Fadedwords

Home on the Ranch (part 2)

Joe walked into group the following Wednesday, plopping down in a chair beside Craig.  Everyone else was already there, so Mark smiled.

“Welcome back everyone.  Anybody remember what we were working on last week?”

“Family,” someone volunteered.

“Precisely.  We had mentioned how family plays a different role for everyone, and that our families can shape our lives.”

“What about people who don’t have a family,” Matt asked, glancing at Joe.  Mark paused for a moment, noticing the look.  Joe dropped his gaze.

“Well, why don’t we get feedback from the group on that.  What do you think guys?  What about people who don’t have a family, like Matt suggests.”

“Everyone has a family, don’t they?  I mean, even if it’s not ‘normal’,” Craig said.

“What do you mean normal?” Mark asked.

“I mean… like that whole dad, mom, two point five kids thing.  Hell that’s not even normal anymore is it?  Isn’t it more normal to have single moms or something like that?” he asked, glancing at Joe.  He smiled gratefully.

“You’re right Craig that is more typical these days.  How many here grew up with just one of their biological parents… or in a family where your parents didn’t live together?” Mark inquired.  Nearly half the group raised their hands, Matt included.  “Did anyone grow up not living with their parents?”  Several more hands went up.

“What about you Joe?” Matt asked.  Mark frowned.

“Matt, we don’t single people out like that,” he said.  Joe had looked up, and was staring across the group with hard and angry eyes.

“He hasn’t really said much for a couple weeks.  I was just curious,” he said, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.  Joe looked at Mark and shook his head.

“It’s ok,” he said, turning back to look at Matt and saying, “I grew up with my grandmother.”

“Thanks for sharing that with us Joe,” Mark said.  Several of the other guys nodded, but Matt was still looking at him.

“Didn’t your folks want you?” he asked.

“What the fuck is your problem man?” another boy, Jeff asked.  “Do you just get off on messing with his head and trying to piss him off so he beats the shit out of you again?” Several of the younger boys laughed.

“It’s alright,” Joe said, shaking his head and giving a little laugh.  He looked down for a moment and then looked back up.  “He just feels shitty and doesn’t know how to talk about himself, so he’s trying to bait me.  I’m not doing that shit anymore,” he said, looking directly at Matt.

“So they didn’t want you then?” Matt said.

“Matt, keep it up and you will be leaving group and working some extra hours with your individual therapist,” Mark said sternly.

“Fuck off,” he muttered.

“That’s it, out,” Mark said, standing and escorting Matt out of the room.  Joe looked up and around the circle.  Mark came back in moments later.

“Sorry about that disruption guys.  Let’s take a minute and congratulate Joe… that was a pretty big breakthrough,” he said with a grin.  The rest of the guys applauded for a moment and Joe felt a blush creeping into his cheeks.

“Not a big deal,” he muttered.

“How did it feel to deal with Matt’s behavior this way?” Mark asked.  He gave a shrug.

“Alright I guess,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips.

“That’s a start,” Mark said with a laugh.  After a moment he said, “Alright… where did we leave off?” People began talking again and Joe sat back in his chair, letting out the breath he’d been holding and unclenching his fists.  Talking sure is hard work, he thought.

Saturday afternoon Joe walked into the barn after lunch.  He carried an apple, and went to Broch’s stall.

“Hey big guy,” he murmured, letting himself in.  Broch nickered and came over, eating the apple and then standing quietly as Joe scratched behind his ears.

“You should try giving him a good grooming,” a voice said.  Joe turned, his hand on Broch’s neck.  Mark was standing in the aisle, watching them closely.

“I don’t know if he’d like that,” Joe replied, patting the big horse’s shoulder reassuringly.

“Do you trust him?” Mark asked, watching as Broch rubbed his forehead against Joe’s shoulder.

“Of course I trust him,” he said, smiling as he was pushed forward under the pressure of Broch’s big head.  “Knock it off meathead,” he murmured, putting his hand on his forehead and rubbing.  Broch gave a low nicker and tossed his head, moving to eat his hay.

“I’ll get you some brushes.  It’s been a long time since he had anyone has been able to get near him like this… grooming him has been a nightmare, so it’s usually real quick and not real thorough.  Give it a try.”

“OK.” He watched as Mark walked down to the tack room, appearing moments later with a hard brush and a soft brush.  He handed the stiff brush to Joe and watched as he walked to Broch’s side.  The big animal brought his head up and Joe held out the brush for his inspection.  “Just a brush,” he said, smiling as Broch’s nose wiggled over it.  He put a hand on his neck and started to gently run the brush over him.  Broch put his head back down to eat, oblivious to the extra attention.  Joe glanced over his shoulder and smiled at Mark.

“Great.  Let me know when you’re finished… I want to try something else,” Mark said, disappearing down the aisle.  Joe frowned a bit, and then gave a shrug.

“Can’t be anything too crazy,” he muttered, settling into his grooming task.  Dust flew off of Broch, and he was forced to smile.  “Damn crazy horse… letting yourself get so gross.  What’s so scary about a good grooming?” he asked.  Broch tossed his head but stayed still and calm as Joe moved around him.  When he was finished he stepped back to look at the horse.  He looked much better, but his coat was still shaggy.  Joe gave him a strong pat and left the stall.  He walked slowly down the aisle and found Mark in the tack room.  “I’m all done.  He looks a lot better,” he said.  Mark smiled.

“Great.  I want to try something… not sure if old Broch will put up with it.  If he doesn’t it’ll be ok.” Joe looked at him uncertainly.

“What do you want to do?” Mark turned and held something up.

“Clip him!” he said with a grin.  Joe frowned.

“I don’t know Mark… I’m not too good at that yet.  He’d end up looking pretty bad.”

“I didn’t say you were going to clip him.  I’m going to clip him.  You’re going to stand by his head while he’s in cross ties.  We’ll see how he handles the cross ties first, with you standing there.  Then you’ll show him the clippers… turn them on and run them on his shoulder or something, just to see how he takes it.  Then I’ll try standing in the stall with you guys, just at the doorway.  It’ll be a process, but it might work.” Joe nodded slowly.

“Alright.  Let’s give it a try, he said.”

Nearly three hours later, Joe and Mark stood at the doorway of Broch’s stall staring at the pile of horse hair on the floor.  Broch stood by his hay, happily munching, and looking like a different horse.

“I can’t believe it worked,” Joe said.  Mark laughed.

“Me either, to be honest.  Clip a lead shank onto that halter and lead him down to the wash stall.  I think he’ll handle a bath from you.”

“Are you kidding?” Joe asked incredulously.

“Nope.  I’ll be right with you… if something happens I’ll help.  Just trust him live you’ve been and you’ll be fine.  He has a lot of faith in you Joe.”

“Alright.” Joe walked into the stall and clipped a lead shank to the halter, clucking his tongue.  “Come on big guy, let’s go,” he said.  Broch tossed his head but then followed Joe willingly from the stall.  Joe patted his shoulder and led him to the wash stall, stopping and clipping him into the crossties.  He gave him another pat and said, “That’s a good boy.” Broch tossed his head a little, but stood quietly as Joe turned the hose on low.  He held it in front of Broch to let him have a look, and then started to slowly spray his legs.  The big horse stamped one foot and Joe smiled, moving the hose up and over his body.  Mark took out his camera, always kept on hand for such events, and snapped several pictures.  The bath went smoothly, and was soon done.  Broch stood quietly in the wash stall, damp and shining.

“Why don’t we take him outside for a walk… see how it goes,” Mark suggested.  Joe glanced at him and then nodded.

“OK.” Joe clipped the lead shank to the halter again and undid the crossties before leading Broch back down the aisle.  “Where should we take him?  It’s gotta’ be somewhere where nobody’ll bother us,” Joe said.

“Take him out the side door on the far end and go behind the barn.  Nobody should be out there at this time.” Joe nodded and led Broch down the aisle.  When they got to the door that led outdoors Broch halted.  He stared out at the twilight, ears pricked forward.

“Give it a good look.” Joe murmured.  Mark stood off to the side, watching as the boy waited patiently.  After several minutes he clucked his tongue and gave a gentle tug on the lead.  “Come on, I’ll be right with you.” Broch took a tentative step forward and Joe smiled.  “Good boy.  Come on, look at all that grass.  Let’s go,” he murmured.  Broch followed slowly and cautiously, and soon they were walking along the path.  They stopped at a particularly grassy spot and Broch put his head down to graze.  Joe glanced over his shoulder and smiled at Mark.  “Looks like he remembers what grass is,” he said.

“Looks like it,” Mark agreed with a smile.

The county fair took place during the weeks of September first through the twentieth.  It was perfect timing really; all the boys could participate in the fair if they wanted without it interfering with the cattle drive.  Joe had decided he wanted to enter some riding classes, and Beth fully supported him in this.  On the first day of showing Joe walked through the fairground barn, stopping at Brutal’s stall. The big horse was standing quietly, already groomed and ready to be saddled.

“Nervous?” a voice asked.  Joe turned and smiled when he saw Craig.

“Yeah.  Real nervous.” Craig smiled and patted his shoulder.

“No need to worry.  Just a walk, jog, lope class… you can take that in your sleep,” he reassured.  Joe laughed, picking up his saddle and going into the stall.

“I think I’ll try it awake,” he said.  Craig laughed and stepped into the stall to help.  After a few minutes Brutal was tacked up and looking beautiful in his silver plated saddle and bridle.  Joe stepped out of the stall and took his black show chaps off the saddle rack.  He put them on slowly, securing the buckles around his waist and then bending to zip the legs.  Beth walked up and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me give you a hand,” she said, crouching down and zipping each leg.  Joe smiled.

“Thanks,” he muttered.  She grinned and stood up, just as Mark and Pam arrived.

“First show is a big day,” Pam said.  Joe glanced at Craig.

“Wanna toss me your hat now?” he asked.  Craig had promised to lend him his black cowboy hat for the show.

“Fuck no,” he replied.  Joe frowned.

“What do you mean?  You said I could borrow yours just for my class,” he said, a frown on his face.  Craig nodded his head toward Mark.

“We thought you might like your own,” Mark said, holding out a box.  Joe looked at it, his eyes wide, and opened it slowly.  Inside was a brand new, black cowboy hat.  Joe stared at it in awe.

“This is mine?” he asked, looking around at everyone.  They all nodded.

“Put it on man,” Craig said, nudging his shoulder.  Joe put the hat on his head, pushing it down snugly.  He looked at the ground for a moment and then looked up at everyone again.

“This is really great… thanks,” he muttered.  Mark gave his shoulder a firm pat and smiled.

“City boy in a cowboy hat… who would’ve thought?” he kidded.  Everyone laughed.

“Let’s get out to the ring,” Beth said.  Joe nodded and took Brutal’s reins, leading him out into the sunshine.  When they were by the fence he swung into the saddle and settled in.  “Alright.  I want you to ride just how you do when we’re at the ranch.  Sit tall, heels down, sit deep in the saddle.  Keep your rein hand low and steady… your free hand right on your thigh.  Keep light contact with his mouth at the canter,” Beth said sternly.  Joe nodded and smiled.

“Gotcha,” he said.  Craig smiled up at him.

“Remember to breathe,” he said.  Everyone laughed again.  Some of the other guys from the ranch had come up and offered their good lucks and words of encouragement.

“All entries for the beginner walk, jog, lope class please come into the ring,” a voice said over the loud speaker.  Joe smiled down at everyone.

“That’s me,” he said.

“Good luck Joe,” the group said as he rode off.  He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly as they walked around the ring, following the horse in front of them.

