18- See You in My Dreams
Jess Michaels rode to the airport with Cotey, Sam, and their six year old twins Dominick and Rachel. It was early in the morning, and they were meeting Jason and his almost five year old daughter, and then going to the Bahamas. Jess sighed and glanced at Dominick. Two weeks before he had still been in the hospital. Now he was asleep in the back of the truck beside his sister. She glanced at Cotey and Sam; they were sitting next to each other, holding hands and smiling.
“How long are we going to stay down there?” Jess asked suddenly. Cotey glanced at her and shrugged.
“We’re not sure yet. It might be a week, or it could be a month. Right now it depends on what the twins want to do.” Jess nodded and looked up. The Albany Airport was in front of them.
“That’s what I told Daddy. I’m going to miss a lot of races, but he finally agreed that it was ok.”
“Your father is such a slave driver. You deserve a break,” Sam muttered, pulling into a parking space. They all got out and walked toward the terminal, carrying all their luggage with them. Jason and Beth were just inside the building, Beth half asleep in her father’s arms. Jason glanced at Jess quickly, but she turned away.
“We’ve already checked our luggage, so you should probably do the same. We’ll wait for you in the lounge.” Jess started to follow Cotey and Sam.
“Stay here with the twins. We’ll make sure your bags get on the plane,” Cotey assured her. Jess nodded and led the kids into the waiting area. She sat down and Rachel climbed onto her lap and quickly fell back to sleep. Dominick sat next to her with his head on her shoulder.
“Are we in the Bahamas yet?” he asked. Jess shook her head and tousled his black hair.
“Nope, we’re in Albany,” she explained. He nodded slowly.
“Not much longer then?” he muttered, his eyes drooping. Jess shook her head and smiled.
“Not much longer at all,” she said. He nodded, but was already asleep. Jess glanced up and saw that Jason was looking at her. She sighed and turned away.
“Are you going to stay down there as long as Cotey and Sam do?” he asked quietly. She shrugged.
“I’m not sure yet,” she murmured, not looking up.
“Oh.” They sat in silence until their flight was called, then stood and followed Cotey and Sam toward the gate.
The weather in the Bahamas was slightly overcast, and the forecast predicted rain. Dominick, Rachel, and Beth looked around with mounting interest as they started toward the baggage claim to retrieve their luggage.
“Where’s the house Mommy?” Rachel asked excitedly, jumping up and down.
“It’s only a couple miles from here. You guys are going to love it… you can walk right to the beach from the back door.”
“That sounds really cool,” Dominick said, taking his father’s hand. Beth stood between Jess and her dad, taking each of their hands.
“Didn’t you and my Mommy use to come here?” she asked her dad.
“Yup. We use to come here all the time before you were born. In fact, we even lived here for a little while.” Beth nodded and glanced at Jess.
“Have you and Daddy ever come down here together?” she asked. Jess swallowed and shook her head.
“No. Well… I lived down here when he did, but we’ve never come down here the way he and your mom did. This is kind of our first time.”
“Why kind of? You’re here together.”
“Your mom and dad were married when they came down here,” Jess said quickly.
“Your Mommy and I were speaking when we were here,” he muttered. Jess gave him a sharp look, but didn’t retort. The group caught a cab and went toward the house.
That night Jess sat in the living room with Cotey, shaking her head.
“I can’t sleep in the same room as Jason. That’s just not a good idea right now,” she said.
“Well then you can either share one of the beds with the kids or you can sleep on the fold out couch in here,” Cotey said.
“I’ll sleep on the couch. Bethy kicks in her sleep,” she muttered.
“I know how hard this is for you Jess. You guys will learn to talk things out, just like Sam and I did.”
“That’s the exact reason I stopped being around Jason. Talking didn’t help.”
“OK. Well you can sleep out here on the pullout bed. You should be pretty comfortable.” Jess nodded and stood up.
“I’m going out for a walk,” she said, going out the front door. She walked for awhile before sitting down in the sand, leaning on her elbows. It was just starting to get dark out, the sun casting a light glow over everything. There was a noise behind her, and she turned quickly. Jason was standing there, shoes in hand.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he muttered. She shrugged, trying to look indifferent.
“It’s alright… I was just getting ready to leave anyway.” She stood up and started to walk past him but he caught her arm.
“Don’t run away from me Jess,” he pleaded.
“I’m not running away. It’s getting dark and I want to take a quick shower and then get ready for bed.”
