12- The Feeling of Falling
Cotey Mallory led Jeeves back into his stall at the track. It had been almost two weeks since they had seen or heard from Jess. Everyone was sick with worry.
“Anything yet Mr. Michaels?” she asked, seeing the man walk up. He shook his head wearily.
“No. There have been no sightings of Patrick since last Friday. After the man at the hotel said he recognized him, Patrick fell off the face of the earth.” Cotey sighed, closing her eyes for a long moment.
“I can’t believe he did this. Why couldn’t he just let all of this go?” she muttered.
“I don’t know Cotey. I just hope she’s alright.” Cotey nodded, giving his arm a squeeze before walking away wearily.
Jessica Michaels sat in a barely lit room, wet and cold. Patrick hadn’t been back for almost a week, and she was starving. She was also scared.
“God, why is this happening to me?” she whispered. She started to cry suddenly, scaring herself even more. She stood slowly and went to the door, trying to open it again; it was still locked. She closed her eyes, praying for someone to save her.
Jason walked into Cotey and Sam’s house later that evening. He found Cotey in the living room.
“Have you heard anything yet?” he asked her. She shook her head, leaning back into the couch.
“Nothing. It’s been two weeks Jason… do you know how much can happen in two weeks?” Jason sat down next to her.
“Yeah. Let’s not think about that though… we’ll drive ourselves crazy. The police are still looking aren’t they?”
“They’d better be. I just feel like this is all my fault… Sam is blaming himself. He’s wearing himself out, looking for her himself.”
“You guys shouldn’t feel that way. I’m the one who insisted that she try to trick Patrick. I feel like such an idiot!” He stood abruptly, raking his fingers through his hair. Cotey watched him for a long moment and then stood, putting her hands on his shoulders.
“There’s more than guilt going on in your head isn’t there? You like her… a lot don’t you?” Jason looked at her incredulously.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s just a kid,” he muttered.
“No she isn’t. She’s going to be twenty-two years old. She’s beautiful, caring… and you like her.”
“Listen Cotey, I like Jessi as a person, but that’s it.” She nodded slowly.
“You’re an awful liar. Go on home Jas… get some sleep. It’s been a long two weeks, and I doubt you’ve slept more than eight hours total.”
“Don’t jump to conclusions Cotey.” She smiled and followed him to the front door.
“I’m not jumping to anything. You told me everything I needed to know. I’ll call you if I hear anything.” He nodded and she watched as he walked to his car. After she had closed the door she smiled to herself; Jason had a crush on Jess.
Cotey took a deep breath as she walked into the police station several days later. They had found Patrick, but Jess wasn’t with him. She went into the room where she could hear the officers questioning Patrick. Sam was there already, looking completely worn out.
“Hey,” she said, sitting down next to him. He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss.
“He says he won’t tell anyone but you where Jess is,” he explained. She glanced at him.
“What’s the catch?” she asked. Sam sighed, knowing she wouldn’t like it any more than he did.
“You have to kiss him.” Cotey made a face.
“You expect me to kiss him? Are you out of your mind?” she demanded.
“I’m not too fond of the idea either, but it’s either this or let Jess die in some hole someplace.” Cotey sighed.
“Let’s get this over with,” she said, standing and following an officer into the interrogation room.
Jess huddled in a corner and tried to breathe normally. She could hear someone outside the door, and was scared it was Patrick again. She took a couple more deep breaths and then passed out. When the door opened and Cotey saw Jess sprawled in the corner, she screamed.
“We can’t be too late. Please don’t let us be too late!” she said. Sam went to the girl’s side and sighed with relief.
“She’s breathing,” he said. Cotey called back to the police that they’d found her. Officers ran forward with the paramedics following close behind.
Jess awoke in the hospital, groggy and hungry. She turned her head and saw her father, Cotey, and Sam standing beside the bed.
“Jessi, thank God you’re ok,” her father whispered. She smiled weakly.
“I’m sorry I worried everyone,” she said. Cotey brushed hair from the girl’s face.
“Don’t worry about that kiddo. This isn’t your fault. We’re just glad you’re ok.” Sam smiled and took Jess’s hand.
“I’m sorry my brother is such a jerk. He just doesn’t think.” The girl’s eyes glazed over briefly.
“No, he doesn’t,” she whispered. Cotey glanced at Sam and Mr. Michaels.
