discussing their plans, and then you would come home to think things over.” Natalie shook her head slowly.

          “This is unbelievable,” she murmured.

          “You can reach the Maddens at this phone number.  I’m sure you’re aware of the summer show schedule, so just use your judgment in when you call.  If Mrs. Madden is training, Mr. Madden will usually answer.  Leave a message if you don’t get either of them, they’re very good about returning phone calls.  They would like to know if you’re coming by the end of the week.”

          “OK.” The man started to leave and Natalie called, “Thank you Mr. Brooks.” He smiled at her for a moment.

          “You’re welcome Miss Ryan.” When he had gone, Natalie turned and looked at Aidan. 

          “Holy crap,” she murmured.  He nodded.

          “You can say that again.”

          Aidan finished at the barn at around seven that night, and then walked toward the house.  The light was on in the living room, but when he let himself in the house was silent.  After a quick look through all the rooms, he stopped at the back door and smiled when he saw Natalie sitting in one of the deck chairs.  He walked out and plopped down next to her.

          “Hey,” he greeted.  She glanced at him and smiled.  Her hair was flowing over her shoulders, blowing in the light evening breeze.  She was wearing a purple tank top and a pair of jeans, and he noticed her feet were bare. 

          “You’re running late tonight,” she observed, turning back to look out at the fields.  He nodded, reaching across the space between the chairs to take her hand.

          “Yeah.  I wanted to longe Calypso before the week was over… figured she needed it.”      

          “We should get you up on her someday soon.  She’s ready for riding,” she mused.  Aidan looked at her with a raised eyebrow, but she seemed not to notice.   

          “If you say so.” They lapsed into silence.  Aidan gave her hand a gentle squeeze after the silence had gone on for awhile and she glanced at him.

          “What?” she asked.  He smiled at her.

          “What are you thinking about?” She gave a shrug, tossing her hair over her shoulder and sighing.

          “Can you believe that guy today… here for Beezie and John Madden?” she said.  Her blue eyes were troubled.  Aidan looked at her and smiled reassuringly.

          “You’re a good trainer Natalie… look what you did with me,” he said with a wink.  She smiled and gave a little laugh.

          “You weren’t that hard to work with.  I just can’t imagine what they’d see me able to do that they couldn’t do themselves.  I mean, honestly, she is Beezie Madden,” she said. 

          “Natalie, believe it or not there are some people out there that look at you and say ‘That’s Natalie Ryan‘ with the same sense of awe and appreciation.  You were an amazing rider and competitor no matter how much you hated doing it.  It stands to reason that you would be sought out to train at some point.  I’m sure that Beezie and John Madden are pretty busy with their careers, and are looking for someone to help bolster their name working with young riders.” She nodded, taking her hand from his and wrapping her arms around her knees. 

          “I guess I just have a hard time seeing how on Earth they could need me.”

          “You should go to New York and talk with them.  Maybe it’s something you’d enjoy doing.  You’ve seemed to have fun working with the small group here.” She let out a sigh.

          “Yes, I have.  I just don’t know if moving to New York is going to be a good decision in the long run, especially not to train young riders in the competitive show circuit.  I’m not sure that I want to get wrapped up in that kind of nonsense again.  What I’ve been doing here is pretty low-scale for the most part, aside from a few adult riders that have come to me.  I don’t think I can get psyched about helping teenagers do something I hated doing so much.” 

          “It’s up to you in the end Natalie.  I’ll support whatever you want to do.  I think it’d be a good idea to at least go up there and see what they have to say.” She turned to look at him and a smile spread across her face.

          “You’re probably right.”

          Natalie flew to Syracuse on June twenty-fifth.  She was met at the airport by Alex Brooks.

          “Nice to see you again Miss Ryan,” he said, extending his hand.  She shook it and then adjusted her duffle bag on her shoulder. 

          “Likewise.” They made their way through the crowds at baggage claim, and after some shoving and confusion moved out into the parking garage.

          “Mr. and Mrs. Madden plan to have lunch ready when we get back to the farm.  They’re quite excited you decided to make the trip.” He led her to a red pick up truck that looked almost brand new.  There was an emblem on the door in black of a horse going over a large jump.  Underneath the picture it said Madden Stables in large black letters.  Natalie tossed her duffle bag in the bed of the truck and got in.  They drove in silence, first on the highway, and then on curving back roads.  Natalie watched the scenery as it went by, smiling a little when she saw a sign that said ‘Cazenovia, 10 miles’.  “This isn’t very different from New Hampshire is it?” Alex asked.  Natalie shook her head.

          “No.  There are plenty of mountains and trees it seems,” she said with a smile.  He nodded and focused on the road.  It took about twenty five minutes, but they soon reached their final destination.  A large driveway sat between two long rows of white fences.  Horses were turned out, and galloped alongside the truck as they made their way toward the barn.  Natalie’s eyes widened when she saw it.  It was white and extended across the land impressively.  She was sure they could probably hold fifty horses easily, and she guessed more.  The grounds were impeccably maintained, which came as no surprise.  The Maddens had a wonderful reputation in the equestrian business. 

          “We have worked hard to get this place up to snuff,” Alex said as they pulled to a stop in front of the barn.  Natalie opened her door and smiled at him as she got out.

          “I can see that.  It’s beautiful.”

          “I think Mr. and Mrs. Madden are waiting up in the observation room.  Follow me and I’ll introduce you.” Natalie followed him up the steps and through the main doors.  Inside was a large room with hard wood floors.  Natalie could tell that it was being prepared as a display room.  Several photos already lined the walls.  Natalie went to one and smiled, running her fingers over it.  The image was Beezie Madden on her mount Judgment, and Natalie could recognize that it came from the recent CN Precision Grand Prix.  “They want riders to feel inspired when they step in the door,” Alex said.  She nodded.

          “There aren’t too many things more inspiring than Mrs. Madden on Judgment,” Natalie agreed.  Alex laughed and they made their way up another flight of stairs.  There was a set of doors that led to a long hallway, lined with more photos.  Some were of Beezie, but there were many others of different riders.  Natalie stopped short when she recognized one of herself.  “That’s me,” she murmured.  In the photo Apollo was soaring over a solid plank fence.  She was stretched up over his neck, her face looking forward and to the left toward the next jump in the course.  It had been taken three shows before her accident. 

          “You were very good,” a new voice said.  Natalie turned and swallowed hard when she found Beezie Madden smiling at her. 

          “Thank you,” she said, extending her hand.  Beezie shook it firmly and motioned for her to follow.

          “We have some sandwich meats, cheese, and bread.  We like to keep things pretty simple around here when at all possible,” she explained.  John Madden stood up and shook her hand.

          “Thanks for coming up Natalie,” he greeted.  Natalie smiled and they each took a moment to prepare their sandwiches.  After eating in silence for a few moments, Natalie looked at them.

          “It’s strange for me, to be sitting here,” she told them.  They smiled at her.

          “Why?  We’ve ridden against each other plenty of times,” Beezie said, taking another bite of her turkey sandwich.  Natalie nodded slowly, chewing what was left in her mouth before continuing.

          “I know that.  I guess I just never expected to be in a position where you would be interested in me, beyond how easily you would beat me,” she said with a grin.  Both Beezie and John laughed.

          “I’ve heard that you’ve had some success with young riders, or novice riders.  I know that your training methods are sound, and you were a brilliant rider.  We want to start a place for riders in this area who have aspirations of achieving what you did, or what I have,” Beezie explained. 

          “It seems like you would have a good market for that up here,” Natalie said.  She brushed some crumbs off the leg of her jeans.

          “It certainly is.  We have Cazenovia College just up the road, and they have so many promising athletes there.  Their equestrian program is top notch.  This is a very horsey area in general.  There are a lot of people competing and looking for ways to improve.  We have already received phone calls from interested parents who want their children to train here,” John said.  They had finished their sandwiches, and Natalie watched as they stood up. 

          “Ready for a tour?” Beezie asked.  Natalie smiled and stood up.

          “Absolutely,” she said.

          Natalie had been in Syracuse for three days, and was enjoying herself a great deal.  She had been allowed to work with several young horses, longing them in preparation for a rider.  She had been able to watch Beezie ride, which was a new experience for her.  Even in all the shows they had ridden in together, she had never made it a priority to watch her competitor ride. 

          “Natalie, come here for a second!” Beezie called one afternoon.  Natalie walked up the aisle, stopping at the stall Beezie was in.  She smiled as Judgment’s dark brown head swung in her direction. 

          “Hey there big guy,” she said, giving him a pat.  The stallion was nearly completely tacked up, with only his bridle left to go.  Beezie had wrapped his legs in protective cotton wraps. 

          “I was about to take him for a spin.  Would you like to come along and see how he goes?” Natalie smiled broadly, shaking her head slowly.

          “You’d think the star shock would have worn off by now,” she said with a laugh.  Beezie laughed too, slipping the reins over Judgment’s head and sliding the bit into his mouth to finish his tacking. 