“All jog,” the judge said.  Joe squeezed with his legs and Brutal moved forward at an easy jog.  They went around the ring, and Joe felt his worry fading away as he concentrated on riding.  They went around at a trot several times around the ring before the judge called, “All walk.” Joe drew in a deep breath and let it out, pulling back gently with his reins.  Brutal moved back to a walk.  They moved about halfway around the ring and then the judge said, “Lope please.” Joe moved his outside leg back slightly and squeezed with both, moving his hand forward slightly.  Brutal picked up a lope and they moved around the ring with ease.  After twice around, the judge called for all riders to come to the center.  Joe went to center and halted, leaning down to pat Brutal’s shoulder.

“Good boy,” he murmured.  An attendant walked into the center of the ring, carrying a tray full of ribbons.

“Thank you all, that was some nice riding.  Fifth place goes to 227, forth place to 521, third place to 152, second place to 97 and first place to number 312,” the judge said.  Joe glanced down to the large cardboard number on the front of his shirt: 312.  He smiled and watched as the attendant clipped a blue ribbon to Brutal’s bridle.  He came out of the ring and smiled down at everyone from the ranch.

“I won,” he said, dismounting.  Beth gave him a tight hug.

“We’re so proud of you Joe!” she exclaimed.  Several others patted him on the back.

“Way to go man, awesome ride,” Craig said.  Joe smiled, patting Brutal’s shoulder.

“I’m gonna’ go put him away,” he said, leading Brutal toward the barn.  Once he was in the stall Joe leaned against the wall.  “Jesus, I won,” he said softly.

Pam was in her office when Joe arrived for his usual appointment on Monday afternoon.  She smiled at him.

“Hey there champ,” she greeted.  He blushed a little.

“Thanks,” he muttered, sitting down in his usual chair.

“So are you still flying high after your win?” He gave a shrug.

“I guess so.  I didn’t think I’d actually win.” Pam nodded.

“You rode very well.  All of us standing at the fence knew you were a shoe in… your transitions were perfect.” He smiled.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Have you ever won anything before?” Joe shook his head slowly.

“Nah.  I never entered any contests or anything before now.”

“Not even with your art?” He shook his head again, glancing out the window.

“Nope.  I never thought it was good enough… and usually I was in trouble at school so I didn’t get a chance to do fun stuff like that.”

“I’ve seen some of your art.  You should know that I think it is very good.  I think you have a lot of talent.” He blushed.

“Thanks.” They were silent for several minutes.

“Mark told me that you had a pretty big breakthrough in group about a week or so ago,” she said finally.  Joe shrugged, but said nothing so Pam continued, “He said that Matt was going out of his way to get to you, but that you handled it extremely well.”

“I just ignored him for the most part,” he muttered.  Pam looked at him seriously.

“It must have been difficult to take the higher ground in that situation.  I heard he was saying some pretty nasty stuff about your family.” Joe looked down at his hands.

“Like I said, it was no big deal.” Another silence stretched out, but this time Joe spoke first.  “He was just saying how my parents must not have wanted me… stupid shit like that.”

“What was it like to hear him say those kinds of things?” He looked up at her with seriously eyes.

“What do you think it was like?” he demanded.

“Well I know what it would be like for me to hear those kinds of things about my own family.  I’m asking what it was like for you to hear those kinds of things about yours,” she replied.

“It made me angry… hurt my feelings,” he muttered.  Pam let him sit quietly for another moment.  He stared out the window, his eyes sad.  “He doesn’t know about my family, you know?”

“It must have been frustrating to hear someone make judgments like that about your life and your situation when you know they don’t understand what things have been like for you.”

“Yeah.  He just wanted to piss me off and start something again… so I just didn’t let him this time.”

“What made this time different?  I know there were a lot of times before where people said things to you that hurt or made you angry, and those times led to you lashing out physically or with very angry words.  What changed that this time?”

“Mark and I talked a couple weeks ago… about my grandmother and how she wouldn’t want to see me fail here.  He said that he believed in me and that everyone here does too.  I thought about that a lot, and I decided he was right about what Gram would want.  When I came here I knew how sad it made her, but that she wanted me to get help.  So I thought I should keep trying.”

“That’s pretty insightful and mature of you.  I think your grandmother would be proud of you,” she said.  Joe gave a small smile.

“Really?” he asked.

“Really.”

“I hope so,” he murmured.

“I heard you’ve been spending a lot more time with Broch.  I saw him the other day and he looks great.  Looked like he had a clipping and a bath,” she said.  Joe grinned.

“He did.  Mark and I did it… well Mark did the clipping and I did the bath.  I thought he was nuts when he suggested we try it.  I thought Broch would freak out for sure.”

“He didn’t though?”

“Nope.  He just stood there and looked skeptical for a minute… and then he just stood there.  He was pretty good.  Then he got a walk outside.”

“Why do you think he was so cooperative in all of this?  I suppose you know how difficult he’s been to handle since he got here.”

“Yeah.  I think he just knew it’d be ok.”

“Why do you think he knew that?”

“Because he trusts me…” Joe said.  Pam nodded.

“You must trust him an awful lot too.  He’s a big horse… but you trusted him to go near him and to give him time to trust you.  That’s pretty amazing.”

“He understands me… that sounds weird doesn’t it?”

“No.  A lot of the guys who come here find a horse that understands them.  Horses are good at understanding.  They don’t hold much against us… our past especially.” He nodded.

“Yeah.  It’s nice,” Joe said.  Pam smiled.

“Yes it is.  Are you excited about the cattle drive?”

“I guess so.  I’m a little nervous,” he admitted.

“Nervous?”

“Yeah.  We’ve been going through what we need to do and how to go through all the stuff… but I keep worrying that I’ll mess up and something will go wrong.”

“If Mark didn’t think you could handle it, he would hold you back.” Joe nodded.

“I know.  It’s a new thing though… so I’m going to worry a bit,” he replied.

“That’s fair.  Our time’s about up for today.  Congratulations again on your win.  I’m so proud of you.” He stood up, a smile on his face.

“Thanks.  I’ll see you on Friday,” he said.  She nodded and watched as he left the room.

The morning of the cattle drive came quickly.  Joe was up at four a.m. and was in the barn by four thirty.  He went to Broch’s stall and let himself in.

“I’ll be back in a week big guy.  Behave ok?” he murmured.  He gave him a pat on the shoulder and then walked down to the tack room.  He would be riding Brutal on the cattle drive.

“Ready?” a voice asked.  Joe turned and smiled at Craig.

“Yeah, I guess so.  I’ll see you out in the front yard in twenty minutes.” He turned back to Brutal and finished tacking up.  They went out into the stable yard and Joe was forced to smile when he saw all the horses, and the big wagon full of supplies.  He swung into his saddle and glanced around.  Craig was mounted on a big paint and was standing near Mark and his mount.  Joe clucked his tongue and Brutal trotted over.

“Welcome to your first drive Joe!” Mark greeted.  The big bay gelding he was mounted on danced to the side.

“Thanks.”

“Everybody listen up!” Mark called.  A hush fell over the crowd of 20 people, all mounted on horses.  “It’ll take us about two days to reach the upper pasture.  We’ll meet up with the herd there, and then we’ll bring them back down.  For the new guys, it takes longer on the way back because the cows aren’t always cooperative.  Let’s move out!” He and his horse cantered to the front of the line, and everyone fell in behind him.  Joe glanced at Craig and grinned.

“Stick with me man, I’ve done this a couple times,” he said.

“I’ll be right beside you,” Joe promised as they picked up a jog and rode out of the stable yard.

They rode for several hours, moving up into the mountains and through the tree line.  At around noon they reached a large open field and Mark held up his hand for a stop.

“We’ll spend the rest of today making camp here.  I need five people to help set up two large pens.  One is for the horses and one will be for the herd when we bring them back down this way.  I’ll need at least one of the group leaders to help with that project,” Mark said.  Several people raised their hands and Mark motioned for them to come forward.  “The rest of you can help set up camp.  We’ll need one area for sleeping, one for the wagon with all the supplies, and I’ll need a couple people to start hauling water up from the creek so we can do some cooking.” Craig glanced at Joe and smiled.

“Wanna’ help with the water?” Joe nodded and they each dismounted.

“Mark we’ll get the water,” he said, following Craig to the wagon.  They each tethered their horses to it, and got two of the big water jugs out of the wagon.  Everyone else was dismounting and moving on to do various jobs.  The two boys walked down to the creek in silence and crouched down to fill their jugs.

“How do you like it so far?” Craig asked as they filled.

“It’s great to be in the saddle all day like this, and outside too.  How much further is it to reach the cows?”

“‘Bout another day’s ride.  We’ll make camp up there tomorrow night, and then we start back down in the morning.  We come around a different way… more space for the whole herd.  It takes a little longer though.”

“So do we just pack up food to take with us tomorrow?”

“Yeah.  We make good use of our saddle bags starting tomorrow.  I’m full,” Craig said.  He put the top on his water jug and waited as Joe finished filling his jug.  When it was full they lugged the heavy jugs back into camp.  One of the pens was already set up, and the other was well on its way.  Several people were putting up tents, and several more were working around a fire.  Joe and Craig went to the wagon and set the water down.

“Nice job boys.  Why don’t you go help set up tents?  Then we can relax a bit,” Mark said.  They nodded and walked off toward the group setting up tents.

That night the group sat around a big fire, talking and laughing.  Joe leaned back against a large log, still full from dinner.  It was chilly out that night, and he was glad he’d thought to pack a hooded sweatshirt.  He pulled up the hood and glanced around.  People were slowly disappearing to their tents for the night, knowing it’d be an early day the following morning.  Soon the only ones left were Craig, Mark, and Joe.

“You boys should be getting to bed.  We’re up and at ‘em by five tomorrow morning,” Mark said.  Both nodded, but neither moved to stand.

“How many times have you done this trip?” Joe asked, glancing at each of them.  Craig shrugged.

“This is my fifth time,” he said.  Mark smiled.

“I’ve been here since I was about your age Joe… left for awhile to go to school and get my college taken care of.  Then I came back to work.  I’d guess I’ve been here about thirteen years all together, and we do the trip up and back twice a year.  So what’s that?  Twenty six times?” he said, his gaze thoughtful.

“That’s a lot of rides back and forth,” Joe murmured.  Mark laughed.

“It sure as hell is,” he said.

“What’d you go to college for Mark?” Craig asked.

“Counseling.  After all my time here, I knew that it was what I should be doing.  Went through and got my masters degree… then applied for a job here.  The crazy bastards took me back,” he said with a grin.  There was a long moment of silence until Mark asked, “You two going to go to college?” They glanced at one another and each one shrugged.

“Beats me,” Craig said.

“What about you Joe?” The boy shook his head.

“Probably not.  I’m not too good at school,” he said.

“You’ve gotten some pretty good grades during the good times from what I remember reading.  I think you could do some good work at college,” Mark said.  Joe shrugged, but said nothing.

“My parents want me to go,” Craig said suddenly.  He looked at Joe and asked, “Don’t your folks want you to?  Mine were always holding that over my head any time I fucked up.  ‘You’ll never get into a good college acting this way!’  I can hear my mom saying it in my head.” Joe looked down at his hands.

“I don’t know what my parents want,” he said finally.

“They never told you?  Jesus I wish I had parents like that; mine never shut up,” Craig kidded.  Mark sat up a bit, watching as Joe brought his legs up to his chest.

“Like I said in group, I grew up with my grandmother,” he muttered.

“Oh, so they weren’t around at all?  Sorry man, I didn’t realize.  Did you know them?”

“Craig maybe now’s not the time for…” Mark began.  Joe cut him off with a shake of his head.

“No, it’s ok.  They were around until I was about six,” Joe said, looking up at his friend.  Craig nodded slowly.

“Where’d they go?  Jail?  My old man’s in jail,” he said, glancing away.  “It’s a shitty deal.  Mom says we’re better off… used to beat on her all the time.”

“No, they’re not in jail.  They died,” Joe said softly.  Craig glanced at Mark, a frown on his face.

“Oh.  Man, I’m sorry… I didn’t realize…” Joe cut him off, looking u p and giving a weak smile.