“Could you guys give us a minute?” she asked. They nodded and left quietly. Jess looked up at Cotey and felt her eyes fill with tears.
“I was so scared Cotey. I thought he was going to kill me.” Cotey sat down on the edge of the bed and took Jess’s hand.
“What happened?” she asked.
“He grabbed me when I was taking care of Magic. Then he drove me to that place. He fed me every once in awhile, but not too often. He was crazy… he is crazy.”
“What do you mean?” Jess began to cry.
“He raped me,” she sobbed. Cotey took a deep breath, knowing exactly what Jess was going through.
“Oh God Jess, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around the girl. Jess just cried harder, holding on to Cotey for dear life.
Cotey called Jason from her house that night. He answered on the second ring.
“Hello?” he said groggily. Cotey sighed.
“We found her Jas.” Jason was suddenly wide awake.
“Where? When? How is she? Where is she now?” he demanded. Cotey smiled, sitting down on the couch next to Sam.
“She was in this building… locked in the basement. We found her this afternoon. Right now she’s in the hospital.”
“How is she?” Cotey sighed.
“A little hungry, tired, thirsty, and scared. She had a rough time Jason.” There was a moment of silence.
“How rough?” he asked. Cotey glanced at Sam and sighed.
“She’ll have to tell you anything else. Right now I need to get to bed. I don’t think any of us has really slept since this all started.”
“OK. Thanks for calling Cotey. I’ll see you at the hospital tomorrow.”
“Yup. Bye.” She handed the phone to Sam and he hung it up. She smiled up at him and rested her head on his shoulder.
“So how did he take the news?” Sam asked. She smiled up at him.
“Exactly like I thought… he was thrilled. He likes her a lot.” Sam nodded and pulled her closer.
“He’s going to go crazy when he finds out what Patrick did to her. You think I’m mad?”
“Sam, it isn’t your fault that he took her. It’s also not your fault that he has issues.”
“It’s my fault he took a beautiful young girl, locked her in a basement, and raped her,” he muttered.
“How could you think that? Sam, you didn’t tell him to take her.”
“If I hadn’t believed him then Jessi wouldn’t have pretended to like him. Then he wouldn’t have found out she’d been lying, so he wouldn’t have taken her.”
“You can’t read into things like this. You don’t know what made him do all of this. Don’t make yourself out to be the bad guy, because you aren’t,” she said, touching the side of his face.
“Alright. Let’s go up to bed. I’m exhausted.”
“I’m going to go check on Dom and Rachy, then I’ll be right there.” She gave him a quick kiss and then jogged upstairs.
The next day Jason walked into the hospital and to Jess’s room. She had her head turned toward the window, but was wide awake.
“Hey Jess, how are you?” he asked quietly. She turned her head quickly, but smiled when she saw that it was him.
“Hi. I’m ok. How’re you?” He smiled and sat down in the chair next to the bed.
“I’m a lot better now that I know you’re ok,” he said. There was a long silence before he continued, “Listen Jess, I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I got you involved in all of this. I shouldn’t have asked you to pretend that you liked him. If I hadn’t, none of this would have happened.” She sighed.
“You couldn’t have known Jason. We both wanted to help Cotey and Sam, and I could’ve said no if I had wanted to.”
“I know. I just feel bad,” he said. She smiled a little.
“You’re hopeless,” she muttered. He watched her for a moment.
“What happened? Or don’t you want to talk about it?” he asked.
“It’s going to be in the paper, so I should just tell you. He raped me.” Jason stood angrily, pacing back and forth.
“He raped you? What the hell was he thinking, raping a kid?” he demanded. Jess sat up.
“I am not a kid! I’m almost twenty-two years old. Don’t you dare call me a kid.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you with my concern,” he muttered. Jess sighed and turned away from him.
“First you tell me I’m a kid, then you’re sarcastic. What a welcome home.” He sighed and sat down again.
“I’m sorry. It’s just so irritating that he can just… do that. Just because we didn’t find you in time. It’s so stupid!”
“Yeah, it is isn’t it? That’s what I was thinking the entire time, how stupid it was,” she muttered sarcastically. “It’s not stupid, it’s life. And if you hadn’t found me when you did I could have ended up de…” Jason cut her off.
“Don’t say that! All that matters is that you’re home, not would’ve or could’ve happened.”