          “You’ll get used to it.  He can be as big of an idiot as the next horse… he just tends to make me look good when I take him out.” They walked down the aisle together, and Natalie took the reins so Beezie could finish putting her helmet on and adjusting her chaps.  When they got to the arena Natalie held the seventeen hand tall stallion while Beezie mounted, moving out of the way as they began to move around the ring.  “He tends to be a little stiff when we start out, like most warmbloods.  I just warm up at a very extended trot to move him past it,” she explained.  Natalie nodded and watched closely as Beezie and Judgment moved around the ring.  Several jump standards were around the ring, but no fences were set up.  After fifteen minutes of steady trotting, Natalie could see a distinct difference in the way the horse was moving. 

          “He looks better!” she called.  Beezie eased him to a walk and nodded, smiling at her as she went by.

          “Doesn’t usually take long.  Set me up a grid?  Make them about three feet tall or so.  I just want a light work with him today.” Natalie let herself into the ring and did as Beezie had requested, setting up a series of three jumps all in a line.  She counted out the strides carefully, setting up the fences and then moving out of the way to watch as Beezie and Judgment went to work.  The duo was in synch, moving beautifully over the fences.  They worked for about twenty minutes over the grid, and then moved on to flat work. 

          “He doesn’t like the lateral work does he?” Natalie called, watching as they came across the ring.  Beezie was asking him to yield left, but he was fighting her every step of the way.

          “Not too much.  He’ll settle into it after a fashion,” she said.  Natalie watched as they repeated the exercise, and soon were moving across the ring with ease.  “This is why old Judgment here is not a dressage horse,” she said, moving up into a canter.  They stayed on the rail, moving around at a comfortable collected canter.  When Beezie pulled up she smiled, dismounting carefully.  She led Judgment to Natalie’s side and regarded her carefully.

          “What?” Natalie asked.  Beezie shook her head, taking her helmet off and glancing at Judgment. 

          “Hop on,” she said.  Natalie stared at the older woman, her eyes big blue saucers. 

          “Ummm… I can’t,” she said.  Beezie frowned slightly, putting her hand on her hip and looking at Natalie seriously.

          “I know that you can’t go over the jumps or anything, but I’ve seen the way you move on your feet.  Your knee is in pretty good shape, isn’t it?” Natalie shrugged, glancing away.  “I’ll understand if you have no interest in riding him… although I can’t imagine that.  Not too many people would pass up the chance to take him around once or twice, especially not someone who understands what this horse means to the equestrian world.” When she didn’t reply Beezie added, “Riding him right here doesn’t mean you’re going to be thrown back into competition Natalie.” 

          “Will you keep it to yourself… that I rode him?” Natalie asked.  Beezie smiled, holding out her helmet. 

          “I’ll take it to my grave,” she promised.  Natalie smiled too, taking the helmet and clipping it into place.  Beezie led Judgment to the mounting block, waiting as Natalie adjusted the stirrups.  After another moment’s hesitation she climbed the mounting block, slipping her left foot into the stirrup and swinging her right leg over Judgment’s back.  She gathered her reins and glanced at Beezie.

          “I am totally out of practice,” she said.  Beezie shrugged, sitting down on the mounting block and looking up at her with a smile.

          “Like I said, I won’t tell if you won’t.” Natalie smiled and squeezed gently with her legs, and Judgment moved forward.  She kept him at a walk several times around, keeping to the top half of the arena.  She clucked her tongue, squeezing with her legs and giving slightly with her hands as she asked him to trot.  He moved into the gait and she smiled slightly, holding him in an easy sitting trot.  After several times around the circle they were working on, Natalie took him through the center to change directions.  “He’s moving nicely.  Do you think you can post?  When he’s extending he’s a whole different horse,” Beezie said.  Natalie waited several strides, giving a tiny glance down at Judgment’s dark shoulder to be sure she would rise on the appropriate diagonal.  She began to post, at the same time urging more strongly with her legs and giving the stallion more rein.  He extended his stride instantly, and Natalie’s smile grew.  Judgment soon broke into a canter, and Beezie nodded as they moved around her.  After they had gone around several times, Natalie eased the stallion to a walk.  The duo came into the center of the ring and Beezie took his reins so Natalie could dismount. 

          “He’s just as I would have imagined he’d be,” she said, taking off Beezie’s helmet and handing it to her. 

          “He was in the mood to behave today.  Strangers aren’t usually so impressed with him their first time up on him.  He tends to test people.” Natalie placed a sturdy pat on his muscular shoulder.

          “He was probably just taking pity on the cripple,” she kidded.  Beezie shook her head and laughed as they walked from the arena. 

          “Natalie, Judgment doesn’t know what pity means.  He’s always been able to sense when someone in his saddle is capable, someone he should be paying attention to.  You’re obviously one of those people.” Natalie was silent for a moment, considering what the older woman had said.

          “Thanks Beezie,” Natalie murmured.

          Aidan was waiting for her when she made her way through the final security checkpoints at the airport.  When she reached him she smiled as he pulled her into his arms.

          “I missed you,” he said softly. 

          “I missed you too,” she replied, sliding her arms around his waist and holding him tightly.  He pulled away just far enough to place a kiss on her lips, and then stepped away completely.  He took her bag from her, slinging it over his shoulder and reaching out to hold her hand in his.  They walked outside and to his truck.  Natalie watched as he tossed her bag into the bed of the truck and then waited as he opened her door for her.  “Thank you.” She busied herself buckling her seatbelt as Aidan closed her door and came around to get in the driver’s seat.  As they drove out of the parking garage, Natalie leaned back against her seat and yawned.

          “You sound tired,” he said.  Natalie nodded, closing her eyes for a moment as the motion of the truck lulled her into relaxation.

          “I am.  It was a busy week,” she replied.  She felt him take her hand and couldn’t stop the smile that spread on her face. 

          “We’ll be home soon.  You can take a long nap,” he said.  She nodded.

          “I want to go down and see the horses first,” she murmured.  He gave her hand a squeeze, coming to a stop at a light and putting on his right turn signal. 

          “They missed you too,” he said.  Natalie laced her fingers through his, but said nothing as he continued to drive home.

          Natalie woke up late in the evening, rolling on to her back and giving a long stretch before sitting up and looking around.  It was still light outside, but she could tell that she’d slept the day away.  She could hear Aidan moving around in the kitchen, and scrumptious smells were drifting down the hallway.  She smiled and got out of bed, walking down the hall and into the kitchen.

          “Hey there sleeping beauty,” he greeted her, leaning down and kissing her quickly before turning back to the hamburger he was frying on the stove. 

          “What’s for dinner?” she asked, pushing herself up on to the kitchen counter and watching him cook.  He’d changed into a pair of green mesh shorts and a white T-shirt since she’d gone to bed, and his hair was rumpled as if he too had fallen asleep for a little while.

          “I thought I’d just whip up some cheeseburgers and fries.  I was going to do them on the grill, but you didn’t have any charcoal.”

          “Yeah, I don’t know how to use the grill.  It’s really out there as more of a show piece,” she admitted with a smile.  Aidan laughed, glancing at her as she pulled her hair back in a ponytail. 

          “That’s good to know.  I’ll have to grab some the next time I want to grill,” he said.  She nodded, glancing up at the clock and grimacing.

          “I can’t believe it’s already six o’clock.  I really let the day get away from me,” she murmured.  Aidan shrugged, flipping the burgers in the frying pan and adding cheese to the top. 

          “You had a pretty busy day… and a busy week before that.  I think you’re entitled to a lazy day.  It’s back to the grind tomorrow.” She slid down from the counter and went to the cupboard, taking down paper plates and putting them on the kitchen table. 

          “You’re probably right.” Aidan brought the food to the table and they each sat down, preparing their burgers and eating in silence for several minutes.

          “So how was the trip?” he asked suddenly.  Natalie looked up and smiled at him.

          “It was pretty great.  I had a really good time working with Beezie and John; they’re very down to earth.  I got to meet Judgment in person too,” she said.  Aidan smiled broadly.

          “That must have been amazing.  He’s such a great horse, especially with Beezie in his saddle.”

          “They’re the stuff of legends, that’s for sure.  The farm is beautiful, just like you’d imagine it to be.  They have some killer horses already there in case a rider doesn’t have a suitable horse.  It’s going to be a pretty big deal when it’s up and running.”

          “Sounds great Nat.  Did you decide if you’re going to take the job or not?” She put down her burger and leaned back in the chair, letting out a sigh.

          “I’m not really sure.  There are a lot of positives in taking it… but there are also some negatives that I’m not really comfortable with.  Most of all, it goes back to the competition and I’m not sure I want to get back into that aspect of the horse world.  No matter how positive Beezie and John are, the ultimate goal is to groom young riders to be world class competitors.  It’s not a life I ever wanted and I don’t think that I’ll be able to get excited about helping someone get there.”