“Is that all you do now? Sleep? That’s not very healthy.”
“I’m a big girl Jason, I can make my own decisions.” Jason sighed, putting his hands on her shoulders.
“Even if they aren’t right?”
“So it wasn’t right to try and think for myself?” she demanded angrily. He shook his head.
“No, not when it doesn’t give me any say in it. I shouldn’t have to put my entire life on hold.”
“So don’t. Get on with everything… I might take awhile.”
“I can’t just get on with my life… you are my life! I’m in love with you,” he said. She took a deep breath.
“Don’t say that right now. I’m sorry I’m doing this.” He brought a finger over her lips.
“I asked you not to say that to me, didn’t I?” he asked quietly.
“Yes, but I am. I need time to think about this, how I’m going to handle everything you throw at me.”
“I won’t throw anything else at you, not until you want me to,” he told her, his eyes pleading with her.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You won’t be able to know what’s too much until it happens, and neither will I.”
“We aren’t going to know if we don’t try either!” he exclaimed.
“Stop it! Just stop. I’m not doing it this way.”
“Just let me try… don’t shut me out like this.”
“Jason please stop it,” she begged, tears coming to her eyes. He sighed but let go of her.
“I’ll see you later Jessi. I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes briefly.
“No, I am.” She turned and jogged away.
Things went smoothly for almost a week, and then Cotey and Sam decided to take the twins camping. Beth wanted to go too, so Jason said she could. Jess decided to stay home and so did Jason, but neither one knew the other was staying. After everyone was gone Jess went into the living room and plopped down on the couch. She closed her eyes, relieved that she would have some time to herself.
“What are you still doing here?” Jason demanded. Jess sat up quickly. He was standing in the doorway, looking at her seriously.
“I could ask you the same question,” she muttered. He leaned against the door jam and sighed.
“I decided to stay home and relax… give you some time without me around.”
“I thought you were going, so I wanted to stay here and get away from everyone.” They were silent for a long time. Jess stood up and started from the room.
“Where are you going?” he called. She turned, walking backwards down the hall.
“For a walk,” she replied. Jason followed her.
“Jess wait!” he called, following her out the door and down to the beach. She ignored him and kept going, almost jogging now. Jason started to run and he caught her arm.
“Let go!” she exclaimed over and over again, until it died to a whispered plea. He pulled her closer, seeing the tears falling down her face.
“Never. Stop it and let me hold you,” he said. She turned around, putting her arms around his waist.
“I hate myself for making this so hard on you,” she told him after a few minutes.
“Don’t. This goes both ways Jess… I hate myself for pushing you and making it hard on you.” He tilted her chin up a little and kissed her forehead. “I dreamt about you. Just that smile of yours. I wish you would smile more.”
“Why do you put up with me?” she asked. He shrugged, kissing her gently.
“I told you, I’m in love with you. I never thought I could fall in love again, but you changed that.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” she asked with a small smile.
“I don’t know, you tell me,” he suggested, kissing her again, only for longer this time.
“I don’t know either. I’m not sure of anything. Just please bear with me? I know it isn’t fair. We just have to take everything slow until I feel ready.” He kissed her neck.
“OK.” She tilted her head slightly. Soon they were kneeling in the sand, still kissing. Jess played with his hair, and Jason pulled her hair from its braid. He lay down slowly, moving so he was partially on top of her. After a moment he rolled again so she was on top of him. He slid his hands down slowly, letting his thumbs slide into the back pockets of her shorts. Jess swallowed hard and tried to shut out the images of Patrick that were playing in her head. She pushed back a little. “Sorry,” he murmured. She shook her head, hair falling over her shoulders.
“No, it’s ok. I just really have to stop thinking about Patrick Giran. I really don’t want to ruin this Jason.” He nodded, sitting up a little and kissing her gently. They rolled over again, bringing them into the foamy surf. It washed over them, soaking them to the skin. His hands slowly untucked her T-shirt, sliding up it slowly. Her breath caught and he stopped, leaving his hands on her sides. She relaxed, putting her hands on his waist. She let her hands move slowly up his shirt. He was wearing a pair of old jeans, holes in both knees. Jess sighed, opening her eyes when his mouth left hers. She took a steadying breath.
“I can’t do anymore right now,” she said quietly. He kissed her quickly and then stood up, holding his hand out to help her up.
