Hang On
I keep rolling the word over and over again in my head, testing it out, seeing if I can make it real and less terrifying.
Biopsy.
How can one word hit you so hard? How can six letters, put together, form a word that so deeply terrifies?
All the logic in the world can’t make me feel better about that word. I can tell myself, repeatedly, that it is so extremely unlikely that this dreaded word will yield anything bad. All the repeating in the world can’t eliminate the word biopsy and its fear-inducing properties from my mind.
Biopsy leads to another scary word: cancer. That word won’t stop replaying in my head. I try to block it out, to stop it. I try to break out my counselor’s hat, try to think like a reality therapist would. I try to stop irrational thoughts. The word biopsy has made all thoughts seem rational. No thought is too strange or too ‘out there.’
Especially not cancer.
I have two nodules growing on my thyroid gland. This is unusual in someone so young. It is more unusual because there is nothing wrong with my thyroid, and because the thyroid gland itself is so enlarged. I have two growths that are not supposed to be there.
I feel invaded. I feel betrayed by my own body. Should I even feel this way? Am I being premature? Should I have more faith in myself?
*sigh*
I feel as if my entire foundation has been rocked. All that I felt that I could count on, even my body, has let me down.
I don’t know what to hang on to anymore.
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Fadedwords » Changing said,
January 26, 2008 @ 8:08 am
[...] place. They found nodules, and those nodules might have been cancerous. So I needed a biopsy. It was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me. First I had to wait to have it [...]
Fadedwords » Grateful said,
July 30, 2009 @ 5:52 pm
[...] I don’t think that I take a whole lot for granted; I’ve had enough scares with my own health that I truly try to appreciate that each day is a gift and that any day could be the day that changes anything. Any time I find myself not grateful for a day, I think back to when my thyroid problems were first being diagnosed. The first thing that they found led to some scary times. [...]