          “Even if it’s what they want?” he asked.  She rested her cheek in her palm, thinking for a long moment. 

          “I’m not sure.  I have a lot of thinking to do about it… and that’s not my only reason for hesitating to take the job.”

          “What else are you considering?”

          “My Mom, for one thing.  Her health isn’t really the best, and I don’t want to go so far away.  If she gets sick again, I’d be too far away to visit.  I know that helped a lot the last time she was in the hospital.”

          “You should talk to her about it and see what she says,” he suggested.  He took another bite of his burger, followed by several French fries.

          “I will.  There’s also the matter of my horses, especially Apollo.  He’s just now getting back to a stable frame of reference.  Uprooting him now might undo all the good work that’s been done.  Moving all of them is a big hassle, and I’m not entirely sure Beezie was too keen on having the horses there if I wouldn’t let anyone ride them.” He nodded slowly, considering what she’d said.  Before he could add his thoughts though, Natalie said, “And there’s you.”

          “Me?” She nodded.

          “Yes.  I’ve grown kind of attached to you, and I want to see where this relationship could go.  I think if I moved so far away, that might do some significant damage.  I don’t want to risk that.”

          “Don’t let that be the deciding factor Natalie.” She frowned, so he reached across the table and took her hand.  “I didn’t mean for that to sound like we weren’t going anywhere in this relationship.  I just mean that there are many good veterinary schools in central New York, and I could probably transfer if it came down to that.”

          “Oh.” He grinned and gave her hand a quick squeeze.

          “Whatever you want to do in this, you have support from me.  We’ll make it work out if we need to.” Natalie smiled.

          “Thank you.  That helps a lot,” she said.  She finished the last of her French fries and carried her plate to the garbage.  “Do you want to go down and ride for awhile?” He nodded, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her.

          “Yup.  I’m going to go change and I’ll meet you there.” She smiled, tilting her head back to kiss him before pulling away.

          “I’ll tack up Poe for you.  Meet you in the arena.” He nodded, going down the hall to her bedroom as she went out the front door.

          Natalie and her mother went out to lunch that Friday at a local restaurant that they’d been going to since Natalie was a child. 

          “So how was your trip?” Mrs. Ryan asked after the waiter had taken their order.  Natalie shrugged, glancing around them.  The dining area was crowded with people escaping the summer heat.

          “It was OK I guess.  Beezie and John were really nice, and their farm is just beautiful,” she replied. 

          “You don’t sound incredibly excited about it.”

          “I don’t think I am,” Natalie agreed. 

          “Why not?  You were excited before you left,” her mother said.  They paused as their salads were put in front of them, each smiling up at the waiter. 

          “I just don’t think it’s the right place for me professionally.  There are also a lot of personal reasons that I don’t really want to move to New York.” Mrs. Ryan looked at her seriously.  She was wearing a bright red scarf on her head that day, and it matched the pattern in her shirt. 

          “What sort of personal reasons?” 

          “Well, there’s Aidan… although he said he could probably transfer to a school in New York to finish up his DVM.”

          “That’s lovely, that he would consider moving for you,” Mrs. Ryan said with a bright smile.  Natalie nodded, smiling too.

          “Yes, it’s very nice to know that.  It takes a lot of the pressure off of the decision.  But there’s more than that weighing on the decision.” She paused before saying, “I don’t know if I want to leave when you might get sick again.”

          “Natalie, I don’t want that to be a factor in things,” Mrs. Ryan said, putting down her fork and looking at her.

          “Well it is a factor in things Mom.  I don’t want to be so far away if you need me.  I know that us getting along is a new thing, but it’s something I like… and I want to be there if anything happens to you.” Mrs. Ryan smiled, and Natalie could see unshed tears shining in her eyes.

          “I appreciate that dear.  Honestly though, I don’t want my health situation deciding your life choices.  If working for the Maddens is something that you want to do, that will make you happy, I want you to do it.  You have to make a decision based on your heart and your mind, not on what anyone else in your life is doing.  I want you to be happy honey.  If working for them would make you happy, you should do it.” Natalie sighed, but forced a smile.  She knew in her heart that no matter what her mother said, this would be a big factor in her decision. 

          “Thank you Mom, that helps a lot,” she said.  Mrs. Ryan smiled too, and they fell in to silence as the waiter brought their lunch. 

          Natalie almost missed her three thirty lesson entirely.  She hurried into the barn and smiled when she saw that Chris was talking to a woman in the aisle.

          “Sorry I’m late!” she exclaimed, going toward them.  Both Chris and the woman turned, and when they did Natalie saw the young girl that had been standing in front of them.  She looked to be about ten, and was smiling broadly.

          “That’s alright Miss Ryan, we were just getting introduced to some of your horses,” the woman said.  She extended her hand and said, “I’m Amy Harper.  This is my daughter Sarah.”

          “It’s nice to meet you both,” Natalie said, shaking both of their hands.  “So Sarah, your Mom says that you would like to give horseback riding a try.”

          “Yes, I love horses,” the little girl replied.  She had her brown hair cut in a short bob, and her eyes were a deep shade of green. 

          “Me too!  Let’s saddle up one of my best horses for new riders.  His name is Piper,” she said, leading them down the aisle.  She could see that Chris already had the tack and grooming equipment outside of the stall, and she smiled at him gratefully as she let herself into the stall.  She quickly slipped a halter over Piper’s head and secured him in cross ties.  “Come on in Sarah,” she said, picking up a brush and handing it to her.  “This is called a hard brush, and we use it all over Piper’s body.  Just don’t brush his legs or face with it.  Do you think you can do that?” Sarah nodded and began to groom the big horse.  Natalie smiled, turning as she felt a hand on her shoulder.  It was Sarah’s mother, and she motioned for her to come out into the aisle.  Natalie motioned for Chris to take over with Sarah, and she walked with Mrs. Harper a small distance away from the stall.

          “I just wanted you to know… Sarah has a prosthetic leg.  She’s wanted to ride a horse for so long, but it’s something that will be very challenging for her.  There are many things she won’t be able to do up there.” Natalie smiled.

          “Thanks for letting me know.  I’ll make sure we take real good care of her.  I think she’ll have a lot of fun.”

          “Thank you Miss Ryan.” They started back toward the stall.

          “Call me Natalie,” she said, going back in to finish helping Sarah saddle Piper.

          Aidan went to the house first, since it was so late.  His internship with Greg had been awful that day.  They’d had to put a horse down after a rough birth that had lasted hours.  The light in the living room was on, but Natalie was nowhere to be found.  With a sigh he walked back outside into the darkness and to the barn.  He could see that the light in the office was on, so he went up the aisle and poked his head in.  Natalie was sitting at the desk, her feet propped up on a drawer she’d pulled out.  Her blonde hair was cascading over her shoulders, and she was wearing a pair of blue shorts and a T-shirt. 

          “There you are,” he said.  She turned and smiled when she saw him.

          “It’s late.  I didn’t think you were coming over tonight,” she said.  He leaned down and kissed her before sitting down on the edge of the desk. 

          “Rough day at Greg’s,” he said in explanation.  She nodded slowly, taking his hand in hers.

          “Sorry to hear it.”

          “What are you doing down here so late?” he asked.  She let out a sigh, looking out the window for a moment before looking up at him.

          “I made a decision about the Maddens,” she said.

          “What did you decide?”

          “I’m not going to take the job.  I don’t think it’s a place I would be happy in the long run.”

          “Then it’s the right decision.  Have you told them yet?” Natalie nodded, motioning to the phone.

          “I called them earlier.  Beezie and John were disappointed but they said they understood.”

          “That’s good.  Are you happy with your choice?” She smiled.

          “Yes.  I made another decision too.  I want to start offering lessons to kids with disabilities eventually… like a therapeutic riding program.  I spent the afternoon researching colleges and what I’d need to do to get certified.  I’m applying to three or four colleges nearby, and I’m going to start volunteering at the hospital, working with kids who have injuries or handicaps.  I think I stand a good chance of getting in at the University of New Hampshire.  They have a fantastic program.”

          “That’s great Natalie.  What made you think of all this?”

          “That little girl Sarah, the new one I had start lessons?  She has a prosthetic leg, and today when she rode I could tell she felt overjoyed to be in the saddle.  I remember feeling that way when I first started… and on days that I could just ride and not worry about things.  I loved it.  Seeing her enjoying this so much… giving her control and empowering her like that made me feel good.  I thought it was about time I got out there and started doing something to make myself feel like that.” He leaned toward her and kissed her again, letting his forehead rest against hers for a moment.

          “I’m happy for you,” he said.  She smiled up at him.

          “Me too.”

          Natalie was accepted at the University of New Hampshire, her major Therapeutic Riding.  She finished the first semester, excelling at her class work.  It had been a long time since she’d sat in an actual classroom since the majority of her secondary education had been delivered through tutors, and she found she loved the structure of it.  Winter break began in the middle of December, and while she had enjoyed classes, Natalie was also looking forward to some time off.  It was almost her one year anniversary with Aidan, and she wanted to do something special to celebrate. 