“No big deal.  It’s been a long time since they died,” he said, glancing away.

“How’d they die?” Craig asked.  Joe looked back at him, and his eyes were dark.

“In an accident.  I’m going to head to bed,” he said, standing quickly and disappearing into the darkness.  Craig looked at Mark.

“Is he mad at me do you think?” he questioned.  Mark shook his head.

“I don’t think so.  He’s just dealing with some ghosts.  Hit the sack Craig.  I’ll see ya’ in the morning.” Craig nodded and stood and went to his tent, still thinking about the look in his friend’s eyes.

They rode to the high pasture the next day with no incident.  Joe looked around in awe at all the cows there.  Craig trotted up beside him.

“I told you there were a lot up here.  Now all we have to do is round them up and start back down to the half way point.”

“Will it take a long time?” Craig gave a shrug.

“We’ll eat lunch and then start back down.  There’s a camp in between here and the bigger one down below.  We stop there for the night, then we go the rest of the way down tomorrow.”

“Why do we rest so much when we get the cows?” Joe questioned.  Craig gave a grin.

“You’ll see,” he said.  Joe gave a puzzled look.  “Just stick with me, you’ll get the hang of it.” Mark rode over to them and smiled.

“We’ll take about half an hour for lunch, and then we’ll start getting the cows in hand.  Enjoy your rest,” he said.  Craig and Joe let their horses walk to the tree line to get out of the sun, and dismounted.  They took their sandwiches out of their saddle bags and sat down.  They ate in silence for several minutes.

“Damn hot out today,” Joe murmured.  Craig nodded.

“Sure is.  It’ll be cooler on our way back down though.  That’s why we take some time before we start driving them down.  They’re a little more cooperative when they aren’t cranky about moving in the heat.” Joe grinned.

“That makes sense.” They ate in silence for the rest of their lunch break, but soon heard Mark call for everyone to mount up.  They each stood and swung into their saddles, riding back over to the group.  Mark was mounted on his horse in the center.  s

“Craig, Joe, and Eric, take the right flank.  You three take the right flank, and you two go to the back,” Mark called, pointing at people who’d been in the program for at least a year.  Several people loped off.  Joe glanced up and saw that Craig was loping across the pasture.

“Come on Joe!” he called.  Joe kicked Brutal into a lope and raced after Craig.  They moved along the far side of the field, and cows started to move in.  Joe grinned as they moved around, driving the cows in.  After about half an hour Mark let out a long, loud whistle.

“Stay on your sides, watch for stragglers, and let’s move ‘em out!” he called.  The group moved out, a sea of cows and fifteen men on horseback.

By the time the reached the midway pasture it was getting dark.  Clouds had rolled in, and the wind had kicked up.  There was a make shift paddock set up, and all the cows were driven in.  Joe dismounted and took care of Brutal before finding a spot and rolling out his sleeping bag.  He flopped back with a sigh.

“Little Joey tired?” a voice asked.  Joe looked up, frowning when he saw Matt standing a few feet away.

“Man, just back off,” Joe muttered.  Matt gave a snort, but walked off.  Joe rolled his eyes and flopped back again.

“You look beat,” Craig said, walking up and tossing his sleeping bag on the ground next to him.  Joe nodded.

“It’s hard work, making those damn cows do what they’re supposed to do,” he replied.  Craig laughed.

“Yeah.  You get used to it though.  The second drive is easier than the first… so spring time will be easier.  The rest of the night for us is a lot of nothing.  They know we’re beat after chasing those fool cows around.”

“That’s good.  I could fall asleep now and sleep ‘til morning.”

“You should eat first… otherwise tomorrow’s going to be rough,” Craig said.  He sat up and then stood, holding out his hand to Joe.  “Come on man, let’s go lend a hand with dinner.” Joe stood up and they walked off toward the fire.

Joe awoke before first light at the sound of rumbling thunder.  He sat up just as the first raindrops began to fall.  Before he was fully out of his sleeping bag, the rain was coming down in torrents.  With a groan he hurried to put his shoes and hat on, and then rolled up his sleeping bag.

“Craig wake up,” he said, giving the older boy a nudge.  He rolled over and frowned.

“What the fuck?” he muttered, crawling out of his sleeping bag and pulling on his boots and hat.  “Where’d this weather come from?” he demanded as they hurried to their horses.  Everyone else was stirring, and Mark was calling for everyone to get into their saddles and ready to go.  Joe and Craig trotted their horses to Mark.

“Where do you need us?” Craig asked.

“Take the right side with Matt this morning.  Just keep the herd away from the high ridge… this lightning is going to spook them, and we don’t need anyone taking off toward the river.” Craig nodded, glancing at Joe and Matt.

“You two stick close by me!” he called as the loped off.  The cows were let out of their pen and they started to move down the mountain again.  They moved down at a slow and steady pace, chasing the cows that went astray and working hard to keep everyone together.  Suddenly a crack of lightning lit the sky, hitting a tree close to the trail.  Matt’s horse reared up, spinning around and taking off toward the high ridge.  Joe shot Craig a quick glance.

“I’m going after him!” he yelled over the sound of the pounding rain.  He spun Brutal around and they raced off after Matt and his horse.  They were moving over the ridge at breakneck speed.  Joe went up into his half seat, wishing his stirrups were as short as they were in English lessons.  The got to the top of the ridge, and he looked around in search of Matt and his horse.  He could hear the river rushing down below and he frowned; they were nowhere to be seen.  He pulled Brutal up and turned around, scanning the rocky area below before turning back in the direction they’d been going.  It was then that he saw Matt’s horse.  It was standing near some trees, not far away.  He cantered over, pulling to a halt and dismounting several feet away.  He walked slowly toward the palomino.  “Easy boy, easy,” he murmured as he moved forward.  He reached the uneasy horse and took his reins, reaching out to stroke the muscular neck reassuringly.  He glanced around, frowning when he still didn’t see Matt.  “Matt!” he called.

“Down here!” a voice called.  Joe wiped rain from his face and stepped forward.  A frown crossed his face at what he saw; Matt was hanging on to a branch, precariously over the rushing water below.  He tossed the horse’s reins over another branch and he got to his stomach, stretching his arm out.

“Grab my hand!” he yelled.  Matt looked up, shaking his head.

“I can’t let go!” he said, fear in his voice.  Joe reached out further.

“Yes you can.  Just grab my hand, you can do it!”

“You’ll let me fall!”

“God Damnit Matt, just grab my hand!  I promise I won’t let you fall.” After another moment’s hesitation Matt swung his hand up and caught Joe’s outstretched arm.  Joe put his other hand over Matt’s and pulled with all his might.  As he pulled he yelled, struggling to pull the boy up.  After much struggle, Matt came up over the edge and both boys topped backwards.  They sat next to each other for several minutes, each breathing heavily as the rain pounded down on them.  After some time had passed, Matt glanced at Joe.  “You OK?” Joe asked. The younger boy swallowed hard and nodded.

“Yeah,” he said.  He reached up with a shaky hand, frowning when he realized his hat was missing.  “Must’ve fallen off,” he muttered.  Joe nodded, running a hand over his face.

“Jesus man, that was close,” he said.  Matt nodded, looking at him again.

“Sure was.” They sat silently for another moment.

“We should get back,” Joe said, getting to his feet and holding out his hand.  Matt took it and was pulled to his feet.

“Bet they’re crazy worried by now,” Matt said, swinging into his saddle.  Joe laughed a little.

“Yeah, I bet.  Let’s go,” he replied.  They rode off together, each glancing back at the tree line before they disappeared over the ridge.  They caught up to the group quickly, as they had stopped once they realized what happened.  Mark hurried over on his horse, looking at Matt’s pale face and bloody temple.

“Are you ok?” he demanded.  Matt glanced at Joe and nodded.

“Yeah.  Joe had my back,” he said, riding off toward the front of the herd.  Mark looked to Joe for some answers.

“What happened?”

“Nothin’ much.  Everything’s fine.  Let’s move out… we’re getting wet,” he said.  Mark nodded.

“OK.” He turned his horse and called, “Let’s move out!” Joe fell in beside Craig, glancing at him and grinning.

“So what’d I miss?” he asked.  Craig shook his head.

“You’re unbelievable man,” he muttered.

They drove the herd into the ranch three days later, and were met with cheers from all the staff and kids that had remained behind.  Joe watched as the last of the cows were pushed into a field before dismounting and leading Brutal toward the barn.  He spent nearly twenty minutes taking care of the horse, taking special care to groom, wrap his legs, and pack his feet.  When he was done he got two flakes of hay and tossed it in the stall.

“You deserve that big guy,” he said, giving the horse a pat and closing the stall door.  He walked down the aisle and stopped at Broch’s stall.  The big horse’s head shot up and he whinnied happily.  Joe grinned and said, “I missed you too.  Were you good?” He opened the stall door and went in, his smile growing as Broch came to his side and rubbed his forehead against him.  Joe reached out to the stall door and retrieved his halter and a lead shank.  “Let’s go for a walk,” he murmured, slipping the halter on.  He clipped the lead shank on and clucked his tongue.  Broch followed eagerly and they moved down the aisle and outside.  It was starting to get dark out, so few people were around.  Those who were knew to keep their distance.  Joe stopped in a grassy spot and sat down, letting Broch take his time grazing.  A sudden noise behind him made Joe turn as Broch’s head shot up.  He stood, going to the animal’s side and putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.  Matt was standing in the path, watching them closely.

“Hey,” he muttered.  Joe gave a nod of acknowledgement.

“Hey.  Do you need something?” Joe asked.  Matt hesitated for a moment.

“I, um… I wanted to say thank you.  For everything on the cattle drive, you know?  If you didn’t go after me I might’ve fallen,” he said, glancing up.  Joe nodded, giving Broch a pat.

“You’re welcome,” he replied.  There was a long silence, and Joe said, “I better get him back to his stall.  It’s almost dinner time.” He turned and started toward the barn.

“Joe?” Matt called.  He turned partially.

“Yeah?”

“I’m… sorry.  About all the shit before.” The younger boy let out a sigh and said, “I can be a real asshole.” Joe grinned.

“Me too,” he replied, continuing toward the barn.

Joe walked into Pam’s office on Friday afternoon.  She was standing in the corner looking at a book, but glanced up at the sound of his entering.

“Oh, Joe, you’re here,” she said, closing the book and putting it back on the shelf.  She sat down in her chair and let out a breath.

“It’s been a busy day for me!” she exclaimed with a grin.  Joe smiled too and waited for her to continue.  “So tell me about the cattle drive.  How did your first time out go?” she asked finally.

“It was ok… lots of work, but lots of fun too,” he said.  She nodded.

“I remember the days when I had the time to go… such a good time in between all that hard work.  We’ll be branding the calves soon too, so it will be another new thing for you to learn.  The first year here is always filled with lots of learning about how the ranch runs in between all the work you’re doing on yourself.” Joe gave a slow nod.

“It was fun,” he said again.

“I heard that there was some pretty big excitement on this trip,” she said thoughtfully.  He shrugged.

“I guess so,” he muttered.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“It started to rain, real hard.  There was thunder and lightning too… so we were all hurrying to get up and on horses to start the cows down to the lower pasture.  Me, Craig, and Matt were all on the left flank and lightning hit a tree right near us.  Matt’s horse freaked out and took off… I was the closest to him so I went after him,” he explained.

“That was pretty brave of you,” she observed.  He gave another shrug and glanced away from her.

“Not really.  It didn’t seem like it was very dangerous.  I just thought I’d catch up with him and then help him get stopped.”

“It didn’t happen quite like that did it?” she inquired.  He shook his head.

“No.  He fell off… I found him hanging over the river.  So I reached down and pulled him up.  It wasn’t really a big deal,” he said.  She raised her eyebrows.

“Wasn’t a big deal?  Joe you saved someone’s life.  I think that’s a pretty big deal,” she said.  He smiled a little.