“Did I scare you?” he asked, putting his arm around her shoulders.
“No, not really. I just have to concentrate on keeping Patrick out of my mind. If I can do that I’ll be ok.”
“If I pushed you too far, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you Jason. I really do. It’s just that I don’t trust myself to get through it and not think of him. That’s why I wanted to take this time away from you, to try and get him out of my head. It didn’t work as well as I hoped.”
“You’ll get past this part, and then you won’t be so afraid anymore.”
“I hope you’re right Jason.” They walked the rest of the way to the house, his arm still around her. He could feel her shaking, and knew she was scared to death.
The next evening Jess stood out on the deck, watching the waves roll in and out. The sliding glass door opened and Jason came out and stood beside her.
“Hey,” she said quietly. He smiled and put his arm around her.
“Hi. It’s pretty out isn’t it?” he asked. She nodded and put her head against his shoulder. Her hair was in a ponytail, still wet from her shower.
“Beautiful. I love it down here… I should come more often.”
“Everyone should come here at least once in their life. I use to come down here almost every fall and summer, but lately I’ve been too busy.”
“You, Cotey, Sam and Carrie bought it a long time ago didn’t you?”
“Cotey bought it, but whenever she was here we helped her with all the work with the horses and all that. We lived together from the time we were nineteen until she and Sam broke up. She sold the house in Syracuse and then moved to Saratoga to start the farm.”
“She’s had a pretty full life, hasn’t she? Her parents’ deaths, being raped…” she trailed off with a shake of her head.
“You’ve had a pretty full life too. Your mom died when you were four didn’t she?”
“Yeah, but with Cotey it was different. She lost her mom, dad, her best friend, then her aunt. That had to be hard… just like one blow after another.”
“It was hard for her, especially after her mom’s suicide. That happened so close to the rape… she was a mess for a long time after that, but she came out of it.”
“What about you?” she asked. A look of confusion settled on his face.
“What do you mean?” he asked. She took a deep breath, wondering how to say what she was thinking.
“After Carrie died… what did you do?” He removed his arm from her shoulders, leaning on his forearms and bowing his head briefly. When he finally looked at her, she could see the pain in his eyes.
“Took care of Beth, worked with the horses… tried to forget. I did everything but think of Carrie. I couldn’t think of her, not if I wanted to keep my sanity.”
“I remember when my mother died, I just couldn’t believe it. I kept asking how that could be possible. My dad went pretty crazy after awhile.” Jason nodded, gazing out at the beach.
“That sounds pretty reasonable to me,” he murmured. She touched his shoulder gently.
“I’m sorry I brought it up,” she said. He looked at her seriously.
“It’s ok. I’m use to it because of Beth. She asks about her Mom a lot.”
“Carrie is her mother… it makes sense.”
“No, Carrie was her mother. Beth understands that, but I wish she could understand what it does to me when I have to talk about her.”
“She never will. It’s not the kind of thing you can understand until you’ve actually lost someone you’ve been close with. When people find out who my mother was, they ask me about her and what she was like. That still kills me, and it’s been almost 19 years.” They were silent for a long time. “How long were you with her?” she asked suddenly.
“Don’t do this Jess,” he said quietly. She pushed herself up on to the railing, moving so she was in front of her.
“I want to know. I’m not trying to be mean, but I’m curious.” He looked at her for a moment and then sighed.
“We were together for almost eleven years. One day we weren’t together, and the next day we just were.”
“Do you still love her?” He didn’t answer so she slid her hands over his shoulders. “Do you?”
“She was my first love Jessi, she gave birth to my first child. There’s always going to be a place for her in my heart.”
“That’s not what I asked. Do you still love her, like you did before she died?”
“Someplace in my mind I probably still love Carrie… and I think I always will. But I’m with you, and I am in love with you. I don’t want you to fell like you’re competing for me. You have my full attention.” She took her face in his hands.
“I can make this easier for you,” she said softly. Jason shook his head.
“I’m not asking you to do that,” he said.
“What if I want to?” she said. He sighed, putting his hands on her waist.
“I love you Jess. I don’t want you to do this because you think you have to.”
“That’s not what I feel like. I want to be with you.”
“Why?” he asked gently. She shrugged.
“I love you,” she said.
“You loved me before, and you weren’t ready. What’s different now?”
“Yesterday, what you did felt good. If I don’t think about Patrick, it will feel good. I want to feel like that again.”