“Hey Nat, do you know where Poe’s bell boots are?” Aidan asked one cold morning a week before Christmas.  He had a show the next day, and they would be leaving that afternoon to make the two hour drive and leave time for the horse to get settled in.

          “I’m pretty sure they were in the trunk with the rest of the stuff,” she replied, dumping grain into Apollo’s feed bucket.  The big horse tossed his head impatiently and stepped forward to eat.  Natalie watched him for a moment, smiling softly.  He had made great strides over the fall, although she hadn’t given anyone permission to ride him.  Aidan had asked her several times if he could start again, and she had told him no consistently.  She turned and watched as he rummaged through the tack trunk.

          “Oh, here they are,” he said, letting the trunk close with a bang as he walked into Poe’s stall.  Natalie followed him and stood at the stall door to watch as he finished wrapping the gelding’s front legs for shipping.

          “He looks just about set to go,” she observed.  He glanced at her over his shoulder and smiled, adjusting the plaid winter coat Poe was wearing.

          “Yeah, he’s set.  I’ll have to fix up his tail when we get there, but he’s looking pretty good right now.  What time did you want to head out?” Natalie shrugged, adjusting the fleece headband she was wearing to keep her ears warm. 

          “I thought we’d head out at about ten or so.  That’ll get us to the show grounds by noon, which will leave Poe plenty of time to settle in.  We’ll have time to relax before you start having to focus on warm up rides tonight and tomorrow morning too.” He nodded in agreement, coming out of the stall and closing the door behind himself.  Natalie took his hand as they made their way up the aisle and toward the office, each intent upon warming up before doing any more chores. 

          “Chris should be here soon shouldn’t he?” Aidan asked.  Natalie opened the office door and went in, plopping down in one of the chairs and taking off her headband.

          “Yeah, he said he’d get here before we left.  He’s going to stay at the house while we’re gone, just in case something happens.  He’s really good about being around for things like that.” She watched as Aidan unzipped his brown Carhart jacket and sat down in the chair nearest the desk.  “Are you OK?” she asked.  He gave a slight smile.

          “I guess so… I’m just feeling a little nervous about this show for some reason.  It’s one of the biggest I’ve done, and I don’t want to go in there and make a complete fool out of myself.”

          “You have nothing to worry about.  I wouldn’t have encouraged you to go if I thought you’d do poorly.  You’re a very good rider,” she assured him. 

          “Thanks Nat,” he said, his smile growing.  She stood up and stretched, looking out the window at the snowy fields.

          “I am so ready for winter to be over,” she murmured, smiling when she felt his arms slide around her waist.  She put her hands over his where they rested on her stomach. 

          “I like winter.  It gives me even more excuses to do this,” he said, nuzzling his face against her neck.  Natalie laughed. 

          “You don’t need an excuse… you can do this whenever you want.” He kissed her neck quickly and stepped away, reaching out for her hand.

          “Let’s go grab some breakfast before we have to start loading Poe up to go.” She smiled and took his hand.

          “Sounds good.”

          Natalie stood by the rail watching a rider navigate a complicated jump course, her eyes narrowed in concentration.  She’d been staked out in that spot all day, taking mental notes in order to help Aidan when he entered the ring.  She glanced down at the list in her hand that detailed when each rider would enter the ring and sighed; Aidan was up in three riders.  She stepped away from the fence and went to the warm-up ring, spotting him instantly among the crowd of people.  He had Poe moving at a collected canter and was popping over the jumps that were set up around the ring.  She walked to the center of the ring and stood by one of the more solid fences, watching as he approached and guided Poe over it confidently.  He circled around and came to a halt in front of her.

          “How is it looking out there?” he asked.  He bent down to adjust his stirrup and she smiled.

          “It’s a complicated course… but you know that from walking it this morning.  Number five is giving people a hard time today, and so is the line between the water jump and that straight plank.  The horses are having a hard time judging things I think.  You’ll need to ride with a strong driving leg, but keep him in hand at the same time on that line.” He nodded, and she could see in his eyes that he was imagining this line of fences in his head.

          “What about number five?” he inquired.

          “It’s just a weird fence… I know that doesn’t help much, but it’s the truth.  The top rail is very loose in the cups and it comes down in a stiff breeze.  You’re coming in on somewhat of a weird angle, so the horse is having to really work to get up and over.  If you come off of number four and take a slightly longer route, you might be better off.”

          “OK.  What is the top ride right now?” She grinned and shook her head slowly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. 

          “You know I don’t divulge that information before you ride.  It doesn’t matter what the top ride is right now… you’ll have it in about ten minutes.” Aidan laughed and rolled his eyes.

          “Whatever you say Nat.  You’re lucky I love you,” he said with a wink.  She gave his leg a playful nudge.

          “I’m pretty sure you’re the lucky one,” she said, taking hold of Poe’s reins and leading him from the ring.  They moved through the crowds and stopped at the waiting area for riders who were about to enter the ring.  They had made it in perfect time to see the competitor that was riding immediately before him.  They both lapsed into silence as they watched the rider, a young woman, move through the course.  As she approached the number five fence, Natalie touched his calf gently.  “See that?  She’ll have it down,” she murmured.  Aidan watched, unsurprised, as the top rail of the fence came down.  Natalie was rarely wrong about things like this, and he knew it came from years of experience riding and watching others ride. 

          “So should I come off of number four and take a straight line and come around on a softer curve?” he asked.  She nodded.

          “Yup.  You can get a little gallop up around that curve, just be ready to half halt as you come up the straight line to the fence.  He’ll come back in hand in time to collect over that fence.”

          “Alright.” The rider in the ring finished the course and Aidan smiled down at Natalie.  “Wish us luck,” he said, clucking his tongue.  Poe picked up a trot instantly, and Natalie watched as they went into the ring.  Aidan paused to salute the judges and then began.  She watched, the smile on her face growing with each fence.  They were in perfect harmony, moving around the ring flawlessly.  When they cleared the last fence, the audience erupted in applause.  He came out of the ring, looking up at the scoreboard as he moved through the crowd.  Natalie watched as a smile spread slowly across his handsome face.  He halted Poe in front of her and said, “I’m winning.” She laughed.

          “You sound surprised,” she said, putting her hand on his knee and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

          “I think I am a little,” he murmured.  She turned back to the ring to watch the rider that was navigating the course.

          “You shouldn’t be.  You’re good Aidan,” she said.

          “Learned from the best,” he said, winking at her when she looked up at him.  Natalie laughed before turning back to the ring. 

          Several nights later Natalie was unable to sleep.  She had long since gotten over the nightmares about the accident, but the dreams she’d been having that night were about Apollo.  In the dreams he was fine, as if the accident had never happened.  He was waiting for her at the gate to the field, and no matter how hard she walked or how far she ran, she never got any closer to him.  After lying in bed staring at the ceiling for close to an hour, she tossed back the covers and got out of bed.  Aidan wasn’t there that night; he had an exam in the morning and wanted to be sure to be well rested and prepared.  Natalie pulled on a pair of jeans over the long john pants she’d been sleeping in.  She went into her closet and grabbed a sweatshirt, tugging it over her head as she walked down the hall.  She paused at the front door to put on a pair of boots and a hat.  It was well below freezing outside, and had been threatening to snow for days.  The sky was clear that night though, the stars shining brightly in the dark night.  She walked down to the barn, flicking on one set of lights as she walked in.  Several of the horses made low nickering sounds, but most continued to doze.  Natalie went to Apollo’s stall and looked in, smiling as his head came up and he gave a low whinny. 

          “Hey Ap,” she greeted, opening the stall door and going inside.  Apollo came to stand in front of her, nuzzling her pockets in search of a treat.  He had grown accustom to apples or sugar cubes hiding in her pockets over the time since the accident, and tended to get quite disappointed when she forgot to bring him something.  “Sorry buddy, I wasn’t really thinking about it tonight.” The stallion let out a snort and tossed his head and she laughed softly. “I had a dream about you tonight.” She stood with him for another moment and then left the stall, closing it behind herself and going quickly to the tack room.  She took down a saddle and bridle before she had a chance to second guess what she was doing.  She went back to Apollo’s stall and quickly ran a brush over his coat and then hefted the saddle on to his back.  She put the bridle on and then led him from the arena.  She flicked two of the light switches, and several of the overhead lights came on.  Natalie led him to the mounting block, tossing the reins over his head and moving up the steps of the block.  She put her foot in the left stirrup and swung her right leg over Apollo’s back.  The horse stood calmly as she adjusted her stirrups and double checked her girth.  “Alright, let’s go,” she murmured.  She squeezed gently with her legs and they moved forward at an easy walk.      After several minutes Natalie urged him into a trot.  The big horse tossed his head in an attempt to get more rein, but Natalie held him in hand.  “Knock it off Ap,” she said.  She sat to the trot several times around before beginning to post.  They moved around the ring as one, taking several turns through the center to complete figure eights in the ring.  When they had done several, she moved back on to the large circle.  In the far corner she moved her right leg back behind the girth and tipped Apollo’s head in.  He broke into a canter, propelling them around the ring.  As his hooves landed in the tell-tale three beats, Natalie moved with him.  Tears came to her eyes, but she ignored them as they cantered on.