“Well it’s not like I could leave him hanging there could I?  Or let him fall… I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not?  I know that you and Matt have had a lot of conflict since you got here.”

“That doesn’t mean he deserves to die.  I mean… he was hanging right over the river and we were pretty high up.  If I hadn’t helped him, he would have fallen.”

“So saving his life was more important than all the negative stuff that’s happened between you?” she questioned.  Joe nodded and looked at her seriously.

“Of course.”

“Have you and Matt talked at all since this all happened?” He looked away for a moment and shrugged.

“Yeah, kind of.”

“What do you mean?”

“He came up to me the night we got back… I was outside with Broch and he came up and said thank you for what I did.  And he…” Joe trailed off.

“What else did he say?” she prompted.

“He apologized,” he muttered.

“Apologized for what?”

“All those times before when we had problems.”

“That was pretty nice of him,” she said.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“You sound a little skeptical.”

“Well, there’s no way to know if he really meant it,” Joe said.  She nodded slowly, leaning her chin on her palm.

“Are you willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, at least for the time being?” she asked.  Joe looked at her and then shrugged.

“I guess so.  I mean… it couldn’t hurt.” She smiled a bit.

“No, it couldn’t.  Did Broch miss you while you were gone?” A smile lit his face.

“Yeah, I think so.  I haven’t had much chance to spend time with him since we got back… was catching up on some chores outside.  I hope this weekend I’ll be able to take him on some longer walks and stuff.  Mark thinks it’d be good for him.”

“That sounds like a good idea.  He used to be a pretty amazing horse… great jumper, beautiful mover.  Maybe some day someone can ride him again,” she murmured.  She watched as Joe looked thoughtful, and then shook his head as if to clear it.

“That’d be pretty cool,” he said finally.  She smiled.

“Why don’t you go get some rest.  I’ll see you on Monday,” she said.  He nodded.

“Thanks.  I’ll see you later Pam,” he replied, standing and walking out.

Beth met Joe Sunday evening in the barn.  He started toward Scout’s stall, but she held up her hand.

“Joe hang on a second.  I wanted to talk to you about something before we started tonight,” she said.  He stopped and looked at her.

“Something wrong?” he asked.

“No, not at all.  I was doing some thinking… and then Mark and I were talking too.  He’s been telling me how good Broch is looking, and we wondered if you’d like to help us train him to be ridden again.” Joe looked at her as if she’d grown a second head.

“Are you kidding me?” he demanded.

“Nope.  You’re a good rider Joe, and Broch trusts you.  I think he’d actually like to be ridden again… he used to love jumping so much.”

“But I’m not really ready to jump big fences or anything… we’re just doing ground poles,” he argued.

“I know kiddo.  It’s going to take him months to get back into shape… just to get used to having a rider on him again.  It’ll take lots of patience and lots of work.  It’ll take someone who’s willing to get tossed off a bit.  He’ll be difficult at first, and to start we’ll just have him on the longe line.”

“Can I do that?  I mean, I’ve never done that before,” he murmured.

“I can teach you.  It’s not very hard, and Broch knows what he’s doing.  He likely spent lots and lots of time on the longe line when he was younger.”

“How old is he?”

“Twelve I think.  Still young enough to be doing some good work over fences.  If you don’t want to try, I understand.  He can be a handful, and this is going to be very challenging.  You’ll probably end up on your butt a lot once we start riding him.” Joe thought for a long moment.

“Would I still get to ride Scout and Brutal?  I mean, if I’m working with him Sunday nights and that’s when I usual ride English…” he trailed off with a frown.

“We’ll work something out.  Not too many of the guys take advantage of the English lessons.  You’re my only one that’s stuck with it so far I think.  So we can work out a time to ride and get ready to take some fences.  Riding Scout will help prepare you to ride Broch.”

“OK.  Then let’s do it,” Joe said with a smile.  Beth grinned too.

“Why don’t we start tomorrow night with him?  Tonight we’ll just do some riding… save the excitement for one more day.” He laughed and went to the tack room to get Scout’s tack and grooming stuff.  As he walked back he stopped at Broch’s stall.

“Get ready big guy,” he said with a smile.

Beth was waiting at Brutal’s stall the next evening when he arrived to start working with Broch.  He gave her a confused glance.

“I thought we were working with Broch tonight,” he said.  She grinned.

“We are.  I wanted to show you how to tack up with longing tack first… figured that beast Broch wouldn’t let me help too much right off.” He nodded and went into Brutal’s stall.

“You’re probably right.” He watched as she went through the tacking up process, then did it once himself.  “Am I ready?” he asked.  She nodded and patted his shoulder.

“Absolutely.  Mark’s going to come down and observe this time, just to make sure Broch doesn’t freak too bad.  I don’t think he will though; Mark told me that he stood quiet while he clipped him… this is nothing.” He laughed and walked to Broch’s stall.  There was already a saddle and bridle there waiting for him.  He went into the stall and put the big horse in cross ties.  Broch stood quietly as Joe groomed him.

“Alright big guy, let’s give this a try,” he said, carrying the saddle in.  He put it on Broch’s back and then reached under for the girth.

“Go slow tightening Joe,” Mark said from in the aisle.

“Gotcha,” he replied.  He tightened slowly, and Broch continued to stand quietly.  When he was done Joe gave him a pat.  “That’s a good boy,” he murmured.  When he came out into the aisle Beth handed him a pair of gloves.

“Put these on and I’ll meet you guys in the ring.  He seems like he’s going to be ok with at least this part,” she said with a smile.  Joe nodded and put the gloves on before picking up the bridle and going back into the stall.  He undid the cross ties and slowly slipped the bit into Broch’s mouth.  The big animal tossed his head, but stood quietly as Joe did all the buckles.  When the bridle was on he slipped a longing halter over it and secured all the buckles.  With a smile Joe looked at Mark.

“You two ready?” Mark asked.  Joe nodded and gave Broch another pat.

“Yup.  Let’s go, he’s all set,” he replied.  They walked down the aisle and into the arena and Joe picked up a longe line from the wall.  He slipped it through the longing halter and then secured the reins by tying them back.  He glanced at Beth.

“All set?” she asked.  He nodded and gave an uncertain smile.

“We’re as ready as we’re going to get,” he answered.  Everyone laughed and Broch looked around, pricking his ears forward.  “What do I do now?” he asked.

“Just let the longe line out slowly.  He’ll move around you in a circle… trust me,” Beth said.  Joe went to the center of the ring and began to let the line out.  “Ask him to walk on,” she said.

“Walk on Broch!” Joe called.  He watched in amazement as the big horse moved out on a medium sized circle around him.  After several times around he glanced at Beth and Mark.

“You could ask him to trot now,” Beth said.  He nodded and looked back at the horse moving around him.

“Trot Broch!” he said.  The horse tossed his head and then broke into a flowing trot.  “Good boy!” Suddenly several other guys came running into the arena, yelling and joking around.  Broch stopped in his tracks, rearing up and letting out a loud whinny.  He backed up quickly, pulling Joe along.  “Easy Broch, easy!” he called, quickly going toward the horse as he rolled the longe line up.

“Be careful Joe!” Beth yelled from the rail, knowing she wouldn’t be able to help much.  Joe followed as Broch kept backing and rearing.

“You’re ok, I’m here with you,” he repeated, over and over.  Broch slowly stopped his rearing and backing, until he stood panting by the far wall.  Joe reached his side and he placed a hand on his shoulder.  “That was pretty ridiculous,” he said, smiling as Broch bent his head down in search of a good scratch behind the ears.  “Come on, we’re going to finish up.  You can do it,” he reassured, giving him a strong pat on the shoulder and leading him back to the center.

“Maybe that’s good for today Joe,” Mark said.  Joe glanced at them and smiled.

“He’s alright.  We’re going to finish this,” he said, letting the longe line back out.  Broch moved back out onto a circle and Joe called, “Trot Broch.” The big horse picked it up and moved around the circle calmly.  Beth and Mark exchanged a glance.

“This could work,” she murmured.  Mark nodded and they turned back to watch as Broch moved around Joe at an easy canter.

Pam was in her office the following afternoon, sitting at her desk and reading a magazine.  Joe sat down across from her and said, “Hey.”
“Hello Joe.  I heard you had an eventful weekend,” she said.  A big smile spread across his face.

“Yeah.  Beth and Mark asked if I’d start working with Broch… try to work up to riding him again.  I was pretty scared when Beth first mentioned it, but she told me it’ll be awhile before he’s ready for a rider.  So we’re working on the longe line to start out.”

“That’s fantastic.  How did his first day out go?” she questioned.  Joe gave a shrug.

“Pretty good.  He freaked out once when a couple guys came running into the arena, but that was the only problem.  I think he remembered a lot, so that helped.  Beth thinks I did a real good job.  Mark does too.”

“Great!  It sounds like you’ll have a lot of fun with that… and you’ll learn a lot too.  I’m glad Broch has you around Joe.  You’re doing a lot of good things for him.”

“I’m glad he’s here too,” Joe said with another smile.

“I heard that you had a pretty interesting conversation while you were out on the cattle drive.” Joe gave her a confused look.

“What do you mean?” he inquired.

“Well, Craig told me that he was a little worried about some things that were said the first night out.  He told me he wasn’t sure if you were upset by what happened, but he didn’t want to bring it up again because he could tell that you were upset that night.” Joe shrugged, thinking back to the conversation that night at the camp fire.

“It wasn’t a big deal.  He should’ve asked me… I would have told him it wasn’t that big a thing.”

“What did you guys talk about?” she asked, looking at him seriously.  He hesitated.

“Umm… he asked about my parents,” he replied finally.  Pam nodded, looking at him thoughtfully.

“What did he ask?”

“We were talking about college and what our parents wanted, so I said I didn’t know what they wanted… my parents I mean.  I reminded him that I grew up with my grandmother, but that just made him ask where my folks were.  So I told them that they died.”

“Wow.  What did he say about that?” Joe looked away for a long moment.

“He asked how they died,” he muttered, still not looking at her.

“What did you say?” she asked.  He looked at her then, and his eyes were dark and hooded to hide his emotions.

“I told him they died in an accident,” he said softly.  Pam nodded slowly, leaning forward and looking at him seriously.

“Weren’t ready to get into the details yet?” she asked, her voice quiet.  He gave a half hearted shrug, but said nothing.  “Do you remember what happened or were you too young?” She saw him swallow hard.

“I remember,” he said after several moments of silence.  Pam let the silence hang, waiting for him to continue.  He looked at her and he could tell that this was something he was going to need to talk about.  He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “I was asleep when it started… but they were yelling like usual so I woke up,” he began.  She nodded.

“So fighting was pretty typical?”

“Yeah.  He used to yell at her all the time, for everything and anything.  She wouldn’t argue, but it didn’t really matter.  If he felt like she’d done something wrong then he’d yell and usually it’s come down to him hitting her because she had done something so unforgivable.”

“It must have been really hard for you to see that,” she said.  Joe shrugged again.

“I don’t think I really knew any better.  That’s what happened in my house, so I figured that’s what happened at everybody’s house.  I didn’t know it was strange until I got older.”

“So that night they were fighting again?” she prompted.  Joe nodded slowly, leaning back in his chair.  His eyes glazed over a little as the memories came flooding back.

“I grabbed my teddy bear and got out of bed… sometimes if I walked in on a fight it wouldn’t get too bad.  My dad didn’t like me to see them fight.  So I walked downstairs and stood in the doorway.  Dad was yelling at her and she was backed up against a wall.  She was asking him to go up to bed with her and she told him that he’d wake me up… saying that he didn’t want me to see them like that.  So he got even more upset.  He was waving his one hand around, and I could see there was something in it.  I couldn’t tell what just then.  He said that I would never see them like that, and that she would never leave him.  Then he lifted up his hand, and I saw that he was holding his gun.  Then I heard a bang… such a loud bang.  Mom fell down then, and I screamed.  I didn’t mean to, and I don’t think I really knew I did it.  Dad turned around and he was covered in blood.  He told me to go back to bed.  Then he turned back around… and there was another bang.  He fell down too.” There was a lengthy pause.