“Jessi,” he muttered. She slid off the railing in front of him. She was shorter than he was, the top of her head coming to just about his chin.
“What?” she asked, looking up at him. He shook his head, running his index finger along her jaw line.
“I’m just glad that I found you… and that I have you in my life,” he said.
“So am I.” He leaned down and kissed her gently, lifting her back onto the railing. She wrapped her arms around his neck. Jason ran his hands down her back, then up her shirt slowly.
“If I do anything you don’t like or that scares you, tell me,” he murmured. She nodded, swallowing when he felt her unhook her bra.
“OK,” she said, kissing him again. He picked her up again, carrying her toward his room, still kissing her. Once there he laid her down on the bed and then pulled his shirt off. She watched as he moved so he was laying next to her.
“You kept me alive after awhile,” he told her, sliding his hands to her hips slowly. He watched her carefully.
“I’m fine Jason,” she said, pushing thoughts of Patrick from her head. He nodded, kissing her again. She ran her fingers through his hair. Jason slid her shirt up slowly, lifting it over her head. She closed her eyes as he slid her bra off, not knowing what to think.
“You ok?” he asked quietly.
“I think so,” she said. He kissed her neck, then her shoulders gently. Her breath caught in her throat when his mouth touched her breast. “Jason wait a minute,” she said. He stopped and looked up at her.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asked. She shook her head.
“No. I want you to keep going… just don’t move so fast.”
“OK. Just let me know when it’s too fast,” he said. She nodded, closing her eyes as his mouth came over hers again.
In the morning Cotey, Sam, and the three kids returned. It had started to rain heavily. So they had come back home. Jess and Jason weren’t awake yet, so Sam decided to get Jason while Cotey went to find Jess.
“Hey Jas, time to…” Sam stopped short when he saw Jess asleep in the bed next to Jason. He closed the door just as Cotey came out of her room.
“She isn’t in the living room,” she said with a confused look on her face.
“You’re right. She’s in there,” he said, pointing to Jason’s room.
“Oh! You mean… with Jason?” she asked.
“Yeah. They’re asleep. We’ll have to keep the kids busy until they wake up.
“Alright. Let’s go make some breakfast and stuff. Jason and Jess should be up soon,” she said.
“Good idea,” he murmured, giving her a kiss. They went down the hall to the kitchen, calling for the kids as they went.
Jess and Jason emerged from his room at around noon. They went into the kitchen, only to find Cotey and Sam sitting at the table. Jess stopped short and Jason ran into her. She glanced back at him with wide eyes, then looked at Cotey and Sam.
“I thought you guys were camping,” she muttered. Jason put his arm around her waist and Sam looked at them with a big smile on his face.
“We had to come early… rain,” he said, motioning to the window.
“Where are the kids?” Jess asked.
“They’re down playing in the barn… they think it’s cool even without horses.”
“I think I’ll go down and see if I can find Bethy. Feel like coming with me Jess?” he asked. She nodded and followed him out of the room. Once they were outside he put his arms around her, laughed softly and asked, “Are you ok?”
“I think so. That was so embarrassing,” she said. He laughed and kissed her forehead.
“Let’s get down to the barn. I bet Beth missed us a lot.” She nodded and took his hand, walking beside him toward the barn.
Two weeks later Cotey and Sam decided to go home. All three kids were ready to be back near their horses.
“I hate this flight back,” Jess muttered, looking out the window. Jason was sitting next to her, so he reached over and took her hand.
“It isn’t that bad. Just relax and enjoy it.”
“Relax? You have to be kidding me. We’re flying over an ocean… the plane could crash at any time.” He laughed.
“You’re being melodramatic,” he said. She shook her head.
“No I’m not. It could crash… and I have a race in three days.”
“It’s not going to crash. If it does, you have only yourself to blame.” She looked at him incredulously.
“How do you figure?”
“You’re the one who’s been talking about crashing… you jinxed us.” She laughed.
“You’re crazy.” He nodded and put his arm around her shoulders.
“Yup, about you.”
“Did you really see me in your dreams?” she asked.
“Yes, I certainly did.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“Seeing you in my dreams? It’s good.” They were silent for a long time.
“I never saw you in mine,” she admitted.
“So?”
“I saw Patrick.”
“Well now you’ll see me.” She smiled and kissed him before reclining in her seat.
“See you in my dreams Jason,” she whispered, closing her eyes and falling asleep.