          Natalie awoke on Christmas morning rolling to her right side and frowning when she realized Aidan wasn’t asleep beside her.  They’d spent the previous evening celebrating the holiday at her parents’ house, and it had gone very well.  She got out of bed, pulling a long sleeved shirt on over her tank top and walking down the hall.  Aidan was in the kitchen whisking eggs in a large blue bowl 

          “Hey,” she greeted, wrapping her arms around his waist.  He smiled and kissed her.

          “Good morning beautiful.  Merry Christmas.”

          “Merry Christmas to you too.” She watched as he poured the eggs into a frying pan that was already warm on the stove.  “Scrambled eggs?” she asked hopefully.  He laughed and nodded, stirring the eggs as they cooked. 

          “Yeah.  They’re your favorite right?” Natalie nodded and sat down in one of the chairs at the table.

          “They sure are.  Do you need me to do anything?” He glanced around and then pointed to the loaf of bread that was sitting on the counter.

          “If you wanted you could make some toast to go with the eggs.  I already made bacon.” She went to the bread and put four slices in the toaster.  When it popped up she put butter on each slice and set them on a plate in the center of the table.  Aidan came with the eggs a moment later and they sat down to eat.  She took a bite and let out a content sigh. 

          “These are so good.  What did you put in them?” she asked as she took another bite.

          “Some shredded cheese and just a little pepper and salt.  I’m a simplest,” he said with a wink.  She laughed, taking a big gulp of orange juice before continuing to eat.  They ate in silence until their plates were empty, and then Natalie stood.  She took his plate from in front of him and carried it along with hers to the sink.  She ran water on them and then looked at him.

          “Time for presents?” she asked.  Aidan laughed and got to his feet, pausing to stretch.  Natalie stepped toward him, sliding her hand across his stomach.  His shirt had drifted up while he stretched, and her fingers trailed across bare skin.

          “If you want to open presents you better quit doing that.  I’ll get distracted,” he said.  She grinned as his arms came around her, and then closed her eyes when he leaned down to kiss her.  When he pulled away, she took his hand and started pulling him toward the living room.

          “Come on,” she said impatiently.  They both sat down in front of the tree and began handing each other gifts.  There were small things, like DVDs and books, and then they each had a larger present for each other.  Aidan opened his, smiling when he saw the white lab coat inside.  It said ‘Dr. Martin, DVM’ on the left breast in black letters. 

          “I haven’t graduated yet Nat,” he said.  She nodded, smiling at him broadly as she tossed her hair over her shoulder.

          “You only have one semester left.  I know you’re going to succeed… I figured you might need this sooner rather than later.  Do you like it?”

          “I love it.” She handed him another present and he frowned.  “I thought we had a deal.  Only four presents,” he said.  She let out a sigh.

          “This was a last minute gift.  You can go get me another one of you’re completely bent out of shape about it,” she assured him.  Aidan laughed and took the thin square gift form her.  He opened it and his smile grew when he saw the framed photo inside.  It was of him on Poe at his most recent show.  They were soaring over a large water jump.  Aidan’s face was to the left side of the horse’s neck, looking stern in his deep concentration.  He was looking toward the next jump in the line.  Poe’s ears were pricked forward, his legs tucked tightly underneath himself. 

          “This is beautiful.  Who took it?” he asked, leaning forward to give her a kiss.

          “I saw a photographer at the show snapping pictures and I asked if he could send me some proofs.  He sent me this and a couple others, but I liked this one the best.  I’m sorry I went over our agreement… I just really thought you’d like it.”

          “It’s alright beautiful.  I may have over done it a little too,” he said, reaching under the tree and grabbing a small box.  Natalie frowned, taking it from him.  “I saw it and thought you would like it,” he said.  She ripped open the paper, glancing up at him before she opened the green velvetine box inside.  There was a ring inside.  It was an amethyst, with two small diamonds on either side.  They were set into a white gold ring.  She took it out of the box, looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

          “You totally went over the budget,” she whispered, sliding the ring on to her right ring finger.  She held her hand out in front of herself, looking at the ring for a long moment before looking back at him.  She leaned toward him and kissed him deeply.  “Thank you.  I love it,” she said. 

          “Merry Christmas.  And happy anniversary,” he said.  She smiled. 

          “Back at ya’ mister,” she replied. 

          Natalie sat in class one Thursday evening in February, frowning as her cell phone began vibrating in her bag.  The professor didn’t notice the noise, so she bent down and took the phone out quietly.  She frowned more deeply when she saw her father’s cell number on the display.  She put it back in her bag, knowing there were only fifteen more minutes left in class.  The professor went on about the importance of empathy in any therapeutic relationship, and Natalie doodled in the margins of her notebook.  She smiled a little when she caught sight of the ring Aidan had given her for Christmas.  It sparkled even under the dim classroom lighting. 

          “You’ll turn in your five page paper next Tuesday.  Please don’t come in expecting an extension unless we have talked about it previously.  Have a good weekend,” her professor said.  Natalie let out a sigh of relief, sliding her notebook and pen into her small red knapsack.  She smiled at some of her classmates as she made her way down the hallway.  She jogged down the two flights of stairs, zipping up her coat and pulling a red knit hat on to her head as she walked out into the chilly night air.  She got to her car quickly and got inside, putting her key in the ignition and starting it up.  She turned the heat on and then reached into her bag to pull out her cell phone.  She called her voicemail and listened.

          “Natalie, it’s Dad.  I need you to call me as soon as you get this message.” She frowned and clicked the number seven to erase the message before pushing her Dad’s speed dial number. 

          “Hey Dad, it’s me,” she said, smiling.

          “Where are you Nat?” he asked.  Her frown deepened slightly at the strange response.

          “I’m in my car on campus getting ready to leave.  What’s up?” There was a long pause and she heard her father draw in a deep breath. 

          “I need you to come to the hospital honey,” he said finally.  She felt her heart speed up, and a lump formed in her throat.

          “What’s wrong?” she demanded.

          “Natalie, could you please wait to have this conversation until you get here?” he asked.  Natalie closed her hands into fists; they had begun to shake and it was the only way she could think of to get them to stop. 

          “Dad you’re scaring me,” she said.

          “I know that, and I’m sorry.  I need you to come to the hospital now and I will explain everything there,” he said. 

          “Which hospital?” she asked, putting her car in gear and backing out of her parking spot carefully.     

          “Mercy.  I’ll meet you at the main entrance.”

          “Alright.  I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she promised.  She hung up the phone, turning on to the road.  She opened the phone again and pushed Aidan’s speed dial number. 

          “Hey gorgeous,” he greeted her cheerfully.  “I’ve got dinner ready to go.  When will you be home?” he asked.

          “I need you to meet me at Mercy General Hospital,” she said, aware that her voice was shaking but having no idea how to stop it.

          “Are you ok?” he demanded. 

          “Yeah, I think so.  Dad called me… he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong but he told me to meet him at the hospital.  I think there’s something wrong with Mom,” she said, and at this a tear slipped down her cheek.  

          “I’ll meet you there.  Be careful driving, OK?”

          “I will,” she assured him, hanging up and trying to focus on the road instead of her growing worry.

          Mr. Ryan was waiting in the front lobby when Natalie rushed in.  She was surprised to see that Aidan was already there, sitting beside the older man.  He was still wearing his carhart jacket.

          “Hey,” she said, stopping in front of them.  They both looked up at her for a moment before Aidan stood and gave her a quick hug.  He took her hand and moved back to the chairs so they could sit down.  “What’s going on?” she demanded.

          “Your mother was admitted a little while ago.  She was having extreme shortness of breath and pain.  They’ve done some tests and they found two large tumors in her lungs… as well as more cancerous growth in both of her breasts.  They’re not sure if they will be able to treat it this time.  She’s very ill.” Natalie was shaking her head.

          “How on earth did it get so out of control?  She’s been fine since her last hospitalization.  How did the doctors miss this?” she asked, looking at her father with serious blue eyes.

          “We’re not sure Natalie.  Sometimes it just happens this way.  She wasn’t due for a check up for another few months… and apparently it came back in the time we haven’t had to go.”

          “Where is she now?”

          “She’s in surgery.  They’re trying to remove as much of the tumors on her lungs as they can.  They were causing the breathing problems, and removal is the best option.  This surgery will hopefully stabilize her, and then the will do a second surgery to deal with the growth in her breasts.” Natalie bowed her head for a moment, feeling Aidan’s hand slide over hers.  She turned her hand over and squeezed his before looking back up. 