“You were six?” she murmured.  He nodded, glancing away.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“That must have been a very difficult time for you,” she said.  He gave a shrug.

“I don’t remember it being that difficult.  I just knew they weren’t around anymore… it too me awhile to figure out they were gone forever.  By the time I did, it’d already been a real long time.”

“Did you ever talk about what happened with anyone else before now?”

“I went to a couple kid shrinks when I was little.  My grandmother saw that I was angry a lot, so she took me to try and get me to feel happy.”

“Didn’t work out?” He shook his head.

“Nope.  I just blew them off.”

“What made you do that?” she asked.

“I don’t know.  I didn’t want to talk about that shit… I really just hated everyone.  I didn’t trust any of those doctors.  It always seemed like they weren’t really interested in what I had to say about anything.  So I just didn’t really talk.”

“Is it easier to trust people now being here than it was then?”

“I guess so.  I mean, I talk here don’t I?” She smiled.

“Yes you do.  What do you think makes here different from any of the other doctors you saw?” she asked.  Joe shook his head and thought for a minute.

“I don’t know.  I think you guys let me talk about what I wanted to talk about to start with.  I didn’t feel like all you wanted was my deepest darkest secrets.  You usually accept whatever I say, no matter what it is.”

“Was it harder then, do you think, because what happened was so fresh?  Or because you didn’t know yet how to process those feelings other than being angry?”

“It could’ve been,” he said after a long pause.  She nodded.

“Alright.  That’s about all we have time for today, but thank you for your honesty and your willingness to talk about this.  I’d like to talk some more about it the next time we see each other.”

“OK.” He stood and started for the door.  Should I tell Craig not to worry about what happened?  I don’t want him to think I’m mad at him or anything.” Pam smiled.

“I think you should tell him whatever you want to tell him.  If you want to just let things rest at this point, do that.  If you want to give him a bit of reassurance, then you should do that.” He nodded.

“OK.  Thanks Pam,” he said as he left.

Joe woke in a cold sweat two nights later.  He looked around the dark room and then at his clock.  The numbers read three forty seven.  He sighed softly; he hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since his last conversation with Pam.  He got up quietly, slipping his sneakers on and going outside.  It was still fairly warm out, despite the fact that it was early November.  He went to the barn and to Broch’s stall, going in and sitting down in the bedding.  The big horse nickered and came over, putting his head down.  Joe rubbed his forehead and let out a long sigh.

“Talking about this shit really sucks,” he muttered, closing his eyes for a long moment.  “You’re lucky… you can just act angry and people leave you alone.  I act angry and people want to talk about what makes me angry… all the shit in the past that I don’t want to remember.  Why can’t people just let me forget it?” He was silent for a long moment.  “Jesus why can’t I forget?” he muttered, letting his head hit the stall wall.  Broch simply stood with his head down, nose resting against Joe’s knee.  He said nothing, but stood by his friend in silent support.

Beth watched as Joe rode Scout around the arena the following night.  The boy was in his two-point, letting his weight sink into his heels as they cantered around the ring.

“Alright, you can come back into your regular seat and move forward to walk!” she called.  Joe came out of his two-point and made the downward transition to walk.  “That looked great.  I’ve set up two cross-rails tonight on the long sides of the ring.  On the short sides there are three ground poles each.  Trot over everything.  If he gets too forward, just sit up tall and hold him with your upper body.” He nodded and asked Scout for a trot.  They went over the first sent of ground poles and Beth nodded as he held Scout at a nice working trot.  They popped over the first cross rail and Joe made Scout come back down to a trot when he landed in canter.  “Nice!” she said.  They went over the next set of ground poles and then the next cross rail.  They went around three times before she said, “Alright, come on into the center!” Joe did as she said, a smile on his face.

“How was that?” he asked.  She smiled up at him.

“It looked fantastic.  I’m going to move the jumps up to about a foot and a half.  I’ll take the ground poles out of the equation, so you’ll just be able to concentrate on good form over the fences,” she said.  He nodded and watched as she moved the cavaletties and then raised each jump to a straight rail.  He gave Scout a pat on the shoulder.

“So do you want it still at a trot?” he asked.

“You can canter on landing until you reach the top of the turn.  Then I want you to come back to trot before you take the next fence.  If he doesn’t drop back down, do a small circle until he does come back to a trot.  Then take the next fence and repeat.  We’ll do that a couple times and see how it goes.” He nodded.

“OK.” He moved back out to the big circle and asked Scout to pick up a trot.  Once the gait was steady and moving out, he aimed toward the first fence.  They popped over it and on landing Scout broke into a smooth canter.  Joe came up straight and eased the big horse back down to a trot before the next fence.  They went over it with ease and then moved back around to the first fence.  The repeated this several times, and Joe’s smile grew with each fence.

“Alright, pull up!” Beth called.  He nodded and eased Scout to a trot and then a walk.

“Are we done?”

“Nope.  I want to try one more thing.  I want you to take both jumps at a canter.  Keep it light and easy.  If it starts to feel out of control, make a circle and come at the jumps again.” He nodded slowly.  “I want you to get your canter nice and collected before you start the jumps,” she added.

“OK.  Come on Scout, let’s go,” he murmured.  He moved on to the big circle again and at the first corner picked up a canter.  He waited until Scout had settled into the gait and then turned toward the first jump.  They soared over it and Joe grinned as they moved around toward the second fence.  They cleared that one too.

“Let’s call it a day Joe!” she called.  He pulled up and let the big horse walk on a loose rein to cool down.  “So what’d you think?” she asked.

“That was great,” he said with a grin.  Beth smiled too.

“You did a great job.  We can start working on some small courses soon.  I’m really impressed with how well you’re doing at this Joe.  You should be proud of yourself.” He shrugged.

“Thanks.  I like jumping a lot.  It’s a lot more fun than regular flat work,” he said.  She laughed.

“I’ve always liked jumping a lot more than the flat work myself,” she said.  He let Scout walk for several more minutes.  “You could probably hop off now and just hand walk him.  He’d like that,” she said.  Joe nodded and dismounted.  He ran his stirrups up the leathers and loosened the girth.

“I’ll cool him out and put him away,” he said.  Beth nodded and patted his shoulder.

“Alright.  Nice job tonight Joe.  Get some rest tonight.  You look beat,” she said, walking out of the arena.  He gave Scout a pat.

“I wish I could get some sleep,” he muttered.

Craig was leading horses outside the next morning when Joe arrived at the barn.  He shot a glance at him.

“Nice of you to join me,” he said.  Joe sighed.

“I’m really sorry… I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and this morning I just slept through the alarm.  I won’t let it happen again, and I’ll work through lunch to make up for it.  I’ll even tell Mark that I flaked out,” he said, going into a stall and putting a halter on the horse inside.  Craig stopped at the stall door.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” he asked.  Joe shook his head.

“Bad dreams,” he said, leading the palomino mare out into the early morning sunshine.  When they were done turning horses out Joe started to clean out the first stall in the aisle.  Craig stopped at the door and leaned against it.

“So what’s going on?” he asked.  Joe glanced up as he tossed a shovel full of soiled bedding into his wheelbarrow.

“What do you mean?” he replied.

“I mean why are you having bad dreams and stuff?  I didn’t know you had problems with that.” Joe shrugged.

“I don’t usually.”

“So what brought it up?” Craig questioned.

“Don’t know,” Joe muttered.

“That’s bullshit man.  You don’t just start having nightmares for no reason.  Everyone can tell that you’re exhausted.  What gives.” Joe pushed the pitchfork forward and out of his hand.  It clattered against the wall.

“Has anyone told you recently that you’re not a fucking counselor?” Joe demanded.  Craig frowned.

“I know that I’m not.  I was just trying…”

“I know what you were trying to do man.  You don’t need to know every fucking thing that’s going on in my head.  You need to learn when to back the fuck off,” he said, picking up the pitchfork, laying it across the wheelbarrow, and pushing it out and past Craig.

“What the hell is your problem Joe?” he called.

“You are,” Joe returned.  “I already have enough god damn shrinks inside my head.  I don’t need you fucking around and trying to figure me out too,” he said, stalking off.  Craig sighed, turning and walking in the opposite direction.

Pam glanced up as Joe came into the office.  He plopped down in his usual chair, but said nothing.

“Something wrong?” she asked.  He shrugged and shook his head.

“Why would you think something’s wrong?” he muttered.  She took her glasses off and leaned back in her chair.

“Oh, I don’t know.  This is the first time in… a very long time that you’ve come in here and not said hello to me.  You weren’t smiling.  You seem as if you’re upset about something.  But if you’d rather not talk about it…” she trailed off with a shrug.

“Well there’s nothing to talk about,” he replied.  She nodded and sat quietly for a moment.  Joe looked up and said, “I just think this whole place is bullshit.”

“Bullshit?” she asked.

“Yes.  I’ve got you talking to me about shit that I don’t even want to remember.  So then I talk about it and can’t sleep.  I have Mark talking to me about shit I don’t want to… so then all I do is think all day every fucking day.  And then there’s Craig…” he trailed off with a shake of his head.

“What about Craig?”

“Did anyone think of telling him he’s not a god damn psychologist?  You might want to think about doing that some time before he tries playing shrink to more of the guys here.  That’s really fucked up.” Pam leaned forward, chin on her hands.

“What makes you think that Craig believes he’s a counselor here?” she inquired.  He looked at her seriously, his eyes angry.

“Because, he’s always trying to get me to tell him what’s going on in my head.  He always wants to know what the hell is going on with me and why I act like I do and what I’m feeling.  It’s like sitting here with you or with Mark every god damn day.  He shouldn’t act like that.”

“So you think that Craig acts like a counselor when he relates with you?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Have you had many friends in your life Joe?” she asked after a moment.  He looked up at her.

“Not really, why?”

“I’m just wondering what you think makes a friend,” she said.

“Weren’t we talking about how screwed up Craig is?” he muttered.  She nodded.

“Yes.  Humor me for a minute.”

“So what do I think makes a friend?” he asked.  She nodded again and watched as he leaned back in his chair and began to think.  “I guess a friend is someone who likes the things you do, or at least some of the things.  They like to hang out and have fun.  I think a friend is someone who listens, and doesn’t stop being your friend just because you do stupid shit or because you aren’t always easy to get along with.  I think a friend listens and cares about you… shit like that.”

“That’s a pretty good description of a friend.  I have one more question.”

“OK.”

“How is what you described just now any different than what Craig is trying to be?” He frowned a little.

“It just… it is different,” he muttered.

“I know you said that.  I’m just asking if you could explain to me how.  I want to try and understand this.” He sighed and shook his head, falling back into a silence.  “Is it possible that Craig was just trying to be a good friend to you?” He shook his head slowly.  “No?  How many friends have you had in your life Joe?  I mean real friends… the kind you described just a minute ago.  Have you had many friends like that?”

“No,” he muttered.

“Have you had one friend that you would consider to fit most or even some of the qualities you listed off?” He shook his head again.  “Is it possible that you confused Craig’s attempt to show that he cared with him trying to counsel you?” She saw him swallow, and when he looked up there were tears in his eyes.

“I don’t know,” he said.  He looked down and then back up at her again.  “I don’t know,” he repeated.

“Do you think there’s a way you can find out?” she inquired.

“I don’t know,” he said again.

“Well what are some ways you could try to find out?” she pushed.

“Umm… I guess I could talk to him about it,” he muttered.  She smiled a little and nodded slowly.

“That’s probably the best way to do it,” she agreed.

“He won’t want to talk to me,” he said.