“That’s not true. What matters is that everything in my world ended. Someone I’ve known almost my whole life took me, kept me locked up in a room, and raped me. That’s what matters.” Jason sighed.
“Maybe I should leave now. You should rest.” She laughed bitterly.
“You expect me to sleep? I haven’t slept since he took me, and I highly doubt I’ll be sleeping anytime soon. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be scared to sleep?” she demanded.
“No, and I’m glad I don’t. I’ll leave anyway… I put you in a bad mood.”
“No you didn’t. I’ve been in this mood for awhile… nobody knows what this is like. Nobody knows how this feels.” Jason looked at her seriously.
“Nobody? Not a single person you know?” She shook her head.
“Nobody. I’ll see you later Jason. Thanks for stopping by.” He nodded, leaning down and kissing her forehead gently.
“See you later Jess. I’ll bring you some real food later.” She smiled.
“Thanks.”
Cotey was longing Rachel over some low straight rails. The girl was already an excellent rider. Dominick was waiting at the gate, holding his pinto, Island. Jason walked up, carrying his three and a half year old daughter, Beth.
“Hey Dom, what’s up?” Jason asked. The four and a half year old shrugged and smiled shyly.
“I don’t know. Just getting ready to jump,” he said. He glanced at Beth and said, “Do you want to ride Island before I do?” Beth smiled and nodded. Jason put the little girl in the saddle.
“Can we trot Daddy?” she asked. Jason nodded and took the lead from Dominick.
“Sure, but let me lead you. Remember to keep your heals down,” he said. Beth nodded and adjusted her position. Jason walked the horse for a few minutes and then clucked his tongue. Island began to trot and Beth smiled.
“Good boy!” she exclaimed when they stopped. Rachel had just come out of the ring at a sitting trot, smiling happily. Cotey followed, smiling at Jason and Beth.
“If she wants, she can ride one of the lesson horses,” Cotey offered. Jason nodded and watched as she gave Dominick a leg into the saddle.
“Sure, but before we start can I talk to you?”
“Yeah. Let me take your lead Dom. You can work on the cavaletties on the other side of the ring. No jumping until I get back, OK?” Cotey asked. Dominick nodded and trotted into the ring. Cotey followed Jason to the barn.
“What’s up?” she asked. Jason put a hand on her shoulder, a frown on his face.
“Why didn’t you tell Jess that you were raped?” he asked. Cotey sighed, trying to shut out the bad memories that threatened to surface.
“Because I can’t Jason. That’s a painful time in my life that I would rather forget. She’ll deal with it her own way, just like I did.”
“You dealt with it because you had Sam. Jess doesn’t have anyone but her father.”
“She has you doesn’t she?” Jason shook his head and sighed.
“I can’t help her with this. She told me that nobody knew what she felt like… she’s scared Cotey. I don’t know what to do. You know, you’ve been there.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore Jason, ok? I have to work with the kids, and then I have to train myself.”
“Don’t be like this! She needs your help. You’re the only one who can help her.”
“That’s not true Jason. She’s the only one who can help her.” Jason sighed and watched as she walked away.
Jess glanced at the door uneasily as it opened a week later. It was Jason, and she smiled.
“Hey, what’s up?” she asked cheerfully. Jason shrugged and sat down.
“Not much. I heard that you’re busting out of this joint. You ready to get back in the saddle?”
“I’m always ready. First I have the trial for Patrick.”
“Do you think you’ll be ok seeing him again?” Jess glanced away.
“I’m not sure. I guess as long as he doesn’t lay his hands on me I’ll be fine,” she muttered. She sighed and added, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned that. I’m trying not to, so I can forget it… damn.” She raked her fingers through her hair.
“Listen Jess, you don’t owe me any apologies. There are certain things that you just can’t avoid. You can’t just forget it happened.” She turned angry eyes on him.
“Do what am I suppose to do? Think about it every now and then and write in my journal about what a wonderful experience it was?” she asked sarcastically. Jason sighed.
“That’s not what I meant. You can’t forget it though… that’s impossible.”
“Don’t try to tell me how hard it is Jason. You have no idea,” she said, turning away again.
Jess rode Magic to Cotey’s almost a week later. She wanted to see the twins, since they hadn’t been allowed to visit her in the hospital. Cotey was in one of the big jumping rings, riding Miami at a canter. There was a grand prix course set up. Jess watched for a moment. Cotey was doing perfectly, moving over the jumps fast and clean.