          “She’ll be fine.  Mom won’t let this beat her,” she said.  Nobody said anything else though, as they got up and walked slowly to the waiting room to await news on Mrs. Ryan.

          Natalie was asleep with her head on Aidan’s shoulder when a doctor wearing green scrubs came in.  Mr. Ryan gently nudged his daughter and she stirred quickly, looking around and swallowing hard when she saw the surgeon.

          “How is my wife?” Mr. Ryan asked. The surgeon let out a sigh, shaking his head as he motioned for them to remain seated.

          “It was a long and complicated surgery.  We removed both tumors on her lungs, and also biopsied the tissue in both.  We’ll have results on that within the next day or so.  She struggled through surgery, and we’ve only just gotten her stable again.  It will be a long night for her I’m afraid.”

          “When can we see her?” Natalie asked. 

          “You can go in for a few minutes now, but it will have to be brief.  She needs all the rest she can get.” They followed him out of the waiting room and down the hall.  He paused outside a room and looked at them seriously.  “I need to stress that this must be kept brief.  She’s very sick.” They nodded their understanding and went into the room.  Mrs. Ryan was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to several machines.  An IV bag hung from a pole, dripping steadily into a tube leading to her arm.  She was asleep.  Natalie went to her side and took her hand, letting out a sigh. 

          “We’re here Mom,” she murmured, rubbing her thumb gently back and forth over the back of her mother’s hand.  She glanced across the bed at her father.  “She’ll be OK right Dad?” she asked.  Mr. Ryan looked up at her for a brief moment before looking back down at his wife.

          “I don’t know Natalie,” he said honestly.

          Aidan woke up early the next morning, glancing at his watch.  It was only five a.m.  Natalie wasn’t in bed beside him, so he got up quickly and walked down the hall.  She wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen either, and he could see that her coat and boots were gone.  He wondered to himself if she had decided to feed early because she couldn’t sleep.  They had gotten home from the hospital at about one in the morning, and he remembered her tossing and turning for at least an hour before she drifted off to sleep.  Aidan pulled on his clothes and then his boots, grabbing his jacket and stepping out into the early morning darkness.  It was cold that morning, and his breath came out in little puffs of mist.  Aidan walked into the barn, frowning when he didn’t hear the horses munching their hay.  Most of the lights were still off, and he didn’t see Natalie anywhere.  He walked to the office, looking inside.  He expected to see her sitting there in the dark, but she wasn’t there.  He sighed to himself and walked back up the aisle, hesitating before he turned up the aisle that led to the arena.  He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Apollo moving around the ring at a canter.  Natalie was in the saddle, looking calm and focused.  Aidan moved back into the darkness of the aisle, watching as the duo moved around the ring in perfect harmony.  He turned and walked slowly back up the aisle before she saw him, wondering how long she had been riding and keeping it to herself.  It was clear it had been quite some time given her position in the saddle.  He wondered how long she would continue to keep it a secret between her and her horse.

          Natalie got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself and then another around her head as she walked back into her bedroom.  Aidan was just rolling over.

          “Morning sleepyhead,” she greeted.  He smiled, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard.

          “Hey.  Did you already go to the barn?” he asked.  She nodded, plopping down on the end of the bed.

          “Yes.  I thought it would be good to get an early start today.  I want to get to the hospital as early as possible.  Mom should be awake,” she explained.  He nodded, sliding to sit behind her and moving his hands over her shoulders.  They were still damp from her shower. 

          “Sounds like a plan,” he murmured, moving his mouth across her shoulders gently.  Natalie shivered, leaning back into him for a moment as he continued to kiss her. 

          “Are you trying to distract me?” she asked.  His kiss moved to the side of her neck, and then her ear. 

          “Why would I try to do that?” he replied softly, a smile coming to his lips as she shuddered. 

          “I can think of a few reasons,” she said as he pulled the towel from her head and slid his fingers through her wet hair.  She turned toward him, moving to straddle his waist.  “I need to get to the hospital,” she told him as his slid his hands up her thighs. 

          “OK,” he said, his hands moving under her towel slowly.  He continued to kiss her and she let out a shaky breath. 

          “Aidan, I’m serious,” she said.  He pulled away and looked up at her with big hazel eyes.  He reached up to brush her hair away from her face.

          “It’s seven in the morning Natalie… visiting hours don’t start until nine or so,” he said.  She smiled, leaning toward him and kissing him.   

          “You’re pretty persistent aren’t you?” she asked.  He grinned, giving a shrug of his shoulders.

          “I’ve at least gotta’ try don’t I?” Natalie laughed, pushing him back on the bed and bringing her mouth over his. 

          Natalie’s father was already at the hospital when Natalie and Aidan arrived.  He smiled at them when they entered his wife’s room, bringing his index finger to his lips to signal for them to be quiet.  He stood quickly and they all walked out of the room.     

          “She’s just fallen asleep… she had a pretty restless night,” he told them. 

          “Have you eaten anything yet Dad?” Natalie asked.  He shook his head, glancing over his shoulder to check in on his wife.

          “No, not yet.  Why don’t you two go to the cafeteria?  You can bring me back a donut or something,” he said.  Natalie let out a sigh, taking her father’s hand in hers.

          “Dad, you need to take a break and get something real to eat.  Let’s go, I’m serious,” she said sternly.  Mr. Ryan looked at her for a long moment before letting out a defeated breath.

          “Alright… you’re right.” They walked down the hall in silence, taking an elevator to the first floor and going in to the cafeteria.  They each got trays, filling them with various foods.  Natalie got a box of cereal and a banana, paying for it and finding a seat.  Aidan and her father soon joined her, and she nodded when she saw that her father had gotten a big bowl of fruit salad, toast, and a small omelet. 

          “That’s more like it Dad,” she said with a smile.  Mr. Ryan smiled weakly, beginning to eat.  “Has the doctor said anything else?” she asked.  Her father shook his head slowly.

          “No, not yet.  I think she’ll be having surgery again soon to take care of the issue with the breasts.  I think they’re going to have to take them this time,” he said.  Natalie let out a breath, staring down at her cereal hard to keep from crying.  She felt Aidan reach over and put his hand on her thigh reassuringly. 

          “Does Mom know that yet?” she asked after taking a moment to make sure her voice wouldn’t catch when she spoke. 

          “Not yet.  I’m waiting for the doctor to come and talk with us together… I don’t want to get her worried prematurely,” he said.  Natalie nodded, taking a small bite of her cereal.  It was soggy now. 

          “She won’t let them do that to her… you know that don’t you?” she asked.  Mr. Ryan gave a curt nod, looking down at his hands for a moment before looking back at them.

          “Yes, I know that,” he said in a soft voice. 

          Mrs. Ryan was awake when they returned from breakfast.  She smiled at them when they entered the room.

          “I thought you’d abandoned ship,” she said.  They all laughed.  Natalie leaned down and gave her a gentle hug.

          “How do you feel Mom?” she inquired.  Mrs. Ryan gave a small shrug, adjusting carefully in the bed.

          “I’m sore.  They had to open me right up to get to the tumors on my lungs, so my whole chest is hurting.  I can breathe again though… so that’s helpful.  I just want to get home as soon as possible.”

          “Of course you do.  I’m sure this won’t be a long stay,” Mr. Ryan said.  Natalie glanced up at him, unable to hide the frown on her face.  He gave a slight shake of his head before smiling down at his wife.  “Sweetheart, I need to go ask the nurse about your breakfast.  I’ll be right back.  Natalie, do you still want a soda?” She nodded and followed him out of the room.

          “Why are you telling her she’s not going to have to stay here long?  You just got through telling me that she needs at least one more surgery… and it sounds like she’ll need chemo after that,” she whispered once they had gotten into the hallway. 

          “She doesn’t know all that yet… I didn’t want to get into all of it last night, and there hasn’t been time this morning.” Natalie crossed her arms across her chest, glaring at her father. 

          “You can’t keep this kind of thing from her.  The doctor is going to come up here eventually and inform her of how serious this is.  You can’t protect her from this.”

          “I can for a little while,” he argued.  Natalie raked her fingers through her hair in frustration.

          “Dad, didn’t you learn a damn thing after everything that happened after my accident… everything with Apollo?” she demanded.  Mr. Ryan frowned, pushing up one of the sleeves of his sweater.

          “This has nothing to do with what happened after your accident Natalie.  Your mother is in a fragile state… I don’t want to make it worse.” She nodded, her eyes narrowing angrily. 

          “Just like you didn’t want to upset me right after my accident… so you didn’t tell me the truth about Apollo.  But you’re right, this isn’t about me.  It’s about Mom and the fact that she has the right to hear from you what the doctor has said.  She trusts you to be honest with her.  If you don’t tell her I will.” Mr. Ryan let out a sigh, bowing his head for a moment before nodding.

          “You’re right,” he murmured.  He took her hand and they went back into the room.

          “That was quick,” Mrs. Ryan said.  She watched as her husband sat down on the edge of the bed. 