“What was it you said about friends?  That they don’t stop being your friend because you do stupid things or because you’re not always easy to get along with?” He nodded and smiled a little.  “Do you think Craig is a friend?”

“Yeah… probably.”

“Then I think you should talk to him.”

“What if he’s angry and just doesn’t want to?” he murmured.  Pam shrugged and shook her head.

“Then you say what you need to say and then give him the space he needs to work through it.  Friendship is sometimes a difficult thing, and it’s about give and take.  Craig has a good head on his shoulders though, and I think he’ll come around.”

“Really?” he asked.  She nodded and smiled a little.

“Really.” Joe nodded and let out a breath it seemed he’d been holding.  He glanced at his watch and looked up at her.

“I need to get down to the barn.  We’re working with Broch tonight,” he said.  Pam nodded.

“Alright.  I’ll see you Monday Joe.  Have a good weekend.” He nodded and left the office, thinking of how he’d talk to Craig when he saw him.

Beth and Mark stood by the rail in the arena, watching as Joe longed Broch.  They had already worked in one direction, and Joe had just switched the longe line to the other side and Broch was moving back out on the circle.

“Walk on big guy!” he called.  After several minutes he called for a trot and Broch broke into the gait with ease.  Craig walked into the arena and stood between Beth and Mark.

“He looks good,” he said.  Mark nodded slowly.

“Yes, he does.  Joe’s doing great with him.” Craig nodded, but said nothing.

“We’re gonna’ go slow with things.  We could probably try to hop on him anytime now, but I want to get him feeling really secure.  I also want to get him in better shape.  Joe needs to be a bit surer of his abilities in the saddle too,” Beth added.

“He’ll get there,” Craig murmured.  They all turned back to the ring and watched as Broch cantered around Joe.

“Hey Joe?” Beth called.  He glanced at her over his shoulder so she said, “I’m going to come in and put come poles down for him to work over.  Ease him up and have him come to the center!” she said.  He nodded.

“Easy Broch!  Walk!” he called.  The horse dropped back down through his paces and Joe went to his head.  “Alright, come on it,” he said.  Beth walked into the ring and set poles on the ground, four of them, one on each side of the circle.  It made what looked like a wheel with spokes.

“Just see how he handles these,” she said with a smile.  Joe nodded and let the longe line out again.  Broch stopped at the first ground pole and looked down at it skeptically.

“Walk on Broch,” Joe said sternly.  With a toss of his head, Broch went over the pole.  After a couple times around the ring at a walk Joe called, “Trot Broch!” He began haltingly, hesitating at every pole.  After he got the feel for things his gait smoothed out and he moved over the poles with ease.  Joe looked over his shoulder and smiled at them.  When the horse had gone over the poles several times he called for a halt.  He went to Broch’s side and patted his shoulder.  “Good boy.  Let’s get you put up for the night,” he said.  He unclipped the longe line and flipped the reins back over Broch’s head to lead him back to his stall.

“He’s coming along nicely,” Mark said with a smile.  Joe nodded and smiled up at the horse.

“Don’t say that too loud, it’ll go to his head,” he said, leading him back into the barn.  Craig glanced at them.

“I’m gonna’ take off.  I’ll see you guys later,” he muttered, walking off.  When both boys were gone, Beth and Mark exchanged a glance.

“Do you know what’s going on there?” she asked.  Mark shook his head.

“No clue.  I’m sure they’ll work it out.  They’ve been pretty good friends almost since Joe’s first day here.  Craig will help Joe work through whatever is going on… they’ll help each other.” Beth nodded and followed him out of the ring.

Joe was still in Broch’s stall when Craig came by and tossed two flakes of hay in.  Joe took a deep breath and said, “Hey.” Craig looked at him briefly.

“Hey,” he muttered.

“Listen, I’m sorry about the other day,” Joe said, his voice quiet.

“Forget it,” Craig said, starting to move on.  Joe came out of the stall.

“Craig wait a second,” he said.  The older boy turned around, a frown on his face.

“I said forget it Joe.  It’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah it is.  I said a lot of shit that I really shouldn’t have.  I’ve never really had friends before… so I’m not real used to having anyone care about me or what I’m thinking or feeling.  I don’t really know how to handle that, other than to be an asshole.” Craig nodded.

“Alright,” he said, turning and continuing to walk.  Joe sighed and went back into Broch’s stall.

“So now I guess I just let him be for awhile right?” he murmured, picking up a brush and starting to groom the big horse.  Broch tossed his head and then nudged his shoulder hard.  Joe grinned.  “Yeah, I guess that’s what you do.” He groomed in silence for several minutes.  When he was done he gave Broch a sturdy pat on the shoulder and said, “You were a good boy today.  We’ll work some more tomorrow.” He picked up the grooming box, saddle, and bridle, and carried it down to the tack room.  After the tack was clean and put away he walked slowly back to his bunkhouse.

That weekend was a relaxed one on the farm.  People occupied their time equally between doing homework for their classes and relaxing.  Joe spent all day Saturday working with Broch, first on the longe line.  Beth wasn’t there and neither was Mark, but he had faith that the big horse would behave himself.  After they had worked for an hour Joe gave him a bath and then took him outside.  They walked down a path and through a wooded area, moving up onto a hill near the farm that was full of fairly tall grass.  Joe let the horse graze freely as his own mind wandered.  It had only been a day, but Craig still hadn’t said anything to him.

“I really messed things up didn’t I Broch?” he muttered.  The horse tossed his head before going back to eating the grass.  They walked several more feet and Broch put his head down to graze again.  Before Joe knew what was happening the horse squealed and reared up, lifting him off the ground.  When they landed Broch tried to back up, but he held on to the lead shank tightly.  “Easy!  Easy Broch,” he said.  Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his right leg.  “Jesus what the fuck was that?” he muttered, looking down.  A large snake was coiled up in the grass, its tail rattling back and forth.  Joe frowned, backing up as quickly as possible with Broch.  His leg was throbbing, and when he looked down he could see two puncture wounds in his jeans, complete with red stains.  When he looked at Broch he frowned; the big horse’s nose was bleeding.  “Jesus.  Come on Broch let’s go.” He started limping down the hill, grimacing at the throbbing pain in his leg.  He began to sweat, even though he was shivering.  They made it only a few feet down the hill when he doubled over and threw up.  He drew in several deep breaths, trying to stop the feeling of sickness spreading through his stomach.  Broch let out a low whinny and nudged Joe’s shoulder.  He looked up at him.  “I can’t walk any more big guy.  You’re gonna’ have to trust me,” he whispered.  He limped closer to a large stump and climbed up, pushing himself onto Broch’s back.  Somehow the big horse seemed to understand, even as Joe slumped forward across his neck.  He moved back down the path and to the stable yard.  People were walking around, but it was Mark who noticed the big black horse standing there, head hanging, rider on his back.

“Joe?” he murmured, jogging toward them.  When Broch didn’t move, Mark broke into a run.  “Joe?” he yelled.

Joe opened his eyes slowly, looking around groggily.  Everything around him was white.  When he tried to sit up, he groaned at the pain in his stomach and chest.

“Better take it easy,” a voice said.  Joe lay back down, but felt the head of his bed begin to rise.  When it was at a slight angle, he was able to see around the room.  He was clearly in the hospital, and was hooked up to IVs and two machines.  There was an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.  Mark was sitting beside his bed, and gave him a smile.  “You gave us quite a scare,” he said.

“What happened?” Joe asked.  Mark glanced up as a nurse came in to check on Joe, and she smiled too.

“Good to see you awake kiddo.  How’re you feeling?”

“OK… my stomach and chest hurt,” he said.  She nodded, looking at the machines beside his bed.

“That’ll pass,” she assured him.  She stepped to the bed and put her hand on his right foot.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.  She smiled at him.

“Making sure you’re getting good circulation to your foot… and you are.  Call if you need anything,” she said.  Joe turned his head to look at Mark again.

“What happened?” he repeated.  Mark smiled.

“Best we can figure, you got yourself bit by a rattlesnake when you were out walking Broch today,” he explained.  Joe frowned as the hazy memories began to come back to him.  A memory of Broch flashed into his head, bloody muzzle and drooping eyes.  He sat up a little.

“Is Broch OK?  He got bitten too and…” Mark cut him off, putting a hand on his forearm.

“He’s going to be fine.  The vet got to him much more quickly than we got you here.  We got a little anti-venom into him and he was eating his dinner.” Joe flopped back against the pillows as relief flooded in.

“I remember seeing his nose and thinking for sure I’d gotten him killed,” he muttered, rubbing his hand over his face.  Mark smiled and patted his arm.

“He’s fine.  Don’t worry about him right now, worry about yourself.  You were pretty sick by the time we got here.  You’ll be staying over night for observation, and then after that you’ll be on crutches for a little while.  The doctor doesn’t want you putting too much weight on your leg.” Joe nodded.

“OK.” They were silent for several minutes.  “Mark?” Joe asked.

“Yeah?”

“Am I imagining things or did I ride Broch?” he murmured.

“You’re not imagining things… when I saw you, you were up on his back, lying across his neck.  At first I thought I was imagining things, but then I realized there was something wrong.  So I ran over, got you off of his back… Craig came and took care of Broch.  You would’ve been proud of that horse, he did a lot of trusting of people that he’s never really had to trust before.  Matt helped out too.”

“I can’t believe he let me ride him,” Joe muttered, closing his eyes.

“He knew you were in trouble, that you needed him.  So he helped you out,” Mark said.  Joe nodded, but was already falling asleep.

Mark drove Joe home the next morning.  They arrived after morning chores were done, and everyone was eating breakfast.  They went into the cafeteria, Joe on his crutches.  Everyone stopped eating and watched as he crutched toward the chow line.  Mark gathered his food for him and then they turned to find a table.  Craig walked up and took the tray from Mark.

“Come on man, I saved you a seat,” he said.  Joe smiled.

“Thanks,” he said.  He followed Craig to a table.  Matt was seated there, along with several of the other guys from group.  He sat at the end of the table, leaning his crutches against it.  He was given an extra chair to put his leg up on, and he began to eat.

“So what happened Joe?” Matt asked suddenly.  Joe looked up, smiled, and then shrugged.

“I don’t really remember much too clearly.  I uh, I took Broch out on a walk… up through the trees and to that grassy spot on the hill.  He was just grazing, but all of a sudden he kind of freaked out.  I tried to calm him down, but then I felt this really sharp pain in my leg.  I looked down and there was a big snake there.  So I got Broch to back up and we got part way down the hill before I started feeling really sick.  I must’ve used something to climb up on his back, because I rode him back down.  Then I went to the hospital,” he explained.  Everyone was looking at him with wide, interested eyes.

“Was it a rattler?” someone else asked.  Joe shrugged and nodded.

“I guess so.  I don’t think I understood what it was when it actually happened, but Mark told me that that’s what the doctors said it was.”

“It’s pretty far to the hospital… you must’ve been in pretty bad shape by the time they got you there,” Craig said.  Joe nodded slowly.

“Yeah.  Mark said that Broch was feeling better by the time I got to the hospital.”

“How long do you have to stay on crutches?” Matt inquired.  Joe took another bite of his hamburger.

“I think a week… something like that.  The doctor wanted me to take it easy for a couple days at least.  He doesn’t want me putting too much weight on the leg I got bit in.  I think he’s being a little too cautious… it doesn’t hurt too much.”

“That’s cool though Joe… you’ll get to skip out on chores and stuff,” yet another boy said.  Joe grinned.

“Mark already told me he has special chores for me to do.  So you can just imagine what that’ll be like.” Everyone laughed.  They ate in silence until everyone was done eating.  “I better get up to my room and change,” he said, standing carefully and grabbing his crutches.

“Need help with anything?” Craig asked.

“Not right now.  I’ll be down at the barn in a little while though,” he said.  Craig nodded and they all watched as Joe crutched away.  The younger boys started to talk again.