“That looked great. I hope I can do it that well at the National. That was a beautiful round,” Jess said when Cotey was finished.
“Well, Miami does love to jump now. All I have to do is let him do a little dressage when we’re done.”
“I’m going to go get Fantasy ready.” Cotey nodded and asked Miami for an extended trot.
“Go ahead, I’ll be right in!” she called. Jess led magic into the barn quietly, hoping that riding would help get her mind off of Patrick Giran.
Twenty minutes later Jess called, “What am I doing wrong?” Cotey sighed, motioning for her to come to the center of the ring.
“First of all, you were off stride. Second, you aren’t concentrating. I know you can still ride Jess… talent like that just doesn’t disappear.”
“I know. Sorry, I guess I just wasn’t thinking.” Cotey nodded disapprovingly.
“Not about riding anyway. Come on, you can take this course with your eyes shut.”
“Let’s do it with my eyes open for awhile,” Jess muttered. Cotey smiled and watched as Jess signaled Fantasy to canter. They approached the first jump and Fantasy refused. Jess managed to stay aboard, but barely.
“Jess, let’s call it a day. You aren’t thinking and you’re going to get yourself or Fantasy hurt.” Jess sighed and nodded.
“OK, sorry.” She dismounted and led Fantasy back to the barn. Ten minutes later she led Magic out, mounted, and rode off through the woods at a brisk trot.
Jason was jumping More in an exercise ring when Jess arrived at the Giran Racing Stables. He didn’t see her, so she went out to the training oval. She signaled Magic to canter, and went into a relaxed two-point. Magic hadn’t been really ridden since Jess had disappeared, so the animal loved the exercise. Jess asked the mare to gallop, and Magic was all too willing to go. They went around several times before Jason finally showed up.
“Jessica get your butt out here!” he yelled. She pulled Magic up and went to the gate. Jason was frowning, and he grabbed her reins.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“You know what’s wrong. You have to ask me before you go out onto the track and breeze a horse. A lot of things could have happened without anyone out here to see it.”
“First of all, I wasn’t breezing her. Second, I never had to ask before.” She dismounted and led Magic toward the barn.
“Before this you never rode like that! Magic could’ve tripped and pulled or broken something. You were being reckless.”
“Shut up!” she screamed. “Just shut up. I’m so sick of everyone telling me how different I am. Just shut up!” Jason sighed and pulled her into his arms. She was sobbing hard, not knowing where to go anymore.
“I’m sorry Jess… I’m so sorry,” he whispered. She shook her head, wrapping her arms around his waist. He stood with her, in the middle of the stable yard, holding her tightly, and knowing he had fallen for her.
Cotey jogged up the path leading to Jason’s house. He had called her fifteen minutes before, concerned and not knowing what to do about Jess. She walked in and found Jess asleep in Jason’s arms. He glanced up at her.
“I think it’s time you talk to Jess, because I can’t help her. You can. You know you can.” She nodded and sighed.
“I know. It’s not going to be easy. I haven’t talked about… it in a long time. Never really, except at the police station.” Jason nodded and shook Jess’s shoulder gently.
“Jess, Cotey’s here.” Jess woke up and frowned.
“Why?” she muttered groggily.
“I’ll let her explain,” he said. He got up and started to walk away, but Jess caught his hand.
“Thank you Jason,” she said. He smiled down at her. “I think we have some things to talk about too, don’t you?” she asked.
“I’m beginning to think so. I’ll be outside if you guys need me,” he said. He gave Cotey a quick hug. “Good luck C,” he said. She smiled and watched as he left, then turned to Jess.
“I need to tell you something… something that I don’t like to talk about. It’s something that’s always there though, something I can never forget. You need to understand that I’m telling you about it, not because I think you should handle things the way I did, but to tell you you can keep on living.”
“OK. What have you got to tell me?” Jess muttered.
“I was raped when I was eighteen, Jess.”
Three hours later Cotey walked out of the apartment. Jess was still sitting in the living room, thinking about all that Cotey had said. Cotey walked down to the barn and found Jason. He was wrapping More’s leg.
“Jason?” she said. He turned and smiled at her.
“What happened? Is she ok, or did I mess up again?” She shrugged.