          “I need to tell you some things,” he began.

          Natalie sat on the end of her mother’s bed between her feet, playing go fish with her.  So far her mom was winning.  It was mid afternoon and the doctor still hadn’t stopped in to talk with them, although Mrs. Ryan was now aware of everything her husband had been told.  She’d taken the news surprisingly well.  Aidan and her father were sitting in chairs around the bed, watching a talk show on television.

          “Do you have any eights?” she asked.

          “Go fish,” her mother replied.  Natalie took another card from the pile and sighed when it didn’t match any in her hand. 

          “You’re looking much better than last night,” a voice said.  They all turned, watching as her mother’s oncologist walked into the room.

          “Dr. Mackenzie, it’s nice to see you,” Mrs. Ryan said, smiling at the woman.  She smiled back, pulling up a chair and taking out her chart.

          “I’m sorry to see you again like this.  I really thought we had it beat the last time,” she said.  She reached out and gave her hand a squeeze.  Natalie’s mother nodded and let out a small breath.

          “It would have been nicer to run into you at the grocery store, I’ll agree with you there,” she said.  Everyone laughed for a moment, sobering as the doctor did. 

          “Sharon, the situation is very serious this time.  We got the biopsied tissue back, and the cancer has metastized in the lung.  Based upon the x-rays we took, there are also three more growths in your breasts.  We need to do surgery immediately… and this time we will have no choice but to perform a mastectomy.” Mrs. Ryan shook her head slowly.

          “What about chemo… last time that was successful,” she said.  Natalie took her mother’s hand, squeezing it gently.

          “This time we are fighting an entirely different thing Sharon.  We not only have the breast cancer, which is serious, but we also have the lungs that are affected.  It is very serious,” Dr. Mackenzie explained.

          “You don’t think the chemotherapy will work, do you?” Mrs. Ryan asked, looking at the doctor evenly.  The woman hesitated, glancing at Natalie’s father.

          “We… umm, we’re not sure.  In this stage, in the lungs, it becomes incredibly unpredictable.  All we can do is fight as hard as we can.”

          “How long do I have?”

          “Sharon, we’re not at that point yet… we still have many things we can do to try and…” Mrs. Ryan cut the doctor off.

          “If I don’t do the mastectomy, how long do I have?” she asked.

          “Mom, be reasonable for a second,” Natalie said, looking at Aidan and then her father for help.

          “Sharon, the mastectomy is necessary for your survival.  Opting not to do it would be choosing to die,” the doctor explained.  Mrs. Ryan nodded slowly.

          “If I had the surgery what would my prognosis be?” she demanded.  The doctor hesitated again, shaking her head slowly.

          “I can’t really answer that…”

          “Dr. Mackenzie, I am asking for an honest answer.  If the cancer is metastized in my lungs, even if I had my breast removed, what would you guess my prognosis to be?” The woman cleared her throat.

          “We could try chemotherapy, strong doses.  That might be successful, although it isn’t likely.  This is spreading quickly.  If the chemo doesn’t work, I would guess that you have six to ten months left.”

          “Then let’s start chemo today.  The best defense is a good offense I’ve always heard.”

          “What about the surgery?” Dr. Mackenzie asked.  Mrs. Ryan looked at her evenly.

          “You can remove the tumors in my breast.  Other than that, you are to do nothing to my breasts.  I will not consent to a mastectomy considering my prognosis even if I had one.” Nobody in the room attempted to argue with her; something in Sharon Ryan’s voice made it clear that she would not discuss it further.

          “I will schedule the surgery to remove the tumors.  After surgery we’ll begin the chemotherapy,” Dr. Mackenzie said, standing up and forcing a smile.

          “Thank you,” Sharon said.

          “We’ll do all we can,” the woman said, turning and walking quickly from the room.  There was a long silence as everyone absorbed what had just happened. 

          “Do you have any tens?” Mrs. Ryan said suddenly.  Everyone looked at her, confused expressions on their faces.  She held up her cards to Natalie and said again, “Do you have any tens?” Natalie swallowed hard.

          “I… no, Mom, go fish,” she replied.

          Aidan followed Natalie into her house that night.  She kicked off her shoes and walked down the hallway silently, leaving all the lights off.  He walked behind her, saying nothing as he watched her take off her jacket and toss it into the corner of her bedroom.  She plopped down on the corner of her bed and looked out the window for a long moment.  Her hair was cascading over her shoulders, and the light from the full moon cast a silvery glow in the golden strands.  She put her face in her hands, and he watched as her shoulders began to shake.  She drew in a shuddering breath and he went to kneel in front of her.

          “Natalie, she’s going to be OK,” he said, sliding his hands over her knees gently.  She shook her head, sniffing loudly.

          “You heard what the doctor said.  Even if she had the mastectomy, the lung cancer is going to kill her.”

          “She said that right now that’s what it looked like.  She’s going to fight it.  There’s chemotherapy and she’s stubborn as hell.  She’s not going to just give up; she’ll fight it with all she’s got.  Don’t get defeated right out of the gate.  She’s beaten this before,” he said.  He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest and holding her tightly.  He felt her fingers curl around the material of his sweatshirt as she continued to sob.  It went on for a long time, and Aidan held her tightly rubbing circles on her back.  Finally she pulled away and looked at him seriously.  Her face was streaked with tears.

          “I’m sorry,” she muttered.  Aidan smiled, brushing her tears away with his thumbs before placing a gentle kiss on her lips.

          “You don’t have anything to apologize for.  This was a bad day… and we’ll probably have a few more before they get better.” He stood up and went to her dresser, taking out an over sized T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts that she’d borrowed from him months ago and never returned.  He went back to her side and crouched down in front of her.  “Pjs,” he said, giving her another kiss before standing and pulling her shirt over her head.  He replaced it with the T-shirt he’d found and then pulled her to her feet.  He unbuttoned her jeans and then guided her back to a sitting position on the bed.  He pulled the jeans off and then pulled the boxer shorts into their place.  Natalie watched as he folded the blankets back on the bed and then crawled up to her pillow.  He pulled the covers up to her chin and then quickly changed into his own pajamas.  She let out a breath as she felt him slide into bed behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist. 

          “I love you,” she whispered, snuggling back into his chest.  Aidan held her even more tightly.

          “I love you too Nat,” he said.

          Mrs. Ryan had surgery again that Friday.  Her doctor removed the three tumors in her breast, but left the breast completely in tact.  No one could change Sharon Ryan’s mind about the mastectomy.  She began heavy doses of chemotherapy on Saturday.  Natalie sat in one of the chairs beside the bed on Monday morning, reading one of her text books for school as her mother slept.  She felt a hand on her shoulder and gave a little jump, looking up and smiling when she saw Aidan.

          “Hey,” he whispered, giving her a quick kiss. 

          “Hi.  She finally fell asleep about half an hour ago.  She’s been so sick all day,” she told him.  Aidan sat down next to her, taking out some of his own school work and starting to study.  Natalie’s mother came awake suddenly, struggling to sit up and reaching for the plastic bowl she’d kept nearby in case she needed to be sick.  Natalie stood up hurriedly and handed her mother the bowl just in time.  She sat behind her, rubbing her back as she vomited.  When she was done Natalie took the bowl to the bathroom and dumped the contents in the toilet, first taking note of how much liquid was in the bowl.  She rinsed it out and then came out to jot down the volume on her mother’s input/output chart. 

          “How bad was it?” Mrs. Ryan asked.  Natalie shook her head and plopped back down in her chair.

          “Not too bad.  I think you’re keeping more down than you are putting out.  Do you want a popsicle or anything?  I think they have the banana kind that you like.” Her mother nodded and Natalie started to stand up, but Aidan put his hand on her thigh.

          “I’ll get it,” he said, walking to the door and disappearing into the hallway.  Natalie smiled to herself.

          “He’s such a wonderful young man,” Mrs. Ryan said, leaning back into her pillows and closing her eyes.  Natalie nodded, reaching out to hold her mother’s hand.

          “He sure is.  How are you feeling?” she asked.  Mrs. Ryan opened one eye and gave her a look that made Natalie laugh.  “OK, maybe that was a dumb question.  I meant are you feeling worse or better or just the same?”

          “The same I think.  I’m so tired… I wish they could give me something to just knock me out for a day or so.  I could use about twelve hours of uninterrupted sleep.” Natalie nodded and they glanced up when Aidan returned with her popsicle. 

          “Here you go,” he said, handing her the frozen treat.  Mrs. Ryan smiled at him gratefully as she began to eat it. 

          “Thank you Aidan,” she said. 

          “No problem Mrs. Ryan,” he replied.  He sat back down next to Natalie and picked up his book again.

          “What are you studying for?” Natalie asked.  He let out a sigh.

          “One of my finals.  This one class ends earlier than my others, so I have about another week before I take this insanely difficult and complicated exam.  It’s for my equine primary care distribution set… the last one.  Once I’m finished with this I can focus on my clinical rotations.  I’ll take the state boards and licensing exams, and then I’ll do residency with Greg.  It’s just nice to be so close to the finish line,” he explained.  Natalie gave his had a squeeze.