“Can you believe he got bit by a rattlesnake?” someone said.  Everyone else began to chatter with excitement and Craig grinned.

“I’ll see you guys later… I’ve got work to do,” he said, walking out and leaving the boys to talk excitedly.

Joe crutched into the barn after he had changed his clothes, and went directly to Broch’s stall.  The big horse was munching hay, but his head shot up when the door to the stall opened.  When he saw Joe, the big horse tossed his head and let out an excited whinny.  Joe laughed as the horse came to his side and nudged him.

“It’s good to see you too,” Joe said, reaching up and stroking his neck gently.  Broch let out another nicker.  “Thanks for carrying me back down here… I know that took a lot,” he murmured.

“You wouldn’t have believed how good he was when I had to bring him back to his stall and when the vet was here,” a voice said.  Joe turned and smiled when he saw Craig standing in the aisle outside the stall.  “I’m pretty sure he was so good because of the bite… it took a lot out of him.  But you wouldn’t have imagined he’d be so cooperative dealing with anyone else but you.”

“He knew everyone was just trying to help.  He’s pretty smart about things like that,” Joe replied, giving the horse another pat before turning to come out of the stall.  Craig slid the stall door shut and locked it, and then they both went toward the tack room.

“You’ve been doing a really good job with him… he never would’ve let anyone near him before you started spending time with him.  You should be proud of yourself.” Joe stopped at the tack room door and gave a shrug.

“I’m proud of him,” he said, going inside and leaning his crutches against the wall.  He hopped to a saddle rack and took the saddle down, going to a sawhorse and setting it down.  He pulled up a chair and plopped down.

“You should be proud of yourself too man.  Everyone has tried with him… I’ve tried.  He just didn’t take to anyone else.  I think he just knows that you’re a lot like him… that you’d never hurt him.” Joe looked up and smiled as he started to clean the saddle.

“Well he’s right.  I’ll help him figure out that nobody else here will either.” Craig grinned.

“I’m going to go put horses out.  Give a holler if you need anything.” Joe nodded.

“Alright.  Thanks man.” Craig nodded.

“Anytime,” he said as he walked out.  Joe smiled to himself as he continued to scrub the dirty saddle.

Joe spent all morning Monday finishing cleaning all the tack in the tack room.  After lunch he relaxed on the porch at his bunkhouse before crutching up to Pam’s office.  She was just unlocking the door, and smiled when she saw him.

“Boy is it good to see you,” she said as she opened the door.  Joe smiled and followed her inside, sitting down in his usual chair.

“Thanks,” he replied, setting his crutches down on the floor.

“How’re you feeling?” she asked, sitting down in her chair.  Joe gave a shrug and glanced out the window.

“Alright.  My leg is still a little sore, but other than that I’m fine.”

“How much longer do you have on the crutches?”

“Tomorrow, maybe Wednesday too.  The doctor told me I could decide based on how my leg was feeling.  Right now I still need them… walking hurts a lot.” Pam smiled.

“So, how are things with you and Craig?  I know that you were gone most of the day Saturday, and that yesterday you must’ve been busy resting.  Have you had a chance to talk to him?” Joe nodded slowly.

“I apologized to him Friday night… and he didn’t really have much to say.  That’s why I was out walking Broch like that on Saturday.  I just wanted to get away and kind of talk to him a little.  Then we both got bitten, so then I was in the hospital,” he said.

“Have you had a chance to talk to him since you got back?” she asked.  He nodded again.

“Yeah.  He came up to me when I got back… saved me a seat at lunch, and then kept me company while I was in the tack room for a little while.”

“So it sounds like things are going a bit better with him,” she said.  He smiled a little.

“Yeah.”

“How does it feel to have that situation working itself out?” she questioned.  Joe gave a shrug.

“I feel better.  I really thought that he just wouldn’t talk to me again after all the stuff I said.  So I’m… relieved I guess,” he explained.

“I’m glad that whole thing is working out.  I know that it was weighing on you a lot.” They were silent for several moments.  “I know that you were having a pretty rough time of things after our session when we talked about your parents,” she said suddenly.  Joe looked up at her and gave a shrug.

“I was just… having some nightmares.  I’m not used to talking about what happened,” he muttered.  Pam nodded.

“Are you still having them?” she asked.  Joe shook his head slowly.

“Not so much… one or two here and there now.”

“So it sounds like they’re worse closer to the time when you talk about what happened,” she said.  Joe nodded.

“Yeah.  Like I said, I’m not real used to talking about what happened.  I think that was the first time I’ve said what happened since… ever,” he said quietly.  Pam leaned back in her chair and looked out the window thoughtfully.

“What about the night it happened?  Didn’t the police ask you what happened?” she inquired.  Joe shrugged.

“I don’t really remember much after it actually happened.  I might’ve told them what happened, but I don’t remember it.” She nodded again, picking up a thick folder on her desk.  She flipped it open and started to scan the pages inside.  “What’s that?” he asked.

“Your file,” she replied, glancing up at him.  He nodded.

“Oh,” he muttered.  She looked at him for a moment and then closed the folder and held it out to him.

“Do you want to see it?” she asked.  He shrugged and made a face.

“It’s just all the shit I did wrong right?” he asked.  Pam smiled slightly and then shrugged.

“It’s your juvenile record, the information regarding what happened with your parents.  There’s all the social work reports from all the visits with your grandmother.  There are therapists’ reports here and there.  It’s you from the state’s point of view,” she explained.  He shook his head.

“I don’t need to see it,” he said.

“OK.  If you ever want to, let me know.  It’s your file and you have every right to read it,” she said.  She opened it again and read for a moment.  “According to the report you told the police what happened, more or less.  You were little, of course, so your explanation was that of a six year old.  You helped police figure out exactly what happened though,” she said.

“Couldn’t they tell what happened?” he asked.  She cocked her head to the side, and gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean?” she inquired.

“I mean… usually they can tell how things like that happened.  You know, like on those law shows and they can tell where bullets came from and who shot who.  That kind of thing.  Couldn’t they tell how it happened just by where they were in the room?” Pam nodded slowly.

“I’m sure that they could make educated findings based on things like that.  The police always like to have corroboration in cases like this though.  Although, I’m sure they would have preferred you didn’t see it.  Even the police know how difficult that must have been.” He nodded, sitting back in his chair as he grew silent.  Pam watched, sensing that he was thinking.  He was silent for a long time, and when he finally looked up at her his eyes were troubled.

“Why do you think things like that happen?” he asked.  Pam sighed a little and shook her head.

“I don’t know Joe.  I know that’s a pretty awful answer, but it’s the truth.  Nobody really knows why people lose control that way… some people say it’s due to a mental illness; others say that sometimes people just snap under the pressure of life.  But nobody really had any idea why some people go in one direction and others go in a different direction.” Joe was still frowning.

“That’s a pretty shitty answer,” he said finally.  Pam laughed.

“Yes, it is.  You told me that there was a history of abuse in your family… it’s so much more likely for an abusive home to go in this direction.  It sounds as if your father had some controlling tendencies, and that played into it.” He gave a nod, looking back down at his hands.

“I just wish…” he trailed off with a shake of his head.

“What do you wish?” she asked.  He looked up, a sad smile on his face.

“I wish I had said something sooner.  All those times before my mom told me to just keep quiet, so he wouldn’t come after me.  That night, I did what she’d said.  I stayed quiet and out of sight… until it was too late.  Maybe if I’d spoken up sooner things would’ve been different,” he said.  Pam leaned forward in her chair.

“Joe, did anything change after you’d said something?  Did your father change his mind about how he was going to finish things that night?”

“No, but…” Pam cut him off.

“I realize that you witnessed something truly awful, but you were a little boy.  You couldn’t have changed what happened that night, not in the way you think.  Maybe if you’d spoken up sooner he would have shot you too,” she said.  He nodded.

“I know.  I really wish that he hadn’t done that you know?  I wish he had just shot himself.  Then I would’ve had my Mom.”

“He did an awful thing… something that affected and changed your life completely.  You have the chance now to change your own life into whatever you want to make it.  That’s something no one can take away from you.” He looked at her and nodded slowly.

“I hope I don’t mess it up,” he said.  Pam smiled.

“Everyone hopes that about their lives, whether or not they admit to it.  You’re doing fine so far Joe, just fine.  Keep trusting yourself and working on trusting everyone around you.” He gave another nod.

“OK.” He glanced at his watch and said, “Time’s up.”

“So it is.  I’ll see you Friday,” she said.  He nodded, picking up his crutches and crutching out of the office.

The first snow of the season fell on the day before Thanksgiving.  Joe woke up and looked out the window, giving a groan.  The snow was falling heavily, and he could tell it would be a long day.  He got up and took a quick shower, then pulled on a pair of long underwear before putting on his jeans.  Eric, his roommate, was just rolling out of bed.

“It’s cold,” he muttered groggily.  Joe smiled.

“It’s snowing,” he replied.  Eric sat up and looked out the window, cursing under his breath.

“Damn snow.  We won’t see the end of this until April,” he said crankily.  Joe smiled again and pulled on a sweatshirt and then a jacket.

“Hurry up and get ready.  I’ll see you down at the barn sometime today,” he said, walking outside.  He pulled on a pair of work gloves and pushed his cowboy hat snuggly onto his head.  The wind was blowing heavily, and the snow was falling in fat, wet flakes.  He hurried to the barn, shaking himself off when he got inside.

“We need to get coats on all the horses!” Craig called as he walked by.  Joe nodded and went to Broch’s stall.  The big horse nickered and tossed his head when he saw Joe opening the stall door.  Joe grabbed the horse’s heavy winter coat off of the stall door and went in, tossing it across Broch’s back.

“Cold out there today big guy,” he said as he secured all the straps.  He gave Broch a final pat as he walked out of the stall, and then moved up the aisle.  He went into each stall, putting a coat on each horse and then moving on to the next.  It took him and Craig about half an hour, but soon all the horses were warm and cozy in their heavy winter coats.  When they finished Craig smiled at him.

“Let’s get them fed.  Then we can go get warm,” he said.  Joe nodded and they went to the feed room.  He got all the hay put into the feed wagon and started down the aisle.  He took one side of the aisle, and Craig took the other.  It didn’t take long to toss the hay into each stall, and before they knew it they were filling buckets with grain.  The wind was still howling outside, and they hurried to finish their chores.

“Do we have anything to do down here this afternoon?” Joe asked as they finished feeding.  Craig shook his head.

“We’ll come down and give them some more hay at around noon, just because they’ll be getting restless.  When the weather is like this we don’t hang out down at the barn or outside doing stuff unless it’s necessary.  Tomorrow we’ll be busier if the weather breaks, because we’ll be doing a turnout rotation in the arena with all the horses.  Half an hour, three hours at a time.  That’ll be what the winter’s like unless it’s a real nice day,” he explained.  Joe nodded, pushing the feed cart back into the feed room.  They glanced at one another and then walked outside into the blowing snow.

“Jesus, this sucks,” Joe called over the wind.  Craig nodded and they jogged the rest of the way to the cafeteria.

Mark decided to hold group that night, as the snow had let up substantially.  There was about a foot on the ground though, which was still shocking to some of the boys who weren’t used to snow.  Joe walked into group and sat down next to Craig.  Mark came in moments later, took off his coat, and sat down.  He glanced around the group and smiled.

“How about this weather?” he said.  Everyone laughed and he continued, “Weatherman says it’ll stop by eight tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and a little warmer.”

“That’ll make for a busier Thanksgiving,” Craig put in.  The rest of the group gave a collective groan.  Mark grinned.

“Won’t be too bad Craig, but that kind of brings up what I want to talk about tonight.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I wanted to spend some time talking about what we’re all thankful for,” he said.  Everyone groaned again.  “I know it seems pretty cheesy.  I think that it’s important for us to think about thankfulness and what we each have in our lives that make us feel thankful though.” No one said anything so Mark smiled as he glanced around the circle.  “Just so everyone knows, everyone in the circle will talk tonight.  So I’ll start with volunteers, but if that doesn’t work out I will volunteer you.” Several of the boys nodded, and after another minute one of the boys raised his hand.  Mark pointed to him.