“Neither. She’s about the same as she was when I got here, only now she’s got a lot more to think about. She has a lot to deal with Jas, and I can’t help her with it. She has too much bottled up right now for me to do anything for her.”
“What if she asks for help?” he demanded.
“I don’t know. I never really asked… people just gave it to me. If she asks, then help her. The trial is tomorrow… that might be the hardest part.”
“Alright. I’ll see you at the track Wednesday.”
“OK. Good luck Jason. She’s pretty upset right now… at everyone and everything.” He nodded and watched as she walked away.
The next day Jess rode over to Jason’s. The trial was over, and she could hardly believe the sentence. Jason opened the door and found Jess, tear stained face and dirty jeans. Her shirt was ripped, but she didn’t seem to notice.
“Jess, are you ok?” he asked, moving aside so she could come in. She walked past him silently, wiping her face.
“Two years. That’s all he got Jason. Two years. Then he gets released and can just go on with his life like nothing happened,” she said. Jason tried to hide his anger.
“That’s all? How could a judge do that? Patrick confessed.”
“I don’t know. I wish I could just say something to make him change his mind.” Jason sat down next to her on the couch.
“It sucks doesn’t it? I don’t know what to tell you anymore… I really don’t.” She turned toward him, her eyes suddenly angry.
“Why don’t you tell me how you feel? Why don’t you tell me what you’re really thinking right now? There’s something besides the whole ‘poor Jess and all she’s going through’ crap! Why don’t you tell me what you’re really thinking?” she demanded. Jason took her shoulders gently, noticing that she flinched.
“Do you really want to know?” he asked quietly. “Do you really want to get into my head and know what I think? I don’t think so. I think it would just scare the little girl that I know as Jessica Michaels.” She pulled away and brought her hand across his cheek as hard as she could. Jason watched as she got up and stalked out of the house. He thought of following her, but then shook his head. He’d blown it, and he knew it.
Jess sat on Magic. The horse was doing a collected canter. They went around the ring twice more before Jess eased the mare to a trot. They went over the cavaletties in the center of the large exercise ring, then began to canter again. Cotey had arrived and was standing at the side of the ring. Jess pulled Magic up and went over.
“Hey,” she muttered, guessing what her friend was there for. Cotey stared up at her.
“What were you thinking? Do you know how much Jason cares about you? You slapped him across the face! You must be out of your mind.”
“No I’m not! He called me a kid. Nobody knows how I am, least of all him. And if he thinks I’m such a kid, then he probably can’t like me very much anyway.”
“He said those things because he doesn’t know how to deal with what he’s feeling.”
“Well he doesn’t have to worry about dealing with it anymore,” she muttered.
“He likes you. He told me he did.”
“You know, I’m the least of Jason’s problems. His ex-girlfriend was right; Carrie might be dead, but she’s still a big part of his life.” Cotey frowned.
“You better not tell him that. You might lose all chances of being with him.”
“Somebody should tell him something, because he has no clue what he’s doing! I can’t help him, I have enough to deal with. Jason is ruining all chances he has of getting together with me.”
“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this Jess, but you’re not the only one with problems. You aren’t the only one who has things on their mind.”
“I never said I was Cotey. But don’t you start in on how you were raped twelve years ago. You dealt with it already. It’s over for you.”
“Do you think I stopped hurting two months after it happened? I deal with it every day Jessica, every single day. You don’t know what it’s like to be afraid to have your boyfriend or husband touch you. You’ll know someday though, and I pray to God that Jason isn’t the one who has to go through it with you.” Jess shook her head.
“I’m glad that you’re taking his side in all this,” she muttered. Cotey looked away. “I think you should leave now. I’m done talking to you.”
“Jess,” Cotey began.
“Please just leave.” Cotey sighed, but turned and left.
Jess took out her journal that night and wrote:
Nothing from Jason yet… but I don’t think I’ll hear from him. Maybe there wasn’t’ really anything there in the first place, but I thought there was. He’s so insecure about himself that he can’t deal with anything else. He doesn’t know what it feels like to be me. He doesn’t know what it feels like to be falling, like you won’t make it to the next day. I hope he never does…
Jess closed her diary slowly, wiping tears away. She shook her head and walked toward her door, tossing the notebook back toward that bed. Speaking of falling she thought… and the journal fell to the floor.