          “You’ve worked really hard.  You’re going to be great at it,” she told him.      

          “You should be at the library studying, rather than here,” Mrs. Ryan said.  They turned to look at her and Aidan shook his head.

          “This is fine Mrs. Ryan.  I can get just as much done here… besides I have two built in study buddies if I stay here,” he said with a wink.  Natalie and her mother laughed a little.

          “I just don’t want you to feel obligated to be here Aidan.  I appreciate that you’ve come so often… it helps Natalie and me.  Just don’t feel like you have to stay and watch me sleep and puke all day,” she said.  Aidan laughed.

          “Don’t worry, I don’t,” he promised her.  They watched as she drifted off to sleep again.  Natalie took his hand in hers and then leaned closer and kissed his cheek.

          “Thank you,” she murmured.  He smiled and shook his head slowly as he went back to studying his notes.

          “No need to thank me Nat.  If you need me to quiz you on that chapter, let me know.  I’ll need a break soon.” She nodded and opened her own book again.

          Natalie spent nearly every waking moment at the hospital, unless she had a class.  She had canceled her riding lessons, although some of her students had opted to work with Chris until she was able to devote time to them again.  The only person she was still working with was Aidan.  One morning in March Natalie watched as Aidan cantered Poe around the ring.

          “He’s too forward… you need to half halt and use your seat to get him underneath you!” she called.  They’d been working for a half an hour and she’d been yelling at him for at least twenty-five minutes of that time.  Aidan sighed and did as she said.  They came over a line of fences and as he turned Poe to come across the diagonal to pop over a simple oxer, he could see Natalie shaking her head.  “You two are a mess coming off that combination.  Make a circle and get back on task,” she said.  He nodded curtly and followed her instructions.  He cantered the big gelding in a large circle and then approached the fence again.  They went over it and moved on to the next fence.  “You need to be more in your heel!  If he stops short you’re going for a solo jumping lesson!” she yelled.  Aidan eased Poe to a walk, turning toward her and frowning.  “What are you doing?” she demanded.

          “I’m stopping before I lose my temper.  What’s with you today?  You’ve turned in to Atilla the trainer,” he said, the frustration in his tone evident.  Natalie frowned too, putting her hands on her hips.

          “I’m only being stern because you’re riding like it’s your first day up in the irons.  It’s like you’ve forgotten months of training.  Seriously Aidan where’s your head today?” He dismounted and ran up the stirrups.

          “We can try again tomorrow.  You’re not going to talk to me like I’m a complete idiot.  We weren’t even having a bad ride.”

          “I’m sorry, I thought I was the one who had won all the shows and knew what she was talking about.  I must’ve gotten confused though,” she muttered, starting to stalk past him.  Aidan caught her arm and made her turn to look at him.

          “I think you must be confused, because you haven’t won a show yourself in going on three years.  You might be training me Natalie, but I’m the one doing the work.  I bust my ass when I ride for you and I don’t appreciate being abused when I’m having a slightly off day.  If anyone had talked to you like this you would’ve raised holy hell.  Get over yourself and stop being a bitch,” he said.  He stalked away, leaving her standing in the middle of the ring with her jaw hanging.  She plopped down on the mounting block, sliding her hand over her face and stopping when it came to rest at the crown of her head.  She stared down at her boots, letting out a sigh and biting her bottom lip.  With a deep breath she got up and walked into the main aisle of the barn.  She stopped at Poe’s stall and cursed under her breath when she saw that Aidan was already gone. 

          “I don’t think he went far,” Chris said, tossing two flakes of hay into the horse’s stall.  He motioned with his head toward the far door at the end of the aisle and Natalie could see Aidan’s silhouette standing there. 

          “Thanks,” she muttered, walking up the aisle with her hands stuffed into the pocket of her hooded sweatshirt.  She paused behind him for a moment and then slid her hands over his shoulders.  “I’m sorry,” she said softly, moving to slide her arms around his waist.  When he didn’t say anything she added, “You were right; I was behaving like a psychotic tyrant.  I’m stressed out with my Mom and I’m taking it out on you… I know you don’t deserve that and I’m sorry.” He slid his hand over hers and gave it a squeeze before turning and looking down at her.

          “It’s ok.  You have a lot of good reasons to have a bad day now and again.  Life is pretty crappy right now.  I’m sorry I called you a bitch.  I shouldn’t talk to you that way either.” She smiled, standing on her tip toes to place a kiss on his lips.

          “Well sometimes I am one.  I’m sorry for being that way.” Aidan shrugged and shook his head, reaching out and taking her hand as he started back up the aisle. 

          “We’re all entitled to a couple of off days now and then.  Besides, you were right… I wasn’t in my heel.” She laughed and slid her arm around his waist as they continued to walk. 

          “At least you admit it,” she kidded.

          Natalie answered her cell phone on the third ring, “Hello?” She tried to slow her breathing down.  She’d been in the ring longing Calypso when she heard the phone ringing, and for the past two months any time the phone rang it was her father asking her to come stay with her mother at the hospital.

          “Nat, it’s Dad,” Mr. Ryan said. 

          “I figured.  What’s up?” she asked. 

          “Dr. Mackenzie has asked us all to come in this afternoon.  She said that it’s time to have a serious discussion about your mother’s options,” he explained.  Natalie let out a breath, leaning back against the wall for a moment.

          “What time do you need me there?” she inquired.

          “One thirty if you can get here.”

          “Alright, I’ll be there.  Let Mom know.”

          “Thanks honey.  We’ll see you then,” he said.  Natalie hung up the phone and went back to the arena.  She’d left Calypso standing there fully tacked up, and the horse hadn’t moved. 

          “What a good girl,” she said, picking up the end of the longe line and clucking her tongue.  The mare broke into a trot and moved around her with ease.  Natalie watched her carefully, glancing over her shoulder when she heard a noise at the gate.  Aidan was walking in, clipping his helmet into place as he came toward her.  It was a warm day in early May, and he was wearing a T-shirt, jeans and chaps.

          “Is she warmed up?” he asked.  They had been working with the young horse regularly, and Aidan was in love with her.  He wanted to begin showing her soon.

          “Not quite.  Dad called so I had to take a short break,” she explained.  Aidan frowned, watching as she eased Calypso to a walk and coiled the longe line by walked toward the mare’s head.

          “Is everything OK?” he asked.  Natalie shrugged, letting the stirrups down and turning to face him.

          “I’m not sure.  Dr. Mackenzie wants to meet with us to discuss Mom’s options apparently.  I don’t really know what that means, but I can’t imagine it’s good.  We’ve known for awhile that the chemo just isn’t cutting it this time.”

          “I’m sorry babe,” he said, squeezing her hand gently.  She smiled weakly.

          “It’s alright.  We knew when this all started again that the outlook wasn’t good.  Let’s get this training session in for Calypso, and then I need to head up to the house and get ready to go to the hospital.”

          “Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.  She watched as he swung in to the saddle and looked down at her.  Natalie shook her head.

          “You need to get to your rotation duties this afternoon.  I’ll be OK… just come back here tonight?” Aidan nodded, gathering his reins and watching as she moved back to the center of the ring.

          “Of course I will.” He had been suggesting for months that they just move in together, but so far she had dismissed the idea.  Every time he brought it up she told him it would be too inconvenient for him driving to school. 

          “Thanks,” she murmured.  She watched as Aidan and Calypso moved around her at a walk for several moments before asking, “Ready?”

          “Let’s go,” he replied.  Natalie clucked her tongue again, nodding as the mare broke into a trot.  “Keep your seat light,” she said.  She was barely seeing Aidan though, as she thought of her mother and what that afternoon might bring.

          Natalie walked into her mother’s hospital room and pasted on a smile, going to the bed side and leaning down to place a gentle kiss on her mother’s forehead. 

          “Hey Mom, how are you?” she asked.  Mrs. Ryan smiled too, even though her lips were chapped and she looked exhausted.

          “I’m doing alright sweetie.  Thanks for coming in again today,” she said.  Natalie smiled, glancing at her father. 

          “This is part of the daily routine now… I look forward to spending the time with you so you’re stuck with me,” she replied.  She plopped down in her usual chair.  “Has Dr. Mackenzie been up yet?” she asked.  Mr. Ryan shook his head.

          “Not yet.  She said she’d be here at 1:30 or a little bit after.” Natalie glanced at her watch and nodded when she saw that it was already one thirty.  Just then Dr. Mackenzie came into the room, smiling brightly at them.

          “Hello everybody, how are you?” she asked, pulling up a chair and sitting down.  They all gave shrugs and polite answers, and the doctor nodded.  “I’m sure you’re wondering what I have to say.  It’s been a long three months for all of you, and I know you’re feeling worn out.  I just got the most recent tests back… and I’m sorry