“I’m thankful that we’ll be getting a lot of real good food tomorrow,” the boy said.  Mark smiled again.

“Thanks Jeff, for getting us started.  That’s all I’m looking for today… if you’ve got something simple like that share it.  It doesn’t have to be a major disclosure.  If you’ve got something more that you’re feeling especially thankful for, you know this is a safe place to do so,” Mark said.  Several more people raised their hands and Mark said, “Let’s just go around the circle, starting with Matt.” The boy was sitting next to Jeff and he made a slight face.

“I’m thankful that I haven’t gotten in trouble in a couple weeks,” he said after a brief pause.  Everyone laughed and he flashed a smile.

“Alright, next,” Mark said.  They moved around the circle, and soon were at Craig.

“I’m thankful that I’ll be leaving the program soon… I know I’m ready, and that I’ll do well in college.  I’m also thankful that I’m going to be able to come back and work with the horses when I’m done.” He smiled at Mark and then glanced at Joe.

“I’m thankful that I’m here,” Joe said, looking down at the ground.  Several people chuckled and he glanced up.  “That sounds like it’s bullshit doesn’t it?” he muttered.

“Sure does!” someone called out.  He smiled and shook his head.

“It’s not.  When I was home all I did was get in trouble, and I didn’t know how to handle all the shit coming at me.  I feel like since I got here I’ve been doing better with that.  If I was home right now I’d be in some damn foster home, because everyone in my family is dead now.  I’d be alone,” he muttered, looking back down.  When he looked back up he didn’t try to hide the tears in his eyes.  “I have some friends here, and I’ve never had that before.  Sure I’d rather be someplace where I wasn’t up at five a.m. shoveling horse shit… but right now the horse shit is better than anything I’ve got waiting for me back in Boston,” he explained.  He looked around the circle and he could see the understanding in his fellow group members’ eyes.  Mark smiled at him.

“Thank you Joe,” he said.  He looked to the next person in the circle, and they moved on.  Joe sat back in his chair, letting out a big breath.

After dinner the following evening Joe went back to the barn.  They had spent the whole day turning horses out in the arena, but now he wanted to spend some time working with Broch.  The big horse still didn’t like other horses very much, so his only time out was alone or on the longe line.  Joe got him saddled and led him down to the arena.  Craig was there, setting up some ground poles.

“Were you going to ride?” Joe asked.  Craig shook his head slowly.

“I saw you getting Broch ready, so I thought you might want some help setting up,” he explained.  Joe smiled gratefully.

“Thanks man.” He led Broch into the arena and closed the gate behind them before moving to the top half of the ring.  Craig had set up the poles in the bottom half, so he knew he could move down once the big horse was warmed up.

“Mind if I stay and watch?” Craig asked.  Joe shook his head, letting the longe line out.  Broch moved around him at an easy walk.  “He’s starting to look really good.  His muscle tone is up a lot.  It’s really cool that you’ve done all this basically by yourself.  Have you had to pick up a longe whip yet?”

“No.  He’d freak out if I brought one in… with his history we thought it’d be best to try without it.  So far we haven’t needed it, he’s been really willing,” he said.  “Trot Broch!” he called.  The horse moved around them at an easy working trot and Joe nodded.

“He looks great,” Craig said.  They moved up to a canter after several times around, and then came back to a walk.  Joe switched the longe line to the other side and they worked in the other direction for another fifteen minutes.

“Let’s move down to the ground poles,” Joe said, going to Broch’s head and leading him to the other end of the ring.  Craig walked with them, and was surprised at how near the big horse let him.

“He’s starting to trust other people I think,” he observed.  Joe patted Broch’s shoulder and smiled.

“Here and there.  I think someday he might actually be ok with the people here.  It’s just going to take awhile.  I think he still waits for people to break out the whips or start hitting him for something.” He let the longe line back out and they watched as Broch first walked, and then trotted over the poles.  They worked in both directions, and then Joe called for him to halt.

“You should try riding him,” Craig said suddenly.  Joe glanced at him incredulously.

“I don’t think he’s ready for that yet,” he replied.

“He’s got the muscle tone, he’s working through his paces really well… what makes you think he’s not ready?” Joe hesitated.

“I don’t know.  I just don’t think he’s there yet,” he replied.  Craig looked at him seriously.

“Are you scared?” Joe opened his mouth to speak, but Craig shook his head.  “I didn’t mean that in a bad way.  I’d be scared shitless to ride this horse.  You’re doing great at riding though, and you’ve ridden him once before.”

“That was when we were both infected with rattlesnake poison… I’d say there were some extenuating circumstances.” Craig laughed.

“I guess so.  I just think he’d be ok with you riding him now.  I mean, it might be a little rough the first few times up.  I think he’d eventually get the idea that you aren’t going to hurt him from up there any more than you would down here.” Joe looked at the horse and cocked his head to the side.  After a moment he looked at Craig.

“Let’s give it a try.” Craig frowned.

“What do you want me to do?” he demanded.  Joe grinned.

“Are you scared?” he kidded.  Craig rolled his eyes.

“Alright smartass, what do you want me to do,” he repeated.  Joe smiled again, letting the stirrups down and fixing them so they were long enough.

“Hold on to the longe line.  You don’t need to talk to him, I’ll do that.  Maybe it’ll help him to hear my voice… it might stop him from noticing the other person in the center holding the line.” Craig looked at him skeptically.

“Are you sure you want me to help Joe?  I mean, he knows Mark better.  It might be safer to try with him.” Joe shrugged, handing him the end of the longe line and then leading Broch several feet away with the reins.

“Just hold the longe line and keep quiet.  If he freaks out, do your best to hang on.  If I fall off, I’ll hurry over and get the line from you.  It’ll be fine,” he promised, glancing over his shoulder and flashing a grin.  Craig nodded slowly.

“OK.” He watched as Joe pulled a mounting block over and slowly climbed the steps.

“Easy Broch, just me,” he murmured as he put his left foot in the stirrup.  He slowly swung his right leg over the saddle, and was soon sitting in the saddle.  He looked down at Craig again and grinned.  “See, told ya’.  No big deal.” He picked up his reins gently and murmured, “Walk on Broch.” The horse jumped forward, went a few steps and then reared up.  Joe hung on and squeezed gently with his legs.  “Walk on big guy,” Joe said.  Broch reared up again and then bucked twice as he spun around.  Joe lost his balance and tumbled off, landing with a thud.  He hurriedly stood up and went to the end of the longe line, taking it from Craig with a smile.  “Easy Broch!” he called as the horse raced around him, bucking as he went.  The big horse slowed, tossing his head before stopping and turning to look at him.  Joe glanced at Craig, “So maybe he’s not ready yet,” he said with a grin.  Craig shook his head.

“I guess not,” he agreed.

“Walk on Broch!” Joe called, determined to end the session on a positive note.  Broch turned and walked around him in an even circle.  “Thatta’ boy,” he said.

By December twentieth, the ranch was buried under snow.  The horses were spending a lot of time indoors, and they days were shorter than ever.  Joe divided his time equally between doing his chores, going to group and individual sessions, and riding.  He did not try to ride Broch again, figuring that the horse just wasn’t ready for a rider.

“Hey Joe, come here for a second!” Mark called one evening.  Joe walked down the aisle in the barn toward Broch’s stall, and stopped outside it.  Mark was already in the stall, grooming the big horse.  He glanced up and grinned.

“I walked in and he just decided to stand there and let me get him set up,” he said.  Joe smiled and gave the big horse a pat.

“Good boy Broch!” he exclaimed.  They finished grooming and were soon leading Broch toward the arena.  Beth met them at the ring gate, and smiled at each of them.

“Are you ready to try riding him tonight Joe?” she asked as they walked by her.  He gave her a skeptical look.

“I don’t know… Craig and I tried about a month ago and it didn’t go so well,” he replied.  Beth and Mark exchanged a glance.

“You got on him without one of us here?” they demanded in one voice.  He nodded and shrugged.

“Yeah.  I didn’t think he’d care… I rode him that one time after the snake.  I figured he’d be ok with it.” Mark looked at him seriously.

“You should’ve waited for one of us to be around.  You could’ve been badly hurt Joe,” he said.  Joe nodded slowly.

“Sorry.  I didn’t think he’d get upset about it.”

“It didn’t go well?” Beth asked.  Joe grinned and patted Broch’s muscular shoulder.

“Hell no.  He bucked me off,” he said.  They all laughed, and Broch looked at them with confused eyes.

“I think we should give it another try,” Mark said.  Joe gave him another skeptical look.

“I don’t think he’s ready,” he said, clipping the longe line to the longing halter.  Mark leaned back against the wall and shrugged.

“Who’s really not ready here?” he asked.  The boy looked at him with serious eyes.

“What do you mean?” he demanded.  Mark glanced at Beth.

“I mean, maybe you’re a little afraid.  Broch’s got a pretty messy history with riders and hurting people pretty bad.  Maybe you’re not ready to ride him yet.” Joe shook his head.

“I tried already!  He didn’t want me up there,” he muttered angrily.

“Could it be that he sensed you were uncomfortable?  If you didn’t believe in it, he wasn’t going to.  Did you truly believe that it would go well or were you expecting him to toss you off?” Mark demanded.  Joe shrugged.

“I don’t know,” he said truthfully.  Beth stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder.

“You can do it Joe, and so can he.  You’re a good rider, and Broch trusts you.  He’s proven that over and over again.  Trust him… the worst that can happen is that he bucks you off again.  You have to prove to him that you think he’s worth the trouble.”

“But if he bucks me off doesn’t that just mean he’s not ready?  That we should try again later?” he asked, looking from Beth to Mark and then back again.

“Not necessarily.  Broch got real used to getting the crap beat out of him every time he acted up.  Maybe he’s just testing the waters now, to see how you’ll react when he acts up.  Maybe he needs you to prove to him that it’s safe to be afraid every now and then.”

“So I’m supposed to let him buck me off until he feels better?” he asked incredulously.  Beth grinned.

“I told you this wouldn’t be easy.  How many times has Broch been there for you when you’ve been having a difficult day?” she asked.  He smiled a little.

“Every time I’ve had a bad day Broch’s been there,” he said, giving the big horse a pat on the neck.  Broch nickered and tossed his head restlessly.

“It’s your turn.  Mark and I will be here through it all, and eventually Broch will just realize that it’s ok and you’re not going to freak out on him like everyone else,” Beth assured him.  Joe nodded.

“Alright.  Let’s give it a try,” he said.  He let his stirrups down and set them to his usual length.

“Put them to about where you’d have them if you were jumping Joe,” Beth said.  He glanced at her.

“Why?”

“Shorter stirrups might make it a bit easier to put up with his shenanigans,” she said with a grin.  He nodded and put both stirrups up a notch.  When they were set, he double checked the girth and then handed the longe line to Mark.

“Here you go,” he said.  Mark smiled and gave Broch a gentle pat.  Beth handed Joe a helmet and they watched as he put it on and fastened the clip.

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Mark said with a grin.  Joe smiled and pulled the mounting block to Broch’s left side.  “First thing I want you to do is lay across his back on your stomach, kind of supporting yourself with your arms.  I’ll walk him a few steps and see how he does.  If he starts to jump around, all you have to do is slide off,” Mark said.  Joe nodded, climbing the mounting black and laying across the saddle carefully.  “Ready?” Mark asked.

“Yup, I’m ready.” They took several jerky steps forward, and Mark laughed.

“He sure doesn’t like the feeling of weight up there,” Beth said.  Joe glanced at her and made a face.

“That’s reassuring,” he muttered.  Mark and Beth laughed.

“He’ll be fine.